Daughters

These are pics of my daughters. They are both trying sooo hard to be strong right now through the holidays. I wonder if they know how much I miss them and love them? I wonder if they will ever understand that the choice I made, I made BECAUSE I love them so much? I doubt it. I am proud of them for continuing with their lives in a fairly normal way; they both have jobs, go to school, have lots of friends and activities. I was afraid that they would turn inward and crash, but so far, they are doing pretty much what they would be doing if I were there. They have leaned on friends, their dad, and each other. And, of course, they have God to lean on. Well, I just thought I would share their pictures with you! These were taken about a year ago, so they have matured quite a bit since then.

Thursday Thoughts

Well, one of my student's dad (is that how you say it) came home today from Iraq for a visit. Her mom dropped her off this a.m. and said, "I'm going home to take a shower and pick up hubby at airport. I will bring him by later to see (the daughter)." My first thought was, if my spouse were coming home after a long stint in Iraq, we would not make it to the school at all! When the couple show up a few hours later, the mom has on a TIGHT cotton top with her boobs hanging out. Now, why is it we always think we should wear our boobs hanging out for our spouses? LOL This lady usually wears loose fitting t-shirts. Ha ha. I just thought it was funny and VERY obvious.

Today was very difficult to get through; I feel like crap. I am coming down with something. Not happy about that at all because I was going to make bread all weekend! And call me stupid, but I have been smelling gasoline all day. I have washed my hands over and over but still smell it, and I haven't even been near gasoline in about a week.

Saw in the news that it was really snowing in Las Vegas. I wish it would do that on March 1st! As of right now we have about 8 or 9 people going with us!

Christmas

Well, it looks like I am invited to my parents' house on Christmas Day after all. I don't know that I will be there for gift opening (that usually happens at 11:00 a.m, and I am invited for dinner at 2:00), but at least I am invited! My mother actually CALLED ME to invite me. Things are looking up. Okay, so I know I will not be sitting near my ex this year at the table, so where will I be told to sit? (Yes, there is always a seating arrangement). My mom said she is inviting some neighbors who don't have a place to go, so I am thinking that maybe we should not sit at the table at all. There would be too many anyway. I am wondering if we will say "THE PRAYER." It is a custom for us at the table. I am wondering if my dad will cry; he often does when something traumatic has happened during the year. I am going to make a special effort to look happy. Well, what am I saying? I WILL be happy to be with my kids! I will miss spending Christmas morning with them when they check their stockings, but at least I will see them!

J and I may spend Christmas a.m. opening gifts, etc. I think I will make her a special breakfast. I already have something in mind. Then when I come home later that evening, we can spend some more time together. She will be at her mom's while I am at my parents'.

Friday night I am supposed to take my 18-yr-old out to dinner. Wish me luck. She doesn't talk much in the first place, so this should be quite interesting. I thought that after dinner, if she has some shopping to do, I could take her to the mall. However, the mall is too closeby where we used to live. I am trying to stay away from places people I know might run into. My youngest and I ran into two women from the church the other night. They talked and talked to her, but only said "hi" to me.

Well, I have to go now. The apartment needs a good cleaning. I notice that it is now starting to appear a bit cluttered since we have been her a couple of months. I need to try to keep on top of that. I was thinking to myself a few weeks ago, "Man, we sure are neater than we were in college!" But now I look around and realize that there are many things that could be put away. I need to buy more hangers. I cannot stand the closet looking like it does with our clothes stacked on the shelves.

Second Guessing Grandma

If you have 9 minutes and 38 seconds to spare, watch this video. It is how I hope the story will end with my own grandmother.

Photo Time

Here we are at the party last Wednesday night. Don't we look happy????? FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a Dog Eat Dog World

I stayed home from work on Friday; I was just too stressed about the church letter and all. J stayed home with me so that I wouldn't stay in bed all day. I tend to do that when I get depressed. I called in and said that I had a family emergency. Today I went back to work and, surprise, my assistant wasn't there. Guess why? She was having family problems. She wanted to talk to me, so I called her. I am starting to feel like the school psychologist. She doesn't want to disappoint me. She and her mom had a fight; she has nowhere to live after January. She is afraid that I am mad at her. I told her that I was glad that she did not come in today; I don't want her to be around the kids when she is stressed, they can feel that. I want my students to be happy and relaxed. Then another assistant started to get a little "clingy." I don't want to be "mom" to these 20, 22-yr-olds, but I guess I will have to be. They are so young, have no idea what they want to be when they "grow up."

