Thursday, April 30, 2009


Waving "hello" to my new friends, E and L who live in San Antonio! I got to meet them both at their beautiful home Saturday night, and the four of us went to dinner at Tomatillo's. The manager brought us a complimentary order of nachos, and the margaritas were wonderful, even though I believe I may have had an allergic reaction to that brand of tequila! We enjoyed swapping love stories, and J and E had a lot of catching up to do. These are our first gay couple friends (not sure how to word this sentence), and I have to admit, it is a bit different for me, especially the conversation. Very laid back and comfortable to me, though. Can't wait to go back to S.A. and meet some of their friends! If I am unsuccessful making gay friends here in Houston, maybe I will at least be able to make some there!
If I don't find a job before June 1st, I am getting back on a plane -- believe it or not -- and going to Florida to see my grandmother, I imagine for the last time. I need some time with her alone, to tell her about J and I, and to hang out with her one more time. She is the coolest grandma you can imagine. I am going to miss her sooooo much one day. She has survived two mastectomies and countless other surgeries and procedures. She is the most "unlazy" person I have ever known in my life. She is 90, and today washed down all of her patio furniture. Tomorrow she will wash her car. I hope and pray that I will still be as active as she is in my old age. Old age. Shudder.
*** Note to Lorrie and Rebecca*** HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

It's Still There!

After about five months, it's still there on the bridge!!!


Seen at Devil's Backbone, underwear in a tree? I guess it was a dare.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

A Few Pics from Our Trip

#1: Me at Devil's Backbone. I can't stand this photo because my hair is blowing, but J liked it. #2Me and J at Gristmill Restaurant in Gruene, Texas

#3: J at Aquarena Center in San Marcos, Texas. Isn't she beautiful? #4: Me again with the blowing hair at Aquarena. That glowing neon necklace around my neck is leftover from our margarita glasses the night before. J bought me the alumni shirt at the campus bookstore.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Doggie Doo Doo Interview

So ya want to know how the doggie boutique interview worked out? Just read the title of this post. I can only assume that the lady had already interviewed someone ahead of me that she had decided to hire. The interview went like this:

Her: Do you shop online?

Me: Yes, on Barnes and Noble, Amazon, etc.

Her: So tell me about your retail experience (even though she has my stupid resume in front of her)

Me: Nine years recent experience. Owned and operated my own retail business for nine years. Moved three times because my company grew from 800 sq. ft. to 12,000 sq. feet. Maintained an online store of 11,000 to 13,000 items. Ran every aspect of the business by myself until it grew so large that I hired and managed five employees.

Her: Is that all?

Me: Umm, yes.

Her: That's IT?!!! (What the ____?)

Me: Well, I worked for Eckerd's for a year in high school.

Her: Do you have any merchandising experience?

Me: (I am taken aback from the last question and am now speechless. ) Excuse me? What do you mean by that?

Her: Merchandising. You know, pricing items?

Me: Umm, yeah. I wanted to scream --- "I owned and and operated my own BLANKING retail business for nine yearsfor Christ's sake! I set ALL of the prices! Have you been listening?"

That was about it. I could tell that she wasn't even listening to a word I said. She didn't even tell me ANYTHING about the position, except to say that she wanted to be open more on weekends, and I wasn't interested in weekends and that "no news is bad news, and news is good news." she will make a decision by the end of next week.

So, poo. Oh, well, it wasn't meant to be.

Friday musings

Was on my way home from work today, driving in a 40 mph zone. Looked down, and I was cruising along at a smooth 60 mph. Tell me I'm not ready to get home!

My boss was practically begging me today to work this summer, even if I can just work a couple of hours a day, even if I need to take off to go out of town. Is she kidding? I don't even want to work for her NOW much less this summer!

