Friday, December 31, 2010
* I didn't do too well on my resolution.
* I talked to my 13-yr-old self.
* My parents ignored my invitation.
* I came out to a friend.
* I brought my daughter to our apartment.
* I still wasn't able to come out to my maternal grandmother.
* I started another book in my head but dropped the idea pronto.
* J and I faced rejection for the umpteenth time.
* The first of many fires starts in our neighborhood.
* I finally came out to my maternal grandmother.
* As usual, I was treated like a queen.
* I questioned my sanity.
* J and I joined the church.
* K20 told me she loved me for the first (and last) time.
* I know longer felt safe at work.
* I started an OCD blog.
* I helped decorate the pride float.
* My paternal grandmother started sleeping with a potato.
* I got an astronomical number of hits from this one post. Go figure.
* I got acquainted with the stairwell at work.
* K17 made me proud.
* K17 and I finally have the talk.
* K20 and I finally have the talk.
* K17 admitted she knows a bisexual.
* My parents met J after almost 30 years.
* J was in a major wreck.
* I got a new do.
* I want on a Facebook fast for the month.
* J and went on a day trip to Brenham.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
We each went to our respective families' homes yesterday after opening our stockings in the morning and eating my breakfast casserole with homemade biscuits. We didn't exchange gifts this year as we both pitched in for a much needed T.V. I can actually see and hear it now!
Each of us is also getting a new car this week! J's Mustang was finally returned to her last week after the September 15th wreck, and we just don't feel comfortable letting her drive it as it should have been totaled to begin with. She picks up her new Mustang tomorrow night; I pick up my Focus Tuesday night. Now we will have one practical car and one for just plain fun!
My family had Christmas at my brother's as my mother had to go to FL to be with my grandmother (the one I am closer to than my mom). My grandmother was originally supposed to come here for Christmas but had a defribrillator put in. It's all a big mess of a story but the bottom line is that my dad spent his first Christmas away from my mom in about 52 years and he was pretty upset about it.
The day went better than Thanksgiving; I didn't have a panic attack, at least. By 4:00 o'clock, everyone was leaving.
When J came home, we watched Netflix and just relaxed.
Tomorrow I have my first appointment with the Rheumatologist and J has to go back to work. My plan is to have the girls over one day next week for movies and pizza. My youngest just got a vehicle but isn't driving on freeways yet, so I will get to put some miles on my new wheels to pick her up. One day I will go spend the day with my paternal grandmother. I also need to spend some quality writing time. My January 15th workshops are coming up soon and I also want to get back to my novel. I have one more book I really want to read - the book about Henrietta Lacks - and then finishing my novel is my goal. I used part of my bonus money to buy a Samsung netbook that I can take places and write when the mood hits me. I can't tell you how many times I have laid in bed, trying to go to sleep, and an idea about my book will hit me.
To all of my blogging friends, I hope that your holidays were great and that you ring in the new year with loved ones. No one should be alone on New Year's Eve.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Saturday night we are having a party. Our guests are bringing Toys for Tots donations. I am so excited!! I love having people over. Okay, well, I should say that I love it when it's over. I spend the whole time beforehand worrying and worrying: will the food be good, will we have enough, will the a/c keep everyone cool, blah, blah, blah.
As usual, we are putting things off til the very end. For those of you who are curious, no, we haven't hung the pictures yet! LOL
I have some errands to do Saturday morning and chickens and a vegetable to cook. I feel guilty for watching the Texans game and The Apprentice tonight. Once we get things done "tomorrow night", we will sit down and watch some Everwood Season 2.
It will work out fine, I know. It always does. I hope everyone has a great weekend. Doris, I wish you could be here! We would have a blast!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Thursday morning, before we went to our respective Thanksgiving Day dinners, J and I went to Garden Ridge to purchase a comforter set. I cannot believe that I got her into a store, much less on Thanksgiving morning! Here is a picture:
And a close-up of the pattern:
Thanksgiving dinner went okay with my parents, brother and sister-in-law, and my grandmother. My kids were with their dad in Arkansas. Around 3:00 o'clock I felt a panic attack coming on. Nothing seemed right without my girls, and I felt to blame for us not all being together and the conversation always skipping around me and my life with J. So I got up and left before dessert. We were going to hang up pictures that night. I can't even remember what we did.
