Checking In

Well, this past week has been depressing. I found out on Tuesday from my father, of all people, that the girls are driving to Michigan from Texas with four other girls and one adult. He realized after he said it that he had let the news slip. K17 being a minor, I should have been informed that she was traveling out of state; I should have even had some input on the decision. After my dad realized what he had done, he handed the phone to my mother, who enthusiastically disclosed the girls travel plans. My parents lent the girls their GPS and an ice chest for the trip. She admitted that my ex was nervous about them going all that way.

I was driving during this conversation (another good con for driving and talking at the same time). I completely broke down in the car, mostly from anger. I called J but couldn't calm down. I told her it was time to send "the letter." By the time I got to the parking garage of our building, I was physically shaking. I called my therapist who was waiting for her plane at the airport. I can't believe she picked up. She told me to not mail the letter until the morning, after I had time to think it over. When I entered the apartment, I slammed the door and broke down in sobs straight from my gut. I hadn't cried like that since the night I left.

The next day, I mailed it. There is nothing "bad" in the letter, but it could change my life in ways I'm not sure I'm ready for. It basically tells them that I am going to lay low for awhile, that they are not including me in their lives and don't want to be a part of mine. I have been patient for 2 1/2 years and it's time for me to stop putting my life on hold; I need to move on. So I will wait and hope that one day they will want a mother/daughter relationship with me. They only contact me when they want something and show no interest in seeing me just to be with me. And, of course, K20 never tells me she loves me, ever. I wrote at the top of K17's letter (they had the same letter), " Some of the things in this letter may not apply to you, so take them as food for thought," because she has made more of an effort than K20.

So the day after I sent the letter, K20 e-mails me and tells me that to be honest she was going to ask if we could get together in a few weeks (yeah, right), not next week because she will "be busy", not mentioning the trip. She said that she will be going to the dr. in a few weeks, and IF I want to go with her I can, but she doubts I will want to get together with her after reading my letter. And that she loves me and misses me even though I probably don't believe her.

K17, the one I am closest to, has not responded to the letter at all. I wasn't expecting that. J asked me what it was that I expected. I guess I would get at least an "I'm sorry, Mom." I thought I would hear from K17, not K20. I feel like I may have lost my daughters for good. So I have become depressed and have been taking it out on myself with food, food, and more food. And then the earthquake and tsunami hit, so of course I am obsessing about that.

Tomorrow I am walking in the AIDS 2011 Walk. Our team has $80,000 plus in pledges. I am hoping that the walk will cheer me up. Oh, and we finally sold my car last night. I am hoping that good things will distract me from the bad thoughts.

I have been reading your blogs from work so I haven't been able to make comments.