Thoughts and a Prayer

Today at work I was bending over to pick something up off the floor (okay, it was a Reese's wrapper, I admit it). I spotted something shiny on the floor wedged between my computer tower and my desk. I picked it up and found that it was my left earring. I NEVER look under my desk, never! How was it that I just happened to look down there and find that earring? So many things in my life have happened like that. For instance, why did I go pick up J and take her to Whataburger when I was 17? I hardly even knew her. I could have picked up any of my current friends; but, no, I picked J. Out of thousands of people at the Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion at a concert in July of 1993, how was it that J happened to be standing near me in a line for margaritas?

I don't like to say that I am lucky to have J; I like to say that I am blessed. I never believed in luck, except for when playing a game or gambling. But does it mean that I was unblessed when I was without her for 23 years? A woman in Houston lost her house in a fire the other day, but said that God blessed her and her 3-yr-old grandson alerted her to the smoke and saved her life. Did God unbless her by her losing her house? People in car wrecks are always saying how "blessed" they are when they survive. What about the other people who didn't survive? Were they unblessed?

I had a friend who used to pray about EVERYTHING! She would always pray when we went anywhere in the car, even down to Sonic for lunch. She would pray that God would help her find her misplaced keys, or that her mower would start. I told her we shouldn't pray for such little things. She said God cares about every little thing we do and that we should pray. Well, God is my father in Heaven. I didn't need to know about every little boo boo my kids had or every time they lost a sock, or whatever. I try not to bother God about the "little" things. But there is one thing that I think is really big for 2010 that I want to ask God for. God, PLEASE heal our family relationships! PLEASE! J and I are trying so hard to do our part. A nudge to our family members from you in just the right direction would be such a blessing to us. Thank you. Amen.

New Year's Eve

Well, we had to cancel the hotel reservations because J came down with a major sinus infection. She went to the doctor today. I hope she gets better soon. I hate to think of her sick over the holidays. What a drag for her.

Christmas Photos of My Girls

I love this girls so much. Why can't they see that? They are so beautiful. They are being so standoffish with me. Will they ever forgive me and move on? I wonder. I pray. Pray for the day when they will accept me for who I am and see that I didn't want to live a lie anymore. Would they rather I had stayed and continued my charade and possibly killed myself in the process? I know they feel that I deceived their dad when I married him and that I didn't love him at all. I loved him, but like a brother. It was never a romantic love; so, yes, I was deceitful. I was hoping my love would change with time, but it didn't. I was hoping that being married and being in a fundamental church would "cure" me, but it didn't. Now I know the truth. I didn't need a cure because there was never anything wrong with me in the first place.

Christmas 2009

I am sitting here in my new leopard print Snuggie that my sister-in-law gave me for Christmas. Nice.

Here's a photo of our church decorated for Christmas. It looks like there's no one there. The photo was taken 30 minutes prior to the service when there were very few people there. It's the first time I have been to Christmas Eve service in at least 10 years. I had missed it so much. The pipe organ was lovely, and there was a flautist who played several carols along with the organ.

Our pastor was in ICU that night, so it was kind of sad. I started crying during Silent Night when they lit the candles, partly because I was so happy to be with J with her arm around me, and partly because I missed my kids.

After the service, J took me around looking at Christmas lights. We drove around the River Oaks Country Club and through Tanglewood. It was beautiful!

On Christmas morning I fixed her breakfast and we opened our stockings. Then we went our separate ways. :o( She to her mother's, me to my mom's and dad's. My family was friendly enough to me, but the girls always act so guarded when they are around me and my ex together. They never thanked me for any of their stocking stuffers or really for their gifts, either. At least I got a gift from them this year, a photo of them. I will post it in a bit.

Got home around 7:00 p.m., and J and I opened our gifts. She was way too generous with me this year: I got a Lampberge, a cutlery set, and a Bluetooth. Also, I got lots of candy and a Barnes and Noble gift card and a Catherine's gift card.

From me, J got: Two DS games, a jupiter jack, a Texas Longhorn necklace, a DVD, a bookmark, some insoles for her shoes, and some strawberry gummies.

