Softball

Softball has turned out to be very therapeutic for me, but let me back up a bit. I used to play in junior high and then stopped when band (football games) and working got in the way of schedules. I was a really good player if I do say so myself. It was fast pitch. I played pitcher, 1st and shortstop. I could pitch and hit but couldn't run fast or throw a ball far.

When I found out that our church had a co-ed softball team I became interested but put off inquiring about it because of 1) my age, 2) my weight, and 3) I had never played slow pitch. I tried it once years ago but couldn't hit the ball.

So I borrowed a glove a few months ago, and decided that if I could hit the ball, I would buy my own glove and join. So here I am, now a member of the church softball team of 15 members, but only 5 are actual attendees of our church. We are in a gay/lesbian softball league which at times makes me embarrassed or offended, not because people are gay but because of the actions of some of the teams. I am quite sure that if a team in a church league cheered to the top of their lungs, "2, 4, 6, 8, do it like you masturbate", that they would be reprimanded for it. There are children attending some of these games and there is some PDA there that is uncomfortable even for me, even if it would be from heterosexuals. However, hanging around the "gay" ball field has helped me be more comfortable out in the open with J as a couple, and I am extremely thankful for that. Back in the '80s we could have never let on that we were "together." It's rather humorous because instead of trying to guess who is "gay", we are trying to decide who's "straight." LOL

The first few games I was put out in right field, and you know what that means. That's where they put the people who can't play worth crap. But then when you miss a once-in-a-blue-moon fly ball in right field, everyone looks surprised and disgusted and wonders why they put you in that position. And, of course, I was put second from the bottom of the 15-person batting order.

For two weeks, I have to tell you, I was bored. to. tears. I was already having trouble warming up to my coach. During one of my first batting practices, she looked at my fingernails. I said, "I know I need to cut them. I have an appointment next week." She replied, "What does your girlfriend think about that?" I said, "We do just fine, thank you."

And then there was this past Saturday, when she wanted me to bat. I said that I needed to get my batting gloves on first. I bought them because sometimes my left hand will sting when I bat. She announced to the team something like, "Well, we all need to wait while B puts those batting gloves on. She thinks they'll help her hit." I was boiling inside, boiling so much that I got up to the plate and hit the shit out of the ball, not once, not twice, but more times than I could count. Into left center, over second base, over short stop's head. Take that!

Our usual 2nd basewoman was not there so I decided that I was going to take the chance to show everybody that I don't belong in right field. Before anyone could get situated after a water break, I took 2nd. Didn't ask. Didn't care. And I stopped every damned ball that came my way, including a low fast hit ball between shortstop and 2nd that I reached out to for the hell of it and caught by total accident. The manager kept saying to the coach, "She hasn't let a ball go by her. I hope you're taking note of it."

Later, they put me at 1st, and the coach said, "Show me what you got." So I did. I was so excited but it wasn't until the first game on Sunday when it really paid off. They started me at 1st. I only played two innings each game because we have so many players, but I stopped or caught every ball and even made my first legitimate game hit, to left center. When I hit the ball I was thinking about how J and I have been treated the past 2 1/2 years and how angry I am about it. It felt so good to take my anger out on something and I plan on doing it again and again.

I had forgotten how much I love the game of softball. Standing on first, swaying my hips, waiting for that ball to be hit, chattering for the pitcher, scared to death that a ball is going to come to me, and always thinking to myself, "I dare you to hit it right here sucka!" And I love hanging around the ball field, the occasiional breeze, the smell of the french fries and frito pies, watching someone else's game to see how good they are., waiting patiently with the team with a ball in my glove to see who wins the coin toss. My aching head, skinned knees and shoulder, bruised hip, and broken blood vessels in both hands are all worth it. I am even contemplating on playing this summer in a church league. I know I'm crazy in this Houston heat, but it's the only exercise I have enjoyed so I want to take advantage of it if there's a team available. I hear they constantly rotate players anyway due to the heat so I wouldn't have to play several innings at a time.

Thank you for reading and I hope I haven't offended any right fielders out there. It's just not for me. Oh, and I have been working on my novel. It's coming along!

Togetherness

This photo was taken on Saturday during the game I sat out. J came to the ball field to cheer me on and keep score at the tournament. I love being with J, doing something, sharing an experience outdoors. I was never an "outdoor girl", but I think I have kind of missed it. I have been extremely depressed this week about the girls (they still haven't contacted me), but looking at this photo brings a smile to my face. I love you, my darling!

Wordless Wednesday

We Made It To MI

Those were the five words texted to me this morning by K20, the most she has texted to me in a looong time. Still haven't heard from K17. Talking about role reversal. I have been pretty upset about it, but J has been wonderful, allowing me to show my sadness off and on all weekend.

Saturday we took a drive into downtown H-town so that I would know how to get there for the AIDS Walk 2011 and where to park. Of course, yesterday at the walk, they wouldn't let me park where we thought I could park and I was forced to exit the lot in a different direction, but it all worked out.

Then we drove to Katy to look at a school that I have an interview at today. I am dreading this interview because I consider it a complete waste of my time, gas money and more mileage on my new car. But I'm going, even if it's just for practice. I don't think they can offer me what I need to make being a small school. Well, you never know whose paths you may cross again in the future so I'm going to try to have a good interview.

