Who I Was Born To Be

I am supposed to meet a friend in the very near future to "come out." But the thing is I don't want to tell her I'm "gay." I have always hated those words, "Gay, lesbian, homosexual," etc. I don't feel gay, whatever that is. I don't want that label. I have never felt "gay." All I know is that I am the woman who has always been in love with J, and that is who I was born to be.

To Grumpny Granny regarding slideshow

I tried that. I don't get that option. Ugh!

Worthless News

I have so many books to read now. Usually, I am digging around trying to find something to read. Here is my list in order of reading material: Fannie Flagg - Can't Wait to Get to Heaven; Howie Mandel - Here's the Deal: Don't Touch Me; Lesbian Couples - not sure of the author's name; Reader's Digest December edition; Janet Evonovich's most recent number book - 15?

Hey, does anyone know how to take a slideshow and copy pictures from them individually? I was forwarded a slideshow that would make some AWESOME Wordless Wednesday photos, if I knew how to separate them. Or can you put a slide show on blogger?

Have a nice Sunday. I am worried that I am going to ruin ours with my OCD. I can't wait for another 4-day weekend. This one has been GREAT! (EXCEPT TODAY)

K19 and I at the Galleria

See what I want for Christmas? Of course, if I was hit from behind, I would be dead! I spent a wonderful evening with my daughter, K19! I showed her our condo, took her to dinner, and then we walked the Galleria, all 3 sections twice each. I was exhausted, but it was so worth it!

I think we may be possible hitting a turning point. She is contemplating moving out of her dad's house and moving in with my parents for awhile, just to get away and have some freedom. My ex is having difficulty cutting the strings.

She needs a change of town, scenery, job, etc. Looking at moving about an hour away to a junior college next year to give her even more independence.

Christmas Tree

Tonight Jand I put up our first Christmas tree since being back together. I told her something tonight I'm not sure she knew before - I haven't decorated a tree since I was a kid. I couldn't. I have a major phobia over Christmas trees, have since childhood. I had a traumatic experience near one. I can't go into places like Hobby Lobby or anything once their trees are up.

But because I love J so much, it was not as difficult to do as I thought it would be. Here you see the living room of our new place. I have hesitated to take photos because we don't have any of our pictures on the walls and still have some boxes laying around. But don't you love this room? To the right of the tree is a sliding glass door which takes you outside to a HUGE balcony. We can hear the church bells every quarter hour. Beautiful

You can also see an ornament on our tree. This photo was taken in a photo booth when we were about 17 or 18 years old. My goodness, how we have changed!

I am glad that Thanksgiving is over. We get to spend all day together tomorrow, most of Saturday, and all of Sunday together. Hopefully, we will be going back to church on Sunday. I miss it so much and want to make some friends there.

Thank you all for your kind comments over the past few weeks. Things are better here. My oldest daughter seemed more relaxed with me today, and on Saturday I am going to show her how to drive into Houston to where we live.

If you pray, please pray for K16, as she will be having an ultrasound on your stomach and pancreas this coming week and lotssss of bloodwork. She has quit her job because she keeps getting sick and her blood sugar keeps dropping. Her white blood count is also too high.

Tuesday

This has been a horrible week so far. I can't wait until Wednesday. That is all.

Anniversary!

Well, today is our anniverary, and I just wanted to show you what J got me! It's a charm bracelet from James Avery that tells the story of our love. From right to left: 1) a music note (We met in high school band) 2) dolphins (her nickname for me in college was Flipper) 3) A heart that says, "You are always in my heart." (because when we were apart for 23 years I was always in her heart, 4) a margarita glass to symbolzie our first date back together (she took me to Pappasito's).

I got J a watch with a french horn on the front of it, and her name is written above the french horn. I had it engraved on the back, and they spelled her name wrong on the back. They are supposed to send me a new one; but, still, it totally ruined the moment for me because now she can't wear it.

L's Grand Entrance

We had lunch with friends today at a Mexican restaurant. Our friend, L, made her grand entrance into the restaurant by knocking over this poor tree! Way to go, L!

My Health

Some of our friends have asked how I am doing. I have a little bit of time today, so I thought I would post what has been going on with my health.

