Vickie Shaw Again

OMG! Vickie's life is mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vickie Shaw

Last night J and I watched comedian Vickie Shaw for the first time; she was hysterical. Here is a clip about late-in-life lesbians. Vickie is featured at the very beginning, and then she and her partner and her kids are featured at the very end. Most of what she says and experienced is EXACTLY like I would describe myself and my feelings. This video has a great part about why commitment ceremonies are so important. I have never felt that I "needed" one to be happy, but I am sooo glad that we are going to have one! It will be the most amazing feeling to stand up and say outloud how I feel and have always felt about J.

Happy New Year!

J is sooo sweet. She doesn't want me to have to stand in line at the grocery store today. I offered to make her a special meal and her favorite dip to have with champagne tonight, but she just told me, no, she would rather I just made egg in a nests and we can have chips and salsa since we already have them. She doesn't seem to understand that I WANT to stand in line to get the things I need, but I guess I just want everything to be perfect for our first New Year's Eve together, and she says all she wants is me. Sniff sniff.

A Little Bit About J

I have about 20 minutes before I go meet J for lunch date #2 this week, so I thought I would take some time and tell you a little bit more about her.
For those of you who know J in person, you know that she is quite the charmer, always talking, always joking. It wasn't that way when we were younger, at least not when we were with other people. In high school, I was the one who played air guitar to My Sharona at Square Pan Pizza. She would never have done that back then. Of course, in college, we had practically no "friends" so we hardly ever went out with others, so I cannot really say. But just based on what I remember about her personality, she was pretty quiet around other people, but not around me alone. I know that probably shocks you if you know her now lol.

J would say that she is the butch/male (whatever the word) part of our relationship. But I see it almost as an insult to "label" her as such. To me, that means someone would look at her as "handsome," and I never think of her that way at all. I think of her as the woman that she is, the word "beautiful" describing her to me. She doesn't wear dresses, but she doesn't wear men's clothes, either. She would not agree with me, but she does have a femininity to her, especially when we are alone, and that's what I love about J. She does not pretend to be the tough guy. Oh, she has made it very clear that she wants to be my protector, take care of things, get up in the middle of the night to check out noises I hear, etc. But she has a definite softness about her that I absolutely love. I am not sure if others see it, but I sometimes hope they don't, that it is left just for me ha ha.

I guess we just don't fit the stereotypes that I read about so much. I do not want her to look or act like a man. I just want her to be herself, which is who I love and have always loved. Like Celie says in The Color Purple - I am drawn to her like a bee to honey. I always have been. I cannot wait until our first New Year's Eve together. And, yes, Leo, you are supposed to kiss someone at the stroke of midnight. I am sooooo glad that FINALLY I can kiss J! It has been a long wait.

Movie Scare

Yesterday, my daughters and I went to see Marley and Me. The theater was about half full. It was a good movie but such a tearjerker! We were about 3/4 the way through the movie (it was not a quiet scene, either), when we heard about three LOUD popping noises, sounded like they were coming from the other side of the wall to our right, and you could feel the seats shake a bit. There was about a ten-second pause and then more pops.

You think everyone in a movie theater is being quiet during a movie, but when this happened, you could FEEL the tension in the air. It was as people not only stopped talking but stopped breathing, as well. People were sitting straight up in their seats (you know how people seem to slouch during movies to relax), and I know that a lot of people were looking at the Exit signs because I was watching them. The man in front of us put his arm around his wife in a protecting sort of way. About 30 seconds after the second set of pops, a couple of people got up (one from each side) and went to the side exits towards the lobby. My youngest turned to me and said, "Mom, I don't like this. Something is wrong."

It turned out to be nothing, Thank God, but I have to admit that I was thinking to myself (and I missed a lot of the movie thinking), "I need to move my purse out of the way so that I can get these girls down on the floor between the seats." You know things are bad in your country when you automatically think the worse in situations like that, when a child opens the door for Santa Claus and gets shot in the face. It makes me realize that one can never be really prepared for anything like that. Yesterday, in Houston, Texas, at a public movie theater, there could have been another "shooting", and there wasn't anything anyone could have done about it.

Isn't that how life is anyway? Are we ever really prepared for anything that comes along? I thought I was "prepared" when I left my family. Now I am realizing that I left this, I left that, I didn't take care of this before I left, I didn't take care of that. J and I have been talking about the future. I keep stressing that we need to get "prepared" in case we die early on. She thinks we have plenty of time. What I need to realize is that even if we are prepared, there will always be something that wasn't taken care of; things will not go perfectly. One of my biggest fears is that I would be homeless; I'm not sure why that is. I guess because I am not sure of how the laws in this state work. J is self-sufficient without my income; I am not self-sufficient without hers at this time. It's just something scary that I need to let go of.

Well, I am meeting J in Houston at lunchtime, so I had better go get ready. I miss her sooo much when we are not together. I plan to see her everyday at lunch this week if I can.