Friday morning, I was lazy and slept in. It was wonderful. Again, we went SHOPPING that afternoon in search of a mirror to hang over the fireplace. We didn't find one, but I did get the majority of the decorating done:
Friday night, we turned on the above Christmas lights, lit a fire, and watched The Wizard of Oz. I know we really had intended to hang up the pictures.
Saturday I went to visit my grandmother, look at Hondas, and do some research at a store I will be speaking at in January. We went to Spec's in search of cherry rum and then had pizza and pasta at Barry's Pizza. Last night we watched a Hallmark Christmas movie and just chilled. Again, the pictures still lean against a wall in the office.Today's plans are to go to church for the first time in months, grocery shop, and watch The Amazing Race. Oh, yeah, wait >>>> J, are we going to hang up pictures? Ha ha!
I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. Thanks for reading!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Unfortunately, J threw her back out this morning so we weren't able to go out and celebrate. I had a hard time telling her "Happy Anniversary" when it wasn't so "happy." I hope you get better soon, J. I love you so much!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
It is owned by an older man and his wife. There's a house and a little building next to it, the winery, I suppose. We went inside and were greeted by blasting Christmas music. The man barely looked at us and neither did the woman. The man just mumbled at us while he attempted to open some wine bottles and cut his hand, so the wifey took over. Come to find out, the bottles were for us. The man went in the back room. I could see him putting a band-aid on his hand. He read a book the rest of the time we were there. Am wondering if it was the Bible.
Both were obviously uncomfortable with lesbian couples, but at least the woman talked to us about the wine.
We did our $5 wine tasting of five different wines and bought the obligatory two bottles of wine for our Christmas party and left. The entire experience took 19 minutes and that was including my photo taking of the amazing wine bottle Christmas tree below.
I am so in love with my girl. It's nice to have something to write about again!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
This was probably our first picture together, circa 1979-1980. I was a senior; J was a junior in high school. We had this picture made in a photo booth at Square Pan Pizza in Houston. I sat on her lap and we made silly faces. I'm not sure if at that time we knew who we were to each other. Last year, in Vegas, we had our photo taken again in a photo booth. It was much more difficult to get situated in the booth this year and get a picture of our faces. Ha ha! So what do you think? Weren' we cute together?
Monday, November 8, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
In between calls was the toughest. Don't get me wrong, I loved the letters I received from her during the week telling me how much she missed me, but it wasn't the same as just spontaneously telling her I loved her. So we set up a plan.
Every night at 10:00 p.m. we would each say in our minds, "It's 10:00 o'clock, I love you." Now, believe me, I really don't believe in this telepathic communication thing. I mean, at least, I don't think I have that skill. But every night as hard as I could I would think that phrase, and it comforted me that 3 hrs. away she was saying the same thing to me.
Even over the past 30 years, I have said it in my head at 10:00 o'clock, desperately hoping that somehow, wherever she was, J would know that I was thinking of her. About four years ago, I started thinking it on a regular basis. Who knows, maybe she heard me because here we are! And now at 10:00 p.m., I can simply roll over in bed and say it outloud, "I love you, J."
Saturday, October 2, 2010
In the Texas Hill Country on a river
2. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLES OF CLOTHING?
Jeans and a T-shirt
3. THE LAST CDs YOU BOUGHT?
4. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE?
Dehydrator. Don't have one at the moment.
6. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
The guitar. I used to be pretty good at it.
7. FAVORITE COLOUR?
8. WHICH VEHICLE DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR, MOTORCYCLE, OR SUV?
Sports car or motorcycle, of which I have had neither. I drive a Saturn Vue.
9. DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE AFTERLIFE?
10. FAVORITE CHILDREN’S BOOK?
The Sun Shone Down on the Elephant. My mom bought it at some discount store. I would love to get a copy of it. I remember that To Think That You Saw It On Mulberry Street used to stress me out.
11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON
Fall, from mid-October to mid-November. Hey, we’re almost there!
12. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT?
Never got one. Petrified of needles for any reason.
13. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPERPOWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
To be invisible.
14. CAN YOU JUGGLE?
I took juggling lessons in clown school. Failed it big time.
15. ONE PERSON/PEOPLE FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO?
My paternal grandfather, to tell him I’m sorry for not making him feel special.
16. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED?
A shoe keeper full of shoes we don’t wear.
17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DAY?
Friday, when the work week is over.
18. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGER?
Hamburger, hands down.
19. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MEAL?
At home, shrimp scampi or broccoli cheese soup. Out to eat, Mexican food with a good margarita.
