Some Things You Never Forget

Some things you never forget. Do you remember the first time you ever sent or received a text message? I do. It was about five years ago. I was in a restaurant with my family and I texted to my brother, "This is my first text message." How original. He replied, "Isn't it cool?"





What about your first phone call? Do you remember that? I don't specifically remember the first call but I remember when I was about three years old. In the hallway of our house we had a phone "shelf" that held an old rotary phone, black and ugly. There wasn't a chair to sit in. I have memories of standing in that hallway in my footie pajamas with the phone up to my ear, not sure which way to hold the receiver. I remember hearing my grandpa on the other end saying, "Hello. Hello." and my parents saying, "Say something to your grandpa." A few years later, I actually understood what a phone was for. I would talk to "Santa" on the other end and tell him everything I wanted for Christmas.





I can't imagine now having to tie myself down to one room, not being able to carry a cordless phone around. Heck, I can't even imagine going anywhere in the world without my cell phone.





What's your first memory of the telephone?





Doris, your the one who inspired this post when you were posting about the size of old cordless phones. LOL

"H" is for Helper

You give the expression "She'd give the shirt off her back" new meaning to me. In high school and college you offered help to me in so many ways it was unreal., never thinking once of yourself or how you could be effected by the consequences. I guess I just thought it was because you were so in love with me. You gave without ever thinking about it. And because I was so self-centered at that time in my life, I never really noticed how you helped other people.

But since getting back together with you in 2008, I see just how much you offer to and help other people, and that makes me love you even more. You rarely miss a birthday card to anyone. You help your mother so much, not out of obligation for being the oldest child, but because you truly love your mother and would never turn her down for anything. You even help those who have thought bad about you and I and have hurt your feelings tremendously. You have helped friend after friend, sometimes getting burned, but STILL looking at the possiblity of letting it go and rekindling those friendships. You give monetarily to charities and church, even when we are counting dollars towards the next paycheck. Around the house you do triple of your share, to the point of me sometimes taking advantage of you; and for that I am truly sorry.

Sometimes you tell me you are selfish, but I see you as the least selfish person I have ever known. I love you, J. Now you just need to do one more thing. Let others help you. :o)

Yay!

Just a quick note to say that I was offered a teaching position and that J was also offered a position. I am putting my notice in next week. Since none of my local friends read this blog, I guess it will be okay to post the news here. If you are on my FB, please don't say anything until I make the announcement. Hopefully, things will be a lot less stressful around here. Thanks to all of you who have prayed or sent good thoughts my way for the past 1 1/2 years. God truly sent me the position of my dreams, I really do believe. And thanks to "The Other Mother" who made this school known to me. I can't thank you enough!

~b~

"G" is for Girlfriend

After spending just one summer with you, I became your girlfriend. We never said it outloud, but that's the way it was.

You have ALWAYS opened the door for me. (Now you open the door for all women, but I like to think that that gesture started because of me. )

During high school band practice in the early mornings, you would give me your jacket to wear. Sometimes I felt bad that you had to freeze and there I was so warm and comfortable in your jacket.

I was constantly looking over at you in the band room and at football games, hoping you were looking my way. You usually were.

My heart would skip a beat before opening my locker, hoping there would be a note from you.

I knew it wasn't "proper" and I wasn't even sure if you wanted to, but I remember wishing you would buy me a mum for the homecoming game.

On the way home, you would drive me all over my neighborhood stopping at each stop sign for a kiss.

We never wanted to be apart. We couldn't get enough of each other.

I still can't get enough of you, J, and I'll always be your girlfriend - if you want me to.

"F" is for Friend

We started out in high school as friends. It didn't take long for us to figure out that we would never, ever be just friends, but it is my favorite part of our relationship. No matter what we have been through over the past 32 + years, I knew that no matter how we had left it, I could have called you from anywhere at any time and you would have come in a heartbeat. That's just the way it has always been.

