2010 in Review

January 2010


* I didn't do too well on my resolution.
* I talked to my 13-yr-old self.
* My parents ignored my invitation.

February 2010

* I came out to a friend.

March 2010

* I brought my daughter to our apartment.

April 2010

* I still wasn't able to come out to my maternal grandmother.
* I started another book in my head but dropped the idea pronto.
* J and I faced rejection for the umpteenth time.
* The first of many fires starts in our neighborhood.

May 2010

* I finally came out to my maternal grandmother.
* As usual, I was treated like a queen.
* I questioned my sanity.

June 2010

* J and I joined the church.
* K20 told me she loved me for the first (and last) time.
* I know longer felt safe at work.
* I started an OCD blog.
* I helped decorate the pride float.
* My paternal grandmother started sleeping with a potato.

July 2010

* I got an astronomical number of hits from this one post. Go figure.
* I got acquainted with the stairwell at work.

August 2010

* K17 made me proud.
* K17 and I finally have the talk.
* K20 and I finally have the talk.

September 2010

* K17 admitted she knows a bisexual.
* My parents met J after almost 30 years.
* J was in a major wreck.
* I got a new do.

October

* I want on a Facebook fast for the month.

November

* J and went on a day trip to Brenham.

Going to lunch and shopping with my daughters today. Life is good.

Catching Up

I just noticed that I haven't posted since early December. Wow. Christmas is over; we made it through. I have seven days more days off; can't believe it.
We each went to our respective families' homes yesterday after opening our stockings in the morning and eating my breakfast casserole with homemade biscuits. We didn't exchange gifts this year as we both pitched in for a much needed T.V. I can actually see and hear it now!
Each of us is also getting a new car this week! J's Mustang was finally returned to her last week after the September 15th wreck, and we just don't feel comfortable letting her drive it as it should have been totaled to begin with. She picks up her new Mustang tomorrow night; I pick up my Focus Tuesday night. Now we will have one practical car and one for just plain fun!
My family had Christmas at my brother's as my mother had to go to FL to be with my grandmother (the one I am closer to than my mom). My grandmother was originally supposed to come here for Christmas but had a defribrillator put in. It's all a big mess of a story but the bottom line is that my dad spent his first Christmas away from my mom in about 52 years and he was pretty upset about it.
The day went better than Thanksgiving; I didn't have a panic attack, at least. By 4:00 o'clock, everyone was leaving.
When J came home, we watched Netflix and just relaxed.
Tomorrow I have my first appointment with the Rheumatologist and J has to go back to work. My plan is to have the girls over one day next week for movies and pizza. My youngest just got a vehicle but isn't driving on freeways yet, so I will get to put some miles on my new wheels to pick her up. One day I will go spend the day with my paternal grandmother. I also need to spend some quality writing time. My January 15th workshops are coming up soon and I also want to get back to my novel. I have one more book I really want to read - the book about Henrietta Lacks - and then finishing my novel is my goal. I used part of my bonus money to buy a Samsung netbook that I can take places and write when the mood hits me. I can't tell you how many times I have laid in bed, trying to go to sleep, and an idea about my book will hit me.
To all of my blogging friends, I hope that your holidays were great and that you ring in the new year with loved ones. No one should be alone on New Year's Eve.

Wordless Wednesday

Hanging Up

We hung up the pictures!

One More

Saturday night we are having a party. Our guests are bringing Toys for Tots donations. I am so excited!! I love having people over. Okay, well, I should say that I love it when it's over. I spend the whole time beforehand worrying and worrying: will the food be good, will we have enough, will the a/c keep everyone cool, blah, blah, blah.

As usual, we are putting things off til the very end. For those of you who are curious, no, we haven't hung the pictures yet! LOL

I have some errands to do Saturday morning and chickens and a vegetable to cook. I feel guilty for watching the Texans game and The Apprentice tonight. Once we get things done "tomorrow night", we will sit down and watch some Everwood Season 2.

It will work out fine, I know. It always does. I hope everyone has a great weekend. Doris, I wish you could be here! We would have a blast!

Wordless Wednesday

Our Holidays

I had a five-day holiday! It was fantastic and I am sorry it is almost over. I stayed home with J on Wednesday as she had thrown out her back. We were going to hang up pictures, but it was good to just rest. Made my usual spinach dip and chilled the wine for Thursday.

