Safety

An event at work on Monday got me thinking about safety. The mediation was almost finished, the case was being settled in favor of the plaintiff. Either my boss or his attorney said something that set him off. The plaintiff took out a large, what can be described as a hunting knife, put it up to his throat, and announced that he was going to kill himself. He also implied that he had a firearm attached to his leg.

This all took place in the back conference room, away from my sight. But, still, after it was over and done with, I was left feeling unsafe. I mean, what could have happened, the unthinkable - he could have tried to cut or shoot someone else. In fact, what's to keep him from coming back to the office some day and doing us all in? The security guards in our building do not carry weapons. We have to rely on faith that we are safe, but we may not be.

Public places, private places, does it really come down to luck, fate, what? I remember when the gunman in Killeen, Texas shot and killed people in a Luby's Cafeteria, whose only mistake was to choose one eating establishment over another. We lived in a very small town, and every time we would go into Luby's, I would sit where I could eye the front door, in case I needed to push my kids under the table. I eat there about once a month now, and still, to this day, feel a bit unsafe.

I look back on my life and cannot really ever feeling safe, ever. Even when I said I felt safe, I really didn't. I am not afraid to die, but I would like to take J with me wherever I go because with her is where I always want to be. Being tucked in her arms, close to her body, feeling her breathe in and out, hearing her heart beat is the closest thing to safety I have ever known.

I Heard It!

K19-soon-to-be-K20 is on her way to Uganda in about three hours. She will be gone two weeks. This is really scary for me.

I talked to her this morning when she was running last minute errands. Before I hung up, like I usually do, I said, "I love you, K." This time, for THE FIRST TIME since October of 2008, she answered back, "Love you." It was mumbled, I barely heard it, but I HEARD IT!

The Thing About Blackberries

So the touch screen on my LG phone died just in time, right when I qualified for a Blackberry. I am still learning about it. My 16-yr-old came over yesterday and helped me with it. Verizon won't let you get "free" ringtones, so she went to Myxer.com, downloaded the tones on to her phone and then texted the tones to me. How cool is that?

My favorite feature of the Blackberry is that I can now access Facebook without a browser. Yep. Anytime, anywhere. I can view my Facebook account while watching T.V., eating dinner, in church, while driving, or sitting on the pot. Isn't life wonderful?

I downloaded a few games, Word Mole, Slot Machines, Texas Hold'em, Blackjack, and Suduko. I also downloaded a few apps - one that helps me keep a running grocery list by aisle. You then click on the item and it puts it in your "cart." Okay, I admit it going to look foolish pushing a cart and typing on a Blackberry, but think of the paper I'll save with no paper list, AND I run no risk of leaving a ball point pen in my back pocket like I sometimes do! If J downloads the app, she can make her own separate list as she thinks of things throughout the week, and transfer it to my list.

On another note, J and I are joining the church today. I can't wait! I'm not too keen on standing up in front of people, but it only takes about 3 minutes. The coolest thing is that they are going to send a transfer letter to the church that excommunicated me! I think they should make a special letter in my case that informs my ex-church that, contrary to their beliefs, I AM NOT GOING TO HELL and that I have taken communion almost every week for a year and a half and haven't been struck by lightning once!

I have very mixed emotions this Father's Day. I love my dad and all but am angry at him and my mom right now for the way they treat me and J. I will go with gift in hand today, but I'm sorry to say that my heart just isn't in it. I plan to spend most of the time playing with my brother's dog, talking to my girls, and, of course, playing with my Blackberry in the bathroom

Real World

Well, I finally joined the real world and got a Blackberry. Now if I can just figure out how to keep it from waking us up at night notifying me of e-mails. It really wasn't necessary for the library to notify me at 3:00 a.m. that my book is due this Tuesday. The library employees are all in bed at that hour, no doubt. Dang computers.

Dear Blog

I haven't forgotten about you. My OCD is in full summer swing, so I am just takin' it easy today.

I Just Have To Ask..

What the hell does the song "A Horse With No Name" mean? You see, I've been through the desert on a horse with no name. It feels good to get out of the rain. In the desert you can't remember your name, cuz there ain't no one for to give you no pain. La la la la la la la....

And also this one: She's got a ticket to ride. She's got a ticket to ride. She's got a ticket to ride, and she don't care.

Just askin...

Almost Wordless Wednesday

Okay, I have missed two days of the challenge, so shoot me. I missed a day of the Activia challenge, as well. Guess I won't be able to get my money back.

