Friday, December 30, 2011

We're Back

You guys saw photos of the cottage we stayed in. It was adorable. Next time, though, we will be sure to get one with a standing shower, not a handheld shower. There IS a difference!

This first two photos were taken on the front porch of the cottage.

This is us with my old college roommate, the one who kept me in line while I was away from J for a year. If you're ever in San Marcos, Texas, you must stop at Grin's for a burger!

This is me with our high school band director. She taught me the love of music and was one of the best marching band directors in the south, I believe, probably the country. This picture was taken in historic Gruene, Texas. A visit to the Gristmill Restaurant on the Guadalupe River is an absolute must. I loved my Rainbow Trout!

J and I wish you a happy and healthy 2012!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

We are off to the Hill Country for a few days! Nothing like reminiscing to lift the holiday blues!!! We are staying at a cottage in Gruene, Texas. Check it out!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I loved this game. I can still remember dropping the ball down the chimney and watching it roll down the staircase. I would drop it over and over and over again for what seemed like hours. What, did I think something different would happen? It could only go four ways.

I loved putting the board together. I remember once when I wasn't gentle enough, I tore the end of one of the panels. After that, I had to be careful attaching that panel to the board so it wouldn't rip any more. The things you remember as a child.

My Daughter, The Songtress

Here's a song K18 is planning to record with her BFF. Their duo is called Pink Lemonade. Take a listen. They have a FB page. K18 is on the left.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Four and a Half More Days

On Friday afternoon, I will be free until 2012! Look for a post on my Around and Around blog for an update. I am so ready for the Christmas season to be OVER!!!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Sunday, December 4, 2011

In Public

J and I went to our first Houston Texans game today and it was great! She won the tickets at work; they were on field level. It was fantastic because the Texans won again; they are in first place for the first time in franchise history. But something else made the day even greater.

The seats were so close together that sitting in our seats with our hands in our laps was basically out of the question, so she spent most of the game with her arm around me - in public!!! You probably think nothing of this, but let me tell you that J NEVER shows public displays of affection - EVER!

While we were sitting there, I went back in time. In the 1980's, even if our seats had been so close together, she would have found a way to have not put her arm around me, even if it killed her. We were that scared to be found out. She would not have, like she did today, grabbed on to me in the crowd to keep us from getting separated. If she would have been caught doing either of the above, we would have been sent home from high school or possibly kicked out of the college dorm. It just wasn't acceptable.

Today, I looked at the people beside us and behind us, and they were all grinning. They were having a good time; they could have cared less that we were obviously a couple. I love living life with J in the year 2011!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

What's New Pussycat?

Whoa whoa whoa... whoa.

I haven't really posted much about our lives lately. Here are ten things happening with us:

1. I am now down to one job (teaching) and consulting work (home education) as requested. I officially turned in my keys and security card to my old boss today. I am so glad that chapter of my life is over. J filled in at his office for three weeks until he hired a replacement for my replacement. Long story that I can't blog about. J is now working two contract jobs; one is from home.

2. I have been "in charge" of the upper elementary class this week while the lead teacher is out of the country training other Montessorians. Things are going really well. I actually feel more relaxed while she's away, I guess because I can do things my way - and they are working! Before she left, she gave me permission to try some new procedures to manage the class of thirty-five 4th, 5th, and 6th graders. Not sure what's going to happen when she returns next week. Will she keep my changes or not? Our assistant says she will "back me up." We shall see. I'll keep you posted on that one.

3. J and I would like to visit Savannah, Georgia during the Christmas holidays. Anyone have suggestions about what to do there?

4. My girls were away for Thanksgiving to see the ex's family in Arkansas. Missed them so much. Not sure when I will see them again. Probaly at the hospital (see next item).

5. I am going to be an aunt one week from today! My first time ever, a baby girl. They are naming her Abigail - calling her Abbi.

6. The T.V. shows I have been watching are: Parenthood, Harry's Law (not my favorite), The Closer, Rizzoli & Isles, Chopped, Next Iron Chef, Survivor (barely getting through it), and, of course, The Amazing Race! We don't watch many shows at their appointed time. The DVR has become my best friend. I am really interested in watching Being Chaz and I am Jazz. They are taped for when time allows. I also have a Dr. Phil episode on cults taped. I have always found the subject of cults fascinating.

7. Did you ever notice that when you order an old sitcom from Netflix, it doesn't turn out to be as good as you thought it was the first time? Some clunkers have been: The Lucy Show, My Three Sons Season 1, Ellen Season 1, Love Boat, and Fantasy Island. I mean, how did we watch this garbage? We are going to try Ellen Season 2 next.

8. I worked on my novel a bit over the holidays. Thanks to my readers who joined my Facebook page for Reverse Skate. I appreciate the support.

9. My car will be one year old on December 30th. I am almost at 1,000 miles.

10. My paternal grandma turned 95 on November 1st, and my maternal grandmother will be turning 93 in March.

Well, it's time to get my creative writing lessons done for tomorrow. I hope all my American readers had a great Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Please Throw Me Some Balls!

To the cashier at the grocery store yesterday: I got over the fact that you ripped the bottle of wine right out of my hand and exclaimed, "You can't buy that before noon!" And I am happy to say that none of my eggs were broken after you slammed the 6-pack of Cokes on top of them. Neener neener. Be glad I didn't report you.

I was so angry yesterday at the store, I had to call J and ask her to calm me down. The last time I remember being angry in public was at the same grocery chain, different location. The cashier thought J and I were trying to steal some 2-liter diet sodas and it was downhill after that. I know there is a blog post about this somewhere. We really should have reported the jerk. What keeps me from reporting people ? I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe they are having a bad day.

It's not like I don't have time to go to the manager, although my cold groceries might suffer. I simply do not like confrontations. Okay. Truth. I am AFRAID of confrontations. I think this is something I need to conquer. I am feeling the urge to write to the store after the fact. Will it do any good? Probably not, but I think it might make me feel better.

The only time I remember getting vocally angry in a store was when I was at Circuit City for the umpteenth time, trying to get them to help me with the piece of crap they sold me; they called it a computer. Me and a friend of mine stood at the entrance of customer service at the front of the store, and as people walked in, I said to them, "You don't want to buy anything here!!!" If my friend had not been with me, I wouldn't have done it. I need balls. How do I get them??

