Thou Shalt Not Love - Part 3 or Jump, Monkey, Jump!

From the author:

So I came to think that perhaps God was not helping me change because he rejected me as a person. After all, evangelical leaders said thousands of homosexuals had changed their sexuality with God's help, yet God apparently was not helping me in those efforts.

I tried changing my sexuality so many times. I am ashamed of some of the things I did to try to change. I also went the evangelicals' way about it: through prayer, lots of Bible study (which is so confusing and contradicatory), even went to a "healer." My conclusion was that there was either something terribly wrong with me or God hated me so much that I was not worth curing. But on the other hand, I was always told that God doesn't make junk. He made me, so what did that make me?

One preacher on TV I can't stand right now is Ted Haggerty. He claims to be cured of his sexual orientation but admits he still has homosexual urges. Okay, how is that different? I liked the way he attempted to stand up for Jennifer Knapp the other night on Larry King in that we should not judge one another; God is the ultimate judge. But he still kept going back to how homosexuality is a sin. After reading Thou Shalt Not Love I no longer believe that it is. Yes, you can change the behavior but not the orientation. And if you change your behavior you will be miserable for the rest of your life because you will either 1) be alone the rest of your life and celibate, or 2)lie to others the rest of your life and be miserable because you are spending it with the wrong person. Personally, I think God wants me to be happy. I am his child. Don't we all want our children to be happy, fulfilled and with someone they love as long as that person is not hurting them?

I think Ted Haggerty is giving gay Christian men especially a false hope. It's not the homosexuality that binds you up and makes you feel trapped; it's the hiding from the homophobes.

Today is going to be a historic day for me. I am friending a person and it is going to out me to a lot of people I'm not sure I want outed to (parents of my ex-students). But the time has come! Everytime I come out, a monkey jumps off my back. One day I will be monkey free! (It was hard finding a jumping monkey photo!)

Thou Shalt Not Love - Part 2 or True Love is a Wave

From the book:

Former Roman Catholic priest and now psychology professor Daniel Helminiak explains:

Sexuailty means much more than physical arousal and orgasm. Attached to a person's sexuality is the capacity to feel affection, to delight in someone else, to get emotionally close to another person, to be passionately committed to him or her. Sexuality is at the core of that marvelous human experience, being in love - to be struck by the beauty of another and be drawn out of yourself, to become attached to another human being so powerfully that you easily begin measuring your life in terms of what's good for someone else as well as for yourself.

... When people deny their sexuality, they also deny themselves intimacy and emotional transparency along with their capacity to express love to another person. So when my pastor and other evangelical leaders instructed me to deny my homosexuality, they were really telling me to not love.

Boy, this passage really speaks to me and of me. Most people, I think, see gays only in terms of who one has sexual relations with. To me, it's not what's going on between the legs so much as what's going on between the ears, i.e. the brain. I dated guys in high school and beyond. They were all pretty good people. In other words, I didn't date scumbags. Some were wild; most were not. I don't remember being truly comfortable with any of them. What I do remember was trying to figure out what I was supposed to be, how I was supposed to act, what I was supposed to do in order to not get dumped; when, actually, I could have cared less that I got dumped except for the fact that other people would know that it happened.

One "relationship" in particular I remember was in ninth grade. We were boyfriend and girlfriend for just a few months. The highlight was the day he gave me his bracelet to wear. I mean, that was always the goal: get a boy to like you and then he'll ask you to go steady. I remember thinking at that moment, "Now what do we do?" So we went through the motions of what we thought we were supposed to do. Basically, all we did was hold hands at school. We hung out maybe twice after school. I don't think we even went on an actual date. He didn't drive yet. Then one day I just walked up to him, handed him his bracelet and walked away. There were no words spoken. No "sorry it didn't work out", "goodbye", "nice having known you", nothing. He began "dating" someone else a while later, and they eventually got married. Who'd have thunk it? Ha ha!

I dated before and after him, but it was always the same: no sparks, no aha moment, just boredom, really. But, hey, I set out to do what I was supposed to do and tried to look like I was enjoying the attention when I really BORED TO DEATH.