Laundry

I did laundry today and found two of J's shirts and one pant leg of a pair of jeans INSIDE OUT, so ha ha, I am not the only one who does it!!! I must be a bad influence on her. Wonder when she will start leaving cabinet doors and drawers ajar? J's sister was thinking about coming over tonight if J gets back at a reasonable hour. I haven't seen her since around 1985! I went through the apartment and purged all Christmas-related items from view. We have waay too much candy right now and quite a few surplus candles (sorry, Sabrae). I love "regular" candles but am not much for the ones you have to add oil to. I do like Lambergers, though. Must go get one soon, maybe with one of my gift cards. Well, all for now.

Saturday after Christmas

Well, it is around hump day on my vacation, and I am feeling sad. J is out of town. She is so sweet, she just called me when she had a minute. That makes me feel soooo special. I miss her so much, and it's only been 3 hours. I am doing what I should not, of course, lying around and watching T.V. Trying to stay away from the refrigerator and the M & Ms. J says that we are going to get a Wii after the holidays. I cannot wait! I need to get this weight off. I wasn't even this heavy when I was pregnant.

I want to walk, but our track isn't paved. It's very uneven, and when I tried to walk on it, I only made it twice around; my feet were killing me. There are holes everywhere. There is a park close to work, but it seems like everytime I go by, it is getting dark or cloudy. Or I don't have tennis shoes on or the proper pants. I could change after work, I suppose, but that would take more time. The park closes at "sundown." I worry about getting locked in that place. A Wii would be great because we could use it around our time schedule. I worry about creating too much noise for our downstairs neighbors, though. What games do you like to play on the Wii? My daughter likes to play golf.

Last night didn't go so well at V's. She was not feeling well, so we had to call the night off after only an hour. Her dogs liked J, though, so I guess that means J has been accepted by V. LOL. On the way home, we stopped for a margarita, which I loved! We went to Pappasitos, which is where J took me on our first "date" when we saw each other for the first time after about 8 or 10 years. That date was soooo special to me, watching her order fajitas for two and shrimp diablo, talking about our early life together. Sitting there in that loud, busy, restaurant, the fajitas sizzling on the plate, all I could think about was, wow, I am really here with HER. The waiter obviously knows we're a couple, so do some people around us. And I don't really care! I just LOVE being her date! And I still love it when she takes me out! It has nothing to do with her spending money on me; it has something to do with being seen out with her, almost like people envy me being with her!

I think I hurt J's feelings last night when we were walking in the parking lot. I had my hand in her arm. Then a car came close to us, and I took my hand away. It is just instinct. I don't know what I think is going to happen if someone sees us touching. It didn't bother me at all when we were at a party with friends. I guess I'm afraid we're going to get arrested or something. Ha ha!

Speaking of getting arrested, quite a few months back on one of our dates, we were driving around looking for a place to be alone, if you know what I mean. We ended up in the community college back parking lot. We were there about a minute and things were progressing nicely (hey, things move quickly when you don't have that much time), when a school security guard drove up and shined his lights on us. We still laugh about that, but at the time, I wasn't too amused. Guess it's not as bad as the time my grandparents, YES, MY GRANDPARENTS, almost caught us in the shower together. We have had some close calls. Let me know about some of your close calls! LOL

There is a whole stack of DVDs sitting here that I could watch, but I don't want to watch them alone. Guess I'll go back and watch Caesar on Dog Whisperer or Michelle Duggar having her 18th baby. Tomorrow, hopefully, we will be going to check out a new church, and I will get to see a movie with my kids.

Day After Christmas

Well, today was kind of a lazy day. J and I got up and went to have my car washed. The interior really needed it. We went to Barnes and Noble so I could get her the first Janet Evanovich book. I always find those books to be fun to read before going to sleep at night. They are light and humorous. Then we went to Sweet Tomatoes and stuffed ourselves. Then we came home to nap. Tonight we are going to a friend of mine's house so she can meet J.

Tonight is going to be very important to me because V is only the second friend I have who supports my relationship with J. I used to talk to her about J years and years ago, about how much we had loved each other, how I still loved J, how I wish we had never parted. While J has introduced me to perhaps ten friends or so, this is only the second time for me, so I am pretty pumped! V is quite kooky, but she is a lot of fun to listen to, and the best part is that she is not judgmental. I don't remember what posessed me to come out to V all those years ago, but I am glad that I did. She has listened to my struggles over the past 2 1/2 years. And while she never cheered me on as far as leaving my famiy was concerned, she is very happy for J and I, especially that I can be myself for the first time in my life.

Christmas was pretty tense at my parents' house yesterday, but we made it through. J says it will get easier over time. I am already invited to my grandmother's house again. When I walked in the door, I hugged everyone except my mom; don't know why, I just couldn't do it. Then later, she was mashing potatoes in the kitchen, and I went in and hugged her and said, "I didn't hug you when I walked in." She kind of flinched. She changed the subject quickly, but she didn't flinch when I hugged her goodbye.

Well, here's the loot I got yesterday: From J: An Achmed the Dead Terrorist T-Shirt ( I Keeeeel You!) , a black leather jacket that I absolutely love (80 degree weather here, folks) , a pot to make chili and soup in (ha ha. I knew this blog was good for something!), Just Like Heaven and Kate & Leopold DVDs, a Dean Martin CD, and chocolate!; a Mamma Mia DVD from the girls, some gift cards from my parents and grandmother.

