Okay, another holiday. I used to love Easter, I used to love Christmas. You would think I would look forward to being with my girls for a few hours. Not. I want to be with J. I want us to be a family. It just sucks. On holidays sometimes K16 will sit on the couch with me, but K19 does not. So I almost always just head towards a single chair for the day. It's like my "time out" or "dunce" chair. That way, it's not so awkward. It's not making the girls choose. I feel sooo guilty while I'm there because all I do is look at the clock to see when I can sneak out. Always praying that my brother has to leave early to go to his in-laws' home for a second meal and I can tail him out the door.
I haven't written in awhile; there is just not much exciting to say. I made it through the week-long trip to Florida with my oldest and my parents. It was nice, but I just couldn't be me. I wore my wedding ring, but no one said anything about it. My grandmother griped at me about everything. It's her perogative; she just turned 90 and is not feeling well. She still acts like she doesn't know about me and J. As usual, I imagine she knows in her heart but is in denial, just like she is about everything else.
J and I had a nice time at the symphony last night; they played Gershwin and a little bit of Berlin. It was so nice to be out with her on a date. I had missed that. She twisted her knee coming down the stairs, though, so I am not happy about that.
I am still looking for a job with benefits. I know the right one will just fall into my lap; they always do. My boss will be out of the country for two weeks in May, so that would be a good time to interview. Maybe God is waiting until that time.
Still working on the weight loss. See ticker above. I am reading everyone's blogs even though I may not comment much. See you next time.
"A symphony is no joke." Johannes Brahms
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Open Your Eyes Now
Okay. You may open your eyes again. The weight ticker at the top is now correct again. I have lost 12 1/2 lbs. I am drinking 3 liters of H2O a day and trying to cut down on my portions.
On to the latest news:
I have never been good at telling someone that everything is going to be okay; I am the one who needs to hear that everything is going to be okay. So when J called me today and told me that 2 1/2 hours of her work had been deleted accidentally by someone and we may not be able to go out tonight - Insert - I REALLY WANT TO GO OUT TONIGHT! - it was hard for me to say everything is going to be okay. But, really, honey, everything is going to be okay!
I did my good deed for the day. There was a guy in the elevator drinking orange juice. He was telling his buddy that he was trying to prevent a cold that he felt was coming on. I told him that I had Emergen-C in my suite if he wanted some, so he came to my office and took a few packets. He told me I was a lifesaver and that he couldn't believe someone he didn't know would go out of their way to help him. He said that I had changed his feelings towards law firms . LOL
The Sunday visit with my youngest went okay. I brought her to our apartment and cooked spaghetti for lunch served with a salad and berries for dessert. I was a bit worried at first. She went in the restroom and didn't come out for quite awhile. I assumed she was texting someone about how uncomfortable she was there, but when she came out, she was all smiles. Caught her looking at the shelf while I was cooking, the one that has mine and J's pictures and some memorabilia from Vegas on it. Caught her looking at my wedding band a couple of times. There was no discussion generated, but the afternoon went well. She seemed happy and relaxed. We walked around the Galleria for a couple of hours; then I took her home. Did schoolwork with her Monday and Tuesday nights, and she seemed fine towards me.
I am leaving for Florida next Friday. J will be a bachelor. Any IRL friends who read this might want to call and check on her. I would appreciate that because it will be difficult for me to talk much on the phone. The walls are thin in my grandma's place, and I don't want to be rude to her and be on the phone all the time, either. We will be a Disney for two days, which will make it difficult to talk. Hallelujah for texting, though!
Until next time, peace.
~ The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you have just learned how to cook. ~
Andy Rooney
On to the latest news:
I have never been good at telling someone that everything is going to be okay; I am the one who needs to hear that everything is going to be okay. So when J called me today and told me that 2 1/2 hours of her work had been deleted accidentally by someone and we may not be able to go out tonight - Insert - I REALLY WANT TO GO OUT TONIGHT! - it was hard for me to say everything is going to be okay. But, really, honey, everything is going to be okay!
I did my good deed for the day. There was a guy in the elevator drinking orange juice. He was telling his buddy that he was trying to prevent a cold that he felt was coming on. I told him that I had Emergen-C in my suite if he wanted some, so he came to my office and took a few packets. He told me I was a lifesaver and that he couldn't believe someone he didn't know would go out of their way to help him. He said that I had changed his feelings towards law firms . LOL
The Sunday visit with my youngest went okay. I brought her to our apartment and cooked spaghetti for lunch served with a salad and berries for dessert. I was a bit worried at first. She went in the restroom and didn't come out for quite awhile. I assumed she was texting someone about how uncomfortable she was there, but when she came out, she was all smiles. Caught her looking at the shelf while I was cooking, the one that has mine and J's pictures and some memorabilia from Vegas on it. Caught her looking at my wedding band a couple of times. There was no discussion generated, but the afternoon went well. She seemed happy and relaxed. We walked around the Galleria for a couple of hours; then I took her home. Did schoolwork with her Monday and Tuesday nights, and she seemed fine towards me.
I am leaving for Florida next Friday. J will be a bachelor. Any IRL friends who read this might want to call and check on her. I would appreciate that because it will be difficult for me to talk much on the phone. The walls are thin in my grandma's place, and I don't want to be rude to her and be on the phone all the time, either. We will be a Disney for two days, which will make it difficult to talk. Hallelujah for texting, though!
Until next time, peace.
~ The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you have just learned how to cook. ~
Andy Rooney
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Wish Me Luck
Today I am bringing my youngest to the apartment for lunch, and then we are going shopping at the Galleria. I am leaving ALL photos of Jand I out, including the Valentine photo that I made for J which has the lyrics to "Lady" written on it. I am leaving the champagne glasses from Vegas out and the Flamingo that everyone signed (even though it is way up on the top shelf). The only things I am putting away are magnets which have our names and wedding date on them.
Wish me luck. I am hoping that the photos of J and I in high school and college will start a conversation of some kind. I am not sure that she even knows we were together back when we were 16/17. I have kept my wedding ring on this year. So far no one has said anything.
It is way past time for things to move on in the coming out department with my kids.
Oh, by the way, the weight loss ticker hasn't moved. Actually, it should move down two pounds. I have gained two pounds. I am regrouping this week and trying to find out if it is my thyroid, food portions menopause, lack of water or what that has me at such a standstill after only a 12 lb weight loss. It the process I cheated and have gained 2. I ordered the Richard Simmons food mover to help me track my calories. This has helped me in the past, so wish me luck there, too. Now, if I could only drink some water!
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things fish do in it." - W. C. Fields
Wish me luck. I am hoping that the photos of J and I in high school and college will start a conversation of some kind. I am not sure that she even knows we were together back when we were 16/17. I have kept my wedding ring on this year. So far no one has said anything.
It is way past time for things to move on in the coming out department with my kids.
Oh, by the way, the weight loss ticker hasn't moved. Actually, it should move down two pounds. I have gained two pounds. I am regrouping this week and trying to find out if it is my thyroid, food portions menopause, lack of water or what that has me at such a standstill after only a 12 lb weight loss. It the process I cheated and have gained 2. I ordered the Richard Simmons food mover to help me track my calories. This has helped me in the past, so wish me luck there, too. Now, if I could only drink some water!
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things fish do in it." - W. C. Fields
Thursday, February 18, 2010
You Should Be A Writer and Do You Believe in Ghosts
"You should be a writer." That was what my fourth grade teacher told me when she read some of my poetry.
