Saturday, October 31, 2009

Halloween's Past

When I was young, around 2nd or 3rd grade, my parents would let me go trick or treating with friends, no parents. It was so different back then. My friends and I would trick or treat for a few blocks, and then without our parents' knowledge, we would hike FAR AWAY (giving up the chance to stock up on candy) to a house where there was a woman dressed like a witch, stirring her witch's brew in a big kettle. She was always there, surrounded by fake spider webs and scary sound effects. If my parents had any idea how far I went, I would have been whipped.

One year in my new neighborhood, I dressed up as a TV set. My rabbit ear antennae kept getting caught in small trees between houses, kids were turning my knobs, and I could barely see out of the slit I had cut in the "screen." When I got back home from trick or treating, my dad had a special request of me. On my screen I had written, "Channel 2 News." My dad knew that a guy in our subdivision worked for Channel 2, so he INSISTED we walk all the way to this guy's house, and it was FAR!! We walked and walked and walked. All the people had now gone inside and turned their lights off, even this man. But my dad still made me go up and ring the stupid doorbell. He was trying to show me off. The guy answered the door and didn't even notice my screen, gave me the candy, and closed the door. All of that for nothing, no "wow" or "how clever," etc. that my dad wanted to hear.

Every year after trick or treating, my parents would drive me and my little brother about 7 miles away to my paternal grandparents' house. My parents would make us stand in front of the front door and ring the bell, while they "hid" off to the side. My grandfather would open the door and act surprised, "Wow, what a cute cowboy!" "What a cute TV Set!" "I wonder where THEY came from?" blah blah blah. Then we would take off our "masks" and say, "It's us, Pappy!" And then my parents would come out of hiding and we would go in. My grandfather would look through our candy stashes and pick out all of his favorite candies. I used to hate that part. As I grew older, I would pick out candies on my way to his house that I didn't want him to take away.

It was around that time that a boy died eating poisoned Pixie Stix. Turns out, his dad poisoned him. But Halloween just wasn't the same after that. Malls started having "safe" trick or treating. Churches started having "fall festivals." But by then, I had grown out of it anyway.

When my kids were little, we would take them trick or treating about a block or so, then take them to a party or carnival to play games, win prizes, etc. I wished I could give them the freedom I had when I was younger, but it just wasn't possible. Things were so different back then; or were they?

Friday, October 30, 2009

Wordless Wednesday Reply

Yes, it is a church where I am going to Jazzercise classes. I love the ivy around the arches. Just spoke to me.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Condo Model Photos - Our Floor Plan is Reversed


Damn, we've had a great Sunday! We woke up late and snuggled for about an hour; then J hinted she wanted me to fix her breakfast. I love cooking for her. After breakfast we were going to go to the grocery store, but went back to bed until after noon. When we finally made it to the grocery store, we actually didn't argue about shopping. I helped her carry the groceries upstairs, and then it was time to make her lunch. We had an awesome salad with Asian/ginger dressing and later some dirty rice and hominy. Now she is finishing the newspaper and watching the Texans WIN!!! After the game, we will watch movies and play a game. Then watch the Amazing Race tonight, TOGETHER ON THE COUCH! And to think I used to dread Sundays!

Notice I didn't say anything about packing! We aren't moving into our condo until November 14th, so we have time. All the DVDs and CDs are packed. There really isn't anything else to pack so early, I don't think.

Hopefully, I am starting Jazzercise Wednesday. Tomorrow we find out whether or not I need radiation, so please pray or pass positive thoughts our way.

I have been reading your blogs. Leo - I really like your passworded blog. Your honesty in your writing is wonderful. Rebecca, I miss your postings. Where the heck are you?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