I gave J: a ferret calendar, an August Rush CD, a Dark Knight DVD, a windspinner (Texas Longhorns) that we can't figure out how to spin. She also got some CDs, another Dark Knight DVD, some gift cards, a key chain, and I am not sure all what else.

It was a GREAT first Christmas. We spent a lot of time during the holidays talking about life. It feels so good to be able to spend time together alone. I know, I know, we are home at night, but there is something better about having no time constraints, knowing we don't have to be anywhere by a certain time, or go to sleep knowing that we have to go to work in the morning.

J is going out of town tomorrow, and I am really bummed, but she will be home tomorrow night!!!

Well, I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas! Some of you who read this blog but don't belong to Blogger, you can still comment.

Merry Christmas!

I have been home all day, anxiously awaiting for J to get home! Tonight I am making whole wheat pizza from scratch! This will be our first Christmas together, and I am very excited about it, a bit nervous. I know it will be memorable. J just called and told me that her boss is letting her leave early! Woohoo!

Honey, I know you are reading this in the car when you're not supposed to be. I love you with all my heart! You are the most beautiful, most loving person I know. I am so blessed to be with you again! DON'T SPEED trying to get home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Childhood Memories

I was thinking this morning -- and I don't know what got me to thinking this early -- my ex asked me how long ago did I realize that I was gay? I told him around the age of twelve. Well, actually, I think it must have been sooner. Heck, it goes all the way back to Andrea in fourth grade or Daphne in kindergarten. See, these were girls we used to call "tomboys." Now, I know what you're thinking, tomboys don't always turn out to be gay, but in this case, they did. I used to watch Andrea beat all the boys in the class in races, and Daphne taught me how to climb a tree for the first time, how to catch a crawdad (or, actually, watch her catch a crawdad) and how to climb on top of the school roof and not get caught. She was ALWAYS in trouble.

I used to watch these girls. I was always the best friend. And while, of course, I was not in love with them -- I wouldn't even go as far to say that they were crushes, just friendships -- these girls prepared me for love and life with J. You see, they are the ones that I became comfortable around, me doing the "girlie" things like spreading the peanut butter, them doing the "boyish" things like squashing the bugs. For some reason, just today, I remember being so at home in that role and letting them be comfortable in theirs. I didn't have to listen to them (like my other friends) talk about boys or their hair or what shoes went with which dress (they didn't wear dresses ha!). If they had not come into my lives, would I have turned out gay? J thinks we are born this way. The farther I go back in time in my mind, the more I tend to agree with her. A lot of times I think about certain students that I taught in first grade and about their roles in their friendships, and I wonder if they may be gay, first grade, mind you!

So, yeah, well, next time this issue comes up with my mother, I will have to honestly say, "Mom, I think I have been gay since kindergarten." You may wonder why it is so important to me. Well, the time and age has always been important to me. It's like a victory when I finally figure it out. I mean, it REALLY bothered me when I couldn't remember if I was 12 or 13 when my grandfather started with me. 13, for some reason, was NOT OKAY. I was older then, a teenager, even. I should have known better (and I did). But 12, well, that was still innocence. If it happened when I was 12, then I could handle that. Turns out, I do now remember a couple of incidences when I was 12. I bookmarked them in my mind because I was 12 when I got my contact lenses, and I remember having contacts during this time. Sorry about the bunny trail. So now I can say "kindergarten." Wow! It's like a coat of armor, protecting me from all the mean, self-righteous people I will come in contact with in 2009. It gives me strength; it gives me power. It puts the blame on no one, and it answers so many questions about my life. It doesn't tell me why I fell in love with J (I think that is simply fate of the gods), but it does explain a lot about how I see my role in this relationship, why I let her drive us everywhere (she says it's her job), open doors for me (again, her job), buy me flowers (hmm, her job) -- do we see a pattern here? -- why I love to cook the meals, clean the apt (which I am behind in doing), light the candles, and wear the makeup.

So I just want to say "thank you" to Daphne and Andrea and a couple of others along the way. Andrea is now a very successful police officer, and Daphne, well, she is always in all kinds of trouble. Hmmmm, wonder if they can say "thank you" to me, too?

Monday

I'm off of work, have a lot to do, but am home. I'm not really sick sick, but I didn't get much sleep last night. Can't get rid of this cough. Kept J up all night coughing, and she had to go to work. I feel terrible for her. Well, at least she gets to go visit her friends today at lunch; that will be fun for her.

This week we are having:

Monday: chicken and rice
Tuesday: pork chops
Wednesday: homemade pizza
Thursday: Christmas with our families
Friday: leftovers (lol)

If anyone else wants to let me know what they are having, maybe it will inspire me to cook something new. Right now I am not being very creative in the cooking department. I need to make soup. I am hoping (hint, hint) that there is a soup pot in one of my packages. Or a crockpot. Love ya, J! Can't wait until you get home. (You guys know that she checks this blog everyday when she is sitting in Houston traffic.) I thinks she likes to read about how madly in love with her I am!