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if everyone at work knew about all I have been going through since the second week I started working there, October 14th. I have left my husband, left my two kids, been basically excommunicated from my parents and my brother, been kicked out of my church and told I am going to hell, etc., etc. It makes me wonder how I come in to work everyday with a smile on my face, telling the kids what a good job they are doing, high fiving them when they sound out a word for the first time or discover that an isosceles triangle has two sides that are the same.

It reminds me of 1992, when I was "functioning" as a Montessori elementary teacher on the outside but literally drowning on the inside. And you know what hurts the most? That I cannot express to the people that I love how absolutely thrilled I am to have the love of my life back, the one I greet at the door every evening. The one whose ring I wear with pride, even though no one has a clue who let me wear it. I feel like I am being eaten alive from the inside because I am not allowed to express my feelings or mention her name to anyone.

Wrinkles

I woke up one day and looked in the mirror and realized for the first time, I have my grandmother's neck. Not the neck of her youth, but her old woman neck. Today I put on flip flops for the first time in weeks. I looked at my feet. Wrinkles, lines, veins. I have had a pedicure recently. It's not dryness or anything, it is age.

And I look at my face and think, we live in a humid climate; hopefully, I will age well. But my grandmother lives here, and she did not.

I have told J that I want to have some "work" done, especially around the eyes or maybe some Botox. Not anytime soon, but later on. She says no. It scares me because I don 't want her to wake up one morning next to me and see an old woman. I don't know when that is going to happen, 10 years, 20 years, but it scares. the. hell. out. of. me. Not that she would dump me and go for a younger package, but just the thought of her thinking of me as old. I suppose I could go behind her back and stop someday on my way home from work for a Botox treatment, but I could never do that. It's such a Catch 22. She wants me to feel "good" about myself, but when I look in the mirror right now, I don't. Sometimes I feel like one big sagging wrinkle.

I took the gray out of my hair two months ago, but J probably could have cared less if I did it. She probably never will color her hair, and I admire her for that. But right now when I look at my hands and my feet and my face and the rest of my body, I wonder, "When did I start aging? It really snuck up on me. It really sucks."

I have always loved J's hands. When I was 17, I used to watch her put her car in gear with her hands. I loved watching her do that. Or throw dice when we played backgammon, or put butter on her food. I still love to watch her hands. They have aged a bit, but they are still so beautiful to me, the way they look, the way they move. Watching her "flip" her T-shirt before she puts it on, watching her get the water out of her hair with a towel, watching her stir something in the kitchen (which she does rarely, ha ha). I'm not sure she realizes how much I watch her hands. I know it sounds silly, but I become mesmorized with her hands, aged or not. Even the way she changes channels on the remote control or signs her signature for a credit card purchase. I almost look forward to the moment when she pays for dinner. Okay, I guess I have an obsession with her hands, but the point is that, even if her hands have aged a bit, they are still beautiful to me. Every spot or freckle that is new since I was with her before catches my attention, draws me closer to her, wanting to know her more, wanting to make up for all the years that we lost. Where was I when those spots on her hands appeared? From now on I plan to study her hands every day. From now on I won't miss a single aging moment.

Last Night

I got to see 15-year-old again yesteday, yea! I picked her up after her theater rehearsal in the Woodlands. We went to Walmart, then to the mall to shop for an outfit for her dance next week. Then after dark, we took the water taxi pictured here for a 45-minute ride to look at the Christmas lights. It was extremely cold and windy on the boat. She wanted my arms around her. It felt so good to hold her, kiss her forehead, tell her I love her.