I Miss J

I miss J so much, it's not even funny. She is my life. When she is not with me, I am lost. Am I crazy? Am I obsessed? I miss her loving arms around me. I miss her teling me she loves me. I miss her telling me that I am the only one for her. PLEASE bring her home to me Safely. I am so scared that she is going to be in an accident.
1. What is the color of your toothbrush? Purple
2. Name one person who made you smile today. J
3. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? Trying to sleep
4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? Marinading a chicken
5. What is your favorite candy bar? 3 Muskateers
6. Have you ever been to a strip club? yes
7. What is the last thing you said aloud? "Thanks" to the cashier
8. What is your favorite ice cream? Dutch Chocolate
9. What was the last thing you had to drink? Diet Dr. Pepper
10. Do you like your wallet? Don't have one.
11. What was the last thing you ate? eggs
12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? No, but hope to.
13. The last sporting event you watched? Houston Texans football game
14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? Movie theater with lots of butter
15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to? J
16. Ever go camping? Yes, when I was a kid.
17. Do you take vitamins daily? No
18. Do you go to church every Sunday? No
19. Do you have a tan? No
20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza? Yes
21. Do you drink your soda with a straw? Yes
22. What did your last text message say? "Groceries $28.08."
23. What are you doing tomorrow? Don't have a clue
24. Favorite color? Purple
25. Look to your left; what do you see? a wall (boring meme; isn't it?)
26. What color is your watch? Gold
27. What do you think of when you hear “Australia”? kangaroos and koalas
28. Would you strip for money? no
29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? usually drive thru
30. What is your favorite number? single digit - 9; multi-digit 11228052522725
31. Who’s the last person you talked to on the phone? my dad
32. Any plans today? wash clothes, pack, clean, cook dinner
33. In how many states have you lived? 1
34. Biggest annoyance right now? allergies
35. Last song listened to? Taylor Swift's latest single
36. Can you say the alphabet backwards? It would take me awhile
37. Do you have a maid service clean your house? No, but where we are moving to, we will get maid service onece a month.
38. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? white crocs right now
39. Are you jealous of anyone? yes
40. Is anyone jealous of you? yes, everyone
41. Do you love anyone? every day with all my heart, yes
42. Do any of your friends have children? Yes
43. What do you usually do during the day? sit in front of the computer, answer the phone, feed people
44. Do you hate anyone that you know right now? no
45. Do you use the word hello daily? yes
46. What color is your car? black
47. What size wedding ring do you wear? 7
48. Are you thinking about someone right now? yes, J.
49. Have you ever been to Six Flags? yes
50. How did you get your worst scar? c-section

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Wordless Wednesday - Okay, Five Words. Sorry

One Year Ago Today - The Best and Worst Day of My Life


One year ago today, around 7:00 a.m., I kissed my sleeping daughters in their beds for the very last time. I whispered in their ears, "Don't ever forget that I love you." But they just nodded and mumbled, "Love you, too", fast asleep.

My garbage bag was packed in the trunk from the night before with five changes of clothes.

After I kissed the girls, I didn't even stop to look around the house at: the "home" that I had basically "created" by myself, as a mother does for her family. The painted walls that took me and my two girls an entire month to paint. The home decor, not that there was that much of it. My Emmett Kelly, Jr. clown collection, the kitchen, stocked with every kind of gadget you could imagine, with recipes, spices, and sun reflectors in the window. The huge DVD collection that the girls and I had collected together and would stay up until all hours of the night watching, before falling asleep in the den. The pool where so many pool parties and cookouts were held countless times each summer. The school room where we had done homeschooling for 10 years. The girls' bedrooms that I would never see again. None of it would I ever see again, and I never stopped to even look. It was too painful.

I petted my beloved two-year-old Shih-Poo that slept with me each night one last time and said "goodbye" to the cats. I walked out the door, and I never looked back at the house. Got in my van and drove away, towards work, in a daze, holding back tears and then letting them just flow.


J picked me up around 7 p.m. after I told ex that I was leaving him and the girls and why.

She drove me away from: the walking on eggshells, the countless nights of drinking myself into oblivion, taking way too many pills, my children begging me to stop, a husband who had no earthly idea what was wrong, what to do with me, how to make it work. Away from a church and community where I was lying to everyone about who I am and what I believe.

J drove me to: a hotel, where we talked for hours, her holding me while I cried my eyes out. A place where I finally felt loved, safe, accepted, home, really home. ME. I was where I was supposed to have been since 1979.


Things are not as rosy as I thought they would be one year later. BUT my children are talking to me and seeing me again. My family is including me in family events. My daughter made it through her senior year, even through all the emotional turmoil she was going through. My ex and girls are finally in a more stable environment. I have come out to my friends (most of them - lost all but two of them) and family (most of them). I am in a new job where I would probably not be fired for being gay. (I was teaching in a small, private school before) I fall asleep and wake up in the arms of the most beautiful, wonderful woman in the world, who cares for me, loves me, believes in me, adores me. (I dont' know why.)