I Always Manage to Embarrass Myself

J is always commenting about how "cute" I am when I do stupid things, like the way I ALWAYS leave drawers and the medicine cabinet open. I can never seem to close them all the way. Or how I irritate her because I take my clothes off inside out. She does the laundry and has, quite simply, stopped turning them right side out for me; I have to do it for myself, sigh.

Today, like all the others, I showed my blonde side. We have an island in the kitchen with four cabinets and two drawers. I was looking for a certain pan and opened the left cabinet. I saw our Pampered Chef pizza stone still in its box. No pan in there. Went to the other side of the island and opened up the right cabinet, lo and behold, another Pampered Chef pizza stone! Went BACK to the original cabinet (just to double check) -- yep, there's a pizza stone still in the box. I went in the bathroom and yelled to J in the shower, "Hey, why do we have two Pampered Chef pizza stones?" She yelled back, "I have no idea what you are talking about!" Okay, go ahead and laugh, I had just gotten out of bed, you know. There is ONE pizza stone, but the cabinet opens on both sides of the island! These are the kinds of embarrassing moments I have. When I have one, I do it right!

Today, at my local Borders bookstore, after I huffed and puffed myself to the half-way landing of the stairs, I was met by a book about being fit and in shape. Ugh! Don't remind me!

To Rebecca below, no, my girls have not been given my blog site. They are not ready for that, believe me. Maybe someday, though. They do not want me to mention J's name, much less read about her.

J is at her family's Christmas today, so I took the opportunity to wrap all my gifts. Now, I'm going to go curl up on the couch, watch Monk (my favorite), and anxiously await for J to come home!

Daughters

These are pics of my daughters. They are both trying sooo hard to be strong right now through the holidays. I wonder if they know how much I miss them and love them? I wonder if they will ever understand that the choice I made, I made BECAUSE I love them so much? I doubt it. I am proud of them for continuing with their lives in a fairly normal way; they both have jobs, go to school, have lots of friends and activities. I was afraid that they would turn inward and crash, but so far, they are doing pretty much what they would be doing if I were there. They have leaned on friends, their dad, and each other. And, of course, they have God to lean on. Well, I just thought I would share their pictures with you! These were taken about a year ago, so they have matured quite a bit since then.

Thursday Thoughts

Well, one of my student's dad (is that how you say it) came home today from Iraq for a visit. Her mom dropped her off this a.m. and said, "I'm going home to take a shower and pick up hubby at airport. I will bring him by later to see (the daughter)." My first thought was, if my spouse were coming home after a long stint in Iraq, we would not make it to the school at all! When the couple show up a few hours later, the mom has on a TIGHT cotton top with her boobs hanging out. Now, why is it we always think we should wear our boobs hanging out for our spouses? LOL This lady usually wears loose fitting t-shirts. Ha ha. I just thought it was funny and VERY obvious.

Today was very difficult to get through; I feel like crap. I am coming down with something. Not happy about that at all because I was going to make bread all weekend! And call me stupid, but I have been smelling gasoline all day. I have washed my hands over and over but still smell it, and I haven't even been near gasoline in about a week.

Saw in the news that it was really snowing in Las Vegas. I wish it would do that on March 1st! As of right now we have about 8 or 9 people going with us!

Christmas

Well, it looks like I am invited to my parents' house on Christmas Day after all. I don't know that I will be there for gift opening (that usually happens at 11:00 a.m, and I am invited for dinner at 2:00), but at least I am invited! My mother actually CALLED ME to invite me. Things are looking up. Okay, so I know I will not be sitting near my ex this year at the table, so where will I be told to sit? (Yes, there is always a seating arrangement). My mom said she is inviting some neighbors who don't have a place to go, so I am thinking that maybe we should not sit at the table at all. There would be too many anyway. I am wondering if we will say "THE PRAYER." It is a custom for us at the table. I am wondering if my dad will cry; he often does when something traumatic has happened during the year. I am going to make a special effort to look happy. Well, what am I saying? I WILL be happy to be with my kids! I will miss spending Christmas morning with them when they check their stockings, but at least I will see them!

J and I may spend Christmas a.m. opening gifts, etc. I think I will make her a special breakfast. I already have something in mind. Then when I come home later that evening, we can spend some more time together. She will be at her mom's while I am at my parents'.

Friday night I am supposed to take my 18-yr-old out to dinner. Wish me luck. She doesn't talk much in the first place, so this should be quite interesting. I thought that after dinner, if she has some shopping to do, I could take her to the mall. However, the mall is too closeby where we used to live. I am trying to stay away from places people I know might run into. My youngest and I ran into two women from the church the other night. They talked and talked to her, but only said "hi" to me.

Well, I have to go now. The apartment needs a good cleaning. I notice that it is now starting to appear a bit cluttered since we have been her a couple of months. I need to try to keep on top of that. I was thinking to myself a few weeks ago, "Man, we sure are neater than we were in college!" But now I look around and realize that there are many things that could be put away. I need to buy more hangers. I cannot stand the closet looking like it does with our clothes stacked on the shelves.

Second Guessing Grandma

If you have 9 minutes and 38 seconds to spare, watch this video. It is how I hope the story will end with my own grandmother.