Thursday morning, before we went to our respective Thanksgiving Day dinners, J and I went to Garden Ridge to purchase a comforter set. I cannot believe that I got her into a store, much less on Thanksgiving morning! Here is a picture:










And a close-up of the pattern:



Thanksgiving dinner went okay with my parents, brother and sister-in-law, and my grandmother. My kids were with their dad in Arkansas. Around 3:00 o'clock I felt a panic attack coming on. Nothing seemed right without my girls, and I felt to blame for us not all being together and the conversation always skipping around me and my life with J. So I got up and left before dessert. We were going to hang up pictures that night. I can't even remember what we did.



Friday morning, I was lazy and slept in. It was wonderful. Again, we went SHOPPING that afternoon in search of a mirror to hang over the fireplace. We didn't find one, but I did get the majority of the decorating done:

Friday night, we turned on the above Christmas lights, lit a fire, and watched The Wizard of Oz. I know we really had intended to hang up the pictures.

Saturday I went to visit my grandmother, look at Hondas, and do some research at a store I will be speaking at in January. We went to Spec's in search of cherry rum and then had pizza and pasta at Barry's Pizza. Last night we watched a Hallmark Christmas movie and just chilled. Again, the pictures still lean against a wall in the office.

Today's plans are to go to church for the first time in months, grocery shop, and watch The Amazing Race. Oh, yeah, wait >>>> J, are we going to hang up pictures? Ha ha!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. Thanks for reading!

Wordless Wednesday

30 Years Ago Today 11/22/80 at 5:45 a.m.

J asked me to be her wife. We were both 18. I had no idea that two women "girls" could even get married, so we married ourselves. J had these beautiful roses delivered to my office today. The card read, "You are my endless love."

Unfortunately, J threw her back out this morning so we weren't able to go out and celebrate. I had a hard time telling her "Happy Anniversary" when it wasn't so "happy." I hope you get better soon, J. I love you so much!

Wordless Wednesday

A Wonderful Day

Well, yesterday was our first day trip, ever, I believe! I had a great time. Hope J did, too. First we drove to the Windy Winery. Not exactly what the two of us expected. It was in the middle of nowhere. We followed a gravel road for miles and miles. It felt like we were driving on someone's property. We arrived at the winery at 11:00 a.m., exactly when it "opened."

It is owned by an older man and his wife. There's a house and a little building next to it, the winery, I suppose. We went inside and were greeted by blasting Christmas music. The man barely looked at us and neither did the woman. The man just mumbled at us while he attempted to open some wine bottles and cut his hand, so the wifey took over. Come to find out, the bottles were for us. The man went in the back room. I could see him putting a band-aid on his hand. He read a book the rest of the time we were there. Am wondering if it was the Bible.

Both were obviously uncomfortable with lesbian couples, but at least the woman talked to us about the wine.

We did our $5 wine tasting of five different wines and bought the obligatory two bottles of wine for our Christmas party and left. The entire experience took 19 minutes and that was including my photo taking of the amazing wine bottle Christmas tree below.

After leaving the winery, we proceeded to look for downtown Brenham. A bit of an argument started due to my inability to read a map with the letters the size of a grain of salt. We got past it, of course, found the downtown area, and did some shopping. It was nice to see J shopping!!!! It's her least favorite thing. It ranks right up there with cooking.

Next we ate at the Brenham Grill which is inside the Ant Street Inn (I kept calling it the Anthill Inn), an old hotel which is categorized as a Bed & Breakfast. J would never stay in one of those, but this one had private baths. The rooms were beautiful and there were a couple in our price range, so we might just go back there sometime and stay. This is a photo I took of J at our table. I love it because it has the Texas flag in the background and she looks like she is having a good time.

After lunch, we headed to the Monastery of St. Claire. Four bucks each to go into a barn to see a one-week-old miniature horse. This experience took all of ten minutes, but, hey, the money went to a good cause!

So we were done for the day around 2:00 p.m. and headed back toward H-Town. We stopped at the Ford place to look at Mustangs for J and Fiestas/Focuses for me. Then we went to the Honda place to look at Fits for me.

We went home for awhile so I could do some work and then ended our evening at Pappasito's for dinner. We did not watch the entire UT game. It sucked. Baby, I had such a wonderful time (except for the argument). Can't wait for our next day trip!

Today I went back to buy a gray tweed hat I had seen the other day, but someone had already bought it. I ended up with this gray fedora.

And just because I couldn't make up my mind - I also bought this purple/black plaid one that I plan to wear on Thanksgiving with my purple sweater. I wish the picture was better. It is a great hat and my favorite color, too!

I am so in love with my girl. It's nice to have something to write about again!