Today I was supposed to come in for an hour or so to train the replacement for my replacement (that's another blog entry altogether). The girl called in sick, and I ended up staying the whole day. This was supposed to be my vacation. I was supposed to have gone to get bloodwork today. And now I have been informed by my ex-boss that I need to come in tomorrow to train the girl. It's her fourth day of work and she has managed to be present 1 1/2 days so far. Why can't I just say to him, "You know, this is my vacation. I really hadn't planned to come in this week at all. If she had come in all three days last week like she was supposed to, she would have been almost completely trained by now." I need balls!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

A Humble Plea to My Readers

I have started working on my novel again since I have some time off during the Thanksgiving holidays. I also have two weeks off for Christmas! This is a great time of year for me to write because most of the abuse happened during the holidays. Please take a moment and "like" my Facebook page for Reverse Skate. I could really use the encouragement right now. Feel free to pass the link along to anyone you know who might be interested in reading a story regarding sexual abuse and/or OCD. My goal is to complete the book in 2012. Thanks!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

San Antonio Trip 2011

J and I went to San Antonio this weekend for a nic getaway. We stayed at the Menger Hotel, the hotel where Teddy Roosevelt rounded up the Rough Riders. It is said to be haunted by many ghosts, his included. Didn't see any, but here are some photos I took along the way. We had a wonderful time together. Can't wait to go away on our next excursion, possibly to Austin.

The Menger Bar - one of the most popular historic bars in the U.S.

Beautiful Cherrywood!

The Menger as it looks today:

The Menger as it looked years ago:

Bug candy in the gift shop: larvae, crickets, and ants

Telephone booths
J and I at Mi Tierra Cafe and Bakery

House Phones in the Lobby

The View from Our Balcony

Which way to Room 5125?

Me, anxiously waiting for J to say we are on our way to S.A.!!

Thank you, baby, for a wonderful trip I will always remember. Sorry I spilt Diet Dr. Pepper all over the place, including your shoes. The Menger Bar was wonderful and relaxing. The cab rides were fun. Thank you for going to the River Center Mall with me to Primarily Purple. I know it was torture for you. The trip to Gruene was short but sweet. Thank you for the earrings, the keyring and the new traveling hat you picked out especially for me. And, of course, thank you for stopping by San Marcos and Martindale, my favorite places in the entire world, even if they make me cry. I hope our retirement dream comes true one day!



P.S. You look beautiful in your purple polo!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Monday, September 5, 2011

I Made It Through

I made it through three days of camping with 33 kids. It was really a blast once I was told I could have brought caffeine (diet coke) with me. A lady drove me up to the conference center and I raided the vending machine.

While I can't tell you much about the trip for privacy reasons, I will tell you that I shot a bow and arrow for the first time and actually held a 6-ft black rat snake in my hand. Next year (if I am still working there), I plan to tackle the rock wall.

This Labor Day weekend has gone way too fast, but I have had some time with my baby so I am happy about that. I hope everyone out there is relaxing today, not working, although I am working on a lesson I must give on Wednesday and trying to coax the printer to print just one more page before having to replace an ink cartridge.

Monday, August 29, 2011

My First and Last Trip to the Balcony

Last week (Tuesday or Wednesday) it was beginning to rain in Houston. Can you believe it? I went out on the balcony to see if I could salvage a pair of shoes I had thrown out there. Said shoes had dog poop on them from about six months ago when I took a friend's dog out for a walk. That is how long it has been since we have had a good rain, to my knowledge.This was the first time I had actually walked out onto the balcony, and it will be my last.

Not thinking, I closed the sliding glass door behind me, thinking it was the screen door. As soon as I closed it, I knew I had made a major mistake. Click, thud. The Charlie bar came down and locked me out, on the balcony, all alone. J was not coming home that night. Couldn't reach her. I was stuck. We face another apartment complex and a bank. There are never any people below, but I yelled over the edge for the hell of it, "Help!" No one was around. No one answered. I began to panic a bit. I threw one of said shoes down below to try to hit our downstairs' neighbor's window. Missed the window. I saw something in their window that said, "Texas A & M." I began yelling, "Hey, Texas A & M! Hey, Aggies!" No reply.

I called the apartment complex, even though it was nighttime and I knew they don't do lockouts. The lady answering the phone said, "We only do lockouts for elderly and disabled people." I said, "Does 49 and a half count?" I was trying to keep my sense of humor. She finally called someone from the other side of town and told me to be patient. She said he would drive out here, go to the office and get our key.

I waited for what seemed like eternity. I was tempted to surf Facebook or play solitaire on my phone, but my phone battery was low. We are on the second floor. Trust me, if there had not been an endless concrete wall below, I might have jumped while waiting. Later, I finally heard someone at our front door, trying over and over to open it with a key. He could not get in. "How stupid," I thought to myself. "He can't get in the apartment!" I had locked the deadbolt lock from inside. I was literally locked outside from the inside.

I heard the nice man, Mike, from down below the balcony, "Hello! I can't get in your front door. The dead bolt must be locked." When I asked him how he planned on getting me down, he said, "I think we should call the fire department." I yelled down at him, "Don't call the fire department! I'm already embarrassed enough!" What made it worse was that the apartment manager called me and laughed. She found the situation quite humorous.

I told Mike, "I have a metal chair up here. Shouldn't I just break a window?" He advised me not to, stating that it would add to the cost of my rescue. He said he would find a tall ladder, put it in the flower bed on the first floor and cut a small hole in our front bedroom window so that he could unlock it and go in that way. As luck would have it, the bedroom window was unlocked. It doesn't seem safe, but I was quite relieved. I'm pretty sure that a burglar with a long extension ladder would have been noticed if one had ever tried to break in.

Long story over, "Mike" got in an saved my life. I say that because if I had not had my cell phone with me, I would not have been found until morning when I hadn't shown up for work. If I had needed medication overnight or had a heart attack or anything serious, I would possibly be dead by the time someone had found me. Anyone wondering if a Charlie bar works or not, trust me, it does. And now I cannot even go near the balcony door. And I still do not find the situation humorous.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

The Countdown Begins...