Photo Time

Here we are at the party last Wednesday night. Don't we look happy????? FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a Dog Eat Dog World

I stayed home from work on Friday; I was just too stressed about the church letter and all. J stayed home with me so that I wouldn't stay in bed all day. I tend to do that when I get depressed. I called in and said that I had a family emergency. Today I went back to work and, surprise, my assistant wasn't there. Guess why? She was having family problems. She wanted to talk to me, so I called her. I am starting to feel like the school psychologist. She doesn't want to disappoint me. She and her mom had a fight; she has nowhere to live after January. She is afraid that I am mad at her. I told her that I was glad that she did not come in today; I don't want her to be around the kids when she is stressed, they can feel that. I want my students to be happy and relaxed. Then another assistant started to get a little "clingy." I don't want to be "mom" to these 20, 22-yr-olds, but I guess I will have to be. They are so young, have no idea what they want to be when they "grow up."

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if everyone at work knew about all I have been going through since the second week I started working there, October 14th. I have left my husband, left my two kids, been basically excommunicated from my parents and my brother, been kicked out of my church and told I am going to hell, etc., etc. It makes me wonder how I come in to work everyday with a smile on my face, telling the kids what a good job they are doing, high fiving them when they sound out a word for the first time or discover that an isosceles triangle has two sides that are the same.

It reminds me of 1992, when I was "functioning" as a Montessori elementary teacher on the outside but literally drowning on the inside. And you know what hurts the most? That I cannot express to the people that I love how absolutely thrilled I am to have the love of my life back, the one I greet at the door every evening. The one whose ring I wear with pride, even though no one has a clue who let me wear it. I feel like I am being eaten alive from the inside because I am not allowed to express my feelings or mention her name to anyone.

Wrinkles

I woke up one day and looked in the mirror and realized for the first time, I have my grandmother's neck. Not the neck of her youth, but her old woman neck. Today I put on flip flops for the first time in weeks. I looked at my feet. Wrinkles, lines, veins. I have had a pedicure recently. It's not dryness or anything, it is age.

And I look at my face and think, we live in a humid climate; hopefully, I will age well. But my grandmother lives here, and she did not.

I have told J that I want to have some "work" done, especially around the eyes or maybe some Botox. Not anytime soon, but later on. She says no. It scares me because I don 't want her to wake up one morning next to me and see an old woman. I don't know when that is going to happen, 10 years, 20 years, but it scares. the. hell. out. of. me. Not that she would dump me and go for a younger package, but just the thought of her thinking of me as old. I suppose I could go behind her back and stop someday on my way home from work for a Botox treatment, but I could never do that. It's such a Catch 22. She wants me to feel "good" about myself, but when I look in the mirror right now, I don't. Sometimes I feel like one big sagging wrinkle.

I took the gray out of my hair two months ago, but J probably could have cared less if I did it. She probably never will color her hair, and I admire her for that. But right now when I look at my hands and my feet and my face and the rest of my body, I wonder, "When did I start aging? It really snuck up on me. It really sucks."

I have always loved J's hands. When I was 17, I used to watch her put her car in gear with her hands. I loved watching her do that. Or throw dice when we played backgammon, or put butter on her food. I still love to watch her hands. They have aged a bit, but they are still so beautiful to me, the way they look, the way they move. Watching her "flip" her T-shirt before she puts it on, watching her get the water out of her hair with a towel, watching her stir something in the kitchen (which she does rarely, ha ha). I'm not sure she realizes how much I watch her hands. I know it sounds silly, but I become mesmorized with her hands, aged or not. Even the way she changes channels on the remote control or signs her signature for a credit card purchase. I almost look forward to the moment when she pays for dinner. Okay, I guess I have an obsession with her hands, but the point is that, even if her hands have aged a bit, they are still beautiful to me. Every spot or freckle that is new since I was with her before catches my attention, draws me closer to her, wanting to know her more, wanting to make up for all the years that we lost. Where was I when those spots on her hands appeared? From now on I plan to study her hands every day. From now on I won't miss a single aging moment.

Last Night

I got to see 15-year-old again yesteday, yea! I picked her up after her theater rehearsal in the Woodlands. We went to Walmart, then to the mall to shop for an outfit for her dance next week. Then after dark, we took the water taxi pictured here for a 45-minute ride to look at the Christmas lights. It was extremely cold and windy on the boat. She wanted my arms around her. It felt so good to hold her, kiss her forehead, tell her I love her.

Finally talked to my grandmother in Florida today after 9 weeks. It was so good to hear her voice and that her cat is still alive. She would be so depressed if anything every happened to her. I told her I saw my mother Friday night. She said my mother never even mentioned seeing me. Now, I tell everyone I know when I get to see my kid. Seems like it ought to be a tad bit important to share that she had finally seen me with her own mother.

I said something to J during my phone conversation. My grandmother said, "Are you still rooming with your friend?" I said, "Yes." She said, "Do I know her?" I said, "No." She said, "Is that who you were talking to?" Soooo she knows that I am living with someone and probably that it is a woman. Hmmmm. J thinks she can put two and two together. I think she's right. My grandmother may be a lot of things, but she is not stupid. Oh, well, I will tell her eventually; it is just going to take some time. When we were hanging up she said, "Don't you ever doubt that I love you." Sigh.