Our First Picture Together

This was probably our first picture together, circa 1979-1980. I was a senior; J was a junior in high school. We had this picture made in a photo booth at Square Pan Pizza in Houston. I sat on her lap and we made silly faces. I'm not sure if at that time we knew who we were to each other. Last year, in Vegas, we had our photo taken again in a photo booth. It was much more difficult to get situated in the booth this year and get a picture of our faces. Ha ha! So what do you think? Weren' we cute together?

Planning a Day Trip and Other Such Romance

I have been getting a lot of hits lately, maybe because I mentioned sex, sex, sex, like Maria suggested. Welcome to my new readers. Wow, some of you come from very far away. I wish you would leave comments so that I could read your blogs if you have them.

J and I have made a plan and we are going to stick to it. Last weekend we tried to remember what our life was like when we first went away together. True, we were as stressed as hell with us both coming out to our families, me leaving my kids, my approaching divorce, my crappy job. BUT we were happy and the romance and excitement was definitely there! Lately, we have gotten into a deep rut but we are digging our way out quickly.

So our plan is to rekindle some of that romance and excitement now by doing the things we used to do. We are starting by going back to dinner at the table with the T.V. off and candle lit. Talking about our day over dinner or anything else we want to share. We are also going to plan a day trip or overnight somewhere once each month. I will now have some photos to share with you. We are going out of town this weekend, just not sure where yet. I will keep you posted!

Tonight I am cooking J one of her favorite meals that I haven't cooked in a long time and we will be watching Disc 5 of Everwood Season 1. Can't wait!

I have been diligently working on my business website and passing out flyers and business cards. I have my first speaking engagement January 15th. I plan to get myself a netbook for Christmas to help me with the business, finish the novel and start working on a new work - autobiography of our relationship.

I wish I could have done NaBlo... this year but I am just not up to it. I want to do a shout out to my friend Natalie! Glad to have you reading here and I will try to link you here next time!!! Gotta go before I burn dinner.

You Have To Read This Article!

My Son Is Gay -- it will bring you to tears!

Wordless Wednesday a/k/a Name That Performer (My Favorite)

Wordless Wednesday

Please Watch Camlin's Video!

To My Baby

R.I.P. Mrs. Cleaver

It's 10:00 o'clock, I love you.

I think it started when I was a freshman in college and J was a senior in high school. We were about 180 miles apart and it just about killed me. That was back when there were no cell phones or friends and family plans. Once a week we would set a time, and one of us would call the other on our parents' dime.

In between calls was the toughest. Don't get me wrong, I loved the letters I received from her during the week telling me how much she missed me, but it wasn't the same as just spontaneously telling her I loved her. So we set up a plan.

Every night at 10:00 p.m. we would each say in our minds, "It's 10:00 o'clock, I love you." Now, believe me, I really don't believe in this telepathic communication thing. I mean, at least, I don't think I have that skill. But every night as hard as I could I would think that phrase, and it comforted me that 3 hrs. away she was saying the same thing to me.

Even over the past 30 years, I have said it in my head at 10:00 o'clock, desperately hoping that somehow, wherever she was, J would know that I was thinking of her. About four years ago, I started thinking it on a regular basis. Who knows, maybe she heard me because here we are! And now at 10:00 p.m., I can simply roll over in bed and say it outloud, "I love you, J."

Wordless Wednesday

(I know I'm not supposed to write, but I wish she was ours!)

Another Meme from Joey's Pad

1. IF YOU COULD BUILD A SECOND HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?

In the Texas Hill Country on a river


2. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLES OF CLOTHING?
Jeans and a T-shirt


3. THE LAST CDs YOU BOUGHT?

No clue.


4. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?

6:30 a.m.

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE?

Dehydrator. Don't have one at the moment.

6. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

The guitar. I used to be pretty good at it.

7. FAVORITE COLOUR?

Purple

8. WHICH VEHICLE DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR, MOTORCYCLE, OR SUV?

Sports car or motorcycle, of which I have had neither. I drive a Saturn Vue.

9. DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE AFTERLIFE?

Absolutely

10. FAVORITE CHILDREN’S BOOK?

The Sun Shone Down on the Elephant. My mom bought it at some discount store. I would love to get a copy of it. I remember that To Think That You Saw It On Mulberry Street used to stress me out.

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON

Fall, from mid-October to mid-November. Hey, we’re almost there!

12. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT?

Never got one. Petrified of needles for any reason.

13. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPERPOWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

To be invisible.