I had my first breast surgery July 24th to remove a small tumor which the drs. seemed to think was benign. When I went in for followup, I was told that the tumor was very "unusual." It had a name, but you couldn't find more than a couple of sentences about it on the internet. Angiomyoepithelioma. Just to make sure, my dr. sent the biopsy slides to M.D. Anderson, about the best cancer center in the country. M.D. Anderson said that they suspected that all of the tumor may not have been removed and recommended that my dr. go back in and scrape the tissue further out.

So on August 31st, I went in for basically the exact same surgery. It was called a partial mastectomy so that the insurance would pay some of it. Well, unfortunately, I did a stupid thing and went back to work the next day. Wrong thing to do. I was miserable, and ended up losing skin on my breast, which was extremely painful. This time J and I were sent to a radiology oncologist who said that they could not tell me it was cancer; they could not tell me it was not cancer; they could not tell me I needed radiation or that I did not need radiation. It is our choice. No one seems to even have a name for what it was. It is not angiomyepithelioma after all. And it was not made of breast tissue. Instead, it was either made of bone, muscle or blood tissue, or a combination of them.

I was hoping that M.D. Anderson would want to track me for further research, but I guess they don't. Since radiation will be about $12,000 cash upfront from us and the "C" word has not actually been revealed to us, we are opting to do nothing at this time. We can only hope and pray that it does not come back. I am to have yearly mammograms and self exams and exams from the dr.

I am very angry right now about all the talk in the media about the new guidelines for getting mammograms. I know that mine was not found by a mammogram, but mammograms are much cheaper than the treatment for Stage 3 or 4 breast cancer. I know they are saying that the numbers say not many cancers are found in the early years, but if it is you or your sister or your daughter who moves to the latter stages because she couldn't get a mammogram in her 40s because her insurance company followed those guidelines, you would feel differently.

So now everyone knows - I don't have cancer, and I don't not have cancer. I don't like being on the fence, but it's better than being told you need chemo.

November 22, 1980

29 years ago this Sunday, at 5:45 in the morning, you asked me to marry you. I think it was a Sunday back then, too. We were so young, just 18. And yet, we knew. We knew that we were meant to be together for the rest of our lives.

Fear set in, and we were apart for over 20 years, but we found our way back to one another. I am so thankful to God that he put you back in my path, J. You have always had my heart; now you have me with you have me physically with you for the rest of your life.

We were wed again on March 1, 2009, this time in front of others; but the first time, November 22, 1980, will forever be "our anniversary" to me.

I love you, J.

Sunday Meme

PART ONE: Describe:

Your hair? Brown with blonde highlights

Your mother? Beautiful smile, always friendly, a great cook and hostess, never slows down, in denial

Your father? Tall, friendly, in love with my mom

Your favorite food? cheescake

Your dream last night? No dream last night. Too exhausted. Night before: I dreamed when J and I moved in to the condo it was a dorm. It was hot and humid, with water running on the floor like a small creek. There were two chihuahuas and four chinchillas living in the room that no one would claim. And a rabbit came out of the closet and peed on the carpet. J said, "So that's what that lemon smell of the cleaner is for!" (Our new condo smelled strongly of lemon cleaner when we moved in.)

Your favorite drink? A huge strawberry margarita with whipped cream.

Your dream/goal? To have a decent paying job that I love with lots of insurance, to become an activiely involved grandmother, to retire with J in the Texas hill country, to die before she does.

The room you are in? Ha ha. Our new "den/office." Stacks of empty boxes, a stack of computer boxes serving as a computer desk.

Your hobby? Don't have one at the moment. Going to start working on our wedding album that has been in the closet since March.

Your fear? Losing J

Your TV? Always on.

Your Pets? None, unfortunately.

Your Friends? Awesome people.

Your life? Getting better and sweeter every day!

Your mood? Restless. I should be unpacking.

If you're missing someone? My girls

Your best friend? J. She will always be the best friend I have ever known.

PART TWO: The Where's?

Where do you want to be in 6 years? With J traveling around and enjoying life.

Where were you last night? At home unpacking, then eating pizza, drinking wine, and playing Trivial Pursuit.

Where did you grow up? In Houston

On place that you go to over and over? San Marcos

Your favorite place to eat out? Pappasito's in Houston; Palmer's or Grin's in San Marcos.