Church Mail

Okay. The letter from the church basically said (per J), that I should repent or go to hell, that I am basically kicked out of the church, that I should reconcile my family. J will not let me read the letter. My grandmother's letter was positive in the fact that she wants to hear from me, but she obviously has not been told why I left. She said she doesn't want to know but that she still loves me. She can't imagine what would make me leave the girls but to not let him have everything after 19 years of marriage. All for now.

Mail

Today I ran to the mailbox to beat J there. There is a CD of pics coming in the mail that I don't want her to get her eyes on. No CD, darn it. But I got two pieces of mail, one from my grandmother in Florida who I have not spoken to in over two months and one from my "church." I can't open either one. J is going to have to do it. What in the world could my church have to say that I want to hear? I already got a call from one of the elders telling me that the church does not approve of my lifestyle choice, but that we are all sinners and can be forgiven.

My grandmother would not have taken the time to write, I don't think, unless she is wanting to talk to me. I was closer to her than to my own mother. I called her once or twice a week before J and I got back together. I have sent her cards telling her how much I miss her. I have left messages on her answering machine on her Bingo nights. But for some reason I simply cannot hear her voice. Being a disappointment to her will crush me. Pray that the contents of her letter are good, please. At this point, I don't even know how much she knows.

Shasta

I don't know what possessed us (probably my desire to have children ha ha), but our second year in college, as if we didn't have enough to do and take care of, J and I made a decision to buy a ferret, a sable one, similar to the one in the picture. We named her Shasta, because on the ride home from San Antonio to get her, she drank soda out of my hand. I have many memories of this animal, some hysterical, some not so funny. I remember how we used to set her on the dashboard of the car, and she used to "chase" the windshield wipers and how people in other cars would stare at us because they had no clue what that animal in the window could be. We used to stop at rest areas and show her off. Many people had never heard of a ferret before. She used to jump up and catch the curly telephone cord in her teeth and hang on for dear life as she bounced up and down in the air. She would push aerosol can lids all over the kitchen floor with her nose like a hockey puck. She would bounce around the room and chatter at us when she was playing or angry. One thing she never was was affectionate. We bought her from a breeder, and in those days you were expected to hand tame your ferret yourself without training. There really were not even any ferret books to refer to. She would bite us sometimes and draw blood, and almost always would bite strangers.

I remember one night, J and I went to the HEB (I may have posted this before) and bought two items: one bottle of pink champagne and a banana. It wasn't until we were standing in the checkout line that we figured out how obscene we probably looked. The banana was for the ferret. She would eat the banana so that we could keep her still long enough to clip her nails.

Or there is the time that she was spending an incredible amount of time in our closet, sleeping in the bag of stuffed animals. One night I heard scratching in the closet, and Shasta was NOT in there. I don't think J believed me. Fast forward a few days, and we BOTH heard the scratching! Again, Shasta was NOT in there. We opened the closet door, and hanging upside down from one of the clothes hangers was a baby possum. I think I almost peed in my pants. I swear that thing hissed at me. Shasta had been hanging out in the closet with the possum.

So we (probably J) goes next door (we are out in the country and neighbors are a bunch of rednecks) and gets the neighbor, who probably wanted to bring his gun. He ended up chasing the possum all over our trailer. It went up and down the legs of our kitchen table at one point, did its fake fainting froth at the mouth routine. He ended up beating it to death with a stick. Now, ferrets, at that time at least, were not allowed to get rabies shots so that's why we had the possum killed. We had to send "the body" to a university for rabies testing, but this was a Friday night, and my parents were coming the next day. What to do with "the body"? We put it in the freezer, of course, and I was just praying that my parents would have no reason to enter said freezer.

When Shasta was about six months old, she went into heat, which is unusual for a ferret. But we found out later that when a ferret's days become longer than its nights, it goes into heat. We had been keeping a light on her cage all this time to keep her warm at night, so she was fooled into going into heat. Ferrets can get cancer if they are not bred after going into heat, so we decided to get her spayed. We drove all the way to San Antonio to one of the only vets who would spay ferrets, dropped her off, picked her up the next day. About five days later, it was time to get her stitches out, and for some reason it appeared that she was in heat again. Drove all the way back to San Antonio. I will never forget the lady saying, "Is this the ferret that we spayed or descented?" We said, "spayed." She said, "Then why are this ferret's stitches in her butt?" Oh, man... they had descented her, not spayed her. So we go through this whole thing about how she was supposed to be spayed, not descented, and we are college students and don't have the money to spay her, plus it was THEIR fault, and she would have to go under anaesthesia again, poor thing, and that they should spay her for free. Well, that vet knew that he was about the only vet around for a long distance who even spayed ferrets, so he made us pay half of the spaying. We probably had to borrow that money or eat very little for awhile. Anyway, it all worked out in the "end." Ha ha.

Snow

It snowed here in Houston yesterday and quite a bit. When we were leaving the restaurant last night, waiting for the valet parking,the snow was really coming down! I whispered to J in her ear, "Isn't this romantic?" She said, "Yes," and I wanted to take her arm so badly as we waited for the attendant to bring the car around.