14. CAN YOU JUGGLE?

I took juggling lessons in clown school. Failed it big time.

15. ONE PERSON/PEOPLE FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO?

My paternal grandfather, to tell him I’m sorry for not making him feel special.

16. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED?

A shoe keeper full of shoes we don’t wear.

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DAY?

Friday, when the work week is over.

18. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGER?

Hamburger, hands down.

19. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MEAL?

At home, shrimp scampi or broccoli cheese soup. Out to eat, Mexican food with a good margarita.

20. DESCRIBE YOUR PJS.

One of J’s nightshirts – Underdog or Sponge Bob

21. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST?

Eggs and grits.

22. WHERE DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER

In high school band

23. SOMETHING YOU WOULD LIKE TO DO THAT YOU HAVE NEVER DONE BEFORE.

Take an Alaskan cruise or go to New York City

Adios Facebook!

Yep, I've decided to do it, one month without Facebook. Wish me luck.

Wordless Wednesday

No More Facebook?

I was pondering a question the other day: What would happen if Facebook was wiped off the face of the earth? All it would take is for someone to flip a switch. Might be a good thing.

My 17-yr-old gave up Facebook this month. September is almost over, and she is thinking she might go Facebook-free in October. I mean, really what does she really NEED it for? It takes so much time out of her day because she has hundreds of FB friends to keep track of.

If and when Facebook is about to leave the net, I would like a bit of fair warning. I have connected with so many friends from the past. It is great to see the pictures of them and their families, finding out what they have been doing all these years, and having a phone number or e-mail address to contact them if needed. It has also been an important tool in helping me come out. I figured that if a person had a problem with me being gay, they would un-friend me, and so far, that has not happened.

It has also been a way for me to find out others in my past who were gay and I never knew. In my high school list alone I can think of probably six to eight right off the top of my head. I grieve about this in my head because just think: If we had all known that the others were gay, we could have had a club; we could have supported each other. Just think what we could have accomplished and how many mistakes could have been avoided if we had known we would have been accepted by our peers.

On the other hand, Facebook takes up a lot of my time, contains viruses, causes me hurt feelings when I am not included by my girls on something, constantly interrupted by my phone alerting me to a comment or post.

So while Facebook has been very good to me, I am considering following in my daughter's footsteps and taking a Facebook fast for the month of October. I'll let you know what I decide.

My New Do

Told my hairdresser I wanted something totally different for the 50th anniversary party. When we had decided on the cut, she said, "Will you let me put some red in it?" I said, "What the heck. Go for it!"

Name That Character!

Sorry. No one got this one. It was Dr. Rae Crane from The Medicine Man. Hey, but it's not like I'm gonna give ya a prize or anything!

This week's Name That Character:

What was the character's name, who is the actress, and what T.V. show was she on? My daughter's voice coach has the same name and about the same personality.

Maria said you get more hits on your page if you mention sex, sex, sex, so..... sex, sex, sex.

Yesterday

Yesterday
You almost didn't
Come home to me.
You almost weren't
Alive
And in my life
Anymore.
So remember
When I tell you this:
I am thankful for
Seat belts
A car of steel
Side air bags
And a God
Who thought enough of me
To give me one more
Blessed and precious day
With you.

All my love, sweetheart,
~b~

Wordless Wednesday

Ivan Coyote

I got this from Camlin's blog. Thank you, Camlin! I just had to share it. I had never heard of Ivan Coyote before. I can't wait to hear some of her stories.

A New Meme - Thanks, River Poet!

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:30

2. How do you like your steak? Medium Well

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Toy Story 3

4. What is your favorite TV show? The Amazing Race

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Martindale, Texas

6. What did you have for breakfast? An egg and turkey bacon

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Mexican but it must be accompanied by a margarita

8. What foods do you dislike? Peas, lima beans, brussel sprouts, black eyed peas, turnip greens, coconut, livers and gizzards

9. Favorite Place to Eat? Pappasito’s, Tampico’s, Fratelli’s

10. Favorite dressing? Spinach dressing

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? Saturn Vue

12. What are your favorite clothes? Jeans and a t-shirt

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? New York City/Alaska/Massachussetts/Washington D.C.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? ½ empty

15. Where would you want to retire? Texas hill country

16. Favorite time of day? After work

17. Where were you born? Huntingburg, Indiana

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Football/Hockey

19. Who do you think will not tag you back? This is not a tag. This is a meme.

20. Person you expect to tag you back first? See above.

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? See above. I didn’t want to mess up the numbering system.