Wish list items? Rosetta Stone Spanish Levels 3 & 4

Last time you laughed? A few minutes ago

Last time you cried? Yesterday as I was looking around our old apartment for the last time

PART THREE: The What's?

Something you aren't? Skinny

Last thing you did? Made lemonade

What are you wearing? T-Shirt and jeans

Something you're not wearing? Pantyhose

Your favorite store? I really love Barnes and Noble and Bed, Bath & Beyond! Does a new car dealership count as a store?

Moving Tomorrow!

J picked up the keys at 3:30 and I met her out the new place around 5:00 p.m. Man, the place is like Fort Knox to get into! First, you have to have a remote or a code to get into the gate in the underground parking garage. Next, you have to have a key to get inside (the mail room) to get to the elevator. You have to know exactly where you are going because there are four mail rooms (sets of elevators.) Then you have to have a key to get into the condo. Plus, there is a lock and two dead bolts on the front door. I took photos of the place tonight empty, but left the dumb camera there so I can't post photos.

Tomorrow the movers come at 8:00 a.m. so I had better get off the computer and get some shuteye!

I love you, J! Thanks for taking this step with me! I know I really had to twist your arm to move uptown! Not. LOL

To our IRL friends, come visit anytime after Thanksgiving Day! Our anniversary is November 22nd, so I want to have J to myself that weekend!

K19

Here are some new photos of my 19-yr-old. She worked backstage of Alladin.

Happy

I never realized it before, but when I am happy, truly happy, I post more often. Saturday I posted three times, and posted twice yesterday. I guess when I get depressed and withdraw, I REALLY withdraw.

These are photos of my youngest daughter, 16. She was a harem girl in the producation "Aladdin." The boy in the picture is the guy she is beginning to get involved with. She did such a beautiful job up there. The stage is her sanctuary.

Batman Lies

Do you tell Batman lies? Guess I need to tell you what a Batman lie is in order for you to answer. A Batman lie is a deliberate lie that you tell in order to get something you want. I have started to use the phrase "That's a Batman lie!" with J a lot. Hmmmm. Because SHE tells them!

The term came about last year when we were "dating." One night we didn't have much time to spend together. By that, I mean that there was not enough time to get a hotel room and be alone. So she did the next best thing; she took me to a basically dark, empty movie theater to see The Dark Knight. J said that she had not seen it yet. (THAT was the Batman lie.) It had been out for quite awhile, and I simply could not imagine that she had not seen it. It was her type of movie. She knew that I had already seen it with my kid, so she asked me if I would be willing to sit through it again. Why not? At least this time I would have someone to grab on to or put my head on her shoulder during all the scary parts.

Well, J ended up spending the ENTIRE movie staring at me while I tried to watch the movie. She laughed when I would get scared and held me close to her. We were in seats where the arm rests lift up, so we were basically on a love seat. Little did I know that she already knew where the scary parts were, so she was ready to comfort me three frames before each scene.

She now says that she deliberately lied to me and picked a movie that was very long so that we could spend more time together. And that she picked it, also, because she had already seen it and, therefore, wouldn't miss anything while staring at me.

So, now that you know what a Batman lie is, have you ever told one? Or are you like J and tell them CONSTANTLY!!!!

Sunday Meme

1. What was your favorite subject in high school? Band
2. Do you watch reality shows? Which ones? Right now, The Amazing Race. Used to watch Apprentice when I had a business. Loved watching Survivor, but couldn't much because I worked on Thursday nights.
3. What's your favorite reality show of all time? The Survivor show where Richard Hatch won. Nothing has ever been able to top that.
4. Do you think reality shows are faked? No, but I think they only put the most controversial parts in and they sometimes set things up to create controversy in the first place.
5. What did you look like as a teenager? Ugly, very tall, very skinny, lots of acne. I was not popular.
6. Whose advice do you listen to? I'd like to think Jesus's.
7. How often are you sick? Not often this year. I think my resistance has been up because I am happier and more fulfilled than last year. Usually, I just have allergies.
8. Do you like or dislike change? I am more comfortable with a routine, but sometimes I wouldn't mind J and I spontaneously just packing up and leaving town for the day, not having a clue where we're going? And I think our big move next weekend will be a welcomed change. We have some pretty lousy memories here, but some good ones, as well.
9. How many times have you had a broken heart? Once.

