Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
For those of you who know J in person, you know that she is quite the charmer, always talking, always joking. It wasn't that way when we were younger, at least not when we were with other people. In high school, I was the one who played air guitar to My Sharona at Square Pan Pizza. She would never have done that back then. Of course, in college, we had practically no "friends" so we hardly ever went out with others, so I cannot really say. But just based on what I remember about her personality, she was pretty quiet around other people, but not around me alone. I know that probably shocks you if you know her now lol.
J would say that she is the butch/male (whatever the word) part of our relationship. But I see it almost as an insult to "label" her as such. To me, that means someone would look at her as "handsome," and I never think of her that way at all. I think of her as the woman that she is, the word "beautiful" describing her to me. She doesn't wear dresses, but she doesn't wear men's clothes, either. She would not agree with me, but she does have a femininity to her, especially when we are alone, and that's what I love about J. She does not pretend to be the tough guy. Oh, she has made it very clear that she wants to be my protector, take care of things, get up in the middle of the night to check out noises I hear, etc. But she has a definite softness about her that I absolutely love. I am not sure if others see it, but I sometimes hope they don't, that it is left just for me ha ha.
I guess we just don't fit the stereotypes that I read about so much. I do not want her to look or act like a man. I just want her to be herself, which is who I love and have always loved. Like Celie says in The Color Purple - I am drawn to her like a bee to honey. I always have been. I cannot wait until our first New Year's Eve together. And, yes, Leo, you are supposed to kiss someone at the stroke of midnight. I am sooooo glad that FINALLY I can kiss J! It has been a long wait.
Monday, December 29, 2008
You think everyone in a movie theater is being quiet during a movie, but when this happened, you could FEEL the tension in the air. It was as people not only stopped talking but stopped breathing, as well. People were sitting straight up in their seats (you know how people seem to slouch during movies to relax), and I know that a lot of people were looking at the Exit signs because I was watching them. The man in front of us put his arm around his wife in a protecting sort of way. About 30 seconds after the second set of pops, a couple of people got up (one from each side) and went to the side exits towards the lobby. My youngest turned to me and said, "Mom, I don't like this. Something is wrong."
It turned out to be nothing, Thank God, but I have to admit that I was thinking to myself (and I missed a lot of the movie thinking), "I need to move my purse out of the way so that I can get these girls down on the floor between the seats." You know things are bad in your country when you automatically think the worse in situations like that, when a child opens the door for Santa Claus and gets shot in the face. It makes me realize that one can never be really prepared for anything like that. Yesterday, in Houston, Texas, at a public movie theater, there could have been another "shooting", and there wasn't anything anyone could have done about it.
Isn't that how life is anyway? Are we ever really prepared for anything that comes along? I thought I was "prepared" when I left my family. Now I am realizing that I left this, I left that, I didn't take care of this before I left, I didn't take care of that. J and I have been talking about the future. I keep stressing that we need to get "prepared" in case we die early on. She thinks we have plenty of time. What I need to realize is that even if we are prepared, there will always be something that wasn't taken care of; things will not go perfectly. One of my biggest fears is that I would be homeless; I'm not sure why that is. I guess because I am not sure of how the laws in this state work. J is self-sufficient without my income; I am not self-sufficient without hers at this time. It's just something scary that I need to let go of.
Well, I am meeting J in Houston at lunchtime, so I had better go get ready. I miss her sooo much when we are not together. I plan to see her everyday at lunch this week if I can.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
I want to walk, but our track isn't paved. It's very uneven, and when I tried to walk on it, I only made it twice around; my feet were killing me. There are holes everywhere. There is a park close to work, but it seems like everytime I go by, it is getting dark or cloudy. Or I don't have tennis shoes on or the proper pants. I could change after work, I suppose, but that would take more time. The park closes at "sundown." I worry about getting locked in that place. A Wii would be great because we could use it around our time schedule. I worry about creating too much noise for our downstairs neighbors, though. What games do you like to play on the Wii? My daughter likes to play golf.
Last night didn't go so well at V's. She was not feeling well, so we had to call the night off after only an hour. Her dogs liked J, though, so I guess that means J has been accepted by V. LOL. On the way home, we stopped for a margarita, which I loved! We went to Pappasitos, which is where J took me on our first "date" when we saw each other for the first time after about 8 or 10 years. That date was soooo special to me, watching her order fajitas for two and shrimp diablo, talking about our early life together. Sitting there in that loud, busy, restaurant, the fajitas sizzling on the plate, all I could think about was, wow, I am really here with HER. The waiter obviously knows we're a couple, so do some people around us. And I don't really care! I just LOVE being her date! And I still love it when she takes me out! It has nothing to do with her spending money on me; it has something to do with being seen out with her, almost like people envy me being with her!
I think I hurt J's feelings last night when we were walking in the parking lot. I had my hand in her arm. Then a car came close to us, and I took my hand away. It is just instinct. I don't know what I think is going to happen if someone sees us touching. It didn't bother me at all when we were at a party with friends. I guess I'm afraid we're going to get arrested or something. Ha ha!
