Life is lonely.
Life is depressng.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Love Overflowing
Have you ever loved someone so much that you feel you are literally overflowing?
It's hard for me to remember a time when I wasn't in love with J. I remember officially meeting her on a band trip, where she made me laugh hysterically and she wore my cap on the bus. I remember driving to her house to ask her to go to Whataburger with me. I remember hugging her after meetings when I dropped her off at home. And then BLAM! That's all I remember about not being in love with J. From so early on in our relationship, I think I must have actually been in love with her. The feelings went from mild to wild in a matter of days.
I believe God instills us with such great love for others so that we don't give up too soon in relationships. When J and I have had hard times, it's been easy to stay and work it out, no matter how much work it entailed. But when J and I have had EXTREMELY hard times, I admit that it has been tempting to just forego the drama and settle for some peace by running away. That's what I did in college; I ran away from the drama. I was done with the hard work. But looking back, I was only 22 years old. Did I really know how to work and fight for a relationship?
It took me over 30 years, but I did come back. We have both worked so hard to keep this relationship together no matter what other stress is going on in our lives. If our love was not overflowing, I don't think we would still be together. No matter all the craziness that is going on, I still have love left over for J. And she does for me, as well.
We have been on three, count'em, three date nights in the past few weeks! Hey, if we're going to make an effort, it might as well be fun! On Saturday, we are driving to Louisiana for the night to play some poker, eat some killer sandwiches, and just relax! Can't wait!
So my point to all this is: make an effort and make it fun! And make sure there is enough left over for the ones you love!
It's hard for me to remember a time when I wasn't in love with J. I remember officially meeting her on a band trip, where she made me laugh hysterically and she wore my cap on the bus. I remember driving to her house to ask her to go to Whataburger with me. I remember hugging her after meetings when I dropped her off at home. And then BLAM! That's all I remember about not being in love with J. From so early on in our relationship, I think I must have actually been in love with her. The feelings went from mild to wild in a matter of days.
I believe God instills us with such great love for others so that we don't give up too soon in relationships. When J and I have had hard times, it's been easy to stay and work it out, no matter how much work it entailed. But when J and I have had EXTREMELY hard times, I admit that it has been tempting to just forego the drama and settle for some peace by running away. That's what I did in college; I ran away from the drama. I was done with the hard work. But looking back, I was only 22 years old. Did I really know how to work and fight for a relationship?
It took me over 30 years, but I did come back. We have both worked so hard to keep this relationship together no matter what other stress is going on in our lives. If our love was not overflowing, I don't think we would still be together. No matter all the craziness that is going on, I still have love left over for J. And she does for me, as well.
We have been on three, count'em, three date nights in the past few weeks! Hey, if we're going to make an effort, it might as well be fun! On Saturday, we are driving to Louisiana for the night to play some poker, eat some killer sandwiches, and just relax! Can't wait!
So my point to all this is: make an effort and make it fun! And make sure there is enough left over for the ones you love!
Monday, July 8, 2013
You know you're relationship is going well when...
the only thing you're arguing about is what TV station to put on for your dog while you're at work. Hmmm. What do y'all think - Animal Planet or Cartoon Network?
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Waving Goodbye
I have written on my blog before about my maternal grandmother. I am closer to her than I am my own mother, which is strange considering our past together. It was her poor excuse for a husband who molested me all those years, and I'm pretty sure she knew it. She did walk in on us once, and that scene is included in my novel Reverse Skate. She has probably pushed it out of her mind like most other things he did.
My maternal grandparents were my favorites, especially when I was younger, before the abuse started. They lived almost a thousand miles away from us, up north, where I first experienced snow. We were lucky if we saw them every year, usually every two years. Because of her husband's job, they could not travel down to Texas to see us very often, so we would pile into my dad's Malibu station wagon and make the trip instead, usually straight through. My dad stopped almost hourly to stretch his long legs.
My brother and I would ride in the very back of the station wagon, the sun beaming down on our legs, with the smell of my dad's pipe tobacco choking us. I guess he thought the small crack in his window was enough to ventilate the car. Definitely didn't want to let the cold A/C air out. I would play songs from my cassette player or try to connect with a station with my green transistor radio.
We would stop at a little cafe in Arkansas, outside of Little Rock, where a waitress in a white apron would tell me to eat my peas. The closer we got to my grandparents' house, the more excited I would get. She would be at work when we arrived, at a large department store, where she sold quality furniture at great prices to third generation customers. She was a great salesperson, who did not pressure people into buying something they didn't really want or couldn't afford. I would walk into the store with anticipation, looking all around, between the tall warehouse pillars and amongst all the fancy couches, chairs, and water oil lamps. And then I would see her, putting her cigarette out in the ash tray, waiting with open arms for a hug. "God love it", would be her greeting as she held me in her arms and stroked my hair.