The first thing I ever remember writing other than a report was a story about Smokey the Bear. Actually, I stole the story from a friend of mine. Shocker, I know. I read her story and loved it so much, that I memorized it, went home and re-wrote it on my parents' old manual typewriter. Pretty bad, huh?
Of course, those were the days when there was no backspace correction key. If you messed up, you had a pencil with an eraser on one end and a stiff brush on the other to wipe the eraser chunks away. If you used carbon paper, you had to erase that, too. I loved the way it felt to get to the end of a line of writing and push the metal bar to manually return the carriage. That in itself was a workout on your arms as those typewriter carriages were pretty heavy and bulky. I had to hold the typewriter down with one hand to keep it from sliding around on the desk while returning the carriage with the other.
The next thing I remember writing was a story about a toy drum at Christmas time, sitting on a shelf in a toy store, waiting to be purchased. "He" was bought, wrapped, and put under a Christmas tree with all of the other toy presents which would magically come out and play at night while the family was asleep. The drum's plan was to figure out how to get the family to go back to the toy store and rescue his toy friends who had been left behind for Christmas. Think "Island of Misfit Toys."
After that it was poetry, most of which was very dark, about running away. I wrote poetry because it was fast and easy for me. I didn't have to commit to a huge project. I have always been bad at beginning things and never finishing them.
After college I wrote some pretty amazing stuff if I do say so myself, about the abuse, mostly. I wish I had kept it. I probably chunked it all in one toss into a dumpster in a fit of anger. I regret it now. I had written a poem about my grandmother, asking her why she turned her head the other way. It was pages and pages long. I gave it to my therapist for safekeeping. The therapist left unannounced. When I finally tracked her down, she claimed that she had destroyed all of my records. I think she should have given me the chance to take all of my writings and drawings back before she left.
Around 1984 or '85, my paternal grandfather who had passed away in 1982 came into my bedroom, I kid you not, and dictated a poem to me that I was to write down and give to my brother. I have always wanted to ask him if he still has it. I doubt it because he and my grandfather were never close, which is what the poem was mainly about.
SUBJECT BREAK --- By the way, do YOU believe in ghosts? I do, but I really don't think of them as ghosts. "Ghost" has such a scary meaning to me. I guess what I believe in are "spirits." And I definitely believe in guardian angels. When I was a kid I swore I had a guardian angel and her name was Barrette. Don't know how she got that name, but that was before anyone ever told me there were guardian angels in the world. She was not an imaginary friend. I didn't sit and have conversations with her; I just always knew she was there. I have been having those same feelings lately. I haven't told J, but she will know now when she reads this.
OKAY. BACK TO THE WRITING SUBJECT.
Anyway, my biggest writing project I tackled was my novel "Reverse Skate" which is a whopping 118 pages long. I just can't seem to go back and work on it. For one thing, it has an EXTREMELY cheesy ending, which I hate. I want to change it and I know how to change it, but I am afraid to change it. Does that make sense? Sometimes things are better if you don't change them. But it is SO BAD!! And then there is the going back and adding details to make it longer, deeper, more cohesive. What I have can be more likely called an outline. My problem is this: do I go back and spend my time rehashing a story that, frankly, I have grown tired of, or move on to something else? It has been over two years since I even looked at it, but the thought of all that detail, ugh! It's exhausting just thinking about it.
I have always wanted to write mine and J's story, and I have written a lot of it here; but, really, you have to admit that there aren't many lesbian "love" stories out there that resemble ours. I haven't read any of the ones out on the market because there is so much sex in them, and I am just not into reading erotica. I like to make my own. LOL Seriously, our story is so much more than that, and that's what I want people to read. I would like to write a book that heterosexuals could read and feel like even they could relate to. Because, really, I didn't fall in love with J because she is a woman; I fell in love with her because she is J. And that is what I feel like a lot of the lesbian love stories seem to be missing. As I said, I haven't read any, but I have read blurbs on the back and inside covers and summaries in magazines or on websites, enough to tell me that they would not hold my interest.
I guess what I am saying is that I think I am starting to come out of a couple of years' worth of writer's block. I think I may be ready to get back on the horse. Just not sure where I am going to travel.
"A ghost is someone who hasn't made it - in other words, who died, and they don't know they're dead. So they keep walking around and thinking that you're inhabiting their - let's say, their domain. So they're aggravated with you." - Sylvia Browne
"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two." - George Burns
The first thing I ever remember writing other than a report was a story about Smokey the Bear. Actually, I stole the story from a friend of mine. Shocker, I know. I read her story and loved it so much, that I memorized it, went home and re-wrote it on my parents' old manual typewriter. Pretty bad, huh?
Of course, those were the days when there was no backspace correction key. If you messed up, you had a pencil with an eraser on one end and a stiff brush on the other to wipe the eraser chunks away. If you used carbon paper, you had to erase that, too. I loved the way it felt to get to the end of a line of writing and push the metal bar to manually return the carriage. That in itself was a workout on your arms as those typewriter carriages were pretty heavy and bulky. I had to hold the typewriter down with one hand to keep it from sliding around on the desk while returning the carriage with the other.
The next thing I remember writing was a story about a toy drum at Christmas time, sitting on a shelf in a toy store, waiting to be purchased. "He" was bought, wrapped, and put under a Christmas tree with all of the other toy presents which would magically come out and play at night while the family was asleep. The drum's plan was to figure out how to get the family to go back to the toy store and rescue his toy friends who had been left behind for Christmas. Think "Island of Misfit Toys."
After that it was poetry, most of which was very dark, about running away. I wrote poetry because it was fast and easy for me. I didn't have to commit to a huge project. I have always been bad at beginning things and never finishing them.
After college I wrote some pretty amazing stuff if I do say so myself, about the abuse, mostly. I wish I had kept it. I probably chunked it all in one toss into a dumpster in a fit of anger. I regret it now. I had written a poem about my grandmother, asking her why she turned her head the other way. It was pages and pages long. I gave it to my therapist for safekeeping. The therapist left unannounced. When I finally tracked her down, she claimed that she had destroyed all of my records. I think she should have given me the chance to take all of my writings and drawings back before she left.
Around 1984 or '85, my paternal grandfather who had passed away in 1982 came into my bedroom, I kid you not, and dictated a poem to me that I was to write down and give to my brother. I have always wanted to ask him if he still has it. I doubt it because he and my grandfather were never close, which is what the poem was mainly about.
SUBJECT BREAK --- By the way, do YOU believe in ghosts? I do, but I really don't think of them as ghosts. "Ghost" has such a scary meaning to me. I guess what I believe in are "spirits." And I definitely believe in guardian angels. When I was a kid I swore I had a guardian angel and her name was Barrette. Don't know how she got that name, but that was before anyone ever told me there were guardian angels in the world. She was not an imaginary friend. I didn't sit and have conversations with her; I just always knew she was there. I have been having those same feelings lately. I haven't told J, but she will know now when she reads this.
OKAY. BACK TO THE WRITING SUBJECT.
Anyway, my biggest writing project I tackled was my novel "Reverse Skate" which is a whopping 118 pages long. I just can't seem to go back and work on it. For one thing, it has an EXTREMELY cheesy ending, which I hate. I want to change it and I know how to change it, but I am afraid to change it. Does that make sense? Sometimes things are better if you don't change them. But it is SO BAD!! And then there is the going back and adding details to make it longer, deeper, more cohesive. What I have can be more likely called an outline. My problem is this: do I go back and spend my time rehashing a story that, frankly, I have grown tired of, or move on to something else? It has been over two years since I even looked at it, but the thought of all that detail, ugh! It's exhausting just thinking about it.