Tomorrow is prom. Both of my girls are going. Both of them got new dresses which I have not seen, and new shoes. Years ago, I used to daydream about their proms, of them getting dressed, me helping them do their hair and makeup. Taking their photographs. But that is not going to happen. They will not have their mother helping them. It is heartbreaking. I will probably get a few texted pictures from one of them but not the other. There are so many memories that I am not making with them, and it breaks my heart. I just pray that on their wedding days, that they will change their minds about my involvement in their special day.

But there is a bright spot to my weekend! J and I are going to San Antonio tomorrow! And we are staying in San Marcos!!!! I cannot wait!! Life is good afterall.
I do not want to go to work today. I do not want to go to work today.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

You May Have a New Partner!

Okay, okay. I read maybe twenty blogs a day, and what can I say? I sometimes get you girls mixed up. I KNOW that FG and Leo go together (I have been reading them forever). I know that Rebecca and Lorrie go together. I know that GG and CC go together. Hmmm, after that, I get some of you paired up with the wrong partners. I will be reading a blog and think to myself, "Now, wait a minute. That can't be. She is so and so's wife!" For some reason, this is especially true between bloggers who share common blog background colors. Guess I AM pretty visual. I am going to have to make some kind of log or something to keep you all straight (no pun intended); it's ridiculous! Maybe some kind of blogger tree? Do any of you do the same thing? PLEASE remember that I am with J!!! LOL I am too embarrassed to say the women I have mixed up, but it would make for some hysterical reading, let me tell you! I think photos help me a lot, but I know that many of you do not like to post photos. So please excuse my posts if I accidentally hook you up with the wrong girlfriend/wife in my comments. It is NOT intentional. Julie and Vodka Mom, I don't hook you up with anyone, just so you know. I've got you in the right places! But, Julie, I hope to see you paired with that special someone soon.

Tomorrow is the interview at the doggie boutique. Can you see me selling dog clothes? I love dogs, so this can't be a HORRIBLE job. There are internet sales involved, which I have done lots of in the past. My ideal situation would be for the owner to say to me, "By the way, we (his/her partner) and I are gay. Do you have any problem with that?" I would probably take that job immediately. Ha ha. My biggest fear is that it is run by a fundamental Christian family. I don't want to reveal my life during an interview, but I am hoping that someday I will find a job where I won't fear coming out later on. By "fear", I mean that people at the company will not make my life miserable because of my relationship with J. Wish me luck! Will update ya on Friday!

Picture Day

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Meme for today

Five names you go by:
[First name], which I can’t stand.
[Short version of my first name]
Flipper, only by J, and only when she is in a romantic mood

Three things you are wearing right now:
gray parachute pants, a salmon-colored blouse, brown shoes

Three things you want very badly at the moment

for J to get home
A new job
An ice cream cone (now I see why those people waited in line so long)

Two people who will probably fill this out
not sure. I think everyone else already has.

Two things you did last night
searched the internet for a job
Cooked dinner

Two things you ate today
lunchable (gag) and a hard-boiled egg

Two people you last talked to on the phone
An assistant at the school

Two things you are doing tomorrow
shopping for a pair of slacks

Two longest car rides to Canada and back again from Texas
To Colorado and back again from Texas

Two of your favorite beverages
Sonic Diet Coke with regular cherry syrup

My Tuesday

Today was a wild day. I got my new student yesterday. He is a challenge. He goes into the bathroom to escape work. Tomorrow he is going to have a 2-bathroom break limit in the morning.

Went to Ben & Jerry's for my free cone, but the line was out the door, across the parking lot, and down the street. It is really hot outside. Why would people stand outside in the Texas heat for an hour and a half just to get a free cone, which is probably half-size anyway?

I don't have much to say in this post. Going to post a meme. This school year cannot be over soon enough. I have a job interview Thursday. Please pray that it is full-time and something I am looking for.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Saturday Plans

I have really enjoyed reading your blogs this week. There are some interesting things going on in your lives. Life is humming along here.