J went out of town the day after Christmas, so I stayed home and cleaned the apartment, putting a lot of the gifts away. Guess we'll take the tree down after New Year's.

J's sister came over last night to exchange gifts with me. We went to Chacho's for margaritas and Mexican food. So good to have some family over.

For New Year's Eve, J is taking me to a hotel downtown, but she won't tell me which one or which restaurant we have reservations for. I CAN'T WAIT!!!

Two more days and I will have another 4 day weekend!

Well, if I don't check in beforehand, see you in 2010! I hope it's everyone's best year yet!

Love By Pilot Light

A week ago, December 4th, it SNOWED in Houston! Yeah, baby. So J got off work early and called the apartments to come light our fireplace. That is what we were told we had to do when we wanted a fire.

However, since it was snowing, the office closed early and she had to leave a message. I couldn't wait to get home to my love and snuggle in front of a romantic fire. When I got home, there sat J, with no fire, still in her work clothes waiting for someone to come light it.

Fast forward to Monday evening. It's around 60 degrees outside. The fireplace lighting call has all but been forgotten. I come home. After awhile, I walk past the fireplace and hear a hissing sound. And I see this:

I called J and she said to call the apartments; however, it was past office hours so I had to call the "emergency number." It was answered by an answering service operator.

"What is your emergency, ma'am?" she asked. "Well, Friday we asked for someone to light our fireplace, but no one came. Someone came into our apartment today when we weren't home and lit it." Then I lit into her. "And it's not even a fire! It's just a stupid little flame like a candle! I can't even see it unless I walked over to the fireplace and look in between the logs!" I was upset. "AND we don't know how to turn the thing off. No one ever told us how!" The fire was supposed to look like this:

Now, see, I'm from the old school, where we chopped our own wood for a fire. I have even chopped down trees to chop the wood for a fire. I have never had a gas fireplace.

Anyway, the office manager came to our door and told us that the "flame" was a pilot light which would stay lit all winter, and showed us the button to push - Presto! An actual fire! Push the button again - Presto! A pilot light.

What an idiot I am! But tonight we will enjoy our romantic fire together with no pilot light.

Snow

We may get snow here in Houston today! If so, it will be the second year in a row!