20. DESCRIBE YOUR PJS.
One of J’s nightshirts – Underdog or Sponge Bob
21. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST?
Eggs and grits.
22. WHERE DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER
In high school band
23. SOMETHING YOU WOULD LIKE TO DO THAT YOU HAVE NEVER DONE BEFORE.
Take an Alaskan cruise or go to New York City
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
My 17-yr-old gave up Facebook this month. September is almost over, and she is thinking she might go Facebook-free in October. I mean, really what does she really NEED it for? It takes so much time out of her day because she has hundreds of FB friends to keep track of.
If and when Facebook is about to leave the net, I would like a bit of fair warning. I have connected with so many friends from the past. It is great to see the pictures of them and their families, finding out what they have been doing all these years, and having a phone number or e-mail address to contact them if needed. It has also been an important tool in helping me come out. I figured that if a person had a problem with me being gay, they would un-friend me, and so far, that has not happened.
It has also been a way for me to find out others in my past who were gay and I never knew. In my high school list alone I can think of probably six to eight right off the top of my head. I grieve about this in my head because just think: If we had all known that the others were gay, we could have had a club; we could have supported each other. Just think what we could have accomplished and how many mistakes could have been avoided if we had known we would have been accepted by our peers.
On the other hand, Facebook takes up a lot of my time, contains viruses, causes me hurt feelings when I am not included by my girls on something, constantly interrupted by my phone alerting me to a comment or post.
So while Facebook has been very good to me, I am considering following in my daughter's footsteps and taking a Facebook fast for the month of October. I'll let you know what I decide.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
You almost didn't
Come home to me.
You almost weren't
And in my life
When I tell you this:
I am thankful for
A car of steel
Side air bags
And a God
Who thought enough of me
To give me one more
Blessed and precious day
All my love, sweetheart,
Friday, September 10, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
2. How do you like your steak? Medium Well
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Toy Story 3
4. What is your favorite TV show? The Amazing Race
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Martindale, Texas
6. What did you have for breakfast? An egg and turkey bacon
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Mexican but it must be accompanied by a margarita
8. What foods do you dislike? Peas, lima beans, brussel sprouts, black eyed peas, turnip greens, coconut, livers and gizzards
9. Favorite Place to Eat? Pappasito’s, Tampico’s, Fratelli’s
10. Favorite dressing? Spinach dressing
11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? Saturn Vue
12. What are your favorite clothes? Jeans and a t-shirt
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? New York City/Alaska/Massachussetts/Washington D.C.
14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? ½ empty
15. Where would you want to retire? Texas hill country
16. Favorite time of day? After work
17. Where were you born? Huntingburg, Indiana
18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Football/Hockey
19. Who do you think will not tag you back? This is not a tag. This is a meme.
20. Person you expect to tag you back first? See above.
21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? See above. I didn’t want to mess up the numbering system.
22. Bird watcher? Just at my parent’s home
23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Night
24. Do you have any pets? No.
25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? J’s birthday is on Sunday!!!
26. What did you want to be when you were little? Teacher
27. What is your best childhood memory? Calling square dances with my dad/softball games
28. Are you a cat or dog person? dog
29. Are you married? Yes, but not legally YET!!!
30. Always wear your seat belt? Yes.
31. Been in a car accident? Too many to count
32. Any pet peeves? People who don’t do their jobs, don’t call you back, bigots
33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Italian sausage and mushrooms
34. Favorite Flower? Daffodils/Orchids
35. Favorite ice cream? Mint chocolate chip
36. Favorite fast food restaurant? Chick-Fil-A, Taco Bell, Whataburger
37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Once. I had a fender bender driving into the DPS before the test and was really shook up, didn’t want to take the test. I messed up on the parallel parking.
38. From whom did you get your last email? No clue
39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Dress Barn
40. Do anything spontaneous lately? Asked my parents if J and I could come up for a visit
41. Like your job? Yes
42. Broccoli? Cooked, not raw
43. What was your favorite vacation? Canada
44. Last person you went out to dinner with? J. We went to Salt Grass on Labor Day for fried mushrooms and strawberry dacquiris.