22. Bird watcher? Just at my parent’s home

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Night

24. Do you have any pets? No.

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? J’s birthday is on Sunday!!!

26. What did you want to be when you were little? Teacher

27. What is your best childhood memory? Calling square dances with my dad/softball games

28. Are you a cat or dog person? dog

29. Are you married? Yes, but not legally YET!!!

30. Always wear your seat belt? Yes.

31. Been in a car accident? Too many to count

32. Any pet peeves? People who don’t do their jobs, don’t call you back, bigots

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Italian sausage and mushrooms

34. Favorite Flower? Daffodils/Orchids

35. Favorite ice cream? Mint chocolate chip

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? Chick-Fil-A, Taco Bell, Whataburger

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Once. I had a fender bender driving into the DPS before the test and was really shook up, didn’t want to take the test. I messed up on the parallel parking.

38. From whom did you get your last email? No clue

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Dress Barn

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? Asked my parents if J and I could come up for a visit

41. Like your job? Yes

42. Broccoli? Cooked, not raw

43. What was your favorite vacation? Canada

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? J. We went to Salt Grass on Labor Day for fried mushrooms and strawberry dacquiris.

45. What are you listening to right now? Reba’s TV show in the background

46. What is your favorite color? Purple

47. How many tattoos do you have? Zero

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz? See way up above.

49. What time did you finish this quiz? 6:50 p.m. central time

50. Coffee Drinker? No way.

Wordless Wednesday

Happy Labor Day

Good News!

J and I are going to go see my parents tomorrow! They said we could come! I don't think they have seen J in about 16 years. We got a free cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory, so we are going to take some of it up there after lunch to break the ice. Wish us luck, please!

Below are pictures of the girls from this weekend. K17 (at bottom) was telling me about a boy she knows - let's call him "Lester." She said that he never goes anywhere fun because he goes to church three or four times a week. She said she didn't like the reason he was going so much - are you ready for it? - because he is bisexual and he thinks if he goes to church so much he will be cured. Now who does that sound like? LOL

Have a great weekend, and remember to stop by my new OCD blog, Around and Around.

I love pictures of "Us"!

Wordless Wednesday - Guess Who?

Name That Character!

I had several correct answers via e-mail to the last "Name That Character" post. It was Reuben, the band's manager, from The Partridge Family played by Dave Madden.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

This week's character was played by Lorraine Bracco. No fair cheating. I already gave you a hint by showing you the movie title - Medicine Man, one of my favorites. The scenery is wonderful. Wish I had the guts to go up into the rain forest canopy. The humor is quick and to the point. The realization of defeat is gut wrenching but the ending is hopeful. Watch it if you haven't already. You can even let your tweens watch it and learn about the plights of the rain forest and the cure for cancer as it is rated R due to topless tribeswomen. Think National Geographic. You can currently catch Lorraine Bracco on

Rizolli and Isles

on TNT, Monday nights:

Sitting on the Edge of Your Seat?

Have you been sitting on the edge of your seat? Well, first let me make an announcement. Last night I texted K20, "Goodnight, K20. Sleep well. I love you." Are you ready for it? She texted back, "Goodnight. Luv U 2."


Hooray! Not only did I get a reply to my text, she said she loves me. So I guess you could say our talk went well after all. Tuesday night I picked her up at her house and drove to the restaurant. I was planning to talk to her in the car in the parking lot after dinner, but when we left the restaurant, the parking lot had filled up. We would have had to have rolled the windows down in this 100 degree heat, so there would have been no privacy.


So I took her to Walgreens. Again, I parked far away from the building where there were no other cars. This is a Walgreens basically in the country. We got into Walgreens and some of her neighbors were in there that I had not seen since I left. The woman waved at me when she came in and I just knew she was going to come over. We paid quickly and left. Wouldn't you know it, they had parked right next to us out of all the empty spots in the parking lot?


So I proceeded to drive her home, and as we approached the lake/park, I said, "I'm just going to pull over her for a second. I have something I want to tell you." I could hear panic in her voice when she said, "What do you want to tell me?"


Well, let me tell you, this conversation did not go as smoothly as the one with K17. I knew it wouldn't, though. K20 and I had a lot more things to talk about and because she hardly talks without being physically poked in the ribs to do so, it was slow going for at least an hour until she was able to spill her guts to me.