I have always wanted to write mine and J's story, and I have written a lot of it here; but, really, you have to admit that there aren't many lesbian "love" stories out there that resemble ours. I haven't read any of the ones out on the market because there is so much sex in them, and I am just not into reading erotica. I like to make my own. LOL Seriously, our story is so much more than that, and that's what I want people to read. I would like to write a book that heterosexuals could read and feel like even they could relate to. Because, really, I didn't fall in love with J because she is a woman; I fell in love with her because she is J. And that is what I feel like a lot of the lesbian love stories seem to be missing. As I said, I haven't read any, but I have read blurbs on the back and inside covers and summaries in magazines or on websites, enough to tell me that they would not hold my interest.
I guess what I am saying is that I think I am starting to come out of a couple of years' worth of writer's block. I think I may be ready to get back on the horse. Just not sure where I am going to travel.
"A ghost is someone who hasn't made it - in other words, who died, and they don't know they're dead. So they keep walking around and thinking that you're inhabiting their - let's say, their domain. So they're aggravated with you." - Sylvia Browne
"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two." - George Burns
Sunday, February 7, 2010
I wanted to kiss her; I wanted to hold her more.
It had been about 10 yrs. since I had seen her beautiful face. We had been talking and texting for a couple of months. The day finally arrived for us to meet again. She was supposed to arrive at 5:00 p.m. I couldn't wait. I called her on the phone:
Me: I am closing the store at 2:00 p.m.
J: I am on my way
I didn't know that this had put a kink in J's plans. She had planned to stop by the hotel and put two roses on my pillow - one for the past, one for the future. I know I have probably told y'all this story many times, but I don't care. A while later my phone rang.
J: I'm in the parking lot. Nervous.
Me: I'm coming to the front door to let you in.
I couldn't get to the door fast enough. I couldn't get my key in the door fast enough. I wanted to see her beautiful face; I wanted to touch her.
There she was, standing at the door, looking like a nervous wreck, but gorgeous anyway. There were 15 floor to ceiling windows in the front. I couldn't kiss her there. I let her in and led her to the nearest classroom and closed the door. I wanted to kiss her. I SO WANTED TO KISS HER. But I wanted to hold her more. And I wanted her to hold me. I feel exactly the same way tonight.
Millions and millions of years would still not give me half enough time to describe that tiny instant of all eternity when you put your arms around me and I put my arms around you. - Jacquest Prevert
Me: I am closing the store at 2:00 p.m.
J: I am on my way
I didn't know that this had put a kink in J's plans. She had planned to stop by the hotel and put two roses on my pillow - one for the past, one for the future. I know I have probably told y'all this story many times, but I don't care. A while later my phone rang.
J: I'm in the parking lot. Nervous.
Me: I'm coming to the front door to let you in.
I couldn't get to the door fast enough. I couldn't get my key in the door fast enough. I wanted to see her beautiful face; I wanted to touch her.
There she was, standing at the door, looking like a nervous wreck, but gorgeous anyway. There were 15 floor to ceiling windows in the front. I couldn't kiss her there. I let her in and led her to the nearest classroom and closed the door. I wanted to kiss her. I SO WANTED TO KISS HER. But I wanted to hold her more. And I wanted her to hold me. I feel exactly the same way tonight.
Millions and millions of years would still not give me half enough time to describe that tiny instant of all eternity when you put your arms around me and I put my arms around you. - Jacquest Prevert
Friday, February 5, 2010
Some Days
Some days I feel like I am good at my job - today ain't one of them. I messed up big time this week. Everything turned out all right in the end, just as J said it would. Why don't I listen to her? Why can't I be like her and quit worrying and worrying when I do something wrong. Afraid I'm going to get caught, reprimanded. Wondering if I should try to cover up my mistakes or fess up to what I did.
My week ended well, though. A friend of mine who is the mom of a student I had in my class last year has been asking me to be her friend on Facebook. I have not confirmed her because I am not out to her or her sister who worked at the school. Finally today I e-mailed her and told her why. We had been trying to get together and I was going to tell her then, but we never have been able to. I didn't want her to log in on FB and see my profile without warning. So today I e-mailed her and told her I'm gay. If it mattered, I would not confirm her; If it didn't, I would. She called me about a half an hr. later and told me she could not believe that I had gone so long without telling her, that she loved me, and would always be my friend. Now, her sister may be a different story. She is more conservative. She is going to talk to her and see how she feels about it.
Anyway, I invited her to my birthday party, and she wants to come! And she said that J and I can come to her parties - she has a lot of get togethers! So, wow, that totally made my week end on a positive note. J said I have been chattering non-stop since I got home. And to make things even brighter, my youngest said she wants to come see the condo when she gets well (she has strep).
Question for those of you who still read me:
Has being gay ever been an issue for you when deciding to take a job? Once I was asked to teach at a small Christian school that my daughters were attending. The woman really wanted me there, was going to pay me a bunch of money and give me lots of responsibilities. I was soo excited because I was also going to be able to see my girls during the day. Well, all my references checked out, salary was set, everything except for signing the contract. I went into her office and looked at it. It was the longest contract I had ever seen. Toward the end there was a Bible verse. I had to initial and sign that I thought homosexuals were "perverted." Perverted. I almost died. She was talking about friends of mine; she was talking about me. I could not sign. I turned the job down.
Down 11 lbs. Boy, it is taking awhile, but I know that is a good thing. The longer it should stay off. Went to Jazzercise Wednesday night and walked 2 miles tonight.
Tomorrow I am going to eat at my grandmother's and take her on errands. Then do a little Valentine's Day shopping. Tomorrow night J is taking me to the symphony. I can't wait! I haven't been there since the fourth grade. I always thought symphonies were for intellectuals. LOL
I am going to start putting quotes at the end of each post. I used to do this on my old blog. I will try to put a quote that has something to do with the point of my post, if I have a point.
"Closets are for clothes." - Bumper Sticker
"A symphony is a stage play with the parts written for instruments instead of for actors." - Colin Henry Wilson
My week ended well, though. A friend of mine who is the mom of a student I had in my class last year has been asking me to be her friend on Facebook. I have not confirmed her because I am not out to her or her sister who worked at the school. Finally today I e-mailed her and told her why. We had been trying to get together and I was going to tell her then, but we never have been able to. I didn't want her to log in on FB and see my profile without warning. So today I e-mailed her and told her I'm gay. If it mattered, I would not confirm her; If it didn't, I would. She called me about a half an hr. later and told me she could not believe that I had gone so long without telling her, that she loved me, and would always be my friend. Now, her sister may be a different story. She is more conservative. She is going to talk to her and see how she feels about it.
Anyway, I invited her to my birthday party, and she wants to come! And she said that J and I can come to her parties - she has a lot of get togethers! So, wow, that totally made my week end on a positive note. J said I have been chattering non-stop since I got home. And to make things even brighter, my youngest said she wants to come see the condo when she gets well (she has strep).