I always want to ask homophobes, "When did you discover you were heterosexual?" For me, I figured out I was gay when I got to know J. Yes, I was sexually attracted to someone for the first time that I ever remember; I was so naive I didn't even know what being turned on felt like. But it was so much more than that, like Daniel Helminiak mentioned above.

I could not stop thinking of J. I wanted to be with her every minute of the day. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Even now, I catch myself staring at her at the oddest times, when to me she looks the most beautiful. Sometimes I just have to touch her, even if it's just on the arm or holding her hand. Ours is such an emotional bond, it's scary sometimes. I cannot imagine my life without her.

If we are preached at to not love a person of the same gender and we are homosexual, then, yes, we are being told not to love at all. I could never not love J. I could stay away from her like I did for 23 years, but I could never not love her. And I refuse to be without her from now on. I gave it 23 years, people. It didn't work. You can't chase true love away. It is like a wave coming back to the shore. AND YOU CANNOT COMMAND ME NOT TO LOVE!!!

She Makes Me Smile

National Coming Out Day

Come out, come out, wherever you are...

I think we should have a National Coming Out Day. How many celebrities have come out already this year? Ricky Martin, Meredith Baxter, and now Jennifer Knapp! It's about time! I'm sure there are others I just can't think of right now.

Just think how much better off the GLBT community would be if all GLBT closeted celebrities would agree to come out the same day. I mean, what a boost it would give others who have wanted to come out but have been too scared.

Who should be there when the opening bell rings on National Coming Out Day? Well, for starters, Barry Manilow, Anne Murray, and Oprah Winfrey. Can't you just see it? So come out, come out, people. It only hurts for awhile, like a band-aid coming off. Then it has nowhere to go except better.

Be sure and watch Jennifer Knapp on Larry King Live tonight!

Thou Shalt Not Love - Part 1

I am going to do something different for a change to get myself out of this stupid writer's block. I am currently reading "Thou Shalt Not Love - What Evangelicals Really Say About Gays" by Patrick M. Chapman, Ph.D. It is the kind of book that I just want to breathe into my pores and savor, like the scent of a freshly bathed and powdered newborn. I just can't get enough of it.

I am going to highlight an excerpt from the book and then comment about it. This will not be the only contents of my posts, but it will give me something to write about when I am completely stumped. So here it goes:

Speaking about being in the closet:
Family secrets are a common problem for homosexuals, keep the secret can cause significant psychological and emotional difficulties... the internal conflict can be resolved by coming out of the closet, which is not a single event but rather a process of acknowledging first to oneself, and then to one's family, friends, and co-workers, the one is gay or lesbian.

Significant psychological and emotional difficulties. Hmmmm. I didn't exhibit any of those, did do I? (Insert loud roar here.) Well, there were just a few:
1. OCD, which was not caused by my being in the closet but was aggravated by my stress and anxiety living a lie.
2. Paranoia
3. Depression, which, again, may be hereditary but was amplified tenfold by keeping such a secret hidden for so long
4. Low self-esteem
5. Fear
6. Suicidal thoughts and attempts (failed, thank God)
7. Loneliness
8. Anger
9. Lack of trust
10. Shame
11. Lying
12. Smoking and drinking in excess to harm myself

My internal conflicts resolved by coming out:
1. OCD - still there but manageable
2. Paranoia - very limited
3. Depression - much subsided
4. Self-esteem has improved
5. Fear - I no longer fear losing my family or daughters; they have not abandoned me totally. I no longer fear I'm going to hell.
6. No more suicidal thoughts or attempts
7. I am no longer lonely.
8. I am no longer angry at the world, just situations.
9. I think trust has been quashed; can't seem to get over this one.
10. I am no longer ashamed of who I love.
11. I no longer lie to others to cover up who I am. (except to my grandmother - hoping that will be resolved in the future)
12. I no longer smoke. I only drink to relax or have fun, not to harm myself.

Yes, I would say that coming out has been a VERY good thing for me. How about you? If you are not gay, is there something you are hiding that you can let go of?

Some Recent Photos of My Girls

One Word Meme

Tiffany, I stole another one! These are great when one has writer's block, which I definitely have!