My grandmother had beautiful, long fingernails that she always painted with White Snow nail polish. I would lay my head in her lap, and she would stroke my hair until I went into a trance. Her house smelled of Occur perfume, which she purchased from Avon for years. She would give me near empty bottles of Occur to take home, that I would literally sniff for months until the fragrance disappeared. My grandmother was the best hostess ever. Every Christmas Eve she would invite friends, family, and even people off the street into her home for a homemade buffet of everything you could imagine. This, after working a six-day work week. Wednesdays were her only days off. She would have a beautiful, 8-feet, snow flocked tree, hundreds of presents, lights, and festive music. She even wore hot pants under her evening gown that she would show briefly for a laugh. My grandma smiled all the time and never complained about anything, even though she had a rough life growing up.
My mom's dad died at 23 from his appendix bursting when my mother was 9 months old. My grandmother was pregnant with my uncle at the time of his death and told my grandfather on his deathbed that she had missed her cycle. Widows and single mothers were not looked upon favorably at that time. I often wonder if that's why she chose to marry again when my mother was eight years old. My abuser was a drunk and carouser, so much different from my mother's dad who was a lay Nazarene minister who probably preached against that behaviour.
Back then, I thought my grandma was old, even though she didn't act old. She was probably about the age I am now - 51. Each time we had to leave to go back to Texas or each time she drove away, I remember waving goodbye to her and thinking to myself, "This is going to be the last time I see her before she dies." In 1989, she and her husband moved to sunny Florida. She was now in her 70s, and again, each time I left their house to go home, she would stand in front of her house, and I would think to myself, "This is the last time I am going to see her alive."
And now, it is 2013. My grandmother is 93 years old and in hospice care. She feels like shit and still, never complains. She says, "I don't need anything. There are other people who need more." Up until last week, she insisted on going up and down the stairs to her bedroom in my parents' house. Now, she cannot. Her long, beautiful fingernails are no longer. Her hair is thin and she has no teeth at all. I stroke her hair instead of her stroking mine. She doesn't even have the energy to wave goodbye to me. I know the final goodbye is here, right now, looking me in the face. I have had all these years to be ready for it, and I am not.
When I go to heaven, my grandma is the one who I want to take me to meet Jesus. I know she will be there at the gate, waiting to give me a hug and say, "God love it."
My maternal grandparents were my favorites, especially when I was younger, before the abuse started. They lived almost a thousand miles away from us, up north, where I first experienced snow. We were lucky if we saw them every year, usually every two years. Because of her husband's job, they could not travel down to Texas to see us very often, so we would pile into my dad's Malibu station wagon and make the trip instead, usually straight through. My dad stopped almost hourly to stretch his long legs.
My brother and I would ride in the very back of the station wagon, the sun beaming down on our legs, with the smell of my dad's pipe tobacco choking us. I guess he thought the small crack in his window was enough to ventilate the car. Definitely didn't want to let the cold A/C air out. I would play songs from my cassette player or try to connect with a station with my green transistor radio.
We would stop at a little cafe in Arkansas, outside of Little Rock, where a waitress in a white apron would tell me to eat my peas. The closer we got to my grandparents' house, the more excited I would get. She would be at work when we arrived, at a large department store, where she sold quality furniture at great prices to third generation customers. She was a great salesperson, who did not pressure people into buying something they didn't really want or couldn't afford. I would walk into the store with anticipation, looking all around, between the tall warehouse pillars and amongst all the fancy couches, chairs, and water oil lamps. And then I would see her, putting her cigarette out in the ash tray, waiting with open arms for a hug. "God love it", would be her greeting as she held me in her arms and stroked my hair.
My grandmother had beautiful, long fingernails that she always painted with White Snow nail polish. I would lay my head in her lap, and she would stroke my hair until I went into a trance. Her house smelled of Occur perfume, which she purchased from Avon for years. She would give me near empty bottles of Occur to take home, that I would literally sniff for months until the fragrance disappeared. My grandmother was the best hostess ever. Every Christmas Eve she would invite friends, family, and even people off the street into her home for a homemade buffet of everything you could imagine. This, after working a six-day work week. Wednesdays were her only days off. She would have a beautiful, 8-feet, snow flocked tree, hundreds of presents, lights, and festive music. She even wore hot pants under her evening gown that she would show briefly for a laugh. My grandma smiled all the time and never complained about anything, even though she had a rough life growing up.
My mom's dad died at 23 from his appendix bursting when my mother was 9 months old. My grandmother was pregnant with my uncle at the time of his death and told my grandfather on his deathbed that she had missed her cycle. Widows and single mothers were not looked upon favorably at that time. I often wonder if that's why she chose to marry again when my mother was eight years old. My abuser was a drunk and carouser, so much different from my mother's dad who was a lay Nazarene minister who probably preached against that behaviour.