I'm pretty sure I covered the major topics that I had discussed with K17 (see post below), minus the part about meeting J. She is nowhere ready to do that. She is really stuck with the whole gay idea. She said, "You know it is wrong; don't you?" I think explaining to her why I raised her the way I did had a big impact on her. I think taking responsibility for all the drinking I did, as well. She said that she feels like she lost her mom four years ago, not a year and a half ago and that we had reversed roles.


She told me stories of things that I would do or say when I was drunk. She said I used to blame a lot of the drinking on my OCD. I asked her if she was ashamed to be seen with me. A woman came over to our table at dinner and started talking to us. We have known her for years. She said she doesn't feel ashamed, just "weird." She said that holidays are hard because afterwards, she, her dad, and her sister get into one car and go one way and I get into a different car and go somewhere else. My therapist once told me that after a traumatic event you have to go through a one to two-year cycle for things to feel less than weird. We have been through two Thanksgivings, two Christmases, etc. You have to see what it's going to be like so you know what to expect the next year.


We talked about how she takes on all the responsibilities in the house and shouldn't, how she has every right to move out, but I know she won't. She just doesn't want to hurt her dad's feelings. She is 20 years old and has a 10:30 p.m. curfew b/c he is afraid he will sleep through the night not knowing if she made it home safely or not.


She asked me if I was happy. I said, yes, about as happy as I will be until I have a relationship with her. I told her about all the times she hurt my feelings, intentional or not. How I not only lost her and her sister, I lost all my friends. She said my "friends" ask about me, but I explained that's not the same thing as being a friend. I told her it was hard to tell if she was intentionally trying to hurt me or if it was just her personality to do/not do things. I suspected that a lot of it was her personality and I was right about that.


I told her how hurt I was to not be allowed to help plan her graduation party and how I could not go as a participant because that would have been wrong having the other mothers plan everythign. I told her how it hurts when she doesn't thank me for gifts, a plane ticket to Florida, flowers on her first day of college. I just want to be acknowledged that I am alive and trying to be a mom. I told her it would be nice to get a "thank you" once in a while, an answer to my text or phone call, even though I know she is not comfortable using the phone. Growing up she would never talk on the phone. When we got her her first cell phone, that's the first time I remember her talking on a phone. It's just not her thing, but like I told her, it's really the only way I have to communicate to her, to tell her I'm thinking about her and love and miss her, that and Facebook or e-mail.


Every time I thought we were done and I mentioned, "Have you said everything you want to say?" she wouldn't answer so I knew she had more stuff inside. Unlike K17, I believe she thinks I am going to hell. I can't fault her for that; that's how she was raised. I offered to let her view "A Fish Out of Water" to get a different perspective on the seven Bible verses that condemn homosexuality. Got no response so far.

I asked her who does she believe goes to Heaven. She said if you believe that Jesus is the Son of God and died for your sins, and then she added, "and live your life the way Jesus teaches." I told her later in an e-mail that I do live the way Jesus teaches, and that if he has such a problem with me loving J, don't you think he would have at least mentioned homosexuality in the Bible at least once?

I told her that no one took my picture with her at her graduation. The next day this was in my e-mail box. It's a terrible picture of me, 25 lbs heavier, but I will cherish it always.


So when I finally drove her home, I held her, really held her, and she didn't back away this time. She told me that talking to me helped her. I told her we might need to talk about this stuff again sometime. I think things can only get better. And as she gathered her things before exiting the car, I kissed her on the face and said, "I love you, K20," and she replied, "I love you, too."

Wordless Wednesday

Spooning

I love spooning with J! I can't decide which I like more, her behind me or me behind her. Curling up in bed with J's arms around me is about the best thing in the world I can think of. Sometimes she whispers "I love you's" in my ear; sometimes she strokes my hair or kisses my neck. I love the softness of her body and the strength of her arms encircling me, safe and secure. She reaches for my hand and our fingers entwine. Gives me goosebumps as I type.

And then there is the point in the night where we each roll over to the other side, as if on cue, kind of like flipping a pancake at the exact moment when it is ready. We just know. I lay as close to her as I possibly can, my chin between her shoulder and her head, that perfect place where I belong. I manuever myself over and over until finally every possible inch of the front of my body is touching hers, including my feet. I usually put my arm around her, but sometimes I lay with my arms parallel to my body so that my arms are against her back, all the way down. I kiss her upper arm. I fall asleep thinking how blessed I am that she has chosen me and only me out of everyone to hold her at night and that God has brought us back together after a quarter of a century - A QUARTER OF A CENTURY! - apart.

So here's to spooning! ( I can't believe I wrote this entire post with my boss standing on the other side of my desk!)