3-2-1. School starts on Monday. Whoa, let me back up. In Montessori our parent/teacher conferences actually include the students so that they can be accountable for their learning and all three of us (parent/student/teacher) are on the same page. There are no surprises. There are no secrets. So I have enjoyed getting to know these great kids this week, along with their parents. I already know so much about each child - their interests, strengths/weaknesses, their goals - which totally excites me! Now, ask me at the end of next week and it may be a different story - and also at the end of Week 2 when we take them all camping for three days in this God awful heat.

Also, I have what they think may be a UTI. I am praying it is on its way out by Monday! Some of the responsibilities that I have been given are to check 4th and 5th grade homework every day; give spelling and handwriting lessons to 4th and 5th; make sure all grade levels know their multiplication and division tables (this includes giving them timed tests and follow-up work as needed); check 4th grade math classwork and some 5th and 6th grade language; to teach creative writing and poetry to all grades; to give 4th grade math lessons; to present a country in Africa (we received a Smart Board for a donation to give presentations on - too cool!); to mummify a chicken with the entire class after we visit the King Tut exhibit; and to be responsible for making sure that all 6th graders have their work done by Friday. I volunteered for quite a few of these responsibilities, which I am hoping will show initiative on my part.

It sounds like a lot, but I have a list taped to my teaching table to keep me on track.

On the homefront, J's mom is doing great after a knee replacement on Wednesday and is coming home today! I hate not seeing J much, but I am so happy for her mom! This surgery will change her life.

Today I am going to visit both gmas and also spend some time with K18, who is successfully on her way with Mary Kay. She turned in her first real order last night, which makes her an official MK beauty consultant. She also informed me that she is subbing for the real "Marian, the Librarian" during rehearsals for the Music Man, because the girl is ill. That role was made for K18. I could thump her in the head for not auditioning for that role.

I am still working contract for my old boss. My replacement is not working out and I am stressing over the fact that he is not happy with her work at all and with the thought of what will happen should he choose to let her go. I am already trying to do my job at the school and make up for what she isn't getting done. I thought I could handle the two positions, but my heart just isn't in it. I am ready to cut ties with him and put all of my energy and extra time into my class. I know that you will all agree with J and say that it isn't my problem, but I consider it my problem and I rarely let things go.

For any of you parents or teachers out there in cyberspace, I wish you/your students/your kids a great school year! You may not hear from me for awhile since I will be exhausted at the end of each day and have to get back into the groove of teaching!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

"K" is for my last name

My last name starts with a "K." I have such mixed feelings about this.

There are positives:
1) My last name is easy to spell. It is a male's name; everyone knows how to spell it. My maiden name was butchered more ways than you can imagine.
2) It is the last name of my children. I hesitate to change it for that very reason. I want a connection with my girls.

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to share J's last name. She said that her dad might have been okay with me having it, and I plan to change it to hers when my children are married and take on their husbands' surnames. When this will happen, I have no idea. I find myself extremely impatient for that.

"K" is my current identity. Hopefully, I can change it in a few years. It is like a monkey on my back. I just don't think I will be able to wait much longer. When I change my surname to "B", I think my coming out will be complete and I will see us as completely married.

Which brings me to my next issue: I don't think that marriage will be legal for us in our lifetime (Texas), so I hope in the near future that we will just bite the bullet and just do the whole name change thing. It may not seem important to most people, but to me it will be the final push. Taking J's surname means the world to me. Now that I am known by my first name at the school I am teaching at, even though I don't think it is respectful, the kids are not going to notice the change in my surname. I could lie and say it is my maiden name. My kids will only know if they see my driver's license. Is it worth the risk of my daughters feeling upset? Their father and I are divorced. Would it be any more difference than if I went back to my maiden name?

For those of you who have not been following our blog, the school I am teaching at is gay friendly. In our faculty directory, under each teacher's name, there is a place that reads "spouse/partner." Today I noticed that only one teacher out of about 30 has a partner listed. I want to be the second. This teacher is in the hospital with cancer right now, and the entire faculty is supporting her. It just doesn't seem to matter at all. Today everyone was sending cards, flowers and fruit baskets to the hospital. She is truly missed and appreciated. Our teacher handbook reads that no teacher shall be discrimintated against regardless of gender or sexual orientation. How many of you have changed your surname to that of your partner? Does it matter to you? It matters to me. I want to be connected to J in that way, forever. Comments here are greatly appreciated.

J is for "Joy"

J, I know you think I am going to say your name for "J." Ha ha. That would be too obvious. I have been struggling for the "J" word for about a month. I chose "joy" because you exhibit it in all that you do. You bring such joy to me and to others in your life. I have been told by others that your smile lights up a room. I couldn't say it any better than that.

When you smile, you do light up the room. Everyone seems comfortable with you. You never seem to meet a stranger. Even my youngest daughter, after struggling to meet you for almost three years, has noticed it, although she will never admit it. How can she help but like you? If everyone could know you, they would see what I and others see. You always seem happy, even when you aren't exactly happy. You don't wear your heart on your sleeve. I wish that I could be that way.

When we were in high school and college, I remember how you would make everyone feel comfortable around you. You are still that way. You are very approachable. You can be hard to get to know because, in your own way, you are shy. Your intelligence is sometimes intimidating, even to me at times. But you make everything seem so simple. For example, if you are approached with a problem, you appear not to panic and you just address it, head on. I love you for that. You don't analyze everything into the ground as I do.

You exhibit joy in everything you do. Joy for being alive. Joy for getting the job done well. Joy in taking on responsibilities, even when they are a burden and are not your responsibilities. You never let that "burden" show. I watch and try to learn from you.

I love you, J. Thanks for being someone whom I admire and strive to be like! Love, B

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

K18 Update

K18 came over on Sunday; K21 chose to stay home and be bored (Her Facebook post reflected this boredom.). Oh, well, her choice. J and I took K18 out to dinner at Spaghetti Western, and she got to ride in the back seat of J's new Mustang. The two of them talked a lot at dinner. I was beaming inside the whole time.

We bought K18 a Mary Kay starter kit. She starts on August 15th. I am excited for her and hope she can make a little extra cash for school. She accepted a marketing internship and has to help raise $100,000 by December for a theater group. She already has a job at the college bookstore. I am just afraid she is spreading herself too thin.