Back then, I thought my grandma was old, even though she didn't act old. She was probably about the age I am now - 51. Each time we had to leave to go back to Texas or each time she drove away, I remember waving goodbye to her and thinking to myself, "This is going to be the last time I see her before she dies." In 1989, she and her husband moved to sunny Florida. She was now in her 70s, and again, each time I left their house to go home, she would stand in front of her house, and I would think to myself, "This is the last time I am going to see her alive."
And now, it is 2013. My grandmother is 93 years old and in hospice care. She feels like shit and still, never complains. She says, "I don't need anything. There are other people who need more." Up until last week, she insisted on going up and down the stairs to her bedroom in my parents' house. Now, she cannot. Her long, beautiful fingernails are no longer. Her hair is thin and she has no teeth at all. I stroke her hair instead of her stroking mine. She doesn't even have the energy to wave goodbye to me. I know the final goodbye is here, right now, looking me in the face. I have had all these years to be ready for it, and I am not.
When I go to heaven, my grandma is the one who I want to take me to meet Jesus. I know she will be there at the gate, waiting to give me a hug and say, "God love it."
Friday, June 28, 2013
My New Office
When I say "my new office", I mean it literally. Since I left, my boss moved down one floor so it is brand new to me. Now, instead of walking done ten flights of stairs if the power goes out, I only have to walk down nine. Hey, that's better than what J would have to do; she is on the 57th floor.
Here's a photo of a corner of my new office. I had the printer moved to my desk as I got tired of having to go into another room just to insert an envelope or piece of letterhead. My boss has had five, count'em, five assistants since I left two years ago. That's not including temps. Anyway, it's good to be back working with attorneys. They're not much different than children, actually. I enjoy serving clients, even though some of them can get kind of needy. Did I mention they're like children? I had forgotten, though, how slow it can be some days and how during those times I would love to go out on the playground in the sun and watch the kids search for bugs or show me their latest tricks on the monkey bars. But all is well. Whenever I get to feeling that way, I just think to myself, would I rather be doing this or dealing with ungrateful parents and staff all day? This, hands down.
Here's a photo of our lobby. Very beautiful but hardly anyone ever sits there because I take them to their conference rooms right away. The flowers on the table are real and are brought every Monday morning by a very creative florist named C. My favorites are climbing orchids.
Both grandmas are in the hospital today. Here is a photo of them with my youngest on her homeschool graduation day two years ago. The one on the left is my paternal grandmother, who is 96. My maternal grandmother is on the right and is 93.
I hope everyone has a great weekend!
~b~
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Goodbye Glasses!
Last month I had two eye surgeries - the first one to remove an oily drop cataract (young person's cataract) from my left eye and have a lens replacement; the second surgery to have a lens replacement on my good eye. Now no more glasses! I have worn glasses since the first grade. I remember that I had been placed in the third reading group (for slow readers). My mother took me down to TSO (Texas State Optical) in the Northwest Mall in Houston to be fitted with my first pair of glasses. I remember trying to walk through the mall without falling. It looked like there were stairs in front of me and I wasn't sure how to walk without falling down the mirages. Anyway, I was placed in the first reading group and I did well in school after that. After a month, I still wake up and put my hand on my night stand searching for my glasses. It was an expensive procedure, but so worth it. I will never have cataracts again and will never need glasses again, except for magnified glasses for reading if my eyes get tired. Yay!
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Hello Old Friends
It's been a long time, huh? Much has happened in over a year. I have retired from teaching and have gone back to my old job, running a mediation office. J is busy taking care of her mom, who is recuperating from back surgery.
I have two grandmothers living, praise God! My maternal grandmother from Florida is 93 and lives with my parents; my paternal grandmother is 96 and still lives alone. On Sunday, 911 was called for my paternal grandmother. She spent several hours in the ER and was sent home, prematurely, I believe, as she is still ill. Yesterday, 911 was called on my maternal grandmother, who is now in ICU. My parents are exhausted from all this caregiving.
I would like to introduce you to our newest addition. I have been told she is a Cairn terrier mix. Meet Callie. She is approximately 9 months old. I named her after the character Callie in my new favorite TV show The Fosters. Callie is a teenager who has been passed around from foster parent to foster parent. I thought it made sense to name her Callie, since I rescued her from certain death. A few weeks ago, she was in a shelter scheduled to be euthanized. A local rescue group in Houston, Buster's Friends, sprung her out. She was originally given the name of Twinkle in the shelter. Then I called her Button because she really is as cute as a button. Then I changed it to Cricket because, boy, can she ever jump! But Callie suits her better and she is now responding to that name. That is K19 in the photo, soon to be K20. More about how she is giving me gray hair another time.
Since I know longer have to work at night or on weekends, I hope I will find more time to write on this blog. I have missed it here, and even more importantly, missed reading your posts. I see that a lot of my favorites have disappeared. Especially miss reading Tina and Jess's posts. If anyone knows if they have new blogs, please let me know.
~b~
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