Question for those of you who still read me:
Has being gay ever been an issue for you when deciding to take a job? Once I was asked to teach at a small Christian school that my daughters were attending. The woman really wanted me there, was going to pay me a bunch of money and give me lots of responsibilities. I was soo excited because I was also going to be able to see my girls during the day. Well, all my references checked out, salary was set, everything except for signing the contract. I went into her office and looked at it. It was the longest contract I had ever seen. Toward the end there was a Bible verse. I had to initial and sign that I thought homosexuals were "perverted." Perverted. I almost died. She was talking about friends of mine; she was talking about me. I could not sign. I turned the job down.
Down 11 lbs. Boy, it is taking awhile, but I know that is a good thing. The longer it should stay off. Went to Jazzercise Wednesday night and walked 2 miles tonight.
Tomorrow I am going to eat at my grandmother's and take her on errands. Then do a little Valentine's Day shopping. Tomorrow night J is taking me to the symphony. I can't wait! I haven't been there since the fourth grade. I always thought symphonies were for intellectuals. LOL
I am going to start putting quotes at the end of each post. I used to do this on my old blog. I will try to put a quote that has something to do with the point of my post, if I have a point.
"Closets are for clothes." - Bumper Sticker
"A symphony is a stage play with the parts written for instruments instead of for actors." - Colin Henry Wilson
Sunday, January 24, 2010
"No, I Can't Do That Anymore"
It was December of 1979, my senior year. J and I were both 17. We were in her living room; I was crying. My family was driving to Indiana for Christmas, and I didn't want to go with them. Not only because I wanted to be with J, but that day I told her that my grandfather had been sexually abusing me for years and I was afraid that he would try again.
I remember J told me to simply tell him to "Stop!" Such a simple thing, really, but something I had never done before for fear that he would hurt me or tell my parents and they would get a divorce. He always carried a gun; I think that is why I am still afraid of them. And he had always held a divorce over my head. "If your parents find out, your mom will believe me. They will argue about it and get a divorce."
I went on that trip at Christmas and, of course, things had not changed. In the middle of the night the first night, he stood outside my door and snapped his fingers. That was his signal. Today I still cannot stand to hear someone snapping their fingers. I stayed in my bed.
The next day he pulled me aside and told me how upset and disappointed he was in me, and I could tell he was angry at me. He tried twice more after that. I said something like, "No, I can't do that anymore." And he never had another chance until I was 25.
I felt so strong after that. J had given me the confidence to say, "No." And God was with me so that nothing bad happened after I said, "No." There were two reasons I said "no." One reason was because I understandably had never wanted it in the first place." The second reason was that J and I had now found each other and I felt that she was the only person I wanted near me in that way, ever.
It was so good to finally tell someone and have them believe me or help me do something about it. I had told a few adults along the way, but back then they really didn't say any more than, "You need to tell your parents."
Once we got to college, my sophomore year I was having a lot of trouble sleeping and functioning. I was having flashbacks and body memories. J couldn't stand it, so one weekend when we came home, she got my mother alone and told her about what my grandfather had done. My mother said that she would take to me about it.
Fast forward one year later: she had not talked to me about it. So J and I invited her and my grandmother to San Marcos for the weekend. While J took my grandmother somewhere, I confronted my mom in our living room. After that, my mom has not wanted to talk about it; she says it's in the past and I should move on. The problem is, my mom and I have never been able to "move on" in our relationship and she has always held a grudge against J for telling her about the abuse.
Fast forward to this week: Following my therapist's advice, I invited my parents (by e-mail) to come see the condo, play on the Wii and go to a restaurant. Neither one of them replied, I am assuming because my mother does not want to see J. The issue between them will always be there, and my dad will probably always side with my mom. I am so angry. As long as they don't have to see J, it is like she doesn't exist; and, therefore, I am not in this relationship. It sucks.
I remember J told me to simply tell him to "Stop!" Such a simple thing, really, but something I had never done before for fear that he would hurt me or tell my parents and they would get a divorce. He always carried a gun; I think that is why I am still afraid of them. And he had always held a divorce over my head. "If your parents find out, your mom will believe me. They will argue about it and get a divorce."
I went on that trip at Christmas and, of course, things had not changed. In the middle of the night the first night, he stood outside my door and snapped his fingers. That was his signal. Today I still cannot stand to hear someone snapping their fingers. I stayed in my bed.
The next day he pulled me aside and told me how upset and disappointed he was in me, and I could tell he was angry at me. He tried twice more after that. I said something like, "No, I can't do that anymore." And he never had another chance until I was 25.
I felt so strong after that. J had given me the confidence to say, "No." And God was with me so that nothing bad happened after I said, "No." There were two reasons I said "no." One reason was because I understandably had never wanted it in the first place." The second reason was that J and I had now found each other and I felt that she was the only person I wanted near me in that way, ever.
It was so good to finally tell someone and have them believe me or help me do something about it. I had told a few adults along the way, but back then they really didn't say any more than, "You need to tell your parents."
Once we got to college, my sophomore year I was having a lot of trouble sleeping and functioning. I was having flashbacks and body memories. J couldn't stand it, so one weekend when we came home, she got my mother alone and told her about what my grandfather had done. My mother said that she would take to me about it.
Fast forward one year later: she had not talked to me about it. So J and I invited her and my grandmother to San Marcos for the weekend. While J took my grandmother somewhere, I confronted my mom in our living room. After that, my mom has not wanted to talk about it; she says it's in the past and I should move on. The problem is, my mom and I have never been able to "move on" in our relationship and she has always held a grudge against J for telling her about the abuse.
Fast forward to this week: Following my therapist's advice, I invited my parents (by e-mail) to come see the condo, play on the Wii and go to a restaurant. Neither one of them replied, I am assuming because my mother does not want to see J. The issue between them will always be there, and my dad will probably always side with my mom. I am so angry. As long as they don't have to see J, it is like she doesn't exist; and, therefore, I am not in this relationship. It sucks.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Just Checking In or "What Would You Say to Your 13-Year Old Self?
Hi. Just wanted to stop and check in. We're still alive and kickin. J's knee has been giving her fits. Pre-menopause has been giving me mine. I am on some new OCD meds which I don't think are doing a darn bit of good.
As most of you know, I started the South Beach Diet around New Year's Day. I have lost 7 lbs. It's very frustrating to be so bloated awaiting your time of the month (which never seems to arrive) and try to lose weight at the same time. I am hoping once the fake period symptoms subside, the bloating and weight will magically be shed.
We started back to church. Our pastor has been in critical condition since before Christmas. I have seen my girls a couple of times since Christmas and started back with the high school homeschool classes with the younger one this week. The drive is horrible - about 2 hrs there and 1 hour back. But it is worth it just to see her.
My oldest and I are going to Florida during spring break to see my grandmother who is turning 90. Now I have a 90-yr-old grandmother and a 93-yr-old grandmother. Great genes!
No one has said anything about my wedding band yet. I am going to my grandmother's and my parents' house tomorrow. Wonder if they will say anything?
My brother and I are planning a 50th anniversary party for my parents this year. Should be fun. My car is in the shop tonight. Hope it is nothing serious.
Oh, and I am LOVING Pandora.com, Netflix, and Facebook!
I am so blessed to have J to spend the rest of my life with. Every night, I look over at her, her head resting on her pillow, me in her arms. She kisses me over and over again, and talks to me while I drift off to sleep, telling me how we met, what she used to think about me, how nervous she was, how beautiful she thought I was. I never get tired of hearing the story again and again. There is nothing better.
Someone once asked me, "If you knew then what you know now, what would you say to your 13-yr-old self?" Wow. 13 years old. I was so dorky but trying to change my image. I had braces, acne; I was so ugly. I was being sexually abused by more than one person at the time. I was afraid of my father's strictness, and I knew I was different."