Easter turned out better than I thought it would. J and I went to church. Boy, did it ever rain buckets that morning. Being the wonderful woman she is, she went and got the car for me so that my Easter dress would not be drenched. Drove up to my parents' place about an hour away with Easter baskets, a book for my dad, and a bottle of white wine in hand. Came home with all sorts of crap. Turns out, my mom bought me a t-shirt on her trip, and I was the only one who got one! Borrowed some of her books with her blessing, and Dad sent a Reader's Digest about job hunting. Ex gave me some more of my CD's he found. Now if I could just get some of my DVDs.

Everyone kind of talked around me for the first 15 minutes or so. Seemed like they were in conversations that they had been in before my arrival. My girls were super quiet the whole day. My brother and his wife were pleasant to me and still on their "Costco is king" kick. Lunch talk centered around my mom's leukemia update (good results) and people from the past we had spoken to. About a 30-minute conversation after lunch about topsy-turveys (the plant that hangs upside down), and then it was time to do dishes and sit around waiting for our stomachs to empty so we could have dessert (from Costco, of course). After dishes, ex and I had a long talk with the youngest about her myspace page, driver's ed, and school. We watched the golf tournament, and my mom addressed daughter's graduation invitations. Dessert happened, and then we listened to my parents' squabble over whether there was a blinking light at a certain intersection I was to turn at on the back roads to take my grandmother home. I hugged my dad, my grandma, my youngest, and then my oldest turned around and walked off when it was her turn. I followed her and hugged her. I wasn't going to hug my brother, but he came up and hugged me when I was literally "sneaking" out the back door. No "I love yous" this time between he and I, which we usually do. So, all in all, a less stressful Easter than Christmas, that's for sure.

Daughter and I drove through a hailstorm Thursday night, and now I have a ding in my windshield that I hope I can have fixed before it starts to crack. It stormed really badly here yesterday, and we are due for more rain today. Would love to stay in bed with J all day and listen to it hit the bay window, but I am going to have lunch with my grandma, and she is going to have lunch with her mom.

I spoke to my parents several times this week about one thing or another, and they have been just as nice as can be to me on the phone.

I was reprimanded several times this week by my boss. She always starts out by saying, "You know I love you but..." She always tries to hold my hand, which I am learning to keep behind me.

I am getting a new student Monday who will be a challenge. He reminds me of a student I had years ago. He is extremely intelligent, but he seems to cover up his low self-esteem with a "tough boy" attitude. Should be an interesting week. He is definitely one who is going to try to test me and see what he can get away with, I can already tell.

I hope all of you have a great weekend!

Friday, April 17, 2009

More About Me

1. My ex… is a good father.
2. Maybe I should… get pregnant.
3. I love… J and my kids.
4. People would say that I’m… quiet until you get to know me.
5. I don’t understand why…people are so mean to each other.
6. When I wake up in the morning… I want to go back to sleep.
7. I lost my… ring that my mother gave me for my 30th birthday.
8. Life is full of… challenges.
9. My past…is embarrassing.
10. I get annoyed by…people who brag.
11. Parties are… intimidating.
12. I wish life was not… so complicated.
13. Dogs are… people in disguise.
14. Cats are… not my favorite people.
15. Tomorrow is…hopefully, not Sunday.
16. I have a low tolerance for… guilt.
17. If I had a million dollars… I would feed hungry children. No one should go to bed hungry.
18. I’m totally terrified… of losing J.
19. My partner… is the most amazing person I have ever known.
20. My life is… fulfilling.

My Skirt is Giving Me a Headache

Those of you who have been reading me awhile know that I have OCD. I am not sure that J knew what she was getting into when we reunited because when we were younger, I was not diagnosed with it, and I really didn't know how to explain it. It did not really get bad until around 1991 or so, and we weren't together at that time.

My OCD is a bit difficult to treat because even though I do still have a few "rituals", most of my OCD is obsessive rather than compulsive. I just want to thank J for sticking by me even after living with me since October. I know it cannot be easy.