Speaking of getting arrested, quite a few months back on one of our dates, we were driving around looking for a place to be alone, if you know what I mean. We ended up in the community college back parking lot. We were there about a minute and things were progressing nicely (hey, things move quickly when you don't have that much time), when a school security guard drove up and shined his lights on us. We still laugh about that, but at the time, I wasn't too amused. Guess it's not as bad as the time my grandparents, YES, MY GRANDPARENTS, almost caught us in the shower together. We have had some close calls. Let me know about some of your close calls! LOL
There is a whole stack of DVDs sitting here that I could watch, but I don't want to watch them alone. Guess I'll go back and watch Caesar on Dog Whisperer or Michelle Duggar having her 18th baby. Tomorrow, hopefully, we will be going to check out a new church, and I will get to see a movie with my kids.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Tonight is going to be very important to me because V is only the second friend I have who supports my relationship with J. I used to talk to her about J years and years ago, about how much we had loved each other, how I still loved J, how I wish we had never parted. While J has introduced me to perhaps ten friends or so, this is only the second time for me, so I am pretty pumped! V is quite kooky, but she is a lot of fun to listen to, and the best part is that she is not judgmental. I don't remember what posessed me to come out to V all those years ago, but I am glad that I did. She has listened to my struggles over the past 2 1/2 years. And while she never cheered me on as far as leaving my famiy was concerned, she is very happy for J and I, especially that I can be myself for the first time in my life.
Christmas was pretty tense at my parents' house yesterday, but we made it through. J says it will get easier over time. I am already invited to my grandmother's house again. When I walked in the door, I hugged everyone except my mom; don't know why, I just couldn't do it. Then later, she was mashing potatoes in the kitchen, and I went in and hugged her and said, "I didn't hug you when I walked in." She kind of flinched. She changed the subject quickly, but she didn't flinch when I hugged her goodbye.
Well, here's the loot I got yesterday: From J: An Achmed the Dead Terrorist T-Shirt ( I Keeeeel You!) , a black leather jacket that I absolutely love (80 degree weather here, folks) , a pot to make chili and soup in (ha ha. I knew this blog was good for something!), Just Like Heaven and Kate & Leopold DVDs, a Dean Martin CD, and chocolate!; a Mamma Mia DVD from the girls, some gift cards from my parents and grandmother.
I gave J: a ferret calendar, an August Rush CD, a Dark Knight DVD, a windspinner (Texas Longhorns) that we can't figure out how to spin. She also got some CDs, another Dark Knight DVD, some gift cards, a key chain, and I am not sure all what else.
It was a GREAT first Christmas. We spent a lot of time during the holidays talking about life. It feels so good to be able to spend time together alone. I know, I know, we are home at night, but there is something better about having no time constraints, knowing we don't have to be anywhere by a certain time, or go to sleep knowing that we have to go to work in the morning.
J is going out of town tomorrow, and I am really bummed, but she will be home tomorrow night!!!
Well, I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas! Some of you who read this blog but don't belong to Blogger, you can still comment.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Honey, I know you are reading this in the car when you're not supposed to be. I love you with all my heart! You are the most beautiful, most loving person I know. I am so blessed to be with you again! DON'T SPEED trying to get home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
I used to watch these girls. I was always the best friend. And while, of course, I was not in love with them -- I wouldn't even go as far to say that they were crushes, just friendships -- these girls prepared me for love and life with J. You see, they are the ones that I became comfortable around, me doing the "girlie" things like spreading the peanut butter, them doing the "boyish" things like squashing the bugs. For some reason, just today, I remember being so at home in that role and letting them be comfortable in theirs. I didn't have to listen to them (like my other friends) talk about boys or their hair or what shoes went with which dress (they didn't wear dresses ha!). If they had not come into my lives, would I have turned out gay? J thinks we are born this way. The farther I go back in time in my mind, the more I tend to agree with her. A lot of times I think about certain students that I taught in first grade and about their roles in their friendships, and I wonder if they may be gay, first grade, mind you!
So, yeah, well, next time this issue comes up with my mother, I will have to honestly say, "Mom, I think I have been gay since kindergarten." You may wonder why it is so important to me. Well, the time and age has always been important to me. It's like a victory when I finally figure it out. I mean, it REALLY bothered me when I couldn't remember if I was 12 or 13 when my grandfather started with me. 13, for some reason, was NOT OKAY. I was older then, a teenager, even. I should have known better (and I did). But 12, well, that was still innocence. If it happened when I was 12, then I could handle that. Turns out, I do now remember a couple of incidences when I was 12. I bookmarked them in my mind because I was 12 when I got my contact lenses, and I remember having contacts during this time. Sorry about the bunny trail. So now I can say "kindergarten." Wow! It's like a coat of armor, protecting me from all the mean, self-righteous people I will come in contact with in 2009. It gives me strength; it gives me power. It puts the blame on no one, and it answers so many questions about my life. It doesn't tell me why I fell in love with J (I think that is simply fate of the gods), but it does explain a lot about how I see my role in this relationship, why I let her drive us everywhere (she says it's her job), open doors for me (again, her job), buy me flowers (hmm, her job) -- do we see a pattern here? -- why I love to cook the meals, clean the apt (which I am behind in doing), light the candles, and wear the makeup.