I wasn't crushing over any girls or anything, but I wasn't crushing over boys, either. My OCD was in full swing, although I never said anything to anybody about it.
So what would I tell myself? Probably the following:
1. Look toward your heart.
2. God has a special person in mind for you. Don't settle.
3. It's okay to be different.
4. You don't have to go out with guys just because they ask you and everyone else is going on dates. (I started dating at 14. I was petrified to turn any boy down.)
5. You can tell your parents what is happening to you, especially your dad; he WILL BELIEVE YOU! And he will make it stop!
6. You don't have to be like everyone else.
7. God loves you no matter who you are and that is not going to change!
8. You can have children without getting married to a man.
9. Take some time off before going to college.
10. Don't ever let anyone verbally or physically abuse you as an adult.
Oh, I could go on and on. What would you tell your 13-yr-old self?
Sunday, January 3, 2010
More OCD Cartoons. Gotta love'em!
The bird on the zebra is me big time! And I think my therapist has probably wanted to smack me one several times; I know J has!
End of the Holidays
Yesterday, we went to Office Depot and bought a desk for our computer. Now we won't have to put it on top of boxes while we type. Then we went to the lesbian Target. J only spotted one lesbian couple, and I missed them! My gaydar is soooo bad. After that, we went to IKEA, and it was a nightmare! Had to park close to Antoine. It was wall-to-wall people in there. Found a whisk. J said, "We are not going through all of this just to buy a whisk", so we ended up with a chest of drawers (that we had to load ourselves onto a dolly), some hot pads, and a trash can for the master bathroom. But then we had to go to Home Depot to buy a dolly so that we could get the furniture upstairs. Wow, what a day! And that all took place between 2:00 p.m. and 5:30 p.m.
As you can see, I found a weight loss ticker. Not very original, huh? Today the Texans play their last game. I am going to take the Christmas tree and decorations down while watching the game. J has to do some work and pay bills. I am also going to be cooking up food for the week to snack on (meatballs, for sure!) so that my blood sugar doesn't drop and start cravings.
I finally decided what my New Year's resolution is going to be. It is going to be to pray more often. I have been extremely lacking in that area for a long time now. Praying is simply a personal relationship with God to me. I don't usually ask for anything, really, just his will and that I can make it through whatever comes up. He has never failed me, never. I may not always like his answers, but I am not living for me; I am supposed to be living for him. He calls the shots. I need to be more thankful for what I have, not for what I don't. Because I have a lot more than most.
I am so sad to see this holiday end. I don't want to go back to work. Oh, yeah, that's another thing I need to do today; work on my resume. Hope you all have a leisurely Sunday.
B
As you can see, I found a weight loss ticker. Not very original, huh? Today the Texans play their last game. I am going to take the Christmas tree and decorations down while watching the game. J has to do some work and pay bills. I am also going to be cooking up food for the week to snack on (meatballs, for sure!) so that my blood sugar doesn't drop and start cravings.
I finally decided what my New Year's resolution is going to be. It is going to be to pray more often. I have been extremely lacking in that area for a long time now. Praying is simply a personal relationship with God to me. I don't usually ask for anything, really, just his will and that I can make it through whatever comes up. He has never failed me, never. I may not always like his answers, but I am not living for me; I am supposed to be living for him. He calls the shots. I need to be more thankful for what I have, not for what I don't. Because I have a lot more than most.
I am so sad to see this holiday end. I don't want to go back to work. Oh, yeah, that's another thing I need to do today; work on my resume. Hope you all have a leisurely Sunday.
B
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Our Year in Review
Well, in order to review, I must go back to Thanksgiving and Christmas of '08 to get the full effect. I left the ex and the girls October 15th, 2008. I was not invited to Thanksgiving dinner with my family. J went to her mom's for awhile, and then we went searching for a restaurant to eat at that night. It was very difficult to find anything open, only making the holiday more depressing. We ended up at Doneraki for a Mexican meal.
Christmas wasn't much better. I was not invited to exchange gifts with my family (they had exchanged names and had a huge get together on Christmas Eve at my brother's). I guess my parents started to feel a bit sorry for me and knew that I wanted to see the girls, so they invited me, my grandmother, my ex, and the girls over on Christmas Day for a meal and for me to give the girls their presents. The whole day was EXTREMELY awkward with no one knowing where to sit at the table (my mom put place cards down this year), and we all left right after the dishes were done. Both girls were standoffish and didn't thank me for their gifts, and neither one gave me a gift.
By January we were planning our commitment ceremony for March 1st in Las Vegas. I absolutely hated my job and wanted out of it so badly. But we were excited planning everything and picking out the rings, the clothes, etc. Except for the last minute stress of not finding the right shoes to match my dress or finding the perfect blouse to match J's suit, the planning of the ceremony was actually quite easy.
February was my birthday, and, as usual, J treated me out to dinner and gave me a pearl necklace and earrings for my birthday and Valentine's Day to wear at the ceremony! She always makes every day romantic. Left for Vegas at the end of the month!
March 1st, 2009, at 4:30 p.m.: We were "committed" at the Flamingo by an awesome minister and staff. They treated us like any other bride and groom. J was SOOOO nervous! We wrote our own vows. We had six great friends to share in our joy! Got plastered the last night downtown.
Came home sick, sick, sick. I missed quite a few days of work.
April (I think): J had to have her gall bladder taken out. Not a fun time for her. Was the first time I had seen her mom in years. We actually had a few minutes of civil conversation. I think she could tell that I was going to try to take good care of J.
May: All I could think of was getting out of my job! Started sending out resumes more diligently. I made it through the school year. My daughter graduated from high school, which we had been told by doctors would never happen. Saw a lot of old friends (and enemies) that I had not seen since I left. For the most part, they were cordial. Again, I was left out of planning the reception, so I told her I would not attend. She asked me to, but I didn't feel comfortable.
June: bored, bored, bored. Tried to see the girls as much as possible, but they both had jobs and were "busy" a lot.
July: Had given up finding a job and was gearing up for the new school year, when we got a lead on a job. Had the interview, and while I was waiting to hear back, I went to Florida for a few days. Was the first time J and I had been apart since getting back together. Was going to come out to my grandmother, but she said some derogatory remarks about gays, so I chickened out. Found a lump in my breast before I left for Florida. Started my new job on July 20th. Had my first biopsy on July 24th.
August: Was told by the surgeon that although the tumor appeared to be malignant, he would need to go back in and do a more extensive biopsy to be sure. The kind of tumor I had was really rare. Had the second biopsy on August 31st.
September: Celebrated J's birthday. Started teaching my youngest two classes. Met at the library Monday and Tuesday nights. Was still not getting as much time with the oldest one as I wanted. We started hunting for a new place to live that would be closer to our jobs.
October: Went to an oncology radiologist who said he couldn't tell me whether or not the tumor was malignant or whether or not I needed radiation. It was our call. We opted to not have the radiation done. That month is a total blur with medical bills coming in every day. We just wanted to move so badly.
November 14th, we moved into the city. J was thrilled. I missed the country and got lost a lot. Still do! Celebrated our anniversary at Carraba's. It would have been 29 years had we stayed together the first time.
December was full of mixed emotions. Our families still have not come around. Our parents are more comfortable around us, but I don't think we will ever be allowed to bring the other partner to their homes. My kids didn't sit anywhere near me at Christmas. The oldest one actually started speaking to me, though. But J and I had our first Christmas tree together and woke up on Christmas Day next to each other for the second year in a row.