Hair - highlighted
Your mother - denial
Your father - stern
Favorite Food - Mexican
Dream Last Night - weird
Favorite Drink - cherry diet coke
What room you are in - office
Hobby - sleeping
Fear - homelessness
Where were you last night? - home
Something you aren't - skinny
Muffins - boring
Wish list item - Kindle
Where you grew up - Houston
What you are wearing - jacket
Your pet - none
Friends - thoughtful
Something you're not wearing - shorts
Favorite store - Barnes and Noble
Favorite color - purple
Last time you laughed - yesterday
Your best friend - J
Best place you go over and over - San Marcos
Person you e-mail regularly - J
Favorite place to eat - Pappasitos

She's More

Ten Things About Myself You May Not Know

I was tagged by Tiffany over at Come What May. If any of you have read my blog for more than a day, you may already know this stuff:

1. I went to clown school in the '80s. My "talent" was making balloon animals. I was the head of the clown ministry of my church, and I loved it. Unfortunately, my skin did not like the make-up, no matter which brand I tried. I was a painter clown named "Splash." I carried a paint can that had toys and trinkets in it to give away to people. My sidekick was Bubbles the clown. He was in a motorized wheelchair with a bubble machine attached to it. Since he was a quadreplegic, he followed me or I followed him and we did an act together.
2. I am afraid of needles. Deathly afraid. I have never given blood for this reason. I am actually more afraid of the tourniquet than the needles. Since having gestational diabetes testing and two epidurals against my will during two pregnancies, I have learned to relax a bit before having my blood taken. But it is still a major phobia for me.
3. I almost drowned when I was seven years old. It happened on the Bolivar peninsula near Galveston. I had a life review so I know it was serious, not just "I'm in over my head but can dog paddle to get back." I was only in waist-high water and got caught in an undertow. My mother saved me. I remember asking her if we were going to die. She said, "no," but years later told me that she thought we would not make it to shore.
4. I was almost forced into a car by a stranger about the same time in my life. It happened in front of the neighbors' house next door. I remember the guy telling me to come closer, that he could not hear what I was saying to him. I don't even remember the question he asked, directions or something. The closer I got to the car, the more anxious I felt. I jumped back as soon as he opened the car door. I remember running towards the house screaming. That's something my parents taught us to do, even back then.
5. I have OCD. This may not be a surprise to most of you. I think the first hint of it was around ten years of age. I wish they would have come up with the diagnosis back then. It really explains a whole lot about my life. I am so happy to see youngsters with OCD these days getting help so early.
6. I love thunderstorms, especially if I am home. I am afraid of close lightning. Thunderstorms and cuddling with J. Hmmm. What else is there to say?
7. I love national traumatic events. Okay, I know this is so weird. Please don't dislike me for that. Probably has something to do with my OCD. I think I like the constant focus on the news, a reason to constantly "check" updates on a story, something to mourn, a reason to be sad, the coming together of a community. Unlike most people, I don't mind that the media is saying the same things over and over again, speculating because they don't have the full story yet. That is what keeps me coming back to "check" the updates. And as most of us OCDers know, checking is life.
8. I have a mole on my left hand that makes my hand look like a parrot's head when I hold it a certain way. This has kept kids entertained for hours, not to mention satisfying their constant need to pull on the mole to see if it will come off. Ouch! It is also, I must confess, how I learned my right and left hands as a child.
9. I feel stupid most of the time. Yes, that is true. I have a hard time being around intellectual people because I feel I will not understand what they are discussing. I don't like numbers. I am a sore loser at games, not because I am upset that I lost, but because I feel stupid for losing. Hope that makes some sense. This made it very difficult to lose a game of dominoes to J the other night even though I won the first game. Some of the things people mention on FB make me feel left out, i.e. poets, politics, etc. I just ignore those posts.
10. I don't care for "desserts." I really don't. Strange, I know. I will eat chocolate cake like crazy, especially if it has been refrigerated and cheesecake is to die for, but I'm actually not into eating them after a meal. I would rather have them as a treat or as a meal in itself!

A Novel Approach

If you read mystery novels like I do, this may sound familiar:

"I entered my apartment, quickly showered, threw on a pair of 501's and a tight fitting T-shirt. Not enough time to primp, so I washed my face and applied a touch of black mascara and a dab of lip gloss. Slipped into a pair of low-heeled sandals, and off I went."