So I just want to say "thank you" to Daphne and Andrea and a couple of others along the way. Andrea is now a very successful police officer, and Daphne, well, she is always in all kinds of trouble. Hmmmm, wonder if they can say "thank you" to me, too?
Monday, December 22, 2008
This week we are having:
Monday: chicken and rice
Tuesday: pork chops
Wednesday: homemade pizza
Thursday: Christmas with our families
Friday: leftovers (lol)
If anyone else wants to let me know what they are having, maybe it will inspire me to cook something new. Right now I am not being very creative in the cooking department. I need to make soup. I am hoping (hint, hint) that there is a soup pot in one of my packages. Or a crockpot. Love ya, J! Can't wait until you get home. (You guys know that she checks this blog everyday when she is sitting in Houston traffic.) I thinks she likes to read about how madly in love with her I am!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Today, like all the others, I showed my blonde side. We have an island in the kitchen with four cabinets and two drawers. I was looking for a certain pan and opened the left cabinet. I saw our Pampered Chef pizza stone still in its box. No pan in there. Went to the other side of the island and opened up the right cabinet, lo and behold, another Pampered Chef pizza stone! Went BACK to the original cabinet (just to double check) -- yep, there's a pizza stone still in the box. I went in the bathroom and yelled to J in the shower, "Hey, why do we have two Pampered Chef pizza stones?" She yelled back, "I have no idea what you are talking about!" Okay, go ahead and laugh, I had just gotten out of bed, you know. There is ONE pizza stone, but the cabinet opens on both sides of the island! These are the kinds of embarrassing moments I have. When I have one, I do it right!
Today, at my local Borders bookstore, after I huffed and puffed myself to the half-way landing of the stairs, I was met by a book about being fit and in shape. Ugh! Don't remind me!
To Rebecca below, no, my girls have not been given my blog site. They are not ready for that, believe me. Maybe someday, though. They do not want me to mention J's name, much less read about her.
J is at her family's Christmas today, so I took the opportunity to wrap all my gifts. Now, I'm going to go curl up on the couch, watch Monk (my favorite), and anxiously await for J to come home!
These are pics of my daughters. They are both trying sooo hard to be strong right now through the holidays. I wonder if they know how much I miss them and love them? I wonder if they will ever understand that the choice I made, I made BECAUSE I love them so much? I doubt it. I am proud of them for continuing with their lives in a fairly normal way; they both have jobs, go to school, have lots of friends and activities. I was afraid that they would turn inward and crash, but so far, they are doing pretty much what they would be doing if I were there. They have leaned on friends, their dad, and each other. And, of course, they have God to lean on. Well, I just thought I would share their pictures with you! These were taken about a year ago, so they have matured quite a bit since then.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
J and I may spend Christmas a.m. opening gifts, etc. I think I will make her a special breakfast. I already have something in mind. Then when I come home later that evening, we can spend some more time together. She will be at her mom's while I am at my parents'.
Friday night I am supposed to take my 18-yr-old out to dinner. Wish me luck. She doesn't talk much in the first place, so this should be quite interesting. I thought that after dinner, if she has some shopping to do, I could take her to the mall. However, the mall is too closeby where we used to live. I am trying to stay away from places people I know might run into. My youngest and I ran into two women from the church the other night. They talked and talked to her, but only said "hi" to me.
Well, I have to go now. The apartment needs a good cleaning. I notice that it is now starting to appear a bit cluttered since we have been her a couple of months. I need to try to keep on top of that. I was thinking to myself a few weeks ago, "Man, we sure are neater than we were in college!" But now I look around and realize that there are many things that could be put away. I need to buy more hangers. I cannot stand the closet looking like it does with our clothes stacked on the shelves.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if everyone at work knew about all I have been going through since the second week I started working there, October 14th. I have left my husband, left my two kids, been basically excommunicated from my parents and my brother, been kicked out of my church and told I am going to hell, etc., etc. It makes me wonder how I come in to work everyday with a smile on my face, telling the kids what a good job they are doing, high fiving them when they sound out a word for the first time or discover that an isosceles triangle has two sides that are the same.
It reminds me of 1992, when I was "functioning" as a Montessori elementary teacher on the outside but literally drowning on the inside. And you know what hurts the most? That I cannot express to the people that I love how absolutely thrilled I am to have the love of my life back, the one I greet at the door every evening. The one whose ring I wear with pride, even though no one has a clue who let me wear it. I feel like I am being eaten alive from the inside because I am not allowed to express my feelings or mention her name to anyone.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
I got to see 15-year-old again yesteday, yea! I picked her up after her theater rehearsal in the Woodlands. We went to Walmart, then to the mall to shop for an outfit for her dance next week. Then after dark, we took the water taxi pictured here for a 45-minute ride to look at the Christmas lights. It was extremely cold and windy on the boat. She wanted my arms around her. It felt so good to hold her, kiss her forehead, tell her I love her.
Finally talked to my grandmother in Florida today after 9 weeks. It was so good to hear her voice and that her cat is still alive. She would be so depressed if anything every happened to her. I told her I saw my mother Friday night. She said my mother never even mentioned seeing me. Now, I tell everyone I know when I get to see my kid. Seems like it ought to be a tad bit important to share that she had finally seen me with her own mother.