Finally talked to my grandmother in Florida today after 9 weeks. It was so good to hear her voice and that her cat is still alive. She would be so depressed if anything every happened to her. I told her I saw my mother Friday night. She said my mother never even mentioned seeing me. Now, I tell everyone I know when I get to see my kid. Seems like it ought to be a tad bit important to share that she had finally seen me with her own mother.

I said something to J during my phone conversation. My grandmother said, "Are you still rooming with your friend?" I said, "Yes." She said, "Do I know her?" I said, "No." She said, "Is that who you were talking to?" Soooo she knows that I am living with someone and probably that it is a woman. Hmmmm. J thinks she can put two and two together. I think she's right. My grandmother may be a lot of things, but she is not stupid. Oh, well, I will tell her eventually; it is just going to take some time. When we were hanging up she said, "Don't you ever doubt that I love you." Sigh.

Church Mail

Okay. The letter from the church basically said (per J), that I should repent or go to hell, that I am basically kicked out of the church, that I should reconcile my family. J will not let me read the letter. My grandmother's letter was positive in the fact that she wants to hear from me, but she obviously has not been told why I left. She said she doesn't want to know but that she still loves me. She can't imagine what would make me leave the girls but to not let him have everything after 19 years of marriage. All for now.

Mail

Today I ran to the mailbox to beat J there. There is a CD of pics coming in the mail that I don't want her to get her eyes on. No CD, darn it. But I got two pieces of mail, one from my grandmother in Florida who I have not spoken to in over two months and one from my "church." I can't open either one. J is going to have to do it. What in the world could my church have to say that I want to hear? I already got a call from one of the elders telling me that the church does not approve of my lifestyle choice, but that we are all sinners and can be forgiven.

My grandmother would not have taken the time to write, I don't think, unless she is wanting to talk to me. I was closer to her than to my own mother. I called her once or twice a week before J and I got back together. I have sent her cards telling her how much I miss her. I have left messages on her answering machine on her Bingo nights. But for some reason I simply cannot hear her voice. Being a disappointment to her will crush me. Pray that the contents of her letter are good, please. At this point, I don't even know how much she knows.

Shasta

I don't know what possessed us (probably my desire to have children ha ha), but our second year in college, as if we didn't have enough to do and take care of, J and I made a decision to buy a ferret, a sable one, similar to the one in the picture. We named her Shasta, because on the ride home from San Antonio to get her, she drank soda out of my hand. I have many memories of this animal, some hysterical, some not so funny. I remember how we used to set her on the dashboard of the car, and she used to "chase" the windshield wipers and how people in other cars would stare at us because they had no clue what that animal in the window could be. We used to stop at rest areas and show her off. Many people had never heard of a ferret before. She used to jump up and catch the curly telephone cord in her teeth and hang on for dear life as she bounced up and down in the air. She would push aerosol can lids all over the kitchen floor with her nose like a hockey puck. She would bounce around the room and chatter at us when she was playing or angry. One thing she never was was affectionate. We bought her from a breeder, and in those days you were expected to hand tame your ferret yourself without training. There really were not even any ferret books to refer to. She would bite us sometimes and draw blood, and almost always would bite strangers.

I remember one night, J and I went to the HEB (I may have posted this before) and bought two items: one bottle of pink champagne and a banana. It wasn't until we were standing in the checkout line that we figured out how obscene we probably looked. The banana was for the ferret. She would eat the banana so that we could keep her still long enough to clip her nails.

Or there is the time that she was spending an incredible amount of time in our closet, sleeping in the bag of stuffed animals. One night I heard scratching in the closet, and Shasta was NOT in there. I don't think J believed me. Fast forward a few days, and we BOTH heard the scratching! Again, Shasta was NOT in there. We opened the closet door, and hanging upside down from one of the clothes hangers was a baby possum. I think I almost peed in my pants. I swear that thing hissed at me. Shasta had been hanging out in the closet with the possum.