I am now officially on the payroll of the school and start back August 8th. We have 35 kids, 2 teachers and one assistant. That is all I will say to keep my (and the students') privacy. You may hear me reference students' comments from time to time, but no names will ever be mentioned here.

I am at the lake for the next couple of days, spending time with my parents and two grandmothers. One grandmother is jealous of the other, so it has been quite interesting so far trying to divide my time.

Did the first day of Couch24k this morning at 8:00 a.m. It was already close to 100 degrees when I returned to the house. I am going to continue bugging the office about getting a new treadmill. No one should have to walk/jog in this heat. It's outrageous.

J, if you are reading this, I miss you so much, and can't wait to see you on Thursday when I return.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

I Am Having a Wonderful Day!

1) Yesterday ended the last full week of my job. I am going in all day Monday and then working part-time from home for awhile in addition to my new job. That will give us some extra cash flow until J can go back to work. She is taking a break until her mom has her surgery.

2) K18 called me this morning and said she had some happy news from last night and was just dying to tell someone (me). She chose me to tell the news to first. I was thrilled!

3) K18 invited herself over to give Mary Kay facials to our friends. She has never wanted to meet J, much less any of our friends.

4) K18 asked me if I wanted to get together with her tomorrow and suggested she come out here (about an hour's drive) and hang with me at our condo. I told her J might come home in the p.m. and she said, "That's okay. It doesn't matter to me." Now we will have to see if she brings K21 with her.

If you saw my earlier post about K18 meeting J for the first time, you will understand how happy I am! It seems like everything is rolling in the right direction for us where she is concerned.

Also, last week I took J to her mom's and lightning didn't strike me dead when I went inside her house and stayed for 3 minutes. Maybe next time I will stay for 10.

I start my new job at the school August 8th; the kids start August 22nd. Not excited yet. It hasn't hit me yet because I have so much to do to get ready. I hope all of you are having a wonderful day!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Alphabet Meme Via Come What May

A. Age
49 and holding

B Bed Size

C. Chore you hate.
Ironing is about the most boring chore I can think of.

D. Dogs.

E. Essential start of day.
Diet Coke or Diet Dr. Pepper

F. Favorite color.

G. Gold or silver.
I prefer gold but it is too expensive. Our wedding bands are gold, though.

H. Height.
5’9” but my driver’s license once read 5’10”. Wonder if I shrunk.

I. Instruments played.
Flute, guitar, and I used to play the organ with my dad. Wrote a song on the piano once when I was 15. I still remember how to play it.

J. Job title.
Currently office manager, but in less than two weeks I will be a teacher again!

K. Kids.
Two daughters ages 21 and as of today, 18. I was actually in full-blown labor at this time 18 yrs ago. Spent the first half of the day in the bathroom by myself, hiding from my nurse who wanted me hooked up to a fetal monitor on my left side. Not the greatest birth story.

L. Live.In Houston, and I hate it. But I will live anywhere for love.

M Mom's name.

N Nickname.
If I have one, I don’t know about it.

O. Overnight Hospital Stays.
Three times – each birth and once for food poisoning which induced early labor.

P. Pet Peeve
People with no basic manners like "please" and "thank you."

Q. Quote from a movie
“She is my match in every way.” Who can guess the movie?

R. Right or left handed?
Right, but I can write pretty well with my left hand.

S. Siblings.
One brother who is six years younger than I am and is going to be a father for the first time in December.

T. Time you wake up.
Literally, 6:30 a.m., but I don’t consider myself fully awake until around 11:00 a.m.

U. Underwear.

V. Vegetable you dislike.
It would be easier to list the ones I do like: potatoes, asparagus, brocolli, cauliflower (The last three MUST have a sauce of some sort on them.)

W. What makes you run late.
I seldom run late and I find tardiness to be extremely rude. I don’t mind being fashionably late, though.

X. X rays you have had done.
Six plus fingers, arm, elbow, hip

Y. Yummy food you make.
Chocolate chip cheeseball. If allowed, I would eat the entire thing with graham crackers.

Z. Zoo animal.
I could watch the sea lions swim back and forth all day.

Monday, July 18, 2011


I was never much into troll dolls growing up, but in high school, I found a used one with blue hair. Can't remember where I found "him", maybe at a garage sale or something. He had been badly worn and was holding what was left of a sign of some sort. He was so ugly, he was cute. I wrote on the sign in black marker "ILY," and that became his name. I gave him to you and you even brought him to college with you. Oh, the little things you remember. Wish I knew whatever happened to Ily. I have looked all over the internet trying to find him to no avail. The above photo is as close as I could get and it was pretty darn close! Always, remember, J, ILY!

Walking on Air

I am walking and dancing on air this morning. I have exactly ten days left on this job! And the best thing of all? My youngest met J last night for the first time and it went well! I have to commend both J and K17 for their bravery. I know they were BOTH extremely uncomfortable. J gave K17 several chances to leave our apartment before she came home, i.e. an hour warning, a 20-minute warning, and a 5-minute warning. LOL I kept expecting K17 to leave, especially when she teared up during the hour warning. But she stayed!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


Well, this weekend's plans have been postponed. J is not going to get to meet my grandma after all. When calling her to let her know what time I would pick her up on Saturday, my mother informed me that she had just hung up from my brother who has invited the whole family to his house Saturday for dinner. I'm trying not to be a wuss about it.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Today's Post From Around and Around

This post is doing double duty today.

I had a nightmare last night, one like I have not had in years. Maybe it's the medicine I'm taking, but I'm pretty sure it was a result of having watched part of the interview last night with Jaycee Dugard. When asked why she had never tried to run away, Jaycee replied with a simple "I don't know."

I didn't realize how much it troubled me until I woke up in the night from cold sweats. Jaycee suffers from what is called "Stockholm Syndrome." An emotional attachment to her captor. Look it up. It's real. While I don't have Stockholm Syndrome, I can very much relate to Jaycee because I had much love for the person who hurt me growing up. While I have many things to hate him for (my OCD, I believe, included), I still have a small percentage of disguised love sunken at the very bottom of my heart.