Almost Wordless Wednesday

Tuesday's Loooong Meme

1. Who was the last person you kissed? J
2. Do you think you could forgive someone for cheating on you? No.
3. How long have you been in your current relationship? A year and a half
4. Do you still talk to the person who hurt you the most in life? No.
5. Who's the last person you sent a friend request to? I guess this means Facebook??? A girl from high school
6. Do you trust people easily? No.
7. Do you currently have a lot of drama in your life? No, not compared to last year.
8. Who's the last person you kissed on the cheek? My grandmother
9. Is anyone in your family a criminal? Yes, but he's dead.
10. Do you think you're attractive? Absolutely not!
11. Are you currently stressed out about anything? Always
12. Do you know anyone that's a stripper? No
13. Who's the most sarcastice person you know? J
14. Who was the last person you told to shut up. J, but in a joking sort of way. I don't like that expression.
15. What do you miss the most right now? J
16. What was the last thing you lied to your mother about? Drinking
17. Do you believe in giving second chances? Yes
18. Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? Yes.
19. Is anyone angry with you at the moment? Yes, my daughters.
20. What's the last song you heard? I Dreamed a Dream by Susan Boyle
21. Can you quote a song lyric from it? I Dreamed a Dream, ha ha.
22. Name a song that reminds you of a past relationship. Ding Dong the Witch is Dead
23. Is there anyone in this world you would do absolutely anything for? Yes, family and friends.
24. Do you still talk to any of your ex's? Yes.
25. Do you like the color of your eyes. Yes.
26. Who's the last person that sent you a message on myspace? No one sends me messages there.
27. How are you feeling right now? Freezing
28. Do you think anyone hates you? Yes
29. What do you think your last ex would say about you? I broke his heart and dreams.
30. When you say you love someone, do you mean it? Yes, but there are many different types of love.
31. Do you still talk to the first person you fell in love with? Every day!
32. What's one thing you recently learned? Where a Sonic is around here!
33. Are you going to have a baby by the time you're 18? That time has come and gone, and, no, I was 28.
34. Do you avoid certain people at school or work? No, not able to avoid anyone.
35. Does anyone like you right now that you know of? I hope so.
36. Would you ever fake your own death? No
37. Do you know anyone that was molested as a child? Yes
38. Have you ever kissed anyone that was the same sex as you? All the time!
39. Do you still want the last person that hurt you to have a happy life? Yes
41. Why did your last relationship end? Divorce, but it ended way before that.
42. What would make your life complete right now? If my kids and family would accept J.
43. Do people compliment you often? No.
44. What's one thing you like about the person you're thinking of right now? How beautiful she is
45. Are you talking to anyone right now? No
46. Do you have any friends that are pregnant? No
47. Are you in love with someone right now? J. This is getting redundant
48. What's the last thing you stole? Candy from an ice cream parlor.
49. What's a curse word you use often? Shit
50. Is a broken heart as bad as it sounds? Yes
51. Would you ever get plastic surgery? Yes
52. Have you ever ran away from home? Yes, and shouldn't that be "run"?
53. Do you know anyone that's ever been raped? Yes
54. Would you ever kill someone? Yes
55. Do you ever feel lonely? Yes
56. How long did it take you to get over your last heartbreak? 10 years
57. Have a lot of people betrayed you? No
58. Do you believe in God? Yes
59. Are you good at hiding your feelings? No
60. Do you tend to wear your heart out on your sleeve? Yes
61. How may unread messages are in your e-mail box? 2
62. Do you know anyone that looks up to you? Not anymore
63. Which one of your friends is always serious? None
64. Are there any people in your life that you wish you had never met? Yes
65. If you could get any tattoo, what would you get? J's name
66. Are you happy with the person you are? No, but I'm getting there.
67. Do people think you're a bad person? Yes
68. Do they also think that you're a slut? No, I hope not.
69. Are you with the last person you kissed? Yes, now I am. She just came in the door!
70. Have you ever wanted to just run away and start over? All the time
71. Have you ever been punched? ????
72. How many people do you know that have been in jail? One
73. Have you ever given out your cell number and then later regretted it? YES!
74. Was your last kiss a mistake? No
75. Are you a tease? Yes
76. Do you love your best friend? Yes
77. Do you find the opposite sex confusing? Yes
78. Do you usually end up losing in the game of love? I didn't this time!
79. What's one stereotype you think you fit perfectly into? Dumb blonde
80. Do you know anyone that sells drugs? No
81. Do you know anyone that does drugs? No
82. Do you care about what's happening in other countries? Yes
83. Do you get annoyed easily? Yes
84. Do you consider yourself high maintenance? No
85. Do you think you have a pretty good reputation? No.
86. Would you ever intentionally and physically hurt someone? If someone I knew was in danger, yes.
87. Would you rather date someone who sold drugs or used drugs? Neither

Man, that was long. Guess I have too much time on my hands. LOL J is home now! It's cold and raining outside, a perfect night to snuggle! It may rain here in Houston on Friday! Have a good night!

Who I Was Born To Be

I am supposed to meet a friend in the very near future to "come out." But the thing is I don't want to tell her I'm "gay." I have always hated those words, "Gay, lesbian, homosexual," etc. I don't feel gay, whatever that is. I don't want that label. I have never felt "gay." All I know is that I am the woman who has always been in love with J, and that is who I was born to be.

To Grumpny Granny regarding slideshow

I tried that. I don't get that option. Ugh!

Worthless News

I have so many books to read now. Usually, I am digging around trying to find something to read. Here is my list in order of reading material: Fannie Flagg - Can't Wait to Get to Heaven; Howie Mandel - Here's the Deal: Don't Touch Me; Lesbian Couples - not sure of the author's name; Reader's Digest December edition; Janet Evonovich's most recent number book - 15?