MY HOPES FOR THE NEXT YEAR: (I will check in one year later and see how many came true.)

I am going to set my hopes super high, knowing that all of my expectations will not be reached, but what the hell's the problem with hoping?

That my oldest daughter will tell me she loves me.

That I will be able to come out to my maternal grandmother.

That J's mom will be more comfortable around me, allowing me to spend time with her, even if it is just dinner in a public place. (Actually, she might prefer a more private place. LOL)

That J's sister and I become closer. I always wanted a sister.

That J and I will be allowed to spend at least ONE HOLIDAY together with either her family or mine.

That I can wear my wedding ring around my family.

That J and her mom grow closer.

That one or both of my daughters would attend our church with me.

That my children would believe that I am not going to hell. OH, AND THAT THEY WOULD LEAVE THE CHURCH THEY ARE IN and join a more liberal church. (Now, THAT will take a miracle!)

That I can feel comfortable in our church as me and become actively involved with the children there, or that God uses me in other ways at the church.

That J and I will finally be able to tell the world that we had our commitment ceremony in March.

That somehow my secret will slip out to my boss and he will be okay with it.

***That my children will meet J and like her and want to be around both of us at the same time. (I think this is my biggest wish of all, because if they could see how happy J and I are together, or how happy I am with J, at least, I think their feelings for me might change. I want them to be more of a part of our lives. I don't want to live the "divorced dad" lifestyle anymore.)

I made it through today and have not cried once. Thanks for listening blogspot friends.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Friday, October 9, 2009

What is the point of this song?

By Paul Simon

When I was a little boy (when I was just a boy)

And the Devil would call my name (when I was just a boy)

I'd say "Now who do, (who-oo)Who do you think you're fooling?" (when I was just a boy)

I'm a consecrated boy (when I was just a bo-o-o-y)I

'm a singer in a Sunday choir (oooh)

Oh my mama loves me, she loves me

She get down on her knees and hug me (ahh a-a-ah)(oh)She loves me like a rockS

he rocks me like the rock of ages

And loves me

She love me, love me, love me, love me

When I was grown to be a man (grown to be a man)

And the Devil would call my name (grown to be a man)

I'd say "Now who do, (whooo)Who do you think you're fooling?" (grown to be a man)

I'm a consummated man (grown to be a ma-a-a-n)

I can snatch a little purity (oooh)

My mama loves me, she loves me

She get down on her knees and hug me (ahh a-a-ah)(oh)

She loves me like a rock

She rocks me like the rock of ages

And loves me

She love me, love me, love me, love me

And if I was the President (was the President)

The minute that Congress called my name (was the President)

I'd say "Now who do, (whooo)Who do you think you're fooling? (who do you think you're fooling)I've got the Presidential Seal (was the president)

I'm up on the Presidential Po-o-dium (oooh)

My mama loves me, she loves meS

he get down on her knees and hug me(oh)

She loves me like a rock

She rocks me like the rock of ages

And loves me

Fade out:She love me, love me, love me, love me(loves me like a rock)
Who wants to be loved like a rock?
Rocks are ignored.
Rocks can't eat, sleep, talk or move.
Rocks are kicked.
Rocks are thrown.
Rocks are climbed with sharp pick axes.
They have no feelings.
On the othe hand:
A diamond is called a rock.
Rocks can be painted.
There used to be pet rocks.
Firm foundations are built with rock.
Famous monuments are built with rock.
Jesus is my rock.
Yeah, maybe I would like to be loved like a rock after all.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

The Amazing Race

J and I have discussed tonight that if we ever went on The Amazing Race together, we would divorce.

Today was a monumental day: J and I both joined and came out on Facebook. Wow! It feels good, but WOW!

J's Birthday Party

I still have not figured out how to move pictures around on this blog. They all end up in one lump, and I am typing on the upper right-hand side of the window. When I click and drag, there is nowhere to drag them to because the window is small and I can't click the down arrow at the same time.
So.... here are some photos in random order of J's party.
I am thinking of closing this blog, so if there are some old photos you want, you ought to grab them now.