Bad memories are just like OCD - you push them away so deep inside that you forget they're there and then one day - poof! - they appear from nowhere. And I will attack them the way I have been taught to treat my OCD, by letting the feelings wash over me and go with them. And then they will vanish.



Sunday, July 10, 2011

Time for an Update

We have both been sick here for awhile. I was supposed to play softball today with the lesbian softball team but I am trying to get over this bronchitis. I have three more weeks at my job and then a few days off before I start at the school. I have lots of anxiety about both, but I know things will be fine once I actually start. I have a lot of studying to do before I start, which I keep putting off.

My replacement came from four choices: 1) a flight attendant who wants to change careers; 2) someone convicted of a felony, currently on appeal; 3) a recent college graduate who has no idea what she wants to do with her life; or 4) a woman who just got laid off who found the description of my position to be "overwhelming." Why should I care? Well, I have to train my replacement, so it matters to me. (He went with the flight attendant).

My girls and I are talking and I may see my youngest next weekend. Also, my grandma from Florida has officially moved here so I have both 90+ year old grandmas within an hour's distance from me. We may go get both of them next week and bring them here for dinner and to visit our apartment. Wish us luck!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Some Things You Never Forget

Some things you never forget. Do you remember the first time you ever sent or received a text message? I do. It was about five years ago. I was in a restaurant with my family and I texted to my brother, "This is my first text message." How original. He replied, "Isn't it cool?"

What about your first phone call? Do you remember that? I don't specifically remember the first call but I remember when I was about three years old. In the hallway of our house we had a phone "shelf" that held an old rotary phone, black and ugly. There wasn't a chair to sit in. I have memories of standing in that hallway in my footie pajamas with the phone up to my ear, not sure which way to hold the receiver. I remember hearing my grandpa on the other end saying, "Hello. Hello." and my parents saying, "Say something to your grandpa." A few years later, I actually understood what a phone was for. I would talk to "Santa" on the other end and tell him everything I wanted for Christmas.

I can't imagine now having to tie myself down to one room, not being able to carry a cordless phone around. Heck, I can't even imagine going anywhere in the world without my cell phone.

What's your first memory of the telephone?

Doris, your the one who inspired this post when you were posting about the size of old cordless phones. LOL

Saturday, June 18, 2011

"H" is for Helper

You give the expression "She'd give the shirt off her back" new meaning to me. In high school and college you offered help to me in so many ways it was unreal., never thinking once of yourself or how you could be effected by the consequences. I guess I just thought it was because you were so in love with me. You gave without ever thinking about it. And because I was so self-centered at that time in my life, I never really noticed how you helped other people.

But since getting back together with you in 2008, I see just how much you offer to and help other people, and that makes me love you even more. You rarely miss a birthday card to anyone. You help your mother so much, not out of obligation for being the oldest child, but because you truly love your mother and would never turn her down for anything. You even help those who have thought bad about you and I and have hurt your feelings tremendously. You have helped friend after friend, sometimes getting burned, but STILL looking at the possiblity of letting it go and rekindling those friendships. You give monetarily to charities and church, even when we are counting dollars towards the next paycheck. Around the house you do triple of your share, to the point of me sometimes taking advantage of you; and for that I am truly sorry.

Sometimes you tell me you are selfish, but I see you as the least selfish person I have ever known. I love you, J. Now you just need to do one more thing. Let others help you. :o)

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


Just a quick note to say that I was offered a teaching position and that J was also offered a position. I am putting my notice in next week. Since none of my local friends read this blog, I guess it will be okay to post the news here. If you are on my FB, please don't say anything until I make the announcement. Hopefully, things will be a lot less stressful around here. Thanks to all of you who have prayed or sent good thoughts my way for the past 1 1/2 years. God truly sent me the position of my dreams, I really do believe. And thanks to "The Other Mother" who made this school known to me. I can't thank you enough!


Friday, May 27, 2011

"G" is for Girlfriend

After spending just one summer with you, I became your girlfriend. We never said it outloud, but that's the way it was.

You have ALWAYS opened the door for me. (Now you open the door for all women, but I like to think that that gesture started because of me. )

During high school band practice in the early mornings, you would give me your jacket to wear. Sometimes I felt bad that you had to freeze and there I was so warm and comfortable in your jacket.

I was constantly looking over at you in the band room and at football games, hoping you were looking my way. You usually were.

My heart would skip a beat before opening my locker, hoping there would be a note from you.

I knew it wasn't "proper" and I wasn't even sure if you wanted to, but I remember wishing you would buy me a mum for the homecoming game.

On the way home, you would drive me all over my neighborhood stopping at each stop sign for a kiss.

We never wanted to be apart. We couldn't get enough of each other.

I still can't get enough of you, J, and I'll always be your girlfriend - if you want me to.

Monday, May 23, 2011

"F" is for Friend

We started out in high school as friends. It didn't take long for us to figure out that we would never, ever be just friends, but it is my favorite part of our relationship. No matter what we have been through over the past 32 + years, I knew that no matter how we had left it, I could have called you from anywhere at any time and you would have come in a heartbeat. That's just the way it has always been.

You are the most loyal friend I have ever known, to me and to others. You pick your friends carefully and wisely. I am so honored that you picked me and that our friendship grew into true love.

You are the best wife I could ever ask for, but more than anything, you will always be my best friend. I love you, J.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

More Ups Than Downs!

There are so many things to report, I don't know where to start.

UP - K17 graduated from high school yesterday and she has some college credits under her belt.

DOWN - My ex's sister and her living-in-sin boyfriend came down from Arkansas as a surprise. I was a nervous wreck seeing her for the first time since the split. We used to be really close.

UP - She and I talked a bit and it wasn't so bad after all. She always got along with everyone in my family and I think she was actually enjoying herself until the next thing happened.

MAJOR DOWN - The twelve of us were eating at Carraba's when my maternal grandmother had an episode. My mom who is a nurse and another customer in the restaurant couldn't find a pulse. Grandma looked like she was gone. Her eyes were open and she wasn't responding to anything. 911 was called.

UP - She finally came to after the paramedics arrived.

MAJOR UP - K17 freaked out when it happened. Instead of grabbing her dad sitting at her left, she turned to me and literally fell into my arms. I held her and told her not to look. She wanted me to hold and console her. She chose me! Me! In the midst of a nightmare, I was smiling inside. The rapture was supposed to have happened 15 minutes before, but she told me this was "worse than the end of the world." She told me to take her outside and she just kept holding on to me, sobbing.