Hey, does anyone know how to take a slideshow and copy pictures from them individually? I was forwarded a slideshow that would make some AWESOME Wordless Wednesday photos, if I knew how to separate them. Or can you put a slide show on blogger?

Have a nice Sunday. I am worried that I am going to ruin ours with my OCD. I can't wait for another 4-day weekend. This one has been GREAT! (EXCEPT TODAY)

K19 and I at the Galleria

See what I want for Christmas? Of course, if I was hit from behind, I would be dead! I spent a wonderful evening with my daughter, K19! I showed her our condo, took her to dinner, and then we walked the Galleria, all 3 sections twice each. I was exhausted, but it was so worth it!

I think we may be possible hitting a turning point. She is contemplating moving out of her dad's house and moving in with my parents for awhile, just to get away and have some freedom. My ex is having difficulty cutting the strings.

She needs a change of town, scenery, job, etc. Looking at moving about an hour away to a junior college next year to give her even more independence.

Christmas Tree

Tonight Jand I put up our first Christmas tree since being back together. I told her something tonight I'm not sure she knew before - I haven't decorated a tree since I was a kid. I couldn't. I have a major phobia over Christmas trees, have since childhood. I had a traumatic experience near one. I can't go into places like Hobby Lobby or anything once their trees are up.

But because I love J so much, it was not as difficult to do as I thought it would be. Here you see the living room of our new place. I have hesitated to take photos because we don't have any of our pictures on the walls and still have some boxes laying around. But don't you love this room? To the right of the tree is a sliding glass door which takes you outside to a HUGE balcony. We can hear the church bells every quarter hour. Beautiful

You can also see an ornament on our tree. This photo was taken in a photo booth when we were about 17 or 18 years old. My goodness, how we have changed!

I am glad that Thanksgiving is over. We get to spend all day together tomorrow, most of Saturday, and all of Sunday together. Hopefully, we will be going back to church on Sunday. I miss it so much and want to make some friends there.

Thank you all for your kind comments over the past few weeks. Things are better here. My oldest daughter seemed more relaxed with me today, and on Saturday I am going to show her how to drive into Houston to where we live.

If you pray, please pray for K16, as she will be having an ultrasound on your stomach and pancreas this coming week and lotssss of bloodwork. She has quit her job because she keeps getting sick and her blood sugar keeps dropping. Her white blood count is also too high.

Tuesday

This has been a horrible week so far. I can't wait until Wednesday. That is all.

Anniversary!

Well, today is our anniverary, and I just wanted to show you what J got me! It's a charm bracelet from James Avery that tells the story of our love. From right to left: 1) a music note (We met in high school band) 2) dolphins (her nickname for me in college was Flipper) 3) A heart that says, "You are always in my heart." (because when we were apart for 23 years I was always in her heart, 4) a margarita glass to symbolzie our first date back together (she took me to Pappasito's).

I got J a watch with a french horn on the front of it, and her name is written above the french horn. I had it engraved on the back, and they spelled her name wrong on the back. They are supposed to send me a new one; but, still, it totally ruined the moment for me because now she can't wear it.

L's Grand Entrance

We had lunch with friends today at a Mexican restaurant. Our friend, L, made her grand entrance into the restaurant by knocking over this poor tree! Way to go, L!

My Health

Some of our friends have asked how I am doing. I have a little bit of time today, so I thought I would post what has been going on with my health.

I had my first breast surgery July 24th to remove a small tumor which the drs. seemed to think was benign. When I went in for followup, I was told that the tumor was very "unusual." It had a name, but you couldn't find more than a couple of sentences about it on the internet. Angiomyoepithelioma. Just to make sure, my dr. sent the biopsy slides to M.D. Anderson, about the best cancer center in the country. M.D. Anderson said that they suspected that all of the tumor may not have been removed and recommended that my dr. go back in and scrape the tissue further out.