During the party, J did manage to put her arm around me a few times. The room was quite dark, but I'm pretty sure a few of her friends noticed. It felt good to be recognized as being with her. There were a couple of jealous moments for me at the table, but later last night, as I was watching her fall asleep, I said to myself, "I'm so glad you came home with me."

Brainwashing

Everyday as a teacher I am faced with the innocence of a child. Today when C labeled our Statue of Liberty figurine "statchoo" or when S told me I can be her mommy at school, I remembered how innocent children really are. Hearing my students debate the reality of Santa Claus, ghosts, how much a polar bear really weighs, I realize that kids believe what is fed to them, whether it be from the media, books, peers, or their parents. What determines which resource they believe? Whichever one is pounded more into their heads.

I remember when I was in about sixth grade, my mom told me about how some girls try to kiss girls, and that this was not okay. Did I believe her? I kissed J six years later. Why did I go against what my mother stated? It was never really discussed in our church, and my mom only mentioned it that one time, I think because I was extremely close to one of my elementary teachers, even up until her death when I was in college. This time with my mother was the only time I ever remember it mentioned in my whole growing up.

My kids are having a TERRIBLE time accepting that I am with a woman. From the way their therapist describes it, it is not so much the idea that I left them, but that I left them to be with a woman sexually, which is totally opposite of the way their dad and I raised them. In their church it is openly discussed. Homosexuality is considered a sin right along with debauchery, promiscuity, etc. I realize that I have contributed to the brainwashing of my children. Somehow, some way, I wish I could shake it out of my kids and tell them, "Wake up! I am who I am. I have fought this harder than anyone. Do you think I really want to be looked down on by my friends and family? Do you really think I CHOSE my sexual orientation? Can't you stop and look at me as a person, rather than as a freak? Can you just for one second tell me that you accept me for who I really am and not for who you think or wish I was?" But the stage has already been set, and I helped set it. I was trying so hard to hide my feelings for J, that I purposely surrendered my children to a belief system that I myself could not uphold. And that is very sad. I think that is worse than anything I could have possibly done for them. I pray to God that somehow I or someone else will come alongside and undo the damage. They are good kids, polite kids. They would never say anything derogatory to someone's face. But I don't want them to believe that they or their beliefs are better than anyone else's. Their dad has told them that I made a choice and it is up to them to accept it. I pray that they will. My biggest fantasy is that one day they will want to meet J, have a friendly relationship with her, and realize how happy I am to finally be with her. I know that if they had met her some other way, they would have really liked her and enjoyed her company. They like many of the same kinds of movies, music, etc.

On a happier note, I spent a few hours with my 15-yr-old last night. Had an expensive dinner (at least for us). She talked and talked all about her life, her joys, her struggles, her future plans. The 18-yr-old actually came out to the car, and I was able to hug her. I told them both how beautiful they were and how much I had missed them and how much I love them. It had been over 2 months since the day I left them sleeping in their beds around 7:oo a.m. Bawling on the way out the front door, I remember telling myself to not look back, that I was doing the right thing. And as hard as it is to admit to myself, I did the right thing, for my husband, my kids, and myself. Now the "secret" is out, and I am living honestly for the first time in my entire life.

Tuesday Morning

It's Tuesday morning, and J just left. She spoke about six words to me. That means she's a) very tired, or b) upset with me. Not a good way to start a day. At school, Tuesdays are okay because the kids were back yesterday from the weekend and got most of their weekend stories out. Like, we will all be sitting around on the floor, and I'll be reading to them, everything is serene, right at the climax of the chapter, and someone will raise their hand. Now, usually, I ignore the hand raiser, but this little girl looks so anxious, like she's going to have an accident in mid-sentence, so I call on her. "Ms. B, my dog got a new toy yesterday." Well, I just lose it inside (not on the outside). I mean, how can you interrupt the climax of The Trumpet of the Swan? Is Serena going to get her wing clipped? Are Louis and Serena actually considering donating one of their cygnets to the Philadelphia Zoo? I feel that I am pretty patient with these kids, but when one of the boys picked the picnic table up off the ground during snack time yesterday, I wasn't too nice. "You have now lost your play time," I say to him. Now, he is crying, and I am the meanest lady on the planet. Well, right now, I feel like I am the meanest lady in the apartment, too, because I don't know what I did wrong. Guess I'll find out after she reads this blog. Love ya, sweetie.

The Color of My Rainbow

Your rainbow is strongly shaded white.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is says about you: You are a contemplative person. You appreciate quiet moments. People depend on you to make them feel secure.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

Monday

What are the possible side effects of zolpidem (Ambien) ?

Zolpidem may cause a severe allergic reaction. Stop taking zolpidem and get emergency medical help if you have any of these signs of an allergic reaction: hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat.

Stop using zolpidem and call your doctor at once if you have any of these serious side effects:
worsening sleep problems;
depressed mood, thoughts of hurting yourself;
unusual risk-taking behavior, decreased inhibitions, no fear of danger;
aggression, feeling agitated;
hallucinations, confusion, loss of personality.
Continue taking zolpidem and talk to your doctor if you have any of these less serious side effects:
daytime drowsiness, dizziness, weakness, feeling "drugged" or light-headed;
weakness, lack of coordination;
amnesia, forgetfulness;
vivid or abnormal dreams;
diarrhea, nausea, vomiting;
headache, muscle pain; or
blurred vision.
Side effects other than those listed here may also occur. Talk to your doctor about any side effect that seems unusual or that is especially bothersome.