DOWN - As soon as we got outside on the porch of the restaurant, she started frantically dialing her phone saying, "Pick up! Pick up!" I asked, "Who are you calling?" I should have known. She was calling her other "mom." She said, "I need her to pray!" Thankfully, the lady didn't pick up the phone, so I held K17 and prayed for my grandma.

UP - The paramedics arrived very quickly. Grandma was taken to the hospital and is stable. She may get out today or tomorrow.

UP - I apologized to K17. I told her I'm sorry that my prayer wasn't that great; I was just upset. I knew her "mom" would have said a fabulous prayer. She said, "It's totally fine. You can never go wrong with a prayer, Mommy. You were there for me and that's what matters." :o)

UP - My ex's sister thought enough to get my purse out of the restaurant and bring it to me. A friendly gesture I wasn't expecting.

MAJOR UP - I was offered a job!!! A few things have to happen in order for it to be a reality, so more about that later.

And one more UP - My girls want to go to Galveston with me on June 3rd.

Final double header today. Hoping I don't fall again. May start with a new league in June.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

I am happy to say that tonight in the midst of about 50 cars of straight, fundamentalist Christians in the church parking lot, my rainbow Mickey stood up proudly above the roof of my car for everyone to see!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Friday, April 15, 2011

"E" is for Endless Love

We have several "songs" but none of them hold a candle to this song by Lionel Richie and Diana Ross. It was song that I walked down the aisle to on March 1, 2009, to find you waiting for me at the front of the chapel. It is the title of this blog. It is the description of our love.

My love,

There's only you in my life

The only thing that's right

My first love,

You're every breath that I take

You're every step I make

And I (I-I-I-I-I)

I want to share

All my love with you

No one else will do...

And your eyes

Your eyes, your eyes

They tell me how much you care

Ooh yes, you will always be

My endless love

Two hearts,

Two hearts that beat as one

Our lives have just begun


I'll hold you close in my armsI

can't resist your charms

And love

Oh, love

I'll be a fool

For you,

I'm sure

You know I don't mind

Oh, you know I don't mind

'Cause you,

You mean the world to me

OhI know I knowI've found in you

My endless love

Oooh, and love

Oh, love

I'll be that fool

For you,

I'm sure

You know I don't mind

Oh you know-I don't mind

And, YES

You'll be the only one

'Cause NO one can deny

This love I have inside

And I'll give it all to you

My love

My love, my love

My endless love

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

"D" is for Dorm

I couldn't wait until fall of 1981. That is when you and I moved in together at college. We had been apart for exactly one year. Now we would no longer have to write letters every day and schedule one ten-minute long distance phone call per week. Wow, wouldn't things have been totally different if we had had e-mail and cell phones? I had already lived on campus for a year, so I enjoyed showing you around when you got there. Setting up our first door room (Room 212, wasn't it?) was a blast (your countless number of frogs on one side, my countless number of rainbows on the other). We positioned our twin beds with the heads together in a corner, but somehow we ended up squashed together every night in one tiny bed. We were so happy in our little dorm room of heaven. We were in the dark a lot, as I remember, because we were afraid of casting any shadows into the parking lot below. We cooked mushrooms in the bottom of the popcorn popper and drank pink Champale that tasted disgusting. Remember when the girl next door went "home" on Friday and left her record album playing? It continued playing the entire weekend. We literally experienced a "broken record." Can't believe I don't remember the artist. During our first semester we "thought" we had been caught by a friend in a compromising position when she walked in our room without knocking. Being found out could get us kicked out of college. We soon began looking for another dorm. The second semester we moved across the street into the roach dorm. We tried everything to get rid of those roaches, foggers, sprays and roach motels. Once we even put a slice of pizza in a corner hoping that all the roaches would just congregate over there. LOL That lasted about two weeks. Then we moved up the hill to the dorm with the shared shower. It was the best kept lesbian secret on campus, I bet. That was also the dorm where the girl next door played her music so loudly that things were falling off our dressers. And it was also the dorm where one night we decided to break up for good. You went to "your bed" and I went to "mine." This breakup lasted a whole 30 minutes. How I miss the days when we couldn't stay away from each other for any length of time. Three dorms in one year. Wow. When we finally moved out of the dorm after our first year together in college, we achieved the privacy we wanted. We moved into the dumpy trailer of our dreams. More privacy and space was wonderful, but I will never forget our simple life in the dorms. We were truly happy.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

"C" is for Cute

Not only are you beautiful, but what I fell in love with in high school was your cuteness. The way you would cross your arms and chuckle to yourself as you were watching me and thought I didn't notice. Your cute, flirting smile from across the band room. The way you held two roses behind your back the first time we saw each other after years apart. I still love the freckles on your face and the way you make that whistling sound between your lips when you kiss me unexpectedly and get a rush of something special. I still love that cute twinkle in your eyes when you look over the top of your reading glasses at me at night. Yes, I fell in love with your beauty, but you are so damned cute sometimes it makes me giddy and feel like I am sixteen years old again.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

B is for Bliss

Life with you, J, is bliss and must be what Heaven is like. I know it doesn't seem that way sometimes, but I couldn't ask for any more. I have everything I desire and need.

Monday, April 4, 2011

A is for Always

J, I always want you in my life and I always have. No matter how bad things get, I will never give up on our dream of being together - always.

Monday, March 28, 2011


Softball has turned out to be very therapeutic for me, but let me back up a bit. I used to play in junior high and then stopped when band (football games) and working got in the way of schedules. I was a really good player if I do say so myself. It was fast pitch. I played pitcher, 1st and shortstop. I could pitch and hit but couldn't run fast or throw a ball far.

When I found out that our church had a co-ed softball team I became interested but put off inquiring about it because of 1) my age, 2) my weight, and 3) I had never played slow pitch. I tried it once years ago but couldn't hit the ball.