I have thoughts that are totally unrelated to anything, that make absolutely no sense, and they will sometimes stick around for weeks. A recent example would be my obsession with the fact that the last package of Tostitos we bought are oval-shaped, not circular-shaped. I will think about this at all times of the day, while going to sleep at night, and -- well, at very intimate times, as well. Who wants to be intimate with someone who is thinking of Tostitos.

Like one of my students told me this week, "Ms. B, my skirt is giving me a headache." While one has absolutely nothing to do with the other (her skirt was too tight), each feeling or thought must be realized and dealt with. Otherwise, it will continue to stick around. Such is the idea of CBT -
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, which has been a lifesaver for me.

So if you know someone with OCD tendencies, I highly recommend it. It is not pleasant to think about, but facing your obsessions will eventually make them less powerful.


Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Dear God,
I need a new job. Could you please drop one from the sky, and preferably with benefits.

Monday, April 13, 2009

My Blogroll

I have two sets of bloggers that I read: The ones I follow and the ones which I've bookmarked. Which list are you on? What makes me drag you from bookmarked into my follow list?
1. You blog on a regular basis. Doesn't have to be every day, but if you appear to abandon your blog I don't follow you. I never take you off my favorites, though, unless you start offending me.
2. Speaking of which, I am more likely to follow you if I am not met with a content warning while opening your page. Not that there is anything wrong with a content warning, but you will notice that the blogs I follow do not have this. End of comment on this one.
3. You tell me what's going on with you day to day. I appreciate all the informative articles, youtubes, memes, etc. But I also enjoy reading about where you live, what it is like there. how you spend your time. You can be boring as hell, but I'll continue reading.
4. Your blog cannot be solely about politics. I'm all for gay marriage, but I just don't want to hear about it or your favorite candidate every day.
5. Write about the love of your life. I would say that this is #1 on why I choose to follow someone these days. I am a hopeless romantic, and knowing that someone else out there is loving the person they want to love like I am, makes me smile. I don't want to hear graphic details of your sex life (Thank you CC for today's post), but I love to hear about your lives together, how you met, your struggles, etc.

On the other hand, my list of bookmarked blogs is growing weekly. There are some of you on that list that I simply have not felt compelled to share with the world. You are all mine. LOL Sometimes I will share a link of yours, though. Who the heck cares if you are on either list? No one, but I guess I wanted to point out that followers are not the only ones who read our blogs. How do YOU determine who you follow and who you do not? Do you do anything specific to gain more followers? Is it important to you to get more followers? One blog I read has 365 followers. He is probably a professional writer or should be. But he basically just writes about his family, and look at all the followers he has! I couldn't take the pressure.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Happy Easter!

I am soooo torn. I want to spend Easter with J, but I want to see my kids and give them their bags. Why does it have to be this way, and does it have to be this way forever? I want to arrive at my parents' looking happy and healthy, but it is about an hour drive, and I'm going to cry the whole way there. My face will be red and puffy.

J and I are going to church in a little while, and I am afraid I will cry all the way through it. Some sadness, but mostly overwhelmed. This will be the FIRST time I have heard the Easter story and been told that Jesus died and rose for me, the REAL me. I am so scared I am going to break down in church. But I need this, I need to hear this news for the first time ever. And I need to take it in and bury it deep in my heart so I can carry it with me throughout the year.

Friday, April 10, 2009

What's Going Right In Your LIfe?

Got this from Don't Lick the Ferrets who got them from Tina. So I thought I'd give it a try.
What's Going Right in My Life:

1. My Wife -- she eats my cooking, sleeps with me even if I snore, waited for me for 23 years, married me, remembers my birthday, is the best kisser in the world (read previous posts), opens doors for me, holds me when I cry, slow dances with me, buys me flowers, gives me the last Pop Tart. Seriously, in short, she is my world.

2. My kids -- oldest is finally graduating from high school, which we were told would never happen. Youngest lights up my day when she tells me she still loves me.