I said something to J during my phone conversation. My grandmother said, "Are you still rooming with your friend?" I said, "Yes." She said, "Do I know her?" I said, "No." She said, "Is that who you were talking to?" Soooo she knows that I am living with someone and probably that it is a woman. Hmmmm. J thinks she can put two and two together. I think she's right. My grandmother may be a lot of things, but she is not stupid. Oh, well, I will tell her eventually; it is just going to take some time. When we were hanging up she said, "Don't you ever doubt that I love you." Sigh.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
My grandmother would not have taken the time to write, I don't think, unless she is wanting to talk to me. I was closer to her than to my own mother. I called her once or twice a week before J and I got back together. I have sent her cards telling her how much I miss her. I have left messages on her answering machine on her Bingo nights. But for some reason I simply cannot hear her voice. Being a disappointment to her will crush me. Pray that the contents of her letter are good, please. At this point, I don't even know how much she knows.
I don't know what possessed us (probably my desire to have children ha ha), but our second year in college, as if we didn't have enough to do and take care of, J and I made a decision to buy a ferret, a sable one, similar to the one in the picture. We named her Shasta, because on the ride home from San Antonio to get her, she drank soda out of my hand. I have many memories of this animal, some hysterical, some not so funny. I remember how we used to set her on the dashboard of the car, and she used to "chase" the windshield wipers and how people in other cars would stare at us because they had no clue what that animal in the window could be. We used to stop at rest areas and show her off. Many people had never heard of a ferret before. She used to jump up and catch the curly telephone cord in her teeth and hang on for dear life as she bounced up and down in the air. She would push aerosol can lids all over the kitchen floor with her nose like a hockey puck. She would bounce around the room and chatter at us when she was playing or angry. One thing she never was was affectionate. We bought her from a breeder, and in those days you were expected to hand tame your ferret yourself without training. There really were not even any ferret books to refer to. She would bite us sometimes and draw blood, and almost always would bite strangers.
I remember one night, J and I went to the HEB (I may have posted this before) and bought two items: one bottle of pink champagne and a banana. It wasn't until we were standing in the checkout line that we figured out how obscene we probably looked. The banana was for the ferret. She would eat the banana so that we could keep her still long enough to clip her nails.
Or there is the time that she was spending an incredible amount of time in our closet, sleeping in the bag of stuffed animals. One night I heard scratching in the closet, and Shasta was NOT in there. I don't think J believed me. Fast forward a few days, and we BOTH heard the scratching! Again, Shasta was NOT in there. We opened the closet door, and hanging upside down from one of the clothes hangers was a baby possum. I think I almost peed in my pants. I swear that thing hissed at me. Shasta had been hanging out in the closet with the possum.
So we (probably J) goes next door (we are out in the country and neighbors are a bunch of rednecks) and gets the neighbor, who probably wanted to bring his gun. He ended up chasing the possum all over our trailer. It went up and down the legs of our kitchen table at one point, did its fake fainting froth at the mouth routine. He ended up beating it to death with a stick. Now, ferrets, at that time at least, were not allowed to get rabies shots so that's why we had the possum killed. We had to send "the body" to a university for rabies testing, but this was a Friday night, and my parents were coming the next day. What to do with "the body"? We put it in the freezer, of course, and I was just praying that my parents would have no reason to enter said freezer.
When Shasta was about six months old, she went into heat, which is unusual for a ferret. But we found out later that when a ferret's days become longer than its nights, it goes into heat. We had been keeping a light on her cage all this time to keep her warm at night, so she was fooled into going into heat. Ferrets can get cancer if they are not bred after going into heat, so we decided to get her spayed. We drove all the way to San Antonio to one of the only vets who would spay ferrets, dropped her off, picked her up the next day. About five days later, it was time to get her stitches out, and for some reason it appeared that she was in heat again. Drove all the way back to San Antonio. I will never forget the lady saying, "Is this the ferret that we spayed or descented?" We said, "spayed." She said, "Then why are this ferret's stitches in her butt?" Oh, man... they had descented her, not spayed her. So we go through this whole thing about how she was supposed to be spayed, not descented, and we are college students and don't have the money to spay her, plus it was THEIR fault, and she would have to go under anaesthesia again, poor thing, and that they should spay her for free. Well, that vet knew that he was about the only vet around for a long distance who even spayed ferrets, so he made us pay half of the spaying. We probably had to borrow that money or eat very little for awhile. Anyway, it all worked out in the "end." Ha ha.
During the party, J did manage to put her arm around me a few times. The room was quite dark, but I'm pretty sure a few of her friends noticed. It felt good to be recognized as being with her. There were a couple of jealous moments for me at the table, but later last night, as I was watching her fall asleep, I said to myself, "I'm so glad you came home with me."
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
I remember when I was in about sixth grade, my mom told me about how some girls try to kiss girls, and that this was not okay. Did I believe her? I kissed J six years later. Why did I go against what my mother stated? It was never really discussed in our church, and my mom only mentioned it that one time, I think because I was extremely close to one of my elementary teachers, even up until her death when I was in college. This time with my mother was the only time I ever remember it mentioned in my whole growing up.