So here it is, January 2010. I am starting back on the South Beach diet. I don't really like to call it a "diet." It's just another way of eating. I have about 70 lbs. to lose. One year I lost over 40 lbs on it, but then went back to eating my favorite - mashed potatoes! Lost 1 1/2 since yesterday. Been playing on the Wii and not eating carbs or sugar. I will try to keep you up-to-date on my weight loss progress. It's really not about making a resolution. I have never weighed this much in my entire life, and the only one who can change that is me! If anyone knows of a weight loss counter I can put on my blog, please let me know.
Peace to all of you this new year!
Christmas wasn't much better. I was not invited to exchange gifts with my family (they had exchanged names and had a huge get together on Christmas Eve at my brother's). I guess my parents started to feel a bit sorry for me and knew that I wanted to see the girls, so they invited me, my grandmother, my ex, and the girls over on Christmas Day for a meal and for me to give the girls their presents. The whole day was EXTREMELY awkward with no one knowing where to sit at the table (my mom put place cards down this year), and we all left right after the dishes were done. Both girls were standoffish and didn't thank me for their gifts, and neither one gave me a gift.
By January we were planning our commitment ceremony for March 1st in Las Vegas. I absolutely hated my job and wanted out of it so badly. But we were excited planning everything and picking out the rings, the clothes, etc. Except for the last minute stress of not finding the right shoes to match my dress or finding the perfect blouse to match J's suit, the planning of the ceremony was actually quite easy.
February was my birthday, and, as usual, J treated me out to dinner and gave me a pearl necklace and earrings for my birthday and Valentine's Day to wear at the ceremony! She always makes every day romantic. Left for Vegas at the end of the month!
March 1st, 2009, at 4:30 p.m.: We were "committed" at the Flamingo by an awesome minister and staff. They treated us like any other bride and groom. J was SOOOO nervous! We wrote our own vows. We had six great friends to share in our joy! Got plastered the last night downtown.
Came home sick, sick, sick. I missed quite a few days of work.
April (I think): J had to have her gall bladder taken out. Not a fun time for her. Was the first time I had seen her mom in years. We actually had a few minutes of civil conversation. I think she could tell that I was going to try to take good care of J.
May: All I could think of was getting out of my job! Started sending out resumes more diligently. I made it through the school year. My daughter graduated from high school, which we had been told by doctors would never happen. Saw a lot of old friends (and enemies) that I had not seen since I left. For the most part, they were cordial. Again, I was left out of planning the reception, so I told her I would not attend. She asked me to, but I didn't feel comfortable.
June: bored, bored, bored. Tried to see the girls as much as possible, but they both had jobs and were "busy" a lot.
July: Had given up finding a job and was gearing up for the new school year, when we got a lead on a job. Had the interview, and while I was waiting to hear back, I went to Florida for a few days. Was the first time J and I had been apart since getting back together. Was going to come out to my grandmother, but she said some derogatory remarks about gays, so I chickened out. Found a lump in my breast before I left for Florida. Started my new job on July 20th. Had my first biopsy on July 24th.
August: Was told by the surgeon that although the tumor appeared to be malignant, he would need to go back in and do a more extensive biopsy to be sure. The kind of tumor I had was really rare. Had the second biopsy on August 31st.
September: Celebrated J's birthday. Started teaching my youngest two classes. Met at the library Monday and Tuesday nights. Was still not getting as much time with the oldest one as I wanted. We started hunting for a new place to live that would be closer to our jobs.
October: Went to an oncology radiologist who said he couldn't tell me whether or not the tumor was malignant or whether or not I needed radiation. It was our call. We opted to not have the radiation done. That month is a total blur with medical bills coming in every day. We just wanted to move so badly.
November 14th, we moved into the city. J was thrilled. I missed the country and got lost a lot. Still do! Celebrated our anniversary at Carraba's. It would have been 29 years had we stayed together the first time.
December was full of mixed emotions. Our families still have not come around. Our parents are more comfortable around us, but I don't think we will ever be allowed to bring the other partner to their homes. My kids didn't sit anywhere near me at Christmas. The oldest one actually started speaking to me, though. But J and I had our first Christmas tree together and woke up on Christmas Day next to each other for the second year in a row.
So here it is, January 2010. I am starting back on the South Beach diet. I don't really like to call it a "diet." It's just another way of eating. I have about 70 lbs. to lose. One year I lost over 40 lbs on it, but then went back to eating my favorite - mashed potatoes! Lost 1 1/2 since yesterday. Been playing on the Wii and not eating carbs or sugar. I will try to keep you up-to-date on my weight loss progress. It's really not about making a resolution. I have never weighed this much in my entire life, and the only one who can change that is me! If anyone knows of a weight loss counter I can put on my blog, please let me know.
Peace to all of you this new year!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Thoughts and a Prayer
Today at work I was bending over to pick something up off the floor (okay, it was a Reese's wrapper, I admit it). I spotted something shiny on the floor wedged between my computer tower and my desk. I picked it up and found that it was my left earring. I NEVER look under my desk, never! How was it that I just happened to look down there and find that earring? So many things in my life have happened like that. For instance, why did I go pick up J and take her to Whataburger when I was 17? I hardly even knew her. I could have picked up any of my current friends; but, no, I picked J. Out of thousands of people at the Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion at a concert in July of 1993, how was it that J happened to be standing near me in a line for margaritas?
I don't like to say that I am lucky to have J; I like to say that I am blessed. I never believed in luck, except for when playing a game or gambling. But does it mean that I was unblessed when I was without her for 23 years? A woman in Houston lost her house in a fire the other day, but said that God blessed her and her 3-yr-old grandson alerted her to the smoke and saved her life. Did God unbless her by her losing her house? People in car wrecks are always saying how "blessed" they are when they survive. What about the other people who didn't survive? Were they unblessed?
I had a friend who used to pray about EVERYTHING! She would always pray when we went anywhere in the car, even down to Sonic for lunch. She would pray that God would help her find her misplaced keys, or that her mower would start. I told her we shouldn't pray for such little things. She said God cares about every little thing we do and that we should pray. Well, God is my father in Heaven. I didn't need to know about every little boo boo my kids had or every time they lost a sock, or whatever. I try not to bother God about the "little" things. But there is one thing that I think is really big for 2010 that I want to ask God for. God, PLEASE heal our family relationships! PLEASE! J and I are trying so hard to do our part. A nudge to our family members from you in just the right direction would be such a blessing to us. Thank you. Amen.
I don't like to say that I am lucky to have J; I like to say that I am blessed. I never believed in luck, except for when playing a game or gambling. But does it mean that I was unblessed when I was without her for 23 years? A woman in Houston lost her house in a fire the other day, but said that God blessed her and her 3-yr-old grandson alerted her to the smoke and saved her life. Did God unbless her by her losing her house? People in car wrecks are always saying how "blessed" they are when they survive. What about the other people who didn't survive? Were they unblessed?