45. What are you listening to right now? Reba’s TV show in the background
46. What is your favorite color? Purple
47. How many tattoos do you have? Zero
48. How many are you tagging for this quiz? See way up above.
49. What time did you finish this quiz? 6:50 p.m. central time
50. Coffee Drinker? No way.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Below are pictures of the girls from this weekend. K17 (at bottom) was telling me about a boy she knows - let's call him "Lester." She said that he never goes anywhere fun because he goes to church three or four times a week. She said she didn't like the reason he was going so much - are you ready for it? - because he is bisexual and he thinks if he goes to church so much he will be cured. Now who does that sound like? LOL
Have a great weekend, and remember to stop by my new OCD blog, Around and Around.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Have you been sitting on the edge of your seat? Well, first let me make an announcement. Last night I texted K20, "Goodnight, K20. Sleep well. I love you." Are you ready for it? She texted back, "Goodnight. Luv U 2."
Hooray! Not only did I get a reply to my text, she said she loves me. So I guess you could say our talk went well after all. Tuesday night I picked her up at her house and drove to the restaurant. I was planning to talk to her in the car in the parking lot after dinner, but when we left the restaurant, the parking lot had filled up. We would have had to have rolled the windows down in this 100 degree heat, so there would have been no privacy.
So I took her to Walgreens. Again, I parked far away from the building where there were no other cars. This is a Walgreens basically in the country. We got into Walgreens and some of her neighbors were in there that I had not seen since I left. The woman waved at me when she came in and I just knew she was going to come over. We paid quickly and left. Wouldn't you know it, they had parked right next to us out of all the empty spots in the parking lot?
So I proceeded to drive her home, and as we approached the lake/park, I said, "I'm just going to pull over her for a second. I have something I want to tell you." I could hear panic in her voice when she said, "What do you want to tell me?"
Well, let me tell you, this conversation did not go as smoothly as the one with K17. I knew it wouldn't, though. K20 and I had a lot more things to talk about and because she hardly talks without being physically poked in the ribs to do so, it was slow going for at least an hour until she was able to spill her guts to me.
I'm pretty sure I covered the major topics that I had discussed with K17 (see post below), minus the part about meeting J. She is nowhere ready to do that. She is really stuck with the whole gay idea. She said, "You know it is wrong; don't you?" I think explaining to her why I raised her the way I did had a big impact on her. I think taking responsibility for all the drinking I did, as well. She said that she feels like she lost her mom four years ago, not a year and a half ago and that we had reversed roles.
She told me stories of things that I would do or say when I was drunk. She said I used to blame a lot of the drinking on my OCD. I asked her if she was ashamed to be seen with me. A woman came over to our table at dinner and started talking to us. We have known her for years. She said she doesn't feel ashamed, just "weird." She said that holidays are hard because afterwards, she, her dad, and her sister get into one car and go one way and I get into a different car and go somewhere else. My therapist once told me that after a traumatic event you have to go through a one to two-year cycle for things to feel less than weird. We have been through two Thanksgivings, two Christmases, etc. You have to see what it's going to be like so you know what to expect the next year.
We talked about how she takes on all the responsibilities in the house and shouldn't, how she has every right to move out, but I know she won't. She just doesn't want to hurt her dad's feelings. She is 20 years old and has a 10:30 p.m. curfew b/c he is afraid he will sleep through the night not knowing if she made it home safely or not.
She asked me if I was happy. I said, yes, about as happy as I will be until I have a relationship with her. I told her about all the times she hurt my feelings, intentional or not. How I not only lost her and her sister, I lost all my friends. She said my "friends" ask about me, but I explained that's not the same thing as being a friend. I told her it was hard to tell if she was intentionally trying to hurt me or if it was just her personality to do/not do things. I suspected that a lot of it was her personality and I was right about that.
I told her how hurt I was to not be allowed to help plan her graduation party and how I could not go as a participant because that would have been wrong having the other mothers plan everythign. I told her how it hurts when she doesn't thank me for gifts, a plane ticket to Florida, flowers on her first day of college. I just want to be acknowledged that I am alive and trying to be a mom. I told her it would be nice to get a "thank you" once in a while, an answer to my text or phone call, even though I know she is not comfortable using the phone. Growing up she would never talk on the phone. When we got her her first cell phone, that's the first time I remember her talking on a phone. It's just not her thing, but like I told her, it's really the only way I have to communicate to her, to tell her I'm thinking about her and love and miss her, that and Facebook or e-mail.
Every time I thought we were done and I mentioned, "Have you said everything you want to say?" she wouldn't answer so I knew she had more stuff inside. Unlike K17, I believe she thinks I am going to hell. I can't fault her for that; that's how she was raised. I offered to let her view "A Fish Out of Water" to get a different perspective on the seven Bible verses that condemn homosexuality. Got no response so far.