You are the most loyal friend I have ever known, to me and to others. You pick your friends carefully and wisely. I am so honored that you picked me and that our friendship grew into true love.

You are the best wife I could ever ask for, but more than anything, you will always be my best friend. I love you, J.

More Ups Than Downs!

There are so many things to report, I don't know where to start.

UP - K17 graduated from high school yesterday and she has some college credits under her belt.

DOWN - My ex's sister and her living-in-sin boyfriend came down from Arkansas as a surprise. I was a nervous wreck seeing her for the first time since the split. We used to be really close.

UP - She and I talked a bit and it wasn't so bad after all. She always got along with everyone in my family and I think she was actually enjoying herself until the next thing happened.

MAJOR DOWN - The twelve of us were eating at Carraba's when my maternal grandmother had an episode. My mom who is a nurse and another customer in the restaurant couldn't find a pulse. Grandma looked like she was gone. Her eyes were open and she wasn't responding to anything. 911 was called.

UP - She finally came to after the paramedics arrived.

MAJOR UP - K17 freaked out when it happened. Instead of grabbing her dad sitting at her left, she turned to me and literally fell into my arms. I held her and told her not to look. She wanted me to hold and console her. She chose me! Me! In the midst of a nightmare, I was smiling inside. The rapture was supposed to have happened 15 minutes before, but she told me this was "worse than the end of the world." She told me to take her outside and she just kept holding on to me, sobbing.

DOWN - As soon as we got outside on the porch of the restaurant, she started frantically dialing her phone saying, "Pick up! Pick up!" I asked, "Who are you calling?" I should have known. She was calling her other "mom." She said, "I need her to pray!" Thankfully, the lady didn't pick up the phone, so I held K17 and prayed for my grandma.

UP - The paramedics arrived very quickly. Grandma was taken to the hospital and is stable. She may get out today or tomorrow.

UP - I apologized to K17. I told her I'm sorry that my prayer wasn't that great; I was just upset. I knew her "mom" would have said a fabulous prayer. She said, "It's totally fine. You can never go wrong with a prayer, Mommy. You were there for me and that's what matters." :o)

UP - My ex's sister thought enough to get my purse out of the restaurant and bring it to me. A friendly gesture I wasn't expecting.

MAJOR UP - I was offered a job!!! A few things have to happen in order for it to be a reality, so more about that later.

And one more UP - My girls want to go to Galveston with me on June 3rd.

Final double header today. Hoping I don't fall again. May start with a new league in June.

I am happy to say that tonight in the midst of about 50 cars of straight, fundamentalist Christians in the church parking lot, my rainbow Mickey stood up proudly above the roof of my car for everyone to see!

Happy Easter

"E" is for Endless Love

We have several "songs" but none of them hold a candle to this song by Lionel Richie and Diana Ross. It was song that I walked down the aisle to on March 1, 2009, to find you waiting for me at the front of the chapel. It is the title of this blog. It is the description of our love.

My love,

There's only you in my life

The only thing that's right

My first love,

You're every breath that I take

You're every step I make

And I (I-I-I-I-I)

I want to share

All my love with you

No one else will do...

And your eyes

Your eyes, your eyes

They tell me how much you care

Ooh yes, you will always be

My endless love

Two hearts,

Two hearts that beat as one

Our lives have just begun

Forever(Ohhhhhh)