So we (probably J) goes next door (we are out in the country and neighbors are a bunch of rednecks) and gets the neighbor, who probably wanted to bring his gun. He ended up chasing the possum all over our trailer. It went up and down the legs of our kitchen table at one point, did its fake fainting froth at the mouth routine. He ended up beating it to death with a stick. Now, ferrets, at that time at least, were not allowed to get rabies shots so that's why we had the possum killed. We had to send "the body" to a university for rabies testing, but this was a Friday night, and my parents were coming the next day. What to do with "the body"? We put it in the freezer, of course, and I was just praying that my parents would have no reason to enter said freezer.

When Shasta was about six months old, she went into heat, which is unusual for a ferret. But we found out later that when a ferret's days become longer than its nights, it goes into heat. We had been keeping a light on her cage all this time to keep her warm at night, so she was fooled into going into heat. Ferrets can get cancer if they are not bred after going into heat, so we decided to get her spayed. We drove all the way to San Antonio to one of the only vets who would spay ferrets, dropped her off, picked her up the next day. About five days later, it was time to get her stitches out, and for some reason it appeared that she was in heat again. Drove all the way back to San Antonio. I will never forget the lady saying, "Is this the ferret that we spayed or descented?" We said, "spayed." She said, "Then why are this ferret's stitches in her butt?" Oh, man... they had descented her, not spayed her. So we go through this whole thing about how she was supposed to be spayed, not descented, and we are college students and don't have the money to spay her, plus it was THEIR fault, and she would have to go under anaesthesia again, poor thing, and that they should spay her for free. Well, that vet knew that he was about the only vet around for a long distance who even spayed ferrets, so he made us pay half of the spaying. We probably had to borrow that money or eat very little for awhile. Anyway, it all worked out in the "end." Ha ha.

Snow

It snowed here in Houston yesterday and quite a bit. When we were leaving the restaurant last night, waiting for the valet parking,the snow was really coming down! I whispered to J in her ear, "Isn't this romantic?" She said, "Yes," and I wanted to take her arm so badly as we waited for the attendant to bring the car around.

During the party, J did manage to put her arm around me a few times. The room was quite dark, but I'm pretty sure a few of her friends noticed. It felt good to be recognized as being with her. There were a couple of jealous moments for me at the table, but later last night, as I was watching her fall asleep, I said to myself, "I'm so glad you came home with me."

Brainwashing

Everyday as a teacher I am faced with the innocence of a child. Today when C labeled our Statue of Liberty figurine "statchoo" or when S told me I can be her mommy at school, I remembered how innocent children really are. Hearing my students debate the reality of Santa Claus, ghosts, how much a polar bear really weighs, I realize that kids believe what is fed to them, whether it be from the media, books, peers, or their parents. What determines which resource they believe? Whichever one is pounded more into their heads.

I remember when I was in about sixth grade, my mom told me about how some girls try to kiss girls, and that this was not okay. Did I believe her? I kissed J six years later. Why did I go against what my mother stated? It was never really discussed in our church, and my mom only mentioned it that one time, I think because I was extremely close to one of my elementary teachers, even up until her death when I was in college. This time with my mother was the only time I ever remember it mentioned in my whole growing up.

My kids are having a TERRIBLE time accepting that I am with a woman. From the way their therapist describes it, it is not so much the idea that I left them, but that I left them to be with a woman sexually, which is totally opposite of the way their dad and I raised them. In their church it is openly discussed. Homosexuality is considered a sin right along with debauchery, promiscuity, etc. I realize that I have contributed to the brainwashing of my children. Somehow, some way, I wish I could shake it out of my kids and tell them, "Wake up! I am who I am. I have fought this harder than anyone. Do you think I really want to be looked down on by my friends and family? Do you really think I CHOSE my sexual orientation? Can't you stop and look at me as a person, rather than as a freak? Can you just for one second tell me that you accept me for who I really am and not for who you think or wish I was?" But the stage has already been set, and I helped set it. I was trying so hard to hide my feelings for J, that I purposely surrendered my children to a belief system that I myself could not uphold. And that is very sad. I think that is worse than anything I could have possibly done for them. I pray to God that somehow I or someone else will come alongside and undo the damage. They are good kids, polite kids. They would never say anything derogatory to someone's face. But I don't want them to believe that they or their beliefs are better than anyone else's. Their dad has told them that I made a choice and it is up to them to accept it. I pray that they will. My biggest fantasy is that one day they will want to meet J, have a friendly relationship with her, and realize how happy I am to finally be with her. I know that if they had met her some other way, they would have really liked her and enjoyed her company. They like many of the same kinds of movies, music, etc.