3. My job -- I don't like it, but at least I am employed, and it keeps me from staying home under the blankets all day, which is what I would do.

4. My dad -- he may not like what I am doing, but it is obvious that he still loves me somehow. He and I have come a loooooong way since high school.

5. My new church -- somehow I think this will be my saving grace in that I may make some new friends and find some answers there that I have been searching for my whole life.

6. My friend L -- who supported me through this entire coming out process and held my hand during one of the most difficult and painful moments of my life.

7. My friend V -- who still considers herself as a friend of mine and actually notices if I haven't called her in awhile

8. My counselor -- helps me to try to understand OCD and control it as best as I can, and who supports me in every decision I make


I have a problem with my head. It is too big. It gets in the way a lot and gets hit by or on inanimate objects. About 20 years ago, I was in a library doing some research on a microfiche machine. If you are too young to know what microfiche is, I hate you. I lifted my head up and hit the front of my head on the machine, and it bled. From then on I have had a small bump or sometimes a scab-like thing there. If I rub my head there, it always hurts, yep, for the past 20 years.

After that, hitting my head seemed to be a semi-annual occurrence, and this year has been no different. A few weeks ago, I was getting stuff out of the trunk of my car, and I hit my head on the hatchback. Again, same spot.

Yesterday at work, I was sitting at the computer in the office, and another teacher who had a headache opened the cabinet above me to take out a box we keep medicine in. She dropped it on my head. The admin asst said, "Now B has a headache, too!" A bag of ice and one accident report later, I was going to be late to pick up my daughter.

J acted like I had a hematoma or something. I guess after Natasha Richardson's accident, she had a valid concern. But come one, I am ALWAYS hitting my head. My head is hard. You should see some of the things I have hit my head on - the bottom of a pool, the ceiling of an RV (don't ask), cabinet doors, the tops of car doors (I am spacially challenged when it comes to sitting in a car). Maybe that's the explanation for how weird I am -- I keep hitting my head. Maybe the next time I will get the weirdness knocked out of me.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009


Last month I wrote about experiences in elementary school. Now I move on to junior high. How majorly traumatic.

Seventh Grade:
I moved to a new school. It was a junior/senior high school. 7th through 12th grade all together under one roof does not for wonderful experiences make, especially for the 7th grader.
Nothing prepared me for this major change in my life. I looked hideous, of course, with braces still on my teeth and acne covering my face like moss on a tree. My mom would take me to ther dermatologist. They tried everything, medicine, ultraviolet rays, finally ending with acne surgery. They would cut into zits and blackheads, leaving my face very red and puffy. Then she would take me to school from there. I would spend the car ride filling the newly cut holes in my face with liquid foundation. Now, I'm sure that really helped the zits!

There was no other word to describe me: I was ugly, ugly as hell. Ever seen Never Been Kissed? Josie Grossie, that was me! There was no boyfriend for me that year, believe me! Looking up from below at some of the senior jocks was a scary experience. They were giants! My locker was in the farthest building, down the very last hall, to the very end by the exit door, outside of Mr. Cornelius's class. About two months before school was over for the year, I wised up and paid an upper classman to use her locker, but it was not much closer (just around the bend) to really make a difference in my being late for class. Most of the year, I just stumbled between the three buildings (one of which was two-story) with my arms LOADED with books for almost all of my classes. It was really the only way to not be late. I had no room for a lunch in my arms, so I would have to wait in the long lines for a "hot" lunch and have about five minutes left to eat it before I had to go back to classes. I was in the school band, but decided I wanted to do something else to have fun and make more friends, so I joined the pep squad. I remember nothing whatsoever about that experience, nothing.

My most humiliating class was gym. I hated changing clothes in front of others in the locker room. And I HATED the outfits. It was a white, button-up blouse, with long "knickers" that ballooned out in both directions from the legs. We all looked like clowns. And where did we sit dressed all in white? On the dirty gym floor, that's where! So now we all had black circles on our butts, to boot!