I asked her who does she believe goes to Heaven. She said if you believe that Jesus is the Son of God and died for your sins, and then she added, "and live your life the way Jesus teaches." I told her later in an e-mail that I do live the way Jesus teaches, and that if he has such a problem with me loving J, don't you think he would have at least mentioned homosexuality in the Bible at least once?
I told her that no one took my picture with her at her graduation. The next day this was in my e-mail box. It's a terrible picture of me, 25 lbs heavier, but I will cherish it always.
So when I finally drove her home, I held her, really held her, and she didn't back away this time. She told me that talking to me helped her. I told her we might need to talk about this stuff again sometime. I think things can only get better. And as she gathered her things before exiting the car, I kissed her on the face and said, "I love you, K20," and she replied, "I love you, too."
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Me: I want to talk to you about something. I want to apologize to you.
(I can tell she thinks I am going to apologize for leaving. Wiggles in her chair and a tear drops already.)
Me: I never should have let Daddy and L go back to the house October 10th without me. I should have been the one who told you I was leaving, not them. I was a coward. I don’t even know what they told you. I was too scared to watch my beautiful girls crying and break their hearts. I had already watched their dad and it was also unfair to put him in that position. So now I am going to tell you in my own words why I had to leave. And you can yell at me, cry, hug me, cuss at me, whatever you need to do.
I have known I was gay since I was five years old. Well, I didn’t think about sex or anything, but I just knew I was not like all the other girls. I felt very different. And by 11, I DEFINITELY knew that I was gay, even though I had never heard the term or any other term that meant homosexual. I want you to know that I tried everything to make it go away. I dated boys, I prayed, I went to therapy, I had people pray over me who thought they could “heal” me. Nothing worked.
I want you to know most of all that I did not marry your dad to hurt him, deceive him or even use him. I cannot say that marrying him was a mistake because that would mean that you and your sister are mistakes, and you are not. I loved you both before you were born. I got married twice because I wanted to be like everyone else; I wanted to be what society thought of as being “normal.” I really thought that getting married would cure me. So when I met your dad, I knew he would be a good husband and father. I loved him, but not the way you are supposed to love your husband.
I also want you to know that J is not the reason I am gay, but she saved my life. About five years ago, before J even came back into my life, I decided that after you graduated from high school (which will be May 2011), I was going to leave. After I had “raised” both of you. I felt that you needed a mother at home at least until then. I only told a couple of people about my plan. I was going to leave because I had been putting your dad in bondage. You see, for years, he had known something was wrong, and he always assumed it was his fault. He tried everything to make me happy, but nothing worked. He felt like he was a failure, and I just couldn’t mislead him any longer. It wasn’t right. So I waited for the five years to get here.
Only I started stuffing the feelings and what I was doing to him and you with alcohol. I started taking pills and, as you know, almost died twice. K14, I was not going to live much longer. I just could not stuff it all down any longer. I felt like I could be a better mom to you alive than dead.
Her: I know, Mom.
Me: Anything you want to say?
Her: Well, we discussed it about a week later and decided that it was kind of a good thing, what you did. We were more at peace. We didn’t have to worry any more about whether Mom was going to drink tonight or if you would wake up the next day.
Me: You know that we raised you in a fundamental church. That was my fault. When we lived in Houston we were going to a liberal Presbyterian church. The choir director was gay, and we even let K20 stay at his house for a party once. Then we moved to the country and I started going to a Bible study there. I asked your dad if we could start going there. It was extremely conservative, and I thought that maybe it would cure me or that at least I could hide my sexuality better if everyone that I was a fundamental Christian. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. But then it backfired.
Her: You need to tell K20 this because she doesn’t understand why you did that.
Me: Remember when I stopped going to church about four years ago? It was because I just couldn’t sit there any longer and be around people who thought that my Jesus, my Saviour, loved me so much (sarcasm) that he would send me to hell for being who I am. I was baptized as an infant and again as an adult. Everyone celebrated and thought that was wonderful. But then when they found out I was gay, it was like my baptism never took place. And now for the big question. Do you think your mother is going to hell?
Her: No, I don’t. People at church ask about you. They are glad when I tell them you are doing better.
Me: Well, you know that the church sent me a letter and told me that I was no longer “allowed” to take communion and that I was going to hell?