I made the above paragraph up, but it is typical of what I read in most mystery novels. Janet Evanovich and Lisa Scottoline come to mind right now. The heroine is never standing with her hands on her hips in front of her closet full of clothes that don't fit, screaming, "What the hell am I going to wear today?" Or rummaging through her dresser drawers hunting for a bra and pair of panties that she doesn't have to squeeze into like sausage meat into its casing.

The ticker above shows you my weight loss so far. But what I really want is to lose inches so that I can go out in a slinky black dress or tight jeans and J won't be able to take her eyes off ME all night. From now on I am going to marvel at what I CAN fit into, not what I can't. So that is my new approach to weight loss.

A Joke for Today

I got it from this month's Reader's Digest.

My friend's mother told me about the two women who had moved in next door.
"I can't understand why there's no man in the house," she said.
A week later, she decided to clear things up.
"Hello, Jean," she said, leaning over the garden fence. "I hope you don't mind my asking, but are you and Lisa leprechauns?"
She came back into the house and announced, "Well, she said no, and that's good enough for me."

Fire!

Here's a photo of the fire next door to us today, a 3-alarm. It happened at 9:30 a.m. J said there were around 20 firetrucks, and there are still some in front of our condo at 6:00 p.m. 10-12 cars were on fire on the seventh floor of the parking garage. Our living room faces said parking garage.

Thought You Might Need Something To Cheer You Up

I know I do.

Rejection

This has been a bummer two days. J and I are both feeling rejection from our families right now. While it is true that our immediate families have not kicked us out of their lives, sometimes it feels like they might as well. Well, at least it does to me.

I mean, I came out in order to stop the lying. I know the initial shock was very upsetting, but it has been a year and a half, people. I seriously think that they would rather I have continued living a lie and pretend that I was happy for the sake of keeping a family together. I know my daughters were hurt that I left them and their dad. I. get. it. I really do. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I don't expect my girls to accept J as a friend or a co-parent or a part of their family. But the time has come for them to actually meet her face-to-face, if only just once. J did not break up our family; I did. I don't know how much more of this I can take, I really don't. Feeling like J and I should just go back into hiding like we did in college.

Some Goals

I have some goals for the next month or so. Of course, one is to continue working on the weight loss. I need to be more diligent in the "moving around" catagory. I am spending too much time sitting down. Continue job hunting. Also, I want to finish my current editing of my novel and add the new ending. My newest goal is to write an outline for my next book. I have my trusty purple, 70-sheet, one-subject notebook. I have made headings every ten pages. Now all I have to do is start the process. Next to editing, the outlining process is always my hardest part. If any of you have ideas to help make it less painful, please let me know.

Happy Easter! He is Risen!

Okay, another holiday. I used to love Easter, I used to love Christmas. You would think I would look forward to being with my girls for a few hours. Not. I want to be with J. I want us to be a family. It just sucks. On holidays sometimes K16 will sit on the couch with me, but K19 does not. So I almost always just head towards a single chair for the day. It's like my "time out" or "dunce" chair. That way, it's not so awkward. It's not making the girls choose. I feel sooo guilty while I'm there because all I do is look at the clock to see when I can sneak out. Always praying that my brother has to leave early to go to his in-laws' home for a second meal and I can tail him out the door.

I haven't written in awhile; there is just not much exciting to say. I made it through the week-long trip to Florida with my oldest and my parents. It was nice, but I just couldn't be me. I wore my wedding ring, but no one said anything about it. My grandmother griped at me about everything. It's her perogative; she just turned 90 and is not feeling well. She still acts like she doesn't know about me and J. As usual, I imagine she knows in her heart but is in denial, just like she is about everything else.

J and I had a nice time at the symphony last night; they played Gershwin and a little bit of Berlin. It was so nice to be out with her on a date. I had missed that. She twisted her knee coming down the stairs, though, so I am not happy about that.

I am still looking for a job with benefits. I know the right one will just fall into my lap; they always do. My boss will be out of the country for two weeks in May, so that would be a good time to interview. Maybe God is waiting until that time.

Still working on the weight loss. See ticker above. I am reading everyone's blogs even though I may not comment much. See you next time.

"A symphony is no joke." Johannes Brahms