In gym there were two bad girls, Jocelyn and Natalie. Man, they were bad ass girls. They were always teasing girls like me. One day, somehow, that got a hold of my purse and stole my billfold out of it. Then they tried to flush it down the toilet in the locker room. It was full of photographs of friends from my old school, and they were ruined. I was devastated. This is where I had heard rumors of another lesbian, one of the coaches. It didn't phase me one way or the other; I really could have cared less. I was just trying to make it through 7th grade.

This was also the year that I learned about death. My best friend's grandfather died that year. She was so upset. No one close to me had ever died, but I still remember how she described hearing that he died, like "fire going through your entire body." And when I learned of my own grandfather's death when I was 20, I remembered her young words at that very moment, and she had described it perfectly.

Sometime towards the end of my 7th grade year, I got contacts and was on my way out of the "ugly duckling" phase come hell or high water! Not sure how much I will write about 8th grade because it is pretty much a blur.

Letter Sent

Below is a letter I sent to a local radio station today regarding a radio host's comments this morning:

April 8, 2009
Dear Mr. Patrick,
I have been listening to Ed Hendee for years, since he replaced John Mathews years ago. I think he’s wonderful and have met him and Nina several times, as well as eaten at his restaurant A Taste of Texas. But I have to tell you that I was most disappointed in comments Ed made this morning regarding Michelle Obama. I did not vote for her husband and am not a fan of Michelle’s at all, but Ed referred to her as a “political witch.” Pat Gray replied, “Oh, you mean a ditch?” And Ed responded, “Go back two letters,” and then mentioned that the word sounded kind of like “beach.” I am just glad that my two teenagers were not in the car listening at that time as they sometimes are. I feel like it was said in extremely poor taste. Thank you for The Voice of Texas and for allowing me to voice my concerns.


________, Houston


Yesterday, 6-yr-old Sy looked down at my ring and asked, "Ms. B, do you have a husband?"
I said, "Yes." She asked, "What is his name?" I replied, "hm-sh-dsfksdfkjdakdj," in other words, mumbling. She repeated, "His name is what?" Again, I answered, "hm-sh-dsfksdfkjdakdj." She ran off and told a friend, "Hey, Ms. B's husband's name is hm-sh-dsfksdfkjdakdj."

I love the gullibility at this age. One day I had brought about a hundred q-tips in my lunchbag that I was going to use for a project. When I took out my lunch, q-tips spilled out onto the table. The kids asked, "What are all those q-tips for?" I replied, "I was going to eat them for snack, but now that they've touched the table, I may just have to throw them away." At least two of the younger ones went home and told their parents that their teacher eats q-tips.

Years ago, a guy who taught with me (our rooms were joined) always told his first graders to be quiet when they came in the door because there was a baby sleeping in his closet. The rumor spread quickly to my classroom since we were basically in the same room.

One year after Easter, I put a trail of partially eaten carrots along the window ledge of the classroom. Those first graders were POSITIVE the Easter Bunny had been there! Unfortunately, I cannot do that this year because I am with the kids all the time, so they would see me doing that.

I had a fourth grade teacher who had us convinced (now, this was fourth grade, so she must have been very good at storytelling) that she had antennaes under her hair, i.e. that she was from another planet.

These kids I teach love to sing so I am constantly making up songs to fit situations we are in. Then I catch them singing the songs later. Sometimes they ask me what CD the songs are from. They don't get that I just make the songs up in my head. LOL

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Stupid Comment Award

Reporting on the death of 8-yr-old Sandra Cantu, CNN reports:

While the cause of Sandra's death has not been determined, police consider it a homicide because of the location of her body.

How STUPID is that? She was found in a piece of luggage. What else could it possibly be? Suicide?


On another note, we have cameras all over our school grounds. Someone needs to be watching them. There is a toddler teacher that needs to be reprimanded big time. She had better watch out because I am watching her. She is a ticking time bomb as far as I'm concerned.