Well, it's Monday, my least favorite day of the week. And I hate mornings. Last night I had my first hallucination, we're thinking from the Ambien I am taking. I kept trying to get up out of bed to go check it out, but J wouldn't let me cuz she said it wasn't there. It may be time to go back on Lunesta. If you take sleeping medication, which kind do you like?

Today I'm taking 15-yr-old dd to dinner. I was kind of hoping she would like to do more than dinner, but I guess it's best to start out slowly. Anyway, she has a final tomorrow, so she will need to get back and study.

Today is the first day that I will be driving the new wheels around by myself. Wish me luck. I think I may finally have gotten the hang of first gear but not reverse yet. And the very first thing I have to do this a.m. is back it out of the parking space. I picture myself sitting there for hours, frustrated, dying for a Sonic drink, eventually calling in to work that I cannot come in today because my car is not working. Never mind that I have my old car parked nearby.

Guess I should get off the computer now to give myself some extra practice time.

Hungover

The title of today's post says it all - I am hung over. J and I went to a party last night. I was doing great after 2 1/2 rum and cokes and a fajita dinner. But as we were "leaving", J's friend said, "Oh, stay and have another drink," and she quickly orders us another drink a piece. We went into the host's office to talk to her. I was still fine, chatting with a woman from California, when the host came in with shot glasses full of Yeager, whatever the hell that is. I told J I didn't really want a shot because I wasn't sure I would like it, but down the hatch it went, pretty smoothly, too, as we all toasted. I don't remember much after that. J told me some things I talked about, and I cannot believe it. But she said I didn't embarrass her. She said her friend didn't really know I was drunk until J tried to put my jacket on me. I guess I kind of started to twirl around in a circle. She said I didn't stagger until we got to the street and I couldn't find the car, which was right in front of me with the lights on. Then on the way home I told J I was hungry and to stop at Taco Bell to get a taco and one of those "thingies" (nachos) . THAT was a mistake! We were eating Taco Bell at midnight. Anyway, that is the last time I will ever take a Yeager shot.

Today J left me at home on the couch to nurse my spinning head while she did the weekly grocery shopping. I hate grocery shopping, so that was a convenient time for a hangover if there ever was one. Later, she and I went for a long spin in our new vehicle (see post below). We went to World Market and got some great deals. Then I drove her out to see where my school is, getting lost along the way because I was so busy trying to find first gear. Then we went to Walgreen's. I want to watch Amazing Race tonight, and we may watch a movie.

Tomorrow I get to see my 15-yr-old for the first time in 8 weeks! I am taking her to The Cheesecake Factory. She has even invited me to see her perform in Narnia!

We have another party Wednesday night in Houston. J is sending a taxi cab to pick me up from home so that we can meet there and ride home together. I don't think I've ever ridden in one, maybe once in Mexico, now that I think about it.

We have new neighbors above us and now new neighbors across the hall. There goes our peace and quiet that we have enjoyed for over a month.

New Wheels

Here is a pic of what our new wheels are going to look like, a 2004 Saturn Vue. I will be driving it. J doesn't want me driving back and forth to work in an 11-year-old car with no a/c and no ability to roll down the window. It is manual, LOL. I'll be okay once I figure out how to get it in 1st gear. I drove it Saturday and did pretty well. Not looking forward to the first time I have to put it in "reverse", though.

No Clue What To Write

Woke up this morning with a bad headache. Turns out, one of the side effects of Ambien is headaches. Hmm, wonder if that's why I have them now and then? Took ibuprofin, but when I was on my way to work I got very nauseated, called work, and turned around. I slept for three hours straight after that.

J and I have been dealing with families who are still in denial. It has been seven weeks since we moved in together. I guess we were fooling ourselves when we thought it wouldn't take this long -- not to accept us but to at least want to talk to us. Actually, J's family is talking to her, just avoiding the subject of "us."

If you read FG's comment on my last post, she talked about isolation. That is one of the things that led to our breakup 23 years ago. It is not good for ANYBODY. Sometimes now I feel isolated, even though we really are not. J reminds me that we do have friends; we just don't see them very often. I look on my incoming/outgoing phone calls on my cell, and the only name there is "J." Sometimes it REALLY hurts. But then I start thinking, "There is no other name that I would rather see." And then it hits me, we are not isolating ourselves like we were in college; everyone else is isolating us. The shoes are on the other feet. They are the ones who feel uncomfortable, not us. They may be even feeling a bit guilty. Guilty for all of the years J and I missed because they did not accept us then. We can show them by being happy, and that is what we are going to be, with or without them.

Commitment Ceremony

It is not OFFICIAL yet, but the date of our commitment ceremony will likely be March 1st, 2009, in Las Vegas. If any of you want to come, please e-mail me. J and I would love for you to be there. We already have several people coming. I cannot believe it is only a few months away! Honeymoon plans will have to be postponed as we both have to go back to work on the 3rd.