An event at work on Monday got me thinking about safety. The mediation was almost finished, the case was being settled in favor of the plaintiff. Either my boss or his attorney said something that set him off. The plaintiff took out a large, what can be described as a hunting knife, put it up to his throat, and announced that he was going to kill himself. He also implied that he had a firearm attached to his leg.
This all took place in the back conference room, away from my sight. But, still, after it was over and done with, I was left feeling unsafe. I mean, what could have happened, the unthinkable - he could have tried to cut or shoot someone else. In fact, what's to keep him from coming back to the office some day and doing us all in? The security guards in our building do not carry weapons. We have to rely on faith that we are safe, but we may not be.
Public places, private places, does it really come down to luck, fate, what? I remember when the gunman in Killeen, Texas shot and killed people in a Luby's Cafeteria, whose only mistake was to choose one eating establishment over another. We lived in a very small town, and every time we would go into Luby's, I would sit where I could eye the front door, in case I needed to push my kids under the table. I eat there about once a month now, and still, to this day, feel a bit unsafe.
I look back on my life and cannot really ever feeling safe, ever. Even when I said I felt safe, I really didn't. I am not afraid to die, but I would like to take J with me wherever I go because with her is where I always want to be. Being tucked in her arms, close to her body, feeling her breathe in and out, hearing her heart beat is the closest thing to safety I have ever known.