On an even more unrelated note: News in the media has prompted me to think up another novel in my head. For those of you who have not yet read my first one, feel free to e-mail me for a copy. I haven't decided if I want to write another one; it is soooo much work! And I haven't really finished up the first one yet! The ending is reallllly cheesy, and I so wanted to change it before I attempted another one.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Interesting Shot of Michelle!

The Dreaded Sunday

Well, it is another dreaded Sunday. I just want it to go slowwwwwly. First, we will go to church. May I just say that God definitely chose this church for a reason. You all know my anxiety over taking communion. I always cry; it's embarrassing. Well, at this church, they have been having communion every single Sunday, so I am getting lots of practice. I seem to cry less and right before instead of 15 minutes before. I still need to get over the touching-the-bread-that-someone-else-has-touched phobia. I get a bit obsessed during the week by a man who takes communion twice. Today I am taking my new pen from the bank to doodle with. Hoping that will help me take my mind off of things.

After church, we will go to a dreaded place -- grocery store. This is where I get to see J in action; it is so cute, her with all of her coupons and her list. I always had a list before, but she is so cute at it and takes it so seriously, that I have left that part up to her. Almost makes it worthwhile going to the grocery store just to watch her! And the way she points with her finger, "Now, you go down that aisle and get this, and I'll go down that aisle and get that." I love being told what to do. Ha ha.

We also need to go to Walgreens and Best Buy sometime today. We will read the paper. I'll cook her a nice, afternoon meal. I will watch the clock the way I always do and count down in my head. I am going to try my best not to appear depressed, but in my head I will be dying inside to let it out.

Surprisingly, I was invited to my parents' house for Easter dinner, so I will get to see the girls on Easter after all! My brother and his wife are going to be there; I am very nervous about that. I haven't seen them since before Christmas. Maybe I will get a new dress for the day. I want to look happy and healthy! J and I know that everyone is on pins and needles waiting for us to break up, like this will just pass. I want to show them that it's not going to.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

I Failed Today

I failed my girls today. They had entries at the Science Fair, and I didn't show up. I feel like a "deadbeat dad." I just couldn't do it. I couldn't walk around by myself and face all those fundamentalist Christians who act like I have a giant "L" written on my shirt. I would have not appeared happy, and happy is what I want to project to the world. I didn't make up an excuse; I just said that I would not be able to make it. And to make matters worse, the 15-yr-old won second place, and I wasn't there to see it, to celebrate with her.

It's like on Thursday nights -- I drop her off at the door of her Christian theater group at 6:30 p.m. and drive to a faraway parking spot, facing my car away from the building. I sit in "my box" as I call it and watch the night fall, praying that no one will spot me sitting there and come up to the window. I watch families go in that I used to hang out with, or some of them were my customers. Moms holding hands with their kids, swinging their arms in the air, smiling, looking forward to a night of fun. The moms sometimes hang around after assembly and chat with one another. I sit there for two hours. I try not to look at the door of the church, because if I do, I start to cry. My daughter is inside without me. Everyone else's mom is inside, at least for a while.

Why can't I be strong? Not one person has actually walked up to me and said outloud, "You are a terrible mother." But I know they are thinking it, so it is just as bad.

I feel like such a failure today. I hope graduation day will be better, if I'm invited to go, that is. I was supposed to stand on stage and give her her diploma. Luckily, the ceremony was moved to another church because of space. It was supposed to have been held at my old church, the one that kicked me out. I would not have been allowed in to give it to her, so I think God had a definite hand in that.