I'll hold you close in my armsI

can't resist your charms

And love

Oh, love

I'll be a fool

For you,

I'm sure

You know I don't mind

Oh, you know I don't mind

'Cause you,

You mean the world to me

OhI know I knowI've found in you

My endless love

Oooh, and love

Oh, love

I'll be that fool

For you,

I'm sure

You know I don't mind

Oh you know-I don't mind

And, YES

You'll be the only one

'Cause NO one can deny

This love I have inside

And I'll give it all to you

My love

My love, my love

My endless love

Long Lost Brother

"D" is for Dorm

I couldn't wait until fall of 1981. That is when you and I moved in together at college. We had been apart for exactly one year. Now we would no longer have to write letters every day and schedule one ten-minute long distance phone call per week. Wow, wouldn't things have been totally different if we had had e-mail and cell phones? I had already lived on campus for a year, so I enjoyed showing you around when you got there. Setting up our first door room (Room 212, wasn't it?) was a blast (your countless number of frogs on one side, my countless number of rainbows on the other). We positioned our twin beds with the heads together in a corner, but somehow we ended up squashed together every night in one tiny bed. We were so happy in our little dorm room of heaven. We were in the dark a lot, as I remember, because we were afraid of casting any shadows into the parking lot below. We cooked mushrooms in the bottom of the popcorn popper and drank pink Champale that tasted disgusting. Remember when the girl next door went "home" on Friday and left her record album playing? It continued playing the entire weekend. We literally experienced a "broken record." Can't believe I don't remember the artist. During our first semester we "thought" we had been caught by a friend in a compromising position when she walked in our room without knocking. Being found out could get us kicked out of college. We soon began looking for another dorm. The second semester we moved across the street into the roach dorm. We tried everything to get rid of those roaches, foggers, sprays and roach motels. Once we even put a slice of pizza in a corner hoping that all the roaches would just congregate over there. LOL That lasted about two weeks. Then we moved up the hill to the dorm with the shared shower. It was the best kept lesbian secret on campus, I bet. That was also the dorm where the girl next door played her music so loudly that things were falling off our dressers. And it was also the dorm where one night we decided to break up for good. You went to "your bed" and I went to "mine." This breakup lasted a whole 30 minutes. How I miss the days when we couldn't stay away from each other for any length of time. Three dorms in one year. Wow. When we finally moved out of the dorm after our first year together in college, we achieved the privacy we wanted. We moved into the dumpy trailer of our dreams. More privacy and space was wonderful, but I will never forget our simple life in the dorms. We were truly happy.

"C" is for Cute

Not only are you beautiful, but what I fell in love with in high school was your cuteness. The way you would cross your arms and chuckle to yourself as you were watching me and thought I didn't notice. Your cute, flirting smile from across the band room. The way you held two roses behind your back the first time we saw each other after years apart. I still love the freckles on your face and the way you make that whistling sound between your lips when you kiss me unexpectedly and get a rush of something special. I still love that cute twinkle in your eyes when you look over the top of your reading glasses at me at night. Yes, I fell in love with your beauty, but you are so damned cute sometimes it makes me giddy and feel like I am sixteen years old again.

B is for Bliss

Life with you, J, is bliss and must be what Heaven is like. I know it doesn't seem that way sometimes, but I couldn't ask for any more. I have everything I desire and need.

A is for Always

J, I always want you in my life and I always have. No matter how bad things get, I will never give up on our dream of being together - always.

Softball

Softball has turned out to be very therapeutic for me, but let me back up a bit. I used to play in junior high and then stopped when band (football games) and working got in the way of schedules. I was a really good player if I do say so myself. It was fast pitch. I played pitcher, 1st and shortstop. I could pitch and hit but couldn't run fast or throw a ball far.

When I found out that our church had a co-ed softball team I became interested but put off inquiring about it because of 1) my age, 2) my weight, and 3) I had never played slow pitch. I tried it once years ago but couldn't hit the ball.