It is pouring rain here and lightning, so I will not be able to write again today. At least I have a good excuse this time.

Until tomorrow, hopefully!

My Daughter's Observation

When I asked her if there were any boys she was interested in, she replied, "No. All the boys I know are either too feminine, too immature, or not boyfriend material." Hmmm. Ya think some of the boys in her theater group might be gay? Wonder how she will react when they come out? Will she think they are going to hell with her mother?

Wordless Wednesday

NaBloPoMo

CJ over at Don't Lick the Ferrets reminded me about NaBloPoMo, National Blogging Post Month, and that you get to pick your own month! So, like her, June is going to be my month! I will try to get everyone caught up on what J and I have been doing. Tomorrow's post will probably be even shorter than today's because I have to go school K16 after work. Hope some of you will join me for the challenge during the month of June! Until manana...

I Miss Her So Much!

How Long Has That Been There?

Well, it's Wordless Wednesday. Guess I'm not supposed to "talk", but, hey, get a post when you can, people.

I go through life day after day on autopilot (but I never realized how serious it was), it seems. Always asking my self the same question - How long has that been there? I was reminded of this today when I walked into the lobby of my office as I have done sleepily every weekday morning since last July. I went to flip the thermostat (which I'm not allowed to do according to building management, by the way), and noticed a rather large, spiky, potted plant below. How long has that plant been there, I asked myself. See photo of plant and thermostat above. Look how large that plant is, people! I have to practically fall over it to get to the thermostat! I think I am in serious trouble.

Why, just yesterday as I was exiting from our parking garage through the same exit gate I have used since November, I saw a sign with a happy face on it, attached to the gate, right in front of my car. It said "Have a nice day!" How long has that sign been there, I asked myself.

After the incident this morning (wow, two incidents two days in a row), I started to question my sanity, which I know J has questioned over and over again since we got back together. Even last night she made the remark, "You are so weird." I said, "Well, you love me, don't you?" She said, "Yeah, but you're still weird." Well, I think it's weird to love someone who is weird, so there.

At work I tend to be a pretty detailed person, or at least I thought so anyway. Everything on the tables have to be just so; same with my desk, same with the kitchen. My bosses tend to move things around; I notice and move them right back. On the other hand, there is an ugly painting on the wall behind me, usually left askew by the cleaning people every night. I NEVER notice this, but my boss always does. It simply doesn't bother me, but it's behind me. I don't have to look at it all the time. But the plant, the LARGE, spiky, potted one, there is no excuse for not seeing it. I look out over the lobby towards it. It is directly in my line of vision eight solid hours plus each day.

I used to think it was depression that made me this way. People could ask me, "How's the weather today?" and I absolutely could not tell them, even after having come in from outside. Sometimes I wonder how I drive a car to Tomball and back twice a week and not manage to drive off the road unintentonally. J would also question my driving abilities. No wonder I get lost everywhere I go, even to places I have been before. How do I function every day and keep a job with this kind of zoning out? Is this a medical condition? A mental disorder? A personality disorder? What?

You know that old saying,"You need to stop and smell the roses"? Well, I have never been a flower sniffer, but I think it's time I become one even though one rose smells the same as all the others to me. A few thorns on the nose will be worth practicing to become normal like the rest of you.

So, J, change something, move something, do something to test me and see if I notice. That is your assignment. And then, Babe, give me a hint, please!

Wordless Wednesday

14 Ways to Show Your Wife You Love Her

1. Wake her up on a Sunday morning with hugs and kisses.
2. Encourage her to play hookey.
3. Make love with her all morning and hold her while she sleeps afterwards.
4. Go to the grocery store for her.
5. Bring back comfort foods (roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob) that are definitely not on her diet.
6. Wash the dishes after lunch.
7. Cuddle on the couch and then present her with two chocolate covered glazed donuts; again, not on her diet but you don’t care if she gains a few pounds.
8. Take an afternoon nap with her, again, holding her in your arms.
9. Give her a hickey on her neck, making her feel like a giddy high school student.
10. Make her a pizza for dinner, again, not on her diet. You can see her belly literally growing right in front of you now, but it just means there’s more for you to jiggle with your hand.
11. Present her with a cold piece of chocolate cake with chocolate icing (no need to repeat the diet thing) while she watches the finale of the Celebrity Apprentice.
12. Wash the dinner dishes.
13. Tell her you think the book she is writing is worth working on.
14. Hold her in your arms, talking in her ear about how the two of you met, how you fell in love with her at first sight, and how you adore her, until she falls into a blissful sleep.
Thank you, J, for a wonderful Sunday I will NEVER forget! I felt like a queen! I love you!