Twenty Questions

1. What color are your eyes? green
2. What do remember most about your first crush?nothing
3. Describe chocolate. sweet, velvety, delicious
4. Have you ever put your life in danger for a stranger?yes
5. If you were a geometric shape, what would you like to be? Why? curvilinear triangle because I am out of shape
6. Do you have an "ex box" with pictures and letters from past lovers? no
7. What is a typical day in the life of your dictionary?I don't own one anymore since being with J, but I bought new ones for the classroom last week, and the kids are using them daily.
8. What is your favorite thing to do when you are alone? sleep
9. If you were asked to take a picture of one thing that best describes your life what would it be? a roller coaster
10. Would you rather kiss a crocodile or a bear? Why? a bear. There is nothing "cute" about a crocodile.
11. What traffic sign best describes your love life? "One way street"
12. Does the number of people a person has slept with affect your view of them?depends on the number, so yes
13. Describe something that's happened to you for which you have no explanation. J came back into my life
14. What's the most interesting biography you've read?can't recall. I rarely remember anything I've read.
15. Do you like guacamole?love it
16. Where do you go for advice? J or L
17. What did you have for lunch yesterday? a taco and a quesadilla
18. What is your favorite way to eat a cockroach? stupid question if you ask me
19. If you could go to Disney World with any celebrity alive today, who would it be? The Roc because he could push all the people out of line so I could go to the front. My own personal Fast Pass.
20. How did you escape from the alien space ship? Parachute

Friday, April 3, 2009

I'm the Man!

Six-year-old S told me yesterday, "Ms. B, you look just like my daddy." Curiously, I asked her why -- this has got to be good! "My daddy has gray hair, and his teeth are huge!" I asked, "Are you saying that I have gray hair and huge teeth?" She said, "yes." Now, I have seen this girl's dad. He is a helicopter pilot in Iraq, muscles of steel, shaved head for the military, and tats covering his body." I have none of these. Gray hair? J spent a fortune having my hair highlighted to cover the gray! I am going to complain to H my hairdresser! As for being compared to a man, I haven't dressed butch in about three years. Hmmmm. I think it is time to go shopping for a new wardrobe.

On another humorous note, here is something that I hope never happens to any of you. During a candlelit, sensuous, romantic moment, trying to impress your spouse (or however you wish to describe it), I pray that a dryer sheet does not fall out of your pants. Yep, it happened to me. J was rolling on the couch laughing, and I was pissed off. It totally ruined the moment, but J said it made it even more memorable.

Those of you who went to Vegas with us may also remember as we were exiting the monorail to go to the MGM, how I magically pulled a dryer sheet out of my shirt.

J and I played hooky AGAIN! There was something loose in my trunk that was making a noise when I accelerated or stopped; I needed to have that checked out. Okay, I admit that we did not leave the apartment until almost noon, but, hey, it was lunchtime. After we dropped the car off, we went to lunch at Pappasitos with a gift card. The shop called to tell me that it was just the lug wrench that had broken free, so I asked them to change the oil. Went to pick up her taxes. We've been lazy the rest of the day.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

April Fool's Day

So today the kiddos did much better. Yea! When we were on line (in a circle you would call it), I told them:

Thank you for coming today. I am not sure why you came to school today considering that it is Saturday. I had many things to catch up on over the weekend. I sure appreciate you wanting to come in, though, and that your parents took time out from their busy weekend activities to drop you off. We will now go by twos to the office to call your parents to come pick you up! The expressions on the young ones' faces was hysterical!

Well, there is still a woman who is trying to be "mom" to my youngest daughter, and I don't like it one bit. My daughter says that she texts this woman every time she comes out of a class or leaves work. She played a text message April Fool's joke on my daughter today that I thought was kind of strange, telling her a drunk man ran his car into her house, la da da da da. She embellished the story for about an hour, and my daughter was saying, "I will pray for you," blah, blah, blah, before the lady told her it was a joke.

One joke I thought was kind of funny: my daughter's friend E called another teenage friend we know R last night and said, "Let's make a bet and see who can stay up the latest." R stayed up all night and had to go sit through to Les Miserables this morning. Nothing wrong with the show, but she couldn't fall asleep during it! It was an April Fool's prank. E slept all night, and when my daughter last spoke with R, she was heading for a nap.

I can't wait for J to get home! I want to make her dinner and curl up in her arms!!! I love this woman so much!!!!