Monday, March 28, 2011


Softball has turned out to be very therapeutic for me, but let me back up a bit. I used to play in junior high and then stopped when band (football games) and working got in the way of schedules. I was a really good player if I do say so myself. It was fast pitch. I played pitcher, 1st and shortstop. I could pitch and hit but couldn't run fast or throw a ball far.

When I found out that our church had a co-ed softball team I became interested but put off inquiring about it because of 1) my age, 2) my weight, and 3) I had never played slow pitch. I tried it once years ago but couldn't hit the ball.

So I borrowed a glove a few months ago, and decided that if I could hit the ball, I would buy my own glove and join. So here I am, now a member of the church softball team of 15 members, but only 5 are actual attendees of our church. We are in a gay/lesbian softball league which at times makes me embarrassed or offended, not because people are gay but because of the actions of some of the teams. I am quite sure that if a team in a church league cheered to the top of their lungs, "2, 4, 6, 8, do it like you masturbate", that they would be reprimanded for it. There are children attending some of these games and there is some PDA there that is uncomfortable even for me, even if it would be from heterosexuals. However, hanging around the "gay" ball field has helped me be more comfortable out in the open with J as a couple, and I am extremely thankful for that. Back in the '80s we could have never let on that we were "together." It's rather humorous because instead of trying to guess who is "gay", we are trying to decide who's "straight." LOL

The first few games I was put out in right field, and you know what that means. That's where they put the people who can't play worth crap. But then when you miss a once-in-a-blue-moon fly ball in right field, everyone looks surprised and disgusted and wonders why they put you in that position. And, of course, I was put second from the bottom of the 15-person batting order.

For two weeks, I have to tell you, I was bored. to. tears. I was already having trouble warming up to my coach. During one of my first batting practices, she looked at my fingernails. I said, "I know I need to cut them. I have an appointment next week." She replied, "What does your girlfriend think about that?" I said, "We do just fine, thank you."

And then there was this past Saturday, when she wanted me to bat. I said that I needed to get my batting gloves on first. I bought them because sometimes my left hand will sting when I bat. She announced to the team something like, "Well, we all need to wait while B puts those batting gloves on. She thinks they'll help her hit." I was boiling inside, boiling so much that I got up to the plate and hit the shit out of the ball, not once, not twice, but more times than I could count. Into left center, over second base, over short stop's head. Take that!

Our usual 2nd basewoman was not there so I decided that I was going to take the chance to show everybody that I don't belong in right field. Before anyone could get situated after a water break, I took 2nd. Didn't ask. Didn't care. And I stopped every damned ball that came my way, including a low fast hit ball between shortstop and 2nd that I reached out to for the hell of it and caught by total accident. The manager kept saying to the coach, "She hasn't let a ball go by her. I hope you're taking note of it."

Later, they put me at 1st, and the coach said, "Show me what you got." So I did. I was so excited but it wasn't until the first game on Sunday when it really paid off. They started me at 1st. I only played two innings each game because we have so many players, but I stopped or caught every ball and even made my first legitimate game hit, to left center. When I hit the ball I was thinking about how J and I have been treated the past 2 1/2 years and how angry I am about it. It felt so good to take my anger out on something and I plan on doing it again and again.

I had forgotten how much I love the game of softball. Standing on first, swaying my hips, waiting for that ball to be hit, chattering for the pitcher, scared to death that a ball is going to come to me, and always thinking to myself, "I dare you to hit it right here sucka!" And I love hanging around the ball field, the occasiional breeze, the smell of the french fries and frito pies, watching someone else's game to see how good they are., waiting patiently with the team with a ball in my glove to see who wins the coin toss. My aching head, skinned knees and shoulder, bruised hip, and broken blood vessels in both hands are all worth it. I am even contemplating on playing this summer in a church league. I know I'm crazy in this Houston heat, but it's the only exercise I have enjoyed so I want to take advantage of it if there's a team available. I hear they constantly rotate players anyway due to the heat so I wouldn't have to play several innings at a time.

Thank you for reading and I hope I haven't offended any right fielders out there. It's just not for me. Oh, and I have been working on my novel. It's coming along!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


This photo was taken on Saturday during the game I sat out. J came to the ball field to cheer me on and keep score at the tournament. I love being with J, doing something, sharing an experience outdoors. I was never an "outdoor girl", but I think I have kind of missed it. I have been extremely depressed this week about the girls (they still haven't contacted me), but looking at this photo brings a smile to my face. I love you, my darling!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Monday, March 14, 2011

We Made It To MI

Those were the five words texted to me this morning by K20, the most she has texted to me in a looong time. Still haven't heard from K17. Talking about role reversal. I have been pretty upset about it, but J has been wonderful, allowing me to show my sadness off and on all weekend.

Saturday we took a drive into downtown H-town so that I would know how to get there for the AIDS Walk 2011 and where to park. Of course, yesterday at the walk, they wouldn't let me park where we thought I could park and I was forced to exit the lot in a different direction, but it all worked out.