So on August 31st, I went in for basically the exact same surgery. It was called a partial mastectomy so that the insurance would pay some of it. Well, unfortunately, I did a stupid thing and went back to work the next day. Wrong thing to do. I was miserable, and ended up losing skin on my breast, which was extremely painful. This time J and I were sent to a radiology oncologist who said that they could not tell me it was cancer; they could not tell me it was not cancer; they could not tell me I needed radiation or that I did not need radiation. It is our choice. No one seems to even have a name for what it was. It is not angiomyepithelioma after all. And it was not made of breast tissue. Instead, it was either made of bone, muscle or blood tissue, or a combination of them.

I was hoping that M.D. Anderson would want to track me for further research, but I guess they don't. Since radiation will be about $12,000 cash upfront from us and the "C" word has not actually been revealed to us, we are opting to do nothing at this time. We can only hope and pray that it does not come back. I am to have yearly mammograms and self exams and exams from the dr.

I am very angry right now about all the talk in the media about the new guidelines for getting mammograms. I know that mine was not found by a mammogram, but mammograms are much cheaper than the treatment for Stage 3 or 4 breast cancer. I know they are saying that the numbers say not many cancers are found in the early years, but if it is you or your sister or your daughter who moves to the latter stages because she couldn't get a mammogram in her 40s because her insurance company followed those guidelines, you would feel differently.

So now everyone knows - I don't have cancer, and I don't not have cancer. I don't like being on the fence, but it's better than being told you need chemo.

November 22, 1980

29 years ago this Sunday, at 5:45 in the morning, you asked me to marry you. I think it was a Sunday back then, too. We were so young, just 18. And yet, we knew. We knew that we were meant to be together for the rest of our lives.

Fear set in, and we were apart for over 20 years, but we found our way back to one another. I am so thankful to God that he put you back in my path, J. You have always had my heart; now you have me with you have me physically with you for the rest of your life.

We were wed again on March 1, 2009, this time in front of others; but the first time, November 22, 1980, will forever be "our anniversary" to me.

I love you, J.

Sunday Meme

PART ONE: Describe:

Your hair? Brown with blonde highlights

Your mother? Beautiful smile, always friendly, a great cook and hostess, never slows down, in denial

Your father? Tall, friendly, in love with my mom

Your favorite food? cheescake

Your dream last night? No dream last night. Too exhausted. Night before: I dreamed when J and I moved in to the condo it was a dorm. It was hot and humid, with water running on the floor like a small creek. There were two chihuahuas and four chinchillas living in the room that no one would claim. And a rabbit came out of the closet and peed on the carpet. J said, "So that's what that lemon smell of the cleaner is for!" (Our new condo smelled strongly of lemon cleaner when we moved in.)

Your favorite drink? A huge strawberry margarita with whipped cream.

Your dream/goal? To have a decent paying job that I love with lots of insurance, to become an activiely involved grandmother, to retire with J in the Texas hill country, to die before she does.

The room you are in? Ha ha. Our new "den/office." Stacks of empty boxes, a stack of computer boxes serving as a computer desk.

Your hobby? Don't have one at the moment. Going to start working on our wedding album that has been in the closet since March.

Your fear? Losing J

Your TV? Always on.

Your Pets? None, unfortunately.

Your Friends? Awesome people.

Your life? Getting better and sweeter every day!

Your mood? Restless. I should be unpacking.

If you're missing someone? My girls

Your best friend? J. She will always be the best friend I have ever known.

PART TWO: The Where's?

Where do you want to be in 6 years? With J traveling around and enjoying life.

Where were you last night? At home unpacking, then eating pizza, drinking wine, and playing Trivial Pursuit.

Where did you grow up? In Houston

On place that you go to over and over? San Marcos

Your favorite place to eat out? Pappasito's in Houston; Palmer's or Grin's in San Marcos.

Wish list items? Rosetta Stone Spanish Levels 3 & 4

Last time you laughed? A few minutes ago

Last time you cried? Yesterday as I was looking around our old apartment for the last time

PART THREE: The What's?

Something you aren't? Skinny

Last thing you did? Made lemonade

What are you wearing? T-Shirt and jeans

Something you're not wearing? Pantyhose

Your favorite store? I really love Barnes and Noble and Bed, Bath & Beyond! Does a new car dealership count as a store?