Galveston, Oh, Galveston!

I had a great day with my girls! More pics later. Was not able to have the talk with K20; maybe Tuesday or Wednesday night of this week, though. We were just too tired so they went straight home.

This is going to be a long post...

Last night I had “the talk” with my youngest daughter, the talk I had been dreading, but it came out better than I thought it would. Saturday I may be having the same talk with my oldest. K17 told me I need to tell K20 everything I told her, to write it down. K20 doesn’t understand how I raised them one way and then did the exact opposite. So here, as best as I can recall, was our conversation. I am trying to commit the important points to memory. I am leaving some things out, of course. It was a 1 ½ hr conversation. I know that Saturday’s conversation will not go as smoothly:

Me: I want to talk to you about something. I want to apologize to you.
(I can tell she thinks I am going to apologize for leaving. Wiggles in her chair and a tear drops already.)

Me: I never should have let Daddy and L go back to the house October 10th without me. I should have been the one who told you I was leaving, not them. I was a coward. I don’t even know what they told you. I was too scared to watch my beautiful girls crying and break their hearts. I had already watched their dad and it was also unfair to put him in that position. So now I am going to tell you in my own words why I had to leave. And you can yell at me, cry, hug me, cuss at me, whatever you need to do.

I have known I was gay since I was five years old. Well, I didn’t think about sex or anything, but I just knew I was not like all the other girls. I felt very different. And by 11, I DEFINITELY knew that I was gay, even though I had never heard the term or any other term that meant homosexual. I want you to know that I tried everything to make it go away. I dated boys, I prayed, I went to therapy, I had people pray over me who thought they could “heal” me. Nothing worked.

I want you to know most of all that I did not marry your dad to hurt him, deceive him or even use him. I cannot say that marrying him was a mistake because that would mean that you and your sister are mistakes, and you are not. I loved you both before you were born. I got married twice because I wanted to be like everyone else; I wanted to be what society thought of as being “normal.” I really thought that getting married would cure me. So when I met your dad, I knew he would be a good husband and father. I loved him, but not the way you are supposed to love your husband.

I also want you to know that J is not the reason I am gay, but she saved my life. About five years ago, before J even came back into my life, I decided that after you graduated from high school (which will be May 2011), I was going to leave. After I had “raised” both of you. I felt that you needed a mother at home at least until then. I only told a couple of people about my plan. I was going to leave because I had been putting your dad in bondage. You see, for years, he had known something was wrong, and he always assumed it was his fault. He tried everything to make me happy, but nothing worked. He felt like he was a failure, and I just couldn’t mislead him any longer. It wasn’t right. So I waited for the five years to get here.
Only I started stuffing the feelings and what I was doing to him and you with alcohol. I started taking pills and, as you know, almost died twice. K14, I was not going to live much longer. I just could not stuff it all down any longer. I felt like I could be a better mom to you alive than dead.

Her: I know, Mom.

Me: Anything you want to say?

Her: Well, we discussed it about a week later and decided that it was kind of a good thing, what you did. We were more at peace. We didn’t have to worry any more about whether Mom was going to drink tonight or if you would wake up the next day.

Me: You know that we raised you in a fundamental church. That was my fault. When we lived in Houston we were going to a liberal Presbyterian church. The choir director was gay, and we even let K20 stay at his house for a party once. Then we moved to the country and I started going to a Bible study there. I asked your dad if we could start going there. It was extremely conservative, and I thought that maybe it would cure me or that at least I could hide my sexuality better if everyone that I was a fundamental Christian. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. But then it backfired.

Her: You need to tell K20 this because she doesn’t understand why you did that.

Me: Remember when I stopped going to church about four years ago? It was because I just couldn’t sit there any longer and be around people who thought that my Jesus, my Saviour, loved me so much (sarcasm) that he would send me to hell for being who I am. I was baptized as an infant and again as an adult. Everyone celebrated and thought that was wonderful. But then when they found out I was gay, it was like my baptism never took place. And now for the big question. Do you think your mother is going to hell?

Her: No, I don’t. People at church ask about you. They are glad when I tell them you are doing better.
(shocker there)

Me: Well, you know that the church sent me a letter and told me that I was no longer “allowed” to take communion and that I was going to hell?

Her: (She hadn’t heard about the note that I could tell.) I think they had the right to tell you that you could not come back because you didn’t agree with their beliefs but they didn’t have the right to tell you you were going to hell.

Me: It took me about eight months until I was able to take communion without crying.