I had a friend who used to pray about EVERYTHING! She would always pray when we went anywhere in the car, even down to Sonic for lunch. She would pray that God would help her find her misplaced keys, or that her mower would start. I told her we shouldn't pray for such little things. She said God cares about every little thing we do and that we should pray. Well, God is my father in Heaven. I didn't need to know about every little boo boo my kids had or every time they lost a sock, or whatever. I try not to bother God about the "little" things. But there is one thing that I think is really big for 2010 that I want to ask God for. God, PLEASE heal our family relationships! PLEASE! J and I are trying so hard to do our part. A nudge to our family members from you in just the right direction would be such a blessing to us. Thank you. Amen.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
New Year's Eve
Well, we had to cancel the hotel reservations because J came down with a major sinus infection. She went to the doctor today. I hope she gets better soon. I hate to think of her sick over the holidays. What a drag for her.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Christmas Photos of My Girls
I love this girls so much. Why can't they see that? They are so beautiful. They are being so standoffish with me. Will they ever forgive me and move on? I wonder. I pray. Pray for the day when they will accept me for who I am and see that I didn't want to live a lie anymore. Would they rather I had stayed and continued my charade and possibly killed myself in the process? I know they feel that I deceived their dad when I married him and that I didn't love him at all. I loved him, but like a brother. It was never a romantic love; so, yes, I was deceitful. I was hoping my love would change with time, but it didn't. I was hoping that being married and being in a fundamental church would "cure" me, but it didn't. Now I know the truth. I didn't need a cure because there was never anything wrong with me in the first place.
Christmas 2009
I am sitting here in my new leopard print Snuggie that my sister-in-law gave me for Christmas. Nice.Here's a photo of our church decorated for Christmas. It looks like there's no one there. The photo was taken 30 minutes prior to the service when there were very few people there. It's the first time I have been to Christmas Eve service in at least 10 years. I had missed it so much. The pipe organ was lovely, and there was a flautist who played several carols along with the organ.
Our pastor was in ICU that night, so it was kind of sad. I started crying during Silent Night when they lit the candles, partly because I was so happy to be with J with her arm around me, and partly because I missed my kids.
After the service, J took me around looking at Christmas lights. We drove around the River Oaks Country Club and through Tanglewood. It was beautiful!
On Christmas morning I fixed her breakfast and we opened our stockings. Then we went our separate ways. :o( She to her mother's, me to my mom's and dad's. My family was friendly enough to me, but the girls always act so guarded when they are around me and my ex together. They never thanked me for any of their stocking stuffers or really for their gifts, either. At least I got a gift from them this year, a photo of them. I will post it in a bit.
Got home around 7:00 p.m., and J and I opened our gifts. She was way too generous with me this year: I got a Lampberge, a cutlery set, and a Bluetooth. Also, I got lots of candy and a Barnes and Noble gift card and a Catherine's gift card.
From me, J got: Two DS games, a jupiter jack, a Texas Longhorn necklace, a DVD, a bookmark, some insoles for her shoes, and some strawberry gummies.
J went out of town the day after Christmas, so I stayed home and cleaned the apartment, putting a lot of the gifts away. Guess we'll take the tree down after New Year's.
J's sister came over last night to exchange gifts with me. We went to Chacho's for margaritas and Mexican food. So good to have some family over.
For New Year's Eve, J is taking me to a hotel downtown, but she won't tell me which one or which restaurant we have reservations for. I CAN'T WAIT!!!
Two more days and I will have another 4 day weekend!
Well, if I don't check in beforehand, see you in 2010! I hope it's everyone's best year yet!
Friday, December 11, 2009
Love By Pilot Light
A week ago, December 4th, it SNOWED in Houston! Yeah, baby. So J got off work early and called the apartments to come light our fireplace. That is what we were told we had to do when we wanted a fire.
However, since it was snowing, the office closed early and she had to leave a message. I couldn't wait to get home to my love and snuggle in front of a romantic fire. When I got home, there sat J, with no fire, still in her work clothes waiting for someone to come light it.
Fast forward to Monday evening. It's around 60 degrees outside. The fireplace lighting call has all but been forgotten. I come home. After awhile, I walk past the fireplace and hear a hissing sound. And I see this:
I called J and she said to call the apartments; however, it was past office hours so I had to call the "emergency number." It was answered by an answering service operator."What is your emergency, ma'am?" she asked. "Well, Friday we asked for someone to light our fireplace, but no one came. Someone came into our apartment today when we weren't home and lit it." Then I lit into her. "And it's not even a fire! It's just a stupid little flame like a candle! I can't even see it unless I walked over to the fireplace and look in between the logs!" I was upset. "AND we don't know how to turn the thing off. No one ever told us how!" The fire was supposed to look like this:
Now, see, I'm from the old school, where we chopped our own wood for a fire. I have even chopped down trees to chop the wood for a fire. I have never had a gas fireplace.
Anyway, the office manager came to our door and told us that the "flame" was a pilot light which would stay lit all winter, and showed us the button to push - Presto! An actual fire! Push the button again - Presto! A pilot light.
What an idiot I am! But tonight we will enjoy our romantic fire together with no pilot light.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Tuesday's Loooong Meme
1. Who was the last person you kissed? J
2. Do you think you could forgive someone for cheating on you? No.
3. How long have you been in your current relationship? A year and a half
4. Do you still talk to the person who hurt you the most in life? No.
5. Who's the last person you sent a friend request to? I guess this means Facebook??? A girl from high school
6. Do you trust people easily? No.
7. Do you currently have a lot of drama in your life? No, not compared to last year.
8. Who's the last person you kissed on the cheek? My grandmother
9. Is anyone in your family a criminal? Yes, but he's dead.
10. Do you think you're attractive? Absolutely not!
11. Are you currently stressed out about anything? Always
12. Do you know anyone that's a stripper? No
13. Who's the most sarcastice person you know? J
14. Who was the last person you told to shut up. J, but in a joking sort of way. I don't like that expression.
15. What do you miss the most right now? J
16. What was the last thing you lied to your mother about? Drinking
17. Do you believe in giving second chances? Yes
18. Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? Yes.