So I borrowed a glove a few months ago, and decided that if I could hit the ball, I would buy my own glove and join. So here I am, now a member of the church softball team of 15 members, but only 5 are actual attendees of our church. We are in a gay/lesbian softball league which at times makes me embarrassed or offended, not because people are gay but because of the actions of some of the teams. I am quite sure that if a team in a church league cheered to the top of their lungs, "2, 4, 6, 8, do it like you masturbate", that they would be reprimanded for it. There are children attending some of these games and there is some PDA there that is uncomfortable even for me, even if it would be from heterosexuals. However, hanging around the "gay" ball field has helped me be more comfortable out in the open with J as a couple, and I am extremely thankful for that. Back in the '80s we could have never let on that we were "together." It's rather humorous because instead of trying to guess who is "gay", we are trying to decide who's "straight." LOL

The first few games I was put out in right field, and you know what that means. That's where they put the people who can't play worth crap. But then when you miss a once-in-a-blue-moon fly ball in right field, everyone looks surprised and disgusted and wonders why they put you in that position. And, of course, I was put second from the bottom of the 15-person batting order.

For two weeks, I have to tell you, I was bored. to. tears. I was already having trouble warming up to my coach. During one of my first batting practices, she looked at my fingernails. I said, "I know I need to cut them. I have an appointment next week." She replied, "What does your girlfriend think about that?" I said, "We do just fine, thank you."

And then there was this past Saturday, when she wanted me to bat. I said that I needed to get my batting gloves on first. I bought them because sometimes my left hand will sting when I bat. She announced to the team something like, "Well, we all need to wait while B puts those batting gloves on. She thinks they'll help her hit." I was boiling inside, boiling so much that I got up to the plate and hit the shit out of the ball, not once, not twice, but more times than I could count. Into left center, over second base, over short stop's head. Take that!

Our usual 2nd basewoman was not there so I decided that I was going to take the chance to show everybody that I don't belong in right field. Before anyone could get situated after a water break, I took 2nd. Didn't ask. Didn't care. And I stopped every damned ball that came my way, including a low fast hit ball between shortstop and 2nd that I reached out to for the hell of it and caught by total accident. The manager kept saying to the coach, "She hasn't let a ball go by her. I hope you're taking note of it."

Later, they put me at 1st, and the coach said, "Show me what you got." So I did. I was so excited but it wasn't until the first game on Sunday when it really paid off. They started me at 1st. I only played two innings each game because we have so many players, but I stopped or caught every ball and even made my first legitimate game hit, to left center. When I hit the ball I was thinking about how J and I have been treated the past 2 1/2 years and how angry I am about it. It felt so good to take my anger out on something and I plan on doing it again and again.

I had forgotten how much I love the game of softball. Standing on first, swaying my hips, waiting for that ball to be hit, chattering for the pitcher, scared to death that a ball is going to come to me, and always thinking to myself, "I dare you to hit it right here sucka!" And I love hanging around the ball field, the occasiional breeze, the smell of the french fries and frito pies, watching someone else's game to see how good they are., waiting patiently with the team with a ball in my glove to see who wins the coin toss. My aching head, skinned knees and shoulder, bruised hip, and broken blood vessels in both hands are all worth it. I am even contemplating on playing this summer in a church league. I know I'm crazy in this Houston heat, but it's the only exercise I have enjoyed so I want to take advantage of it if there's a team available. I hear they constantly rotate players anyway due to the heat so I wouldn't have to play several innings at a time.

Thank you for reading and I hope I haven't offended any right fielders out there. It's just not for me. Oh, and I have been working on my novel. It's coming along!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


This photo was taken on Saturday during the game I sat out. J came to the ball field to cheer me on and keep score at the tournament. I love being with J, doing something, sharing an experience outdoors. I was never an "outdoor girl", but I think I have kind of missed it. I have been extremely depressed this week about the girls (they still haven't contacted me), but looking at this photo brings a smile to my face. I love you, my darling!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Monday, March 14, 2011

We Made It To MI

Those were the five words texted to me this morning by K20, the most she has texted to me in a looong time. Still haven't heard from K17. Talking about role reversal. I have been pretty upset about it, but J has been wonderful, allowing me to show my sadness off and on all weekend.

Saturday we took a drive into downtown H-town so that I would know how to get there for the AIDS Walk 2011 and where to park. Of course, yesterday at the walk, they wouldn't let me park where we thought I could park and I was forced to exit the lot in a different direction, but it all worked out.

Then we drove to Katy to look at a school that I have an interview at today. I am dreading this interview because I consider it a complete waste of my time, gas money and more mileage on my new car. But I'm going, even if it's just for practice. I don't think they can offer me what I need to make being a small school. Well, you never know whose paths you may cross again in the future so I'm going to try to have a good interview.

On the way home on the freeway, a damn rock hit my brand new windshield. I asked J, "Did it crack it?" She said, "nope." About 30 minutes later another damn rock hit my windshield. J said, "But that one did." Damn.

The walk yesterday went "okay." The worst part was waiting around for 2 hrs before it started. There wasn't anywhere to sit down (except the grass), and I didn't want to make a fool of myself trying to get up. I didn't feel the love from the team I had joined so I walked alone. This way I could pass people by weaving in and out as I wanted to. I felt really lonely but I did it, and I'm glad I did. The walk wasn't to benefit me so no right to complain. Not having someone to talk to along the way just gave me time to think, and I don't need time to think right now.

The tsunami news has also got me down and J hasn't been feeling well lately. I am looking toward Memorial Day, my next day off! Oh, well, wish me luck on the practice interview.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Checking In

Well, this past week has been depressing. I found out on Tuesday from my father, of all people, that the girls are driving to Michigan from Texas with four other girls and one adult. He realized after he said it that he had let the news slip. K17 being a minor, I should have been informed that she was traveling out of state; I should have even had some input on the decision. After my dad realized what he had done, he handed the phone to my mother, who enthusiastically disclosed the girls travel plans. My parents lent the girls their GPS and an ice chest for the trip. She admitted that my ex was nervous about them going all that way.

I was driving during this conversation (another good con for driving and talking at the same time). I completely broke down in the car, mostly from anger. I called J but couldn't calm down. I told her it was time to send "the letter." By the time I got to the parking garage of our building, I was physically shaking. I called my therapist who was waiting for her plane at the airport. I can't believe she picked up. She told me to not mail the letter until the morning, after I had time to think it over. When I entered the apartment, I slammed the door and broke down in sobs straight from my gut. I hadn't cried like that since the night I left.