Totally Out

I thought I'd mentioned it, but looking back, I didn't! I FINALLY came out to my maternal grandmother! She was the last to "know", even though - as I suspected - she knew. She says she doesn't understand it but still loves me.

Abandoned Memories

I found photos of the old and abandoned Castle Golf & Games aka Malibu Grand Prix. First Aquarena Springs, now this. What's next? This place holds special memories for me. It was one of the few places J and I used to go on what I would have called a "date." We would play Caterpillar, Frogger, and Starcastle. Later, we would play a round of putt-putt golf. I'm pretty sure J sneaked a kiss or two from me in that very gazebo. These pictures sadden me. I wish the places of our youth and early years together would just STAY THE SAME! Oh, well, time to make some new memories, I guess!

K16 in Cinderella

She danced soooo beautifully last night as a courtier. Wish I had one of her dancing with the prince. It was awesome!

Thou Shalt Not Love - Part 4

I am so sad that I taught my kids that the Bible is to be taken literally. It was written in a different time and place. The laws had to be different thousands of years ago. Just think how many of our laws in this country have changed in 200 + years? It goes without saying that we should be kind to our fellow man, help those who CANNOT help themselves, be honest, don't steal, don't hurt others. However, it's okay to steal if you're hungry, okay to take out an eye for an eye, okay to lie if it is for the greater good. Here are some more quotes from Thou Shalt Not Love.

Regarding the Bible being taken literally:

...in fact, the Southern Baptist church split from the American Baptists because the Southern Baptists asserted that slavery was indeed biblical and within God's will.

... The assumption that biblical truths are universally applicable ignore the variations and values of other cultures.

... The kosher food laws of Leviticus and Deuteronomy, for example, are meaningless in New Guinea or the Amazonian jungle, where many of the animals and foods mentioned do not exist.

What I want to know is where are the laws in the Bible that protect the manatee, the bald eagle? Where are the laws in the Bible that say you must have citizenship papers to cross over another country's border? Where are the laws against online bullies and computer hackers? Where are the laws against littering (one man's junk is another man's treasure) and making a right-hand turn at a no-turn on red light corner? Simple. These laws were not even needed back then. If the Bible is to be taken literally, then it must be more specific and not so general, not just some blanket statement of how things should be that covers everything yet not everything according to one's own interpretation. You interpret the Bible your way, and I'll interpret it mine. We might not get along fine, but it's our right and we should not be criticized or persecuted for it.

Thou Shalt Not Love - Part 3 or Jump, Monkey, Jump!

From the author:

So I came to think that perhaps God was not helping me change because he rejected me as a person. After all, evangelical leaders said thousands of homosexuals had changed their sexuality with God's help, yet God apparently was not helping me in those efforts.

I tried changing my sexuality so many times. I am ashamed of some of the things I did to try to change. I also went the evangelicals' way about it: through prayer, lots of Bible study (which is so confusing and contradicatory), even went to a "healer." My conclusion was that there was either something terribly wrong with me or God hated me so much that I was not worth curing. But on the other hand, I was always told that God doesn't make junk. He made me, so what did that make me?

One preacher on TV I can't stand right now is Ted Haggerty. He claims to be cured of his sexual orientation but admits he still has homosexual urges. Okay, how is that different? I liked the way he attempted to stand up for Jennifer Knapp the other night on Larry King in that we should not judge one another; God is the ultimate judge. But he still kept going back to how homosexuality is a sin. After reading Thou Shalt Not Love I no longer believe that it is. Yes, you can change the behavior but not the orientation. And if you change your behavior you will be miserable for the rest of your life because you will either 1) be alone the rest of your life and celibate, or 2)lie to others the rest of your life and be miserable because you are spending it with the wrong person. Personally, I think God wants me to be happy. I am his child. Don't we all want our children to be happy, fulfilled and with someone they love as long as that person is not hurting them?

I think Ted Haggerty is giving gay Christian men especially a false hope. It's not the homosexuality that binds you up and makes you feel trapped; it's the hiding from the homophobes.

Today is going to be a historic day for me. I am friending a person and it is going to out me to a lot of people I'm not sure I want outed to (parents of my ex-students). But the time has come! Everytime I come out, a monkey jumps off my back. One day I will be monkey free! (It was hard finding a jumping monkey photo!)