On a happier note, I spent a few hours with my 15-yr-old last night. Had an expensive dinner (at least for us). She talked and talked all about her life, her joys, her struggles, her future plans. The 18-yr-old actually came out to the car, and I was able to hug her. I told them both how beautiful they were and how much I had missed them and how much I love them. It had been over 2 months since the day I left them sleeping in their beds around 7:oo a.m. Bawling on the way out the front door, I remember telling myself to not look back, that I was doing the right thing. And as hard as it is to admit to myself, I did the right thing, for my husband, my kids, and myself. Now the "secret" is out, and I am living honestly for the first time in my entire life.

Tuesday Morning

It's Tuesday morning, and J just left. She spoke about six words to me. That means she's a) very tired, or b) upset with me. Not a good way to start a day. At school, Tuesdays are okay because the kids were back yesterday from the weekend and got most of their weekend stories out. Like, we will all be sitting around on the floor, and I'll be reading to them, everything is serene, right at the climax of the chapter, and someone will raise their hand. Now, usually, I ignore the hand raiser, but this little girl looks so anxious, like she's going to have an accident in mid-sentence, so I call on her. "Ms. B, my dog got a new toy yesterday." Well, I just lose it inside (not on the outside). I mean, how can you interrupt the climax of The Trumpet of the Swan? Is Serena going to get her wing clipped? Are Louis and Serena actually considering donating one of their cygnets to the Philadelphia Zoo? I feel that I am pretty patient with these kids, but when one of the boys picked the picnic table up off the ground during snack time yesterday, I wasn't too nice. "You have now lost your play time," I say to him. Now, he is crying, and I am the meanest lady on the planet. Well, right now, I feel like I am the meanest lady in the apartment, too, because I don't know what I did wrong. Guess I'll find out after she reads this blog. Love ya, sweetie.

The Color of My Rainbow

Your rainbow is strongly shaded white.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is says about you: You are a contemplative person. You appreciate quiet moments. People depend on you to make them feel secure.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

Monday

What are the possible side effects of zolpidem (Ambien) ?

Zolpidem may cause a severe allergic reaction. Stop taking zolpidem and get emergency medical help if you have any of these signs of an allergic reaction: hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat.

Stop using zolpidem and call your doctor at once if you have any of these serious side effects:
worsening sleep problems;
depressed mood, thoughts of hurting yourself;
unusual risk-taking behavior, decreased inhibitions, no fear of danger;
aggression, feeling agitated;
hallucinations, confusion, loss of personality.
Continue taking zolpidem and talk to your doctor if you have any of these less serious side effects:
daytime drowsiness, dizziness, weakness, feeling "drugged" or light-headed;
weakness, lack of coordination;
amnesia, forgetfulness;
vivid or abnormal dreams;
diarrhea, nausea, vomiting;
headache, muscle pain; or
blurred vision.
Side effects other than those listed here may also occur. Talk to your doctor about any side effect that seems unusual or that is especially bothersome.

Well, it's Monday, my least favorite day of the week. And I hate mornings. Last night I had my first hallucination, we're thinking from the Ambien I am taking. I kept trying to get up out of bed to go check it out, but J wouldn't let me cuz she said it wasn't there. It may be time to go back on Lunesta. If you take sleeping medication, which kind do you like?

Today I'm taking 15-yr-old dd to dinner. I was kind of hoping she would like to do more than dinner, but I guess it's best to start out slowly. Anyway, she has a final tomorrow, so she will need to get back and study.

Today is the first day that I will be driving the new wheels around by myself. Wish me luck. I think I may finally have gotten the hang of first gear but not reverse yet. And the very first thing I have to do this a.m. is back it out of the parking space. I picture myself sitting there for hours, frustrated, dying for a Sonic drink, eventually calling in to work that I cannot come in today because my car is not working. Never mind that I have my old car parked nearby.