The next day, I mailed it. There is nothing "bad" in the letter, but it could change my life in ways I'm not sure I'm ready for. It basically tells them that I am going to lay low for awhile, that they are not including me in their lives and don't want to be a part of mine. I have been patient for 2 1/2 years and it's time for me to stop putting my life on hold; I need to move on. So I will wait and hope that one day they will want a mother/daughter relationship with me. They only contact me when they want something and show no interest in seeing me just to be with me. And, of course, K20 never tells me she loves me, ever. I wrote at the top of K17's letter (they had the same letter), " Some of the things in this letter may not apply to you, so take them as food for thought," because she has made more of an effort than K20.

So the day after I sent the letter, K20 e-mails me and tells me that to be honest she was going to ask if we could get together in a few weeks (yeah, right), not next week because she will "be busy", not mentioning the trip. She said that she will be going to the dr. in a few weeks, and IF I want to go with her I can, but she doubts I will want to get together with her after reading my letter. And that she loves me and misses me even though I probably don't believe her.

K17, the one I am closest to, has not responded to the letter at all. I wasn't expecting that. J asked me what it was that I expected. I guess I would get at least an "I'm sorry, Mom." I thought I would hear from K17, not K20. I feel like I may have lost my daughters for good. So I have become depressed and have been taking it out on myself with food, food, and more food. And then the earthquake and tsunami hit, so of course I am obsessing about that.

Tomorrow I am walking in the AIDS 2011 Walk. Our team has $80,000 plus in pledges. I am hoping that the walk will cheer me up. Oh, and we finally sold my car last night. I am hoping that good things will distract me from the bad thoughts.

I have been reading your blogs from work so I haven't been able to make comments.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Two Years Ago

Two years ago yesterday, March 1st, J an I had our commitment ceremony in Vegas. Doesn't seem so long ago. We are celebrating with free tickets to the rodeo Thursday night to see Sugarland.

Life is treating us well right now. We are about to overcome a major financial hurdle this month so we will be able to take some more trips in the future, one being to San Antonio in April.

I am attempting to play slow pitch softball. Not sure how much help I am to my team mates since I am so out of shape. I was surprised to get so many base hits in practice this past weekend, and they put me at first base. That made me feel better.

I am still doing Weight Watchers, and while I can't say I am enjoying it, the pounds are starting to come off. I am walking in the AIDS Walk 2011 for the first time on March 13th and exceeded my $300 goal so I am pumped about that.

Saturday my grandmother may come to our church for a pasta dinner. I haven't told her yet that it's a gay church (kind of slipped my mind). Don't ya think I should warn her? I will spring that on her tonight or tomorrow to give her a chance to back out.

I continue to be a disappointment to my dad and all the other members of my family.

Still trying to find the time to finish my book. Life is getting busy and I like that. Less time to mope and complain about missing the girls so much it hurts. But my life must go on...

Well, that's it for now.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Sonic and Other Sirius Subjects

So I went all the way across town tonight (an hour away) to pick up my car title for my old soon to be sold car. On the way home I stopped at a Sonic and ordered my usual Route 44 diet coke with regular cherry syrup drink. J always teases me about it for two reasons. 1) She can't understand why I would order a diet drink with a sugary syrup. Answer: the diet syrup gives me a headache. 2) She thinks I pronounce "syrup" wrong. I pronounce it with a short i sound; she pronounces it with an er sound. How do you guys pronounce it?

Anyway, there were days when I would order this particular drink every single day; we lived by a Sonic. Since we have moved into town, I get it about once or twice a week. I had not been to this Sonic location in about a year or so. Imagine my surprise when the Sonic worker came out with my cup in her hand and announced "It's on me. You're here everyday so you don't need to pay tonight." Hmmm. I didn't tell her the truth. Nice to know that there is some other soul out there who drinks the same drink I do. I bet SHE/HE doesn't get teased for it! So I got a free drink. It's just as well - it wasn't that great.

I have spent the day talking to angry and/or incompetent people. I am so ready to find a new job.

My daughter did great in The Sound of Music! One of my best friends whom I lost when I left came up and hugged me at intermission. You could have knocked me over with a feather. And the next day she actually friended me on Facebook!

I am really seriously thinking about changing my last name soon. I am that ready. J and I have to sit down and discuss the repercussions, and there will be many. Have any of you (other than Jessie) changed your last name to match your husbian's?

I have started listening to OutQ 109 on Sirius radio. Still not sure what I think about it. Some of the talk shows are good. Sometimes I have to change the channel, though. TMI for me. I really like Rosie's show and didn't think I would. So far she hasn't been obnoxious at all.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Sister Berthe

She is the mean nun, the one who sings "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria." She got picked to sing the reprise of it. So proud. This photo was taken at dress rehearsal, thus the empty seats.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Finishing and Starting

Today I gave two homeschool workshops. I was afraid no one would show up since it's the middle of the school year, but we had a decent turnout and all went well. Passed out my flyers and business cards in the end, so maybe I will get some interest there.
Now that the workshops are done, my new goal is to get started on finishing my novel. That's one of the reasons I bought this netbook. I have so many plans for the subplots; it's just so dang overwhelming and the thought of the editing process is a nightmare to me. My hope is to have it ready for final editing before the end of 2011.
I am back on weigh watchers. Lost 7 1/2 lbs this week. It's all fluid, I know. A friend of mine lost 50 lbs since August, so she has inspired me to diary every single thing I put in my mouth.
Last Sunday I wrote down everything I was going to eat every day for the week, including snacks. I really think the diary is the key. It's amazing how many calories we pop into our mouths without even thinking about it. Every little thing does add up.
I hope all of you are having a great new year! My youngest is Sister Berthe in The Sound of Music this weekend. From what I have heard, she did an excellent job on opening night. I am going to the matinee tomorrow.
J and I have renewed our lease here as we like it very much. She and I both got new cars at the end of December. No more worries that I will break down on the road. My car is already dirty, which I hate. I bought a sandwich at Chick-Fil-A on the way to my parents' today and put it in the trunk because I don't want the new car smell to go away!
All the news I can think of for now.