Her: (crying) And this weekend on the way home from retreat they were bashing Catholics (really crying). (Her paternal grandmother is Catholic)

(She said that her adopted mom and family that she hangs with also don’t think I’m going to hell.)

Me: We raised you in a bubble. If you believe what they are teaching you, that’s my fault. There is a whole other world out there. Your church is in the minority way of thinking.
(and then I told her about our church, the organ music, the old hymns, the people, about some of the teens who have been kicked out of their homes because they are gay while their pregnant 16 yr old sisters get to stay home. I told her about Prayers for Bobby, about how God didn’t heal Bobby because there was nothing wrong with him. How he killed himself and that could have been me. How there are probably quite a few closeted gays in her church and that there are definitely some gay kids in her theater group.)

Her: Yeah, at least two I can think of.

Me: I don’t want you to think that you are better than other people. I told her that when the church is gay bashing, there are gay kids in the congregation who are listening.

Her: I don’t.

(She proceeded to tell me about how she is tired of the way her church talks about other denominations and that the Bible says if you take Jesus as your savior you are a Christian. Yes, people worship different ways and believe different things, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t Christians. I reminded her about the time the people across the street told us we weren’t Christians because we let our kids watch Disney movies. I went to their door one time and the kids were playing in the living room while Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom was on the T.V; you know, the one where they have a live sacrifice and take the guy’s beating heart out of his chest?)

Me: Remember how I used to get you two to watch Rosie O’Donell’s movies and Ellen? I wanted to see how you would react when you found out I am gay. I told you about Clay Aiken coming out so that his son would always know his real dad.

(I also told her about A Fish Out of Water and what it is about. I told her she could watch it one day with me if she wanted to.)

We talked about J. She thinks that someday in the future she will be able to meet her but not right now. I’m sure I left a lot out, but that’s all I can think of right now. If you made it to the bottom of this post, congratulations, and please feel free to comment!

Wordless Wednesday

A Mother Writes

Here is a quote from Mary Griffith nine years after her son's death:

To all the Bobbys and Janes out there, I say these words to you, as I would to my own precious children:

Please don't give up hope in life, or in yourselves. You are very special to me, and I am working very hard to help make this life a better and safer place for you to live in.

I firmly believe - though I did not, back then - that my son Bobby's suicide was the end result of homophobia and ignorance with-in most Protestant and Catholic churches, and consequently within society, our public schools, our own family.

Bobby was not a drunk, nor did he use drugs. It's just that we could never accept him for who he was - a gay person.

We hoped God would heal him of being gay. According to God's word, as we were led to understand it, Bobby had to repent or God would damn him to hell and eternal punishment.

That I ever accepted - believed - such depravity of God toward my son or any human being has caused me much remorse and shame.

What a travesty of God's love, for children to grow up believing themselves to be evil, with only a slight inclination toward goodness, and that they will remain undeserving of God's love from birth to death.

Looking back, I realize how depraved it was to instill fals guilt in an innocent child's conscience, causing a distorted image of life, God, and self; leaving little if any felling of personal worth.

Had I viewed my son's life with a pure heart, I would hav recognized him as a tender spirit in God's eyes.

I would have seen a life that, for the most part, parallels the heterosexual life: being; learning; working; loving and caring for another human being; having someone to grow od with, someone to share the joys and sorrows of life with, someone to share God's wonderful world with.

We never thought of a gay person as an equal, a lovable and valuable part of God's creation. What a travesty of God's unconditional love!

Is it any wonder our young people give up on love, as Bobby did, and the hope of ever receiving the validation they deserve as beautiful human beings?

Is it any wonder sucide statistics are increasing among young people, and even more so among young gays and lesbians?

Bobby dropped out of high school in April 1981, two months before his graduation.

With the right help to fight the homophobia surrounding him, he might have found the hope and encouragment he needed to finish school.

As a result of my son's death, I have joined other caring people to try to make a pathway with knowledge and understanding within our public school system, a pathway that in time may be traveled with dignity and freedom from fear, for gay and lesbian students, and any student who is subjected to discrimination.

Promise me you will keep trying.

As Tina Turner says in her song, "Love and compassion, their day is coming; all esle are castles built in the air."

Bobby gave up on love. I hope you won't. You are always in my thoughts.

With love,
Mary Griffith
Walnut Creek, California

Wordless Wednesday

Name That Character

No one guessed last week's character. It was Benita Bizarre from the Bugaloos, played by Martha Raye.

Here is this week's character. What was the character's name, the show he was on, and who played him?