Guess I should get off the computer now to give myself some extra practice time.

Hungover

The title of today's post says it all - I am hung over. J and I went to a party last night. I was doing great after 2 1/2 rum and cokes and a fajita dinner. But as we were "leaving", J's friend said, "Oh, stay and have another drink," and she quickly orders us another drink a piece. We went into the host's office to talk to her. I was still fine, chatting with a woman from California, when the host came in with shot glasses full of Yeager, whatever the hell that is. I told J I didn't really want a shot because I wasn't sure I would like it, but down the hatch it went, pretty smoothly, too, as we all toasted. I don't remember much after that. J told me some things I talked about, and I cannot believe it. But she said I didn't embarrass her. She said her friend didn't really know I was drunk until J tried to put my jacket on me. I guess I kind of started to twirl around in a circle. She said I didn't stagger until we got to the street and I couldn't find the car, which was right in front of me with the lights on. Then on the way home I told J I was hungry and to stop at Taco Bell to get a taco and one of those "thingies" (nachos) . THAT was a mistake! We were eating Taco Bell at midnight. Anyway, that is the last time I will ever take a Yeager shot.

Today J left me at home on the couch to nurse my spinning head while she did the weekly grocery shopping. I hate grocery shopping, so that was a convenient time for a hangover if there ever was one. Later, she and I went for a long spin in our new vehicle (see post below). We went to World Market and got some great deals. Then I drove her out to see where my school is, getting lost along the way because I was so busy trying to find first gear. Then we went to Walgreen's. I want to watch Amazing Race tonight, and we may watch a movie.

Tomorrow I get to see my 15-yr-old for the first time in 8 weeks! I am taking her to The Cheesecake Factory. She has even invited me to see her perform in Narnia!

We have another party Wednesday night in Houston. J is sending a taxi cab to pick me up from home so that we can meet there and ride home together. I don't think I've ever ridden in one, maybe once in Mexico, now that I think about it.

We have new neighbors above us and now new neighbors across the hall. There goes our peace and quiet that we have enjoyed for over a month.

New Wheels

Here is a pic of what our new wheels are going to look like, a 2004 Saturn Vue. I will be driving it. J doesn't want me driving back and forth to work in an 11-year-old car with no a/c and no ability to roll down the window. It is manual, LOL. I'll be okay once I figure out how to get it in 1st gear. I drove it Saturday and did pretty well. Not looking forward to the first time I have to put it in "reverse", though.

No Clue What To Write

Woke up this morning with a bad headache. Turns out, one of the side effects of Ambien is headaches. Hmm, wonder if that's why I have them now and then? Took ibuprofin, but when I was on my way to work I got very nauseated, called work, and turned around. I slept for three hours straight after that.

J and I have been dealing with families who are still in denial. It has been seven weeks since we moved in together. I guess we were fooling ourselves when we thought it wouldn't take this long -- not to accept us but to at least want to talk to us. Actually, J's family is talking to her, just avoiding the subject of "us."

If you read FG's comment on my last post, she talked about isolation. That is one of the things that led to our breakup 23 years ago. It is not good for ANYBODY. Sometimes now I feel isolated, even though we really are not. J reminds me that we do have friends; we just don't see them very often. I look on my incoming/outgoing phone calls on my cell, and the only name there is "J." Sometimes it REALLY hurts. But then I start thinking, "There is no other name that I would rather see." And then it hits me, we are not isolating ourselves like we were in college; everyone else is isolating us. The shoes are on the other feet. They are the ones who feel uncomfortable, not us. They may be even feeling a bit guilty. Guilty for all of the years J and I missed because they did not accept us then. We can show them by being happy, and that is what we are going to be, with or without them.

Commitment Ceremony

It is not OFFICIAL yet, but the date of our commitment ceremony will likely be March 1st, 2009, in Las Vegas. If any of you want to come, please e-mail me. J and I would love for you to be there. We already have several people coming. I cannot believe it is only a few months away! Honeymoon plans will have to be postponed as we both have to go back to work on the 3rd.