On the way home on the freeway, a damn rock hit my brand new windshield. I asked J, "Did it crack it?" She said, "nope." About 30 minutes later another damn rock hit my windshield. J said, "But that one did." Damn.

The walk yesterday went "okay." The worst part was waiting around for 2 hrs before it started. There wasn't anywhere to sit down (except the grass), and I didn't want to make a fool of myself trying to get up. I didn't feel the love from the team I had joined so I walked alone. This way I could pass people by weaving in and out as I wanted to. I felt really lonely but I did it, and I'm glad I did. The walk wasn't to benefit me so no right to complain. Not having someone to talk to along the way just gave me time to think, and I don't need time to think right now.

The tsunami news has also got me down and J hasn't been feeling well lately. I am looking toward Memorial Day, my next day off! Oh, well, wish me luck on the practice interview.

Checking In

Well, this past week has been depressing. I found out on Tuesday from my father, of all people, that the girls are driving to Michigan from Texas with four other girls and one adult. He realized after he said it that he had let the news slip. K17 being a minor, I should have been informed that she was traveling out of state; I should have even had some input on the decision. After my dad realized what he had done, he handed the phone to my mother, who enthusiastically disclosed the girls travel plans. My parents lent the girls their GPS and an ice chest for the trip. She admitted that my ex was nervous about them going all that way.

I was driving during this conversation (another good con for driving and talking at the same time). I completely broke down in the car, mostly from anger. I called J but couldn't calm down. I told her it was time to send "the letter." By the time I got to the parking garage of our building, I was physically shaking. I called my therapist who was waiting for her plane at the airport. I can't believe she picked up. She told me to not mail the letter until the morning, after I had time to think it over. When I entered the apartment, I slammed the door and broke down in sobs straight from my gut. I hadn't cried like that since the night I left.

The next day, I mailed it. There is nothing "bad" in the letter, but it could change my life in ways I'm not sure I'm ready for. It basically tells them that I am going to lay low for awhile, that they are not including me in their lives and don't want to be a part of mine. I have been patient for 2 1/2 years and it's time for me to stop putting my life on hold; I need to move on. So I will wait and hope that one day they will want a mother/daughter relationship with me. They only contact me when they want something and show no interest in seeing me just to be with me. And, of course, K20 never tells me she loves me, ever. I wrote at the top of K17's letter (they had the same letter), " Some of the things in this letter may not apply to you, so take them as food for thought," because she has made more of an effort than K20.

So the day after I sent the letter, K20 e-mails me and tells me that to be honest she was going to ask if we could get together in a few weeks (yeah, right), not next week because she will "be busy", not mentioning the trip. She said that she will be going to the dr. in a few weeks, and IF I want to go with her I can, but she doubts I will want to get together with her after reading my letter. And that she loves me and misses me even though I probably don't believe her.

K17, the one I am closest to, has not responded to the letter at all. I wasn't expecting that. J asked me what it was that I expected. I guess I would get at least an "I'm sorry, Mom." I thought I would hear from K17, not K20. I feel like I may have lost my daughters for good. So I have become depressed and have been taking it out on myself with food, food, and more food. And then the earthquake and tsunami hit, so of course I am obsessing about that.

Tomorrow I am walking in the AIDS 2011 Walk. Our team has $80,000 plus in pledges. I am hoping that the walk will cheer me up. Oh, and we finally sold my car last night. I am hoping that good things will distract me from the bad thoughts.

I have been reading your blogs from work so I haven't been able to make comments.

Wordless Wednesday

Two Years Ago

Two years ago yesterday, March 1st, J an I had our commitment ceremony in Vegas. Doesn't seem so long ago. We are celebrating with free tickets to the rodeo Thursday night to see Sugarland.

Life is treating us well right now. We are about to overcome a major financial hurdle this month so we will be able to take some more trips in the future, one being to San Antonio in April.

I am attempting to play slow pitch softball. Not sure how much help I am to my team mates since I am so out of shape. I was surprised to get so many base hits in practice this past weekend, and they put me at first base. That made me feel better.

I am still doing Weight Watchers, and while I can't say I am enjoying it, the pounds are starting to come off. I am walking in the AIDS Walk 2011 for the first time on March 13th and exceeded my $300 goal so I am pumped about that.

Saturday my grandmother may come to our church for a pasta dinner. I haven't told her yet that it's a gay church (kind of slipped my mind). Don't ya think I should warn her? I will spring that on her tonight or tomorrow to give her a chance to back out.

I continue to be a disappointment to my dad and all the other members of my family.

Still trying to find the time to finish my book. Life is getting busy and I like that. Less time to mope and complain about missing the girls so much it hurts. But my life must go on...

Well, that's it for now.

Sonic and Other Sirius Subjects

So I went all the way across town tonight (an hour away) to pick up my car title for my old soon to be sold car. On the way home I stopped at a Sonic and ordered my usual Route 44 diet coke with regular cherry syrup drink. J always teases me about it for two reasons. 1) She can't understand why I would order a diet drink with a sugary syrup. Answer: the diet syrup gives me a headache. 2) She thinks I pronounce "syrup" wrong. I pronounce it with a short i sound; she pronounces it with an er sound. How do you guys pronounce