A Day With Old Ladies

I spent much of the day today with my 93-year-old grandmother and her friends. I know I said last year that she was 93, but she really is 93 now. She gets around pretty well; just stopped driving last month. Today she had some very visible signs of old age: trouble keeping her balance, couldn't open the individualized packets of her new pills, thought the brand new toaster I had bought her for her birthday was broken, mistook a quarter for a penny.

Anyway, I hate the idea of getting old, as those of you who have read me for awhile know. I was sitting with Trudy, Dot, Judy, and Grandma at lunch, thinking the whole time that I never want to get this old. It was depressing. The exciting conversation for the day was how the front office people were taking everything out of the closets and out of the beauty salon and dumping it in the hall. "Fall cleaning for open house," Jo Ann said. "No, it's for the inspection," Trudy said. "Huh?' Dot said. (Dot can't hear a damn thing.) "No, it's for the open house," Jo Ann said again. "Well, I don't know what it's for"my grandma said, "but it's funny!" Ha ha ha ha. Ugh.

When the 12-yr-old waiter came to take my order, Trudy asked me, "Are you going to get the fresh bread?" I asked, "Fresh bread?" I had seen just "bread" on the menu. "Yes," she replied excitedly. "It's fresh out of the package!" "Huh?" Dot said. When I got my "fresh" bread, it was either as stale as week old bread or had been put in the toaster for a few seconds. It was very dry around the edges. I put butter on it to help it out. All the while, the four old ladies were oohing and ahhing over the fresh bread, including Dot, who had no idea what the hell she was oohing and aahhing about.

And then the exciting subject of bingo came up. You pay 50 cents, and when you win, you get a quarter. Some lucky lady at the place won 5 quarters this morning!

Just then, an extremely old woman came over to the table, patting everyone on the back and grinning. My grandmother introduced us. And as I was sitting there contemplating how I can painlessly keel over in my sleep before my 90s, the woman came over to me and said (I kid you not), "Look what YOU have to look forward to in the future! Someday YOU are going to be an old lady just like US!"

"Do you want that coffee to go? the 12-year-old waiter asked Dot. "Huh?" asked Dot. "He said do you want your coffee to go? Do you want him to put your coffee in your walker?"Trudy asked. "Yes," said Dot. My grandmother leaned over and whispered in my ear. "Watch this," she said. "When Dot gets ready to leave, everyone at the table will get up with her and bring her her walker." Sure enough, when Dot tried to stand up, Jo Ann and Trudy stood at attention. Jo Ann rolled the walker over beside Dot. "I don't know how to drive this thing," Jo Ann said. Trudy pulled the chair out for Dot, while Dot painstakingly got up herself and grabbed a hold of the walker.

As we walked away, my grandmother said to me for the upteenth time, "No one ever leaves anyone alone at the table," my grandmother told me. "If everyone else is finished eating, we wait until the last person is done. It's our unspoken rule around here. We NEVER leave anyone alone."


I am poking fun at them today, but I am so glad that my grandma has these wonderful, old women to keep her company and be her friends and that they never leave her alone at the table.

Panhandler

I know you can't see his sign, but it says, "Family abducted by aliens. Need ransom." I would have given him money for his creativity if I had had any.

Saturday Six Meme

Name six of your favorite characters on Sesame Street and why.

1. Grover - my favorite above all because he is most like me. He is not too bright, but his heart is always in the right place. He is very compassionate to others.

2. Cookie Monster - because he is just too darn cute the way he talks and obsesses over cookies.

3. Big Bird - because he (she) is monstruous in size and should be threatening to little ones, but his big heart and empathy make up for it.

4. Mr. Hooper - I loved Mr. Hooper so much. I was so sad when he died. A shopkeeper who keeps everyone in line, always a friend to others, what more could you ask for?

5. Bob - "Who are the people in your neighborhood?" "One shape is not like the other." Songs I will never forget.

6. Not a character but a video - "Nine, nine, nine, nine, let's sing a song of nine. How many is nine?" "Nine coconut custard pies!!!!!" Funny the things you remember.

This Week

Well, this week has been horrible all around so far. Today is hump day, so maybe things will get better on the other side.