So I borrowed a glove a few months ago, and decided that if I could hit the ball, I would buy my own glove and join. So here I am, now a member of the church softball team of 15 members, but only 5 are actual attendees of our church. We are in a gay/lesbian softball league which at times makes me embarrassed or offended, not because people are gay but because of the actions of some of the teams. I am quite sure that if a team in a church league cheered to the top of their lungs, "2, 4, 6, 8, do it like you masturbate", that they would be reprimanded for it. There are children attending some of these games and there is some PDA there that is uncomfortable even for me, even if it would be from heterosexuals. However, hanging around the "gay" ball field has helped me be more comfortable out in the open with J as a couple, and I am extremely thankful for that. Back in the '80s we could have never let on that we were "together." It's rather humorous because instead of trying to guess who is "gay", we are trying to decide who's "straight." LOL

The first few games I was put out in right field, and you know what that means. That's where they put the people who can't play worth crap. But then when you miss a once-in-a-blue-moon fly ball in right field, everyone looks surprised and disgusted and wonders why they put you in that position. And, of course, I was put second from the bottom of the 15-person batting order.

For two weeks, I have to tell you, I was bored. to. tears. I was already having trouble warming up to my coach. During one of my first batting practices, she looked at my fingernails. I said, "I know I need to cut them. I have an appointment next week." She replied, "What does your girlfriend think about that?" I said, "We do just fine, thank you."

And then there was this past Saturday, when she wanted me to bat. I said that I needed to get my batting gloves on first. I bought them because sometimes my left hand will sting when I bat. She announced to the team something like, "Well, we all need to wait while B puts those batting gloves on. She thinks they'll help her hit." I was boiling inside, boiling so much that I got up to the plate and hit the shit out of the ball, not once, not twice, but more times than I could count. Into left center, over second base, over short stop's head. Take that!

Our usual 2nd basewoman was not there so I decided that I was going to take the chance to show everybody that I don't belong in right field. Before anyone could get situated after a water break, I took 2nd. Didn't ask. Didn't care. And I stopped every damned ball that came my way, including a low fast hit ball between shortstop and 2nd that I reached out to for the hell of it and caught by total accident. The manager kept saying to the coach, "She hasn't let a ball go by her. I hope you're taking note of it."

Later, they put me at 1st, and the coach said, "Show me what you got." So I did. I was so excited but it wasn't until the first game on Sunday when it really paid off. They started me at 1st. I only played two innings each game because we have so many players, but I stopped or caught every ball and even made my first legitimate game hit, to left center. When I hit the ball I was thinking about how J and I have been treated the past 2 1/2 years and how angry I am about it. It felt so good to take my anger out on something and I plan on doing it again and again.

I had forgotten how much I love the game of softball. Standing on first, swaying my hips, waiting for that ball to be hit, chattering for the pitcher, scared to death that a ball is going to come to me, and always thinking to myself, "I dare you to hit it right here sucka!" And I love hanging around the ball field, the occasiional breeze, the smell of the french fries and frito pies, watching someone else's game to see how good they are., waiting patiently with the team with a ball in my glove to see who wins the coin toss. My aching head, skinned knees and shoulder, bruised hip, and broken blood vessels in both hands are all worth it. I am even contemplating on playing this summer in a church league. I know I'm crazy in this Houston heat, but it's the only exercise I have enjoyed so I want to take advantage of it if there's a team available. I hear they constantly rotate players anyway due to the heat so I wouldn't have to play several innings at a time.

Thank you for reading and I hope I haven't offended any right fielders out there. It's just not for me. Oh, and I have been working on my novel. It's coming along!

Togetherness

This photo was taken on Saturday during the game I sat out. J came to the ball field to cheer me on and keep score at the tournament. I love being with J, doing something, sharing an experience outdoors. I was never an "outdoor girl", but I think I have kind of missed it. I have been extremely depressed this week about the girls (they still haven't contacted me), but looking at this photo brings a smile to my face. I love you, my darling!

Wordless Wednesday

We Made It To MI

Those were the five words texted to me this morning by K20, the most she has texted to me in a looong time. Still haven't heard from K17. Talking about role reversal. I have been pretty upset about it, but J has been wonderful, allowing me to show my sadness off and on all weekend.

Saturday we took a drive into downtown H-town so that I would know how to get there for the AIDS Walk 2011 and where to park. Of course, yesterday at the walk, they wouldn't let me park where we thought I could park and I was forced to exit the lot in a different direction, but it all worked out.