19. Is anyone angry with you at the moment? Yes, my daughters.
20. What's the last song you heard? I Dreamed a Dream by Susan Boyle
21. Can you quote a song lyric from it? I Dreamed a Dream, ha ha.
22. Name a song that reminds you of a past relationship. Ding Dong the Witch is Dead
23. Is there anyone in this world you would do absolutely anything for? Yes, family and friends.
24. Do you still talk to any of your ex's? Yes.
25. Do you like the color of your eyes. Yes.
26. Who's the last person that sent you a message on myspace? No one sends me messages there.
27. How are you feeling right now? Freezing
28. Do you think anyone hates you? Yes
29. What do you think your last ex would say about you? I broke his heart and dreams.
30. When you say you love someone, do you mean it? Yes, but there are many different types of love.
31. Do you still talk to the first person you fell in love with? Every day!
32. What's one thing you recently learned? Where a Sonic is around here!
33. Are you going to have a baby by the time you're 18? That time has come and gone, and, no, I was 28.
34. Do you avoid certain people at school or work? No, not able to avoid anyone.
35. Does anyone like you right now that you know of? I hope so.
36. Would you ever fake your own death? No
37. Do you know anyone that was molested as a child? Yes
38. Have you ever kissed anyone that was the same sex as you? All the time!
39. Do you still want the last person that hurt you to have a happy life? Yes
41. Why did your last relationship end? Divorce, but it ended way before that.
42. What would make your life complete right now? If my kids and family would accept J.
43. Do people compliment you often? No.
44. What's one thing you like about the person you're thinking of right now? How beautiful she is
45. Are you talking to anyone right now? No
46. Do you have any friends that are pregnant? No
47. Are you in love with someone right now? J. This is getting redundant
48. What's the last thing you stole? Candy from an ice cream parlor.
49. What's a curse word you use often? Shit
50. Is a broken heart as bad as it sounds? Yes
51. Would you ever get plastic surgery? Yes
52. Have you ever ran away from home? Yes, and shouldn't that be "run"?
53. Do you know anyone that's ever been raped? Yes
54. Would you ever kill someone? Yes
55. Do you ever feel lonely? Yes
56. How long did it take you to get over your last heartbreak? 10 years
57. Have a lot of people betrayed you? No
58. Do you believe in God? Yes
59. Are you good at hiding your feelings? No
60. Do you tend to wear your heart out on your sleeve? Yes
61. How may unread messages are in your e-mail box? 2
62. Do you know anyone that looks up to you? Not anymore
63. Which one of your friends is always serious? None
64. Are there any people in your life that you wish you had never met? Yes
65. If you could get any tattoo, what would you get? J's name
66. Are you happy with the person you are? No, but I'm getting there.
67. Do people think you're a bad person? Yes
68. Do they also think that you're a slut? No, I hope not.
69. Are you with the last person you kissed? Yes, now I am. She just came in the door!
70. Have you ever wanted to just run away and start over? All the time
71. Have you ever been punched? ????
72. How many people do you know that have been in jail? One
73. Have you ever given out your cell number and then later regretted it? YES!
74. Was your last kiss a mistake? No
75. Are you a tease? Yes
76. Do you love your best friend? Yes
77. Do you find the opposite sex confusing? Yes
78. Do you usually end up losing in the game of love? I didn't this time!
79. What's one stereotype you think you fit perfectly into? Dumb blonde
80. Do you know anyone that sells drugs? No
81. Do you know anyone that does drugs? No
82. Do you care about what's happening in other countries? Yes
83. Do you get annoyed easily? Yes
84. Do you consider yourself high maintenance? No
85. Do you think you have a pretty good reputation? No.
86. Would you ever intentionally and physically hurt someone? If someone I knew was in danger, yes.
87. Would you rather date someone who sold drugs or used drugs? Neither
Man, that was long. Guess I have too much time on my hands. LOL J is home now! It's cold and raining outside, a perfect night to snuggle! It may rain here in Houston on Friday! Have a good night!
2. Do you think you could forgive someone for cheating on you? No.
3. How long have you been in your current relationship? A year and a half
4. Do you still talk to the person who hurt you the most in life? No.
5. Who's the last person you sent a friend request to? I guess this means Facebook??? A girl from high school
6. Do you trust people easily? No.
7. Do you currently have a lot of drama in your life? No, not compared to last year.
8. Who's the last person you kissed on the cheek? My grandmother
9. Is anyone in your family a criminal? Yes, but he's dead.
10. Do you think you're attractive? Absolutely not!
11. Are you currently stressed out about anything? Always
12. Do you know anyone that's a stripper? No
13. Who's the most sarcastice person you know? J
14. Who was the last person you told to shut up. J, but in a joking sort of way. I don't like that expression.
15. What do you miss the most right now? J
16. What was the last thing you lied to your mother about? Drinking
17. Do you believe in giving second chances? Yes
18. Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? Yes.
19. Is anyone angry with you at the moment? Yes, my daughters.
20. What's the last song you heard? I Dreamed a Dream by Susan Boyle
21. Can you quote a song lyric from it? I Dreamed a Dream, ha ha.
22. Name a song that reminds you of a past relationship. Ding Dong the Witch is Dead
23. Is there anyone in this world you would do absolutely anything for? Yes, family and friends.
24. Do you still talk to any of your ex's? Yes.
25. Do you like the color of your eyes. Yes.
26. Who's the last person that sent you a message on myspace? No one sends me messages there.
27. How are you feeling right now? Freezing
28. Do you think anyone hates you? Yes
29. What do you think your last ex would say about you? I broke his heart and dreams.
30. When you say you love someone, do you mean it? Yes, but there are many different types of love.
31. Do you still talk to the first person you fell in love with? Every day!
32. What's one thing you recently learned? Where a Sonic is around here!
33. Are you going to have a baby by the time you're 18? That time has come and gone, and, no, I was 28.
34. Do you avoid certain people at school or work? No, not able to avoid anyone.
35. Does anyone like you right now that you know of? I hope so.
36. Would you ever fake your own death? No
37. Do you know anyone that was molested as a child? Yes
38. Have you ever kissed anyone that was the same sex as you? All the time!
39. Do you still want the last person that hurt you to have a happy life? Yes
41. Why did your last relationship end? Divorce, but it ended way before that.
42. What would make your life complete right now? If my kids and family would accept J.
43. Do people compliment you often? No.
44. What's one thing you like about the person you're thinking of right now? How beautiful she is
45. Are you talking to anyone right now? No
46. Do you have any friends that are pregnant? No
47. Are you in love with someone right now? J. This is getting redundant
48. What's the last thing you stole? Candy from an ice cream parlor.
49. What's a curse word you use often? Shit
50. Is a broken heart as bad as it sounds? Yes
51. Would you ever get plastic surgery? Yes
52. Have you ever ran away from home? Yes, and shouldn't that be "run"?
53. Do you know anyone that's ever been raped? Yes
54. Would you ever kill someone? Yes
55. Do you ever feel lonely? Yes
56. How long did it take you to get over your last heartbreak? 10 years
57. Have a lot of people betrayed you? No
58. Do you believe in God? Yes
59. Are you good at hiding your feelings? No
60. Do you tend to wear your heart out on your sleeve? Yes
61. How may unread messages are in your e-mail box? 2
62. Do you know anyone that looks up to you? Not anymore
63. Which one of your friends is always serious? None
64. Are there any people in your life that you wish you had never met? Yes
65. If you could get any tattoo, what would you get? J's name
66. Are you happy with the person you are? No, but I'm getting there.
67. Do people think you're a bad person? Yes
68. Do they also think that you're a slut? No, I hope not.
69. Are you with the last person you kissed? Yes, now I am. She just came in the door!
70. Have you ever wanted to just run away and start over? All the time
71. Have you ever been punched? ????
72. How many people do you know that have been in jail? One
73. Have you ever given out your cell number and then later regretted it? YES!
74. Was your last kiss a mistake? No
75. Are you a tease? Yes
76. Do you love your best friend? Yes
77. Do you find the opposite sex confusing? Yes
78. Do you usually end up losing in the game of love? I didn't this time!
79. What's one stereotype you think you fit perfectly into? Dumb blonde
80. Do you know anyone that sells drugs? No
81. Do you know anyone that does drugs? No
82. Do you care about what's happening in other countries? Yes
83. Do you get annoyed easily? Yes
84. Do you consider yourself high maintenance? No
85. Do you think you have a pretty good reputation? No.
86. Would you ever intentionally and physically hurt someone? If someone I knew was in danger, yes.
87. Would you rather date someone who sold drugs or used drugs? Neither
Man, that was long. Guess I have too much time on my hands. LOL J is home now! It's cold and raining outside, a perfect night to snuggle! It may rain here in Houston on Friday! Have a good night!
Monday, November 30, 2009
Who I Was Born To Be
I am supposed to meet a friend in the very near future to "come out." But the thing is I don't want to tell her I'm "gay." I have always hated those words, "Gay, lesbian, homosexual," etc. I don't feel gay, whatever that is. I don't want that label. I have never felt "gay." All I know is that I am the woman who has always been in love with J, and that is who I was born to be.
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