Then we drove to Katy to look at a school that I have an interview at today. I am dreading this interview because I consider it a complete waste of my time, gas money and more mileage on my new car. But I'm going, even if it's just for practice. I don't think they can offer me what I need to make being a small school. Well, you never know whose paths you may cross again in the future so I'm going to try to have a good interview.

On the way home on the freeway, a damn rock hit my brand new windshield. I asked J, "Did it crack it?" She said, "nope." About 30 minutes later another damn rock hit my windshield. J said, "But that one did." Damn.

The walk yesterday went "okay." The worst part was waiting around for 2 hrs before it started. There wasn't anywhere to sit down (except the grass), and I didn't want to make a fool of myself trying to get up. I didn't feel the love from the team I had joined so I walked alone. This way I could pass people by weaving in and out as I wanted to. I felt really lonely but I did it, and I'm glad I did. The walk wasn't to benefit me so no right to complain. Not having someone to talk to along the way just gave me time to think, and I don't need time to think right now.

The tsunami news has also got me down and J hasn't been feeling well lately. I am looking toward Memorial Day, my next day off! Oh, well, wish me luck on the practice interview.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Checking In

Well, this past week has been depressing. I found out on Tuesday from my father, of all people, that the girls are driving to Michigan from Texas with four other girls and one adult. He realized after he said it that he had let the news slip. K17 being a minor, I should have been informed that she was traveling out of state; I should have even had some input on the decision. After my dad realized what he had done, he handed the phone to my mother, who enthusiastically disclosed the girls travel plans. My parents lent the girls their GPS and an ice chest for the trip. She admitted that my ex was nervous about them going all that way.

I was driving during this conversation (another good con for driving and talking at the same time). I completely broke down in the car, mostly from anger. I called J but couldn't calm down. I told her it was time to send "the letter." By the time I got to the parking garage of our building, I was physically shaking. I called my therapist who was waiting for her plane at the airport. I can't believe she picked up. She told me to not mail the letter until the morning, after I had time to think it over. When I entered the apartment, I slammed the door and broke down in sobs straight from my gut. I hadn't cried like that since the night I left.

The next day, I mailed it. There is nothing "bad" in the letter, but it could change my life in ways I'm not sure I'm ready for. It basically tells them that I am going to lay low for awhile, that they are not including me in their lives and don't want to be a part of mine. I have been patient for 2 1/2 years and it's time for me to stop putting my life on hold; I need to move on. So I will wait and hope that one day they will want a mother/daughter relationship with me. They only contact me when they want something and show no interest in seeing me just to be with me. And, of course, K20 never tells me she loves me, ever. I wrote at the top of K17's letter (they had the same letter), " Some of the things in this letter may not apply to you, so take them as food for thought," because she has made more of an effort than K20.

So the day after I sent the letter, K20 e-mails me and tells me that to be honest she was going to ask if we could get together in a few weeks (yeah, right), not next week because she will "be busy", not mentioning the trip. She said that she will be going to the dr. in a few weeks, and IF I want to go with her I can, but she doubts I will want to get together with her after reading my letter. And that she loves me and misses me even though I probably don't believe her.

K17, the one I am closest to, has not responded to the letter at all. I wasn't expecting that. J asked me what it was that I expected. I guess I would get at least an "I'm sorry, Mom." I thought I would hear from K17, not K20. I feel like I may have lost my daughters for good. So I have become depressed and have been taking it out on myself with food, food, and more food. And then the earthquake and tsunami hit, so of course I am obsessing about that.

Tomorrow I am walking in the AIDS 2011 Walk. Our team has $80,000 plus in pledges. I am hoping that the walk will cheer me up. Oh, and we finally sold my car last night. I am hoping that good things will distract me from the bad thoughts.

I have been reading your blogs from work so I haven't been able to make comments.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Two Years Ago

Two years ago yesterday, March 1st, J an I had our commitment ceremony in Vegas. Doesn't seem so long ago. We are celebrating with free tickets to the rodeo Thursday night to see Sugarland.

Life is treating us well right now. We are about to overcome a major financial hurdle this month so we will be able to take some more trips in the future, one being to San Antonio in April.

I am attempting to play slow pitch softball. Not sure how much help I am to my team mates since I am so out of shape. I was surprised to get so many base hits in practice this past weekend, and they put me at first base. That made me feel better.

I am still doing Weight Watchers, and while I can't say I am enjoying it, the pounds are starting to come off. I am walking in the AIDS Walk 2011 for the first time on March 13th and exceeded my $300 goal so I am pumped about that.

Saturday my grandmother may come to our church for a pasta dinner. I haven't told her yet that it's a gay church (kind of slipped my mind). Don't ya think I should warn her? I will spring that on her tonight or tomorrow to give her a chance to back out.

I continue to be a disappointment to my dad and all the other members of my family.

Still trying to find the time to finish my book. Life is getting busy and I like that. Less time to mope and complain about missing the girls so much it hurts. But my life must go on...

Well, that's it for now.