Then we drove to Katy to look at a school that I have an interview at today. I am dreading this interview because I consider it a complete waste of my time, gas money and more mileage on my new car. But I'm going, even if it's just for practice. I don't think they can offer me what I need to make being a small school. Well, you never know whose paths you may cross again in the future so I'm going to try to have a good interview.

On the way home on the freeway, a damn rock hit my brand new windshield. I asked J, "Did it crack it?" She said, "nope." About 30 minutes later another damn rock hit my windshield. J said, "But that one did." Damn.

The walk yesterday went "okay." The worst part was waiting around for 2 hrs before it started. There wasn't anywhere to sit down (except the grass), and I didn't want to make a fool of myself trying to get up. I didn't feel the love from the team I had joined so I walked alone. This way I could pass people by weaving in and out as I wanted to. I felt really lonely but I did it, and I'm glad I did. The walk wasn't to benefit me so no right to complain. Not having someone to talk to along the way just gave me time to think, and I don't need time to think right now.

The tsunami news has also got me down and J hasn't been feeling well lately. I am looking toward Memorial Day, my next day off! Oh, well, wish me luck on the practice interview.

Checking In

Well, this past week has been depressing. I found out on Tuesday from my father, of all people, that the girls are driving to Michigan from Texas with four other girls and one adult. He realized after he said it that he had let the news slip. K17 being a minor, I should have been informed that she was traveling out of state; I should have even had some input on the decision. After my dad realized what he had done, he handed the phone to my mother, who enthusiastically disclosed the girls travel plans. My parents lent the girls their GPS and an ice chest for the trip. She admitted that my ex was nervous about them going all that way.

I was driving during this conversation (another good con for driving and talking at the same time). I completely broke down in the car, mostly from anger. I called J but couldn't calm down. I told her it was time to send "the letter." By the time I got to the parking garage of our building, I was physically shaking. I called my therapist who was waiting for her plane at the airport. I can't believe she picked up. She told me to not mail the letter until the morning, after I had time to think it over. When I entered the apartment, I slammed the door and broke down in sobs straight from my gut. I hadn't cried like that since the night I left.

The next day, I mailed it. There is nothing "bad" in the letter, but it could change my life in ways I'm not sure I'm ready for. It basically tells them that I am going to lay low for awhile, that they are not including me in their lives and don't want to be a part of mine. I have been patient for 2 1/2 years and it's time for me to stop putting my life on hold; I need to move on. So I will wait and hope that one day they will want a mother/daughter relationship with me. They only contact me when they want something and show no interest in seeing me just to be with me. And, of course, K20 never tells me she loves me, ever. I wrote at the top of K17's letter (they had the same letter), " Some of the things in this letter may not apply to you, so take them as food for thought," because she has made more of an effort than K20.

So the day after I sent the letter, K20 e-mails me and tells me that to be honest she was going to ask if we could get together in a few weeks (yeah, right), not next week because she will "be busy", not mentioning the trip. She said that she will be going to the dr. in a few weeks, and IF I want to go with her I can, but she doubts I will want to get together with her after reading my letter. And that she loves me and misses me even though I probably don't believe her.

K17, the one I am closest to, has not responded to the letter at all. I wasn't expecting that. J asked me what it was that I expected. I guess I would get at least an "I'm sorry, Mom." I thought I would hear from K17, not K20. I feel like I may have lost my daughters for good. So I have become depressed and have been taking it out on myself with food, food, and more food. And then the earthquake and tsunami hit, so of course I am obsessing about that.

Tomorrow I am walking in the AIDS 2011 Walk. Our team has $80,000 plus in pledges. I am hoping that the walk will cheer me up. Oh, and we finally sold my car last night. I am hoping that good things will distract me from the bad thoughts.

I have been reading your blogs from work so I haven't been able to make comments.

Wordless Wednesday