Her: (She hadn’t heard about the note that I could tell.) I think they had the right to tell you that you could not come back because you didn’t agree with their beliefs but they didn’t have the right to tell you you were going to hell.
Me: It took me about eight months until I was able to take communion without crying.
Her: (crying) And this weekend on the way home from retreat they were bashing Catholics (really crying). (Her paternal grandmother is Catholic)
(She said that her adopted mom and family that she hangs with also don’t think I’m going to hell.)
Me: We raised you in a bubble. If you believe what they are teaching you, that’s my fault. There is a whole other world out there. Your church is in the minority way of thinking.
(and then I told her about our church, the organ music, the old hymns, the people, about some of the teens who have been kicked out of their homes because they are gay while their pregnant 16 yr old sisters get to stay home. I told her about Prayers for Bobby, about how God didn’t heal Bobby because there was nothing wrong with him. How he killed himself and that could have been me. How there are probably quite a few closeted gays in her church and that there are definitely some gay kids in her theater group.)
Her: Yeah, at least two I can think of.
Me: I don’t want you to think that you are better than other people. I told her that when the church is gay bashing, there are gay kids in the congregation who are listening.
Her: I don’t.
(She proceeded to tell me about how she is tired of the way her church talks about other denominations and that the Bible says if you take Jesus as your savior you are a Christian. Yes, people worship different ways and believe different things, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t Christians. I reminded her about the time the people across the street told us we weren’t Christians because we let our kids watch Disney movies. I went to their door one time and the kids were playing in the living room while Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom was on the T.V; you know, the one where they have a live sacrifice and take the guy’s beating heart out of his chest?)
Me: Remember how I used to get you two to watch Rosie O’Donell’s movies and Ellen? I wanted to see how you would react when you found out I am gay. I told you about Clay Aiken coming out so that his son would always know his real dad.
(I also told her about A Fish Out of Water and what it is about. I told her she could watch it one day with me if she wanted to.)
We talked about J. She thinks that someday in the future she will be able to meet her but not right now. I’m sure I left a lot out, but that’s all I can think of right now. If you made it to the bottom of this post, congratulations, and please feel free to comment!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
To all the Bobbys and Janes out there, I say these words to you, as I would to my own precious children:
Please don't give up hope in life, or in yourselves. You are very special to me, and I am working very hard to help make this life a better and safer place for you to live in.
I firmly believe - though I did not, back then - that my son Bobby's suicide was the end result of homophobia and ignorance with-in most Protestant and Catholic churches, and consequently within society, our public schools, our own family.
Bobby was not a drunk, nor did he use drugs. It's just that we could never accept him for who he was - a gay person.
We hoped God would heal him of being gay. According to God's word, as we were led to understand it, Bobby had to repent or God would damn him to hell and eternal punishment.
That I ever accepted - believed - such depravity of God toward my son or any human being has caused me much remorse and shame.
What a travesty of God's love, for children to grow up believing themselves to be evil, with only a slight inclination toward goodness, and that they will remain undeserving of God's love from birth to death.
Looking back, I realize how depraved it was to instill fals guilt in an innocent child's conscience, causing a distorted image of life, God, and self; leaving little if any felling of personal worth.
Had I viewed my son's life with a pure heart, I would hav recognized him as a tender spirit in God's eyes.
I would have seen a life that, for the most part, parallels the heterosexual life: being; learning; working; loving and caring for another human being; having someone to grow od with, someone to share the joys and sorrows of life with, someone to share God's wonderful world with.
We never thought of a gay person as an equal, a lovable and valuable part of God's creation. What a travesty of God's unconditional love!
Is it any wonder our young people give up on love, as Bobby did, and the hope of ever receiving the validation they deserve as beautiful human beings?
Is it any wonder sucide statistics are increasing among young people, and even more so among young gays and lesbians?
Bobby dropped out of high school in April 1981, two months before his graduation.
With the right help to fight the homophobia surrounding him, he might have found the hope and encouragment he needed to finish school.
As a result of my son's death, I have joined other caring people to try to make a pathway with knowledge and understanding within our public school system, a pathway that in time may be traveled with dignity and freedom from fear, for gay and lesbian students, and any student who is subjected to discrimination.
Promise me you will keep trying.
As Tina Turner says in her song, "Love and compassion, their day is coming; all esle are castles built in the air."
Bobby gave up on love. I hope you won't. You are always in my thoughts.
Walnut Creek, California