My kids are having a TERRIBLE time accepting that I am with a woman. From the way their therapist describes it, it is not so much the idea that I left them, but that I left them to be with a woman sexually, which is totally opposite of the way their dad and I raised them. In their church it is openly discussed. Homosexuality is considered a sin right along with debauchery, promiscuity, etc. I realize that I have contributed to the brainwashing of my children. Somehow, some way, I wish I could shake it out of my kids and tell them, "Wake up! I am who I am. I have fought this harder than anyone. Do you think I really want to be looked down on by my friends and family? Do you really think I CHOSE my sexual orientation? Can't you stop and look at me as a person, rather than as a freak? Can you just for one second tell me that you accept me for who I really am and not for who you think or wish I was?" But the stage has already been set, and I helped set it. I was trying so hard to hide my feelings for J, that I purposely surrendered my children to a belief system that I myself could not uphold. And that is very sad. I think that is worse than anything I could have possibly done for them. I pray to God that somehow I or someone else will come alongside and undo the damage. They are good kids, polite kids. They would never say anything derogatory to someone's face. But I don't want them to believe that they or their beliefs are better than anyone else's. Their dad has told them that I made a choice and it is up to them to accept it. I pray that they will. My biggest fantasy is that one day they will want to meet J, have a friendly relationship with her, and realize how happy I am to finally be with her. I know that if they had met her some other way, they would have really liked her and enjoyed her company. They like many of the same kinds of movies, music, etc.
On a happier note, I spent a few hours with my 15-yr-old last night. Had an expensive dinner (at least for us). She talked and talked all about her life, her joys, her struggles, her future plans. The 18-yr-old actually came out to the car, and I was able to hug her. I told them both how beautiful they were and how much I had missed them and how much I love them. It had been over 2 months since the day I left them sleeping in their beds around 7:oo a.m. Bawling on the way out the front door, I remember telling myself to not look back, that I was doing the right thing. And as hard as it is to admit to myself, I did the right thing, for my husband, my kids, and myself. Now the "secret" is out, and I am living honestly for the first time in my entire life.
Monday, December 8, 2008
What are the possible side effects of zolpidem (Ambien) ?
Zolpidem may cause a severe allergic reaction. Stop taking zolpidem and get emergency medical help if you have any of these signs of an allergic reaction: hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat.
Stop using zolpidem and call your doctor at once if you have any of these serious side effects:
worsening sleep problems;
depressed mood, thoughts of hurting yourself;
unusual risk-taking behavior, decreased inhibitions, no fear of danger;
aggression, feeling agitated;
hallucinations, confusion, loss of personality.
Continue taking zolpidem and talk to your doctor if you have any of these less serious side effects:
daytime drowsiness, dizziness, weakness, feeling "drugged" or light-headed;
weakness, lack of coordination;
vivid or abnormal dreams;
diarrhea, nausea, vomiting;
headache, muscle pain; or
Side effects other than those listed here may also occur. Talk to your doctor about any side effect that seems unusual or that is especially bothersome.
Well, it's Monday, my least favorite day of the week. And I hate mornings. Last night I had my first hallucination, we're thinking from the Ambien I am taking. I kept trying to get up out of bed to go check it out, but J wouldn't let me cuz she said it wasn't there. It may be time to go back on Lunesta. If you take sleeping medication, which kind do you like?
Today I'm taking 15-yr-old dd to dinner. I was kind of hoping she would like to do more than dinner, but I guess it's best to start out slowly. Anyway, she has a final tomorrow, so she will need to get back and study.
Today is the first day that I will be driving the new wheels around by myself. Wish me luck. I think I may finally have gotten the hang of first gear but not reverse yet. And the very first thing I have to do this a.m. is back it out of the parking space. I picture myself sitting there for hours, frustrated, dying for a Sonic drink, eventually calling in to work that I cannot come in today because my car is not working. Never mind that I have my old car parked nearby.
Guess I should get off the computer now to give myself some extra practice time.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Today J left me at home on the couch to nurse my spinning head while she did the weekly grocery shopping. I hate grocery shopping, so that was a convenient time for a hangover if there ever was one. Later, she and I went for a long spin in our new vehicle (see post below). We went to World Market and got some great deals. Then I drove her out to see where my school is, getting lost along the way because I was so busy trying to find first gear. Then we went to Walgreen's. I want to watch Amazing Race tonight, and we may watch a movie.
Tomorrow I get to see my 15-yr-old for the first time in 8 weeks! I am taking her to The Cheesecake Factory. She has even invited me to see her perform in Narnia!
We have another party Wednesday night in Houston. J is sending a taxi cab to pick me up from home so that we can meet there and ride home together. I don't think I've ever ridden in one, maybe once in Mexico, now that I think about it.
We have new neighbors above us and now new neighbors across the hall. There goes our peace and quiet that we have enjoyed for over a month.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Here is a pic of what our new wheels are going to look like, a 2004 Saturn Vue. I will be driving it. J doesn't want me driving back and forth to work in an 11-year-old car with no a/c and no ability to roll down the window. It is manual, LOL. I'll be okay once I figure out how to get it in 1st gear. I drove it Saturday and did pretty well. Not looking forward to the first time I have to put it in "reverse", though.
J and I have been dealing with families who are still in denial. It has been seven weeks since we moved in together. I guess we were fooling ourselves when we thought it wouldn't take this long -- not to accept us but to at least want to talk to us. Actually, J's family is talking to her, just avoiding the subject of "us."
If you read FG's comment on my last post, she talked about isolation. That is one of the things that led to our breakup 23 years ago. It is not good for ANYBODY. Sometimes now I feel isolated, even though we really are not. J reminds me that we do have friends; we just don't see them very often. I look on my incoming/outgoing phone calls on my cell, and the only name there is "J." Sometimes it REALLY hurts. But then I start thinking, "There is no other name that I would rather see." And then it hits me, we are not isolating ourselves like we were in college; everyone else is isolating us. The shoes are on the other feet. They are the ones who feel uncomfortable, not us. They may be even feeling a bit guilty. Guilty for all of the years J and I missed because they did not accept us then. We can show them by being happy, and that is what we are going to be, with or without them.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
This is a photograph of Smith Hall, the location of our said second false breakup below. Here is a description of the dorm from the Texas State website:
Smith Hall. Located near the library, Smith Hall sits high on the hill overlooking the campus. Residents are divided among three buildings with a community bath for a closer community. (Community bath for a closer community? I'll say... two showers in one. In order to get to the back shower, you had to go through the first person's shower stall. That feature clinched this dorm selection for us.
I remember high school marching band practice in the early mornings, in the fall; it was terribly cold at 6:30-7:00 a.m. Somehow I always managed to "forget" my jacket, and J would lend me hers. I loved wearing her jacket; it made me feel so warm, so comfortable, so safe. To me, it fit perfectly. I wanted to wear it all day.
I am going out of order here, as I'm sure I will often, but it must have been late fall, early winter. We were on the marching field. I was not wearing her jacket because we had "broken up" our friendship, our first false breakup. I remember thinking how I just wanted to ask for her jacket back; then everything would be back to normal again.
What happened was this: we were in my bedroom. We were hugging - in a long embrace, mind you, but a hug nonetheless. We had been "hugging" for quite awhile. We used to go to her dad's office in the garage after school and just hold each other for at least 45 minutes to an hour at a time, and we literally had NO CLUE why -- well, at least I know that I didn't. It just was where I wanted to be. All day long at school, all I could think about was the bell ringing and getting over to her house so that I could be in her arms. Anyway, we were in my bedroom hugging, and my dad walked in. Instinct just caused us to jump back. My dad got very upset. I don't remember anything he said to us, but he called J's dad and told him that he was concerned about the two of us. I cannot even imagine the conversation the two had, but I remember J's dad being very defensive. So J and I talked and decided that maybe we were too "dependent" (ha ha) on each other as friends and decided to break up the friendship. We were miserable, and I doubt we even made it through the day.
Our second false breakup was in college, spring semester of 1981. We decided to call it off for one stupid reason or another. We were in the dorm, Smith Hall. She went to one twin bed, I went to another. I think we made it 30 minutes. I'm sure I was the one crying, and J was the one who came over to me and said, "This isn't going to work." Duh.
Our third false breakup was this year. I sent J an email and told her we were just going to have to wait three years. She wrote me back and said, " I'm sorry you feel this way. I will wait for you." I think we made it a few hours. Again, we were both miserable.
For those who think that our relationship is a fluke, something that will pass in a few months, a few years, you are wrong. We have fought to hide and later to destroy our feelings for one another; it never worked. Those feelings have been there since Day One, and they have never been minuscule. I know for me there was never even a "crush." I wish I could explain it. I have had people in my past and present who have asked, "What is it about J? Why do you love her so much? Why are you willing to literally give up all of your material possessions and your friends and your family in order to be with her?" And my answer to that is simply, "I don't know. I just know that I will never be complete without her. It has been that why since the day I looked up and she was watching me play that stupid football game, and I have no clue why."
I was so young and so naive back then. J tried to tell me many times in her own way how she felt about me. One day she played a 45 rpm record for me (yes, a 45). She told me she was dedicating the song to me, but for me to not listen to the part about "kissing your lips" or "I'm in love." But everything else in the song was dedicated to me. "Oh, and don't listen to the part about waking up next to you and looking in your eyes, either. You have green eyes anyway, not brown ones." Okay. And on and on about the "don't listen to the part about..." Well, by the time I listened to the song, there wasn't much left of it. LOL And, once again, it didn't hit me how she felt or how I felt. I think I was simply in denial at that point. By the way, the name of that song is "You're My Everything."And everytime she plays it for me, she has to hold me tight against her because I bawl like a baby. And I want it played at our commitment ceremony.
She took me out for chicken fried steaks for lunch. By that time, I was not feeling well, so I guess I was a bit testy. We were sitting in the restaurant, and an old man walked past our table on his way back from the restroom, and he gave us a bad look. J couldn't see it cuz her back was to him. After a few minutes, I overheard him say to his wife something to the effect of, "those two dykes sitting over there." It REALLY upset me. J asked me what he said, but I didn't want to tell her. I was afraid she would go over to him. When he left, she said that, had she known what he had said, she would have told him, "At least I'm not with an asshole like you!"
I told J that, even though we think it has, things have not really changed over the past 30 years. Yeah, we have friends who accept us, but there will ALWAYS be prejudiced people who don't even know us as people who will sling derogatory names at us. We weren't doing anything to this man. It is really taking me awhile to shake this moment.
Fast forward to today, a TOTALLY opposite experience, going to lunch with friends after our photo shoot. Everyone at the table laughing and including us in their conversation, urging us to do a commitment ceremony in February. It just made everything better.
I will post photos from our photo shoot as soon as I get them. I was very uncomfortable, not because we were together, outside, in the public, but because I don't like having my picture taken AT ALL!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
My husband took my two daughters out of state for the week to give them some time with relatives they have not seen in awhile. My parents did not invite me to their home for Thanksgiving. Today, around 2:00 p.m. will sit down with my grandmother and my brother and sister-in-law for our very traditional Thanksgiving dinner. I am hurt. I know I shouldn't be surprised, but a couple of weeks ago they invited me over to see them. My dad asked me what I was doing for Thanksgiving; I said, "I don't know," half-hoping he would say, "Well, if you're not doing anything, want to come up here?" But he didn't.
I know that I should stop feeling sorry for myself and give the rest of the holiday to J; but, you see, this is precisely why we broke up 23 years ago -- we were so young and not ready to allow our family members to turn their backs on us for being in love. Now, 30 years later, you would think that they would try to (not accept us), but at least be able to handle me being in the room with them on Thanksgiving, and I'm talking alone, not as a couple. I know part of the problem is because I left my kids, not just that I have chosen this lifestyle. But, you have to understand, (and I thought they did), that I would not have been alive on this earth much longer if I would have kept going the way I was going.
I have been reading some of your blogs, linked via Butch Girlcat and Freedom Girl. I find that I click on a link, which takes me to another one, and then another one. All of a sudden, I am on blogs that focus strictly on sex with other women, many of whom have multiple partners. Is that what makes you a lesbian? That is not me, and that is not J. We are in it for love. I dont' even look at other women that way. What does that make me? Am I not a part of your community? Where do I belong? Now, I'm not trying to put you women down or say that we are better than you. I just know that today, J and I were in bed, and the last thing I wanted to do was have sex. I wanted to be held in her arms until the end of time. Period. So I am not going to anymore of those links today. I am already depressed. I will just sit here and surf other places until my sweet J comes home to me.
For those of you who visit, if you have any blogs that are not so focused on sex (like Leo's and FG's and some others I can't think of at the moment), please let me know what they are. Thanks!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
I remember feeling this way during high school with her, like letting her go to her first class was going to absolutely kill me. And I remember feeling this way in college FOR AWHILE. Maybe it's the newness of being back together. I hope not. We had a lot of issues in college, I think the worst being that we were extremely isolated from other people. We spent a lot of time and energy covering our relationship up so no one would find out. I think somewhere along the line we literally wore ourselves out emotionally. I am glad we were together for so long, but, I tell you, if that were the case now at my age, there is no way I could do it.
But back to love or obsession. Sometimes I feel that I am hourding J as mine, that I don't want to share her with anyone else. It's not a jealousy, really. It is more of, "Don't you people understand? I have been without her for 23 years! Leave us alone for the next 23 why don't you! Why do we have to go to work or to see family?" But, really, I don't want us to be left alone. We were alone all weekend in San Marcos; but, to be honest, by Sunday, I was ready for us to get back to our new home.
I will see J in one hour and fifteen minutes -- see, I am counting down! I don't know how to describe it any other way; I am comfortable with her. I tell her often, "Please don't die!" She laughs and says I'm silly, that she is in good health. But, honestly, I don't know what I would ever do without her in my life. You decide - am I in love or obsessed?
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
One day that summer, for some unknown reason (must have been fate), I needed something to do. Out of the total blue, I called J and asked her if she would like to go to lunch. Now, you have to remember, she and I were NOT friends; we did not hang out together. Why would I pick her above other people? Somewhere beneath me there must have been a voice telling me to call her. She does not know this (but she will after having read this blog), but I consider this to have been our "first date."
I picked her up at her house. I remember it being a very hot, humid day, as it always is in Houston in the middle of the summer. I still remember her telling me over the phone to come through the gate to the back door. She was there to greet me. We went to Whataburger, which was closer to my house, actually. I can still remember which side of the restaurant we sat on. I have no clue what we talked about, how long the "date" lasted, or how it ended. I don't know if I even called her after that for the rest of the summer. But whenever I think of J (and she doesn't know this), I still think of her as the 17-year-old girl that I drove to lunch one day and probably could not keep my eyes off of.
Monday, November 24, 2008
J says that she was 16 when she first noticed me. I don't even remember that, and it makes me feel bad. I was dating guys, of course, trying to fit in with all of my friends. When we were 17, we went on a band trip to Concan, Texas. If you have never been there, you should go. It is on the Frio River. I remember her on the bus on the trip up there. I was not feeling well on the trip. She had an electronic football game (I didn't even like football at that time). Sometime during the trip, she started letting me play the game. I must have played it all weekend. When you got a touchdown, the game would play a little song. It was catchy, and I would hum it every time it played. And, for some reason, every time it played, I would look J's way. She would just be sitting there, with her arms crossed in front of her, looking at me and laughing and smiling. Every single time. I can still remember it like it was yesterday. That was the beginning for me, of falling in love, even though I didn't know it at the time. It was May of 1979. It was the beginning of a love I could never shake, an endless love.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
It was November 22, 1980. We were both 18 years old. J had come to San Marcos to visit me at college for the weekend. Instead of staying in my dorm, we went to a motel for the night of November 21st. At around 5:30 the morning of the 22nd, J turned to me and asked me to marry her. How could I say "no"? She was my entire life. At exactly 5:45 a.m. we said our vows to one another. I don't remember exactly what we said, but I remember being ecstatically happy. Later on, it made me kind of sad because I couldn't tell anyone about being united with my soulmate.
Friday night, J and I went away for the weekend, back to San Marcos, where we lived together for three years. (We were a couple for five of those years) When we got to Luling, about 24 miles from San Marcos, I started to cry. As soon as we exited the interstate, everything started to come back. We passed Stairtown, which still smells awful. I was trying to hold back the tears, having stopped crying from the first time. And then I saw them, the lights of Martindale, population 953, where we had lived together at one point in a tiny trailer. I have lots of stories to tell from living there. On our way home from Houston on Sunday nights, I had always anxiously looked for those lights, a place where I longed to be. We drove past twice. The trailer is no longer there, but I just couldn't help it. I just kept crying. J says that of all the places we visited over the weekend, Martindale is where I got the most emotional. I am not sure why. We moved to Martindale, I believe, to isolate ourselves further from people who we thought did not accept us.
We got to San Marcos around 8:30 p.m. Friday night. The hotel was fabulous. I could have spent the night in the lobby and been happy. We ordered room service and had a very romantic evening.
Saturday we went to the trailer park. This was our first home off campus; and, believe it or not, 29 years later, the trailer is still there. I think it looks better than it did when we lived there! It was a dump back then. I think we paid about $200 a month for it. #67. Wow, it must be 40 to 45 years old! It has held up better than me!
We then drove through the edge of campus, and J found the place where we both used to work. I could not believe she remembered how to get to that house!
Then we drove to Devil's Backbone. If you are in the San Marcos/Wimberely area, this is a place you must see. Our favorite "picnic area" is still there with a lookout of a breathtaking view, especially when you are with the one you love.
We then proceeded back to town to hunt for our old apartment, the last place we lived together, the place of our breaking up. I had been to San Marcos in August and drove around in circles trying to find it but couldn't. J found it on the second try!!!! I could not get emotional about this place. While it was one of my favorite places to live, it held a bad memory for me, and I just could not connect with my feelings at that point.
We then visited Gil's Broiler, Home of the Manske Roll. I COULD NOT believe it was still there, but J said that places like that never close. We had a Manske Roll for lunch. Simply marvelous.
We went back to the hotel for a nap and then to one of our most favorite restaurants in town, a romantic spot called Palmer's. They don't have fried mushrooms anymore, but the strawberry dacquiris where great! I could not remember the inside of the restaurant, but J remembered everything, even the fireplace. How in the world we saved up enough money in college to go there is beyond me. It was very romantic, and J said that a couple of people were looking at us. I LIKE THAT A LOT!!!! I love people knowing that we are together as a couple.
Today we went to Grin's for lunch, the best place in San Marcos for a hamburger and wine coolers! Then we went to Aquarena Center, formally Aquarena Springs, which, to me, was depressing. We spent a lot of time there back then, just walking around and talking. It is not the same anymore, and if I wrote about the changes, I would start bawling, so let's just leave it at that. I wrote our initials on the bridge, near where they used to be, but it did not cheer me up. A helluva way to end a beautiful weekend.
J thought that I would cry as we were leaving town, but I purposely read the university newspaper as we made our way back to I-10. It was a weekend to remember always. It could not have been any more special. We have made new memories that we will never forget. I love San Marcos because of the time we spent together, and now we are talking about retiring near there. That would be a dream come true for me. I'm ready to move now!!!!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Six weeks ago I made a life-changing decision. I willfully left my husband of almost 19 years and my two daughters, ages 15 and 18, to be with the one who I have always been destined to be with. This blog will be an account of the journey I have made, the decision that I have made, which has affected countless individuals - my husband, my children, my parents, my family, my friends, myself and J. How could I do this, you may ask. How could I leave my own flesh and blood? I ask myself that question daily. But then I ask myself, "How could I not?" Hopefully, through this blog you will begin to consider what it has been like for me to live for 23 years without my "Endless Love". I don't expect for you to agree with my decision, just to listen and comment as you wish. And maybe, just maybe, you will wish J and I well; because, you see, we have always been meant to be together -- I know that when I look into her eyes. No one will ever love me as much as she does, nowhere else in the world do I feel safe and comfortable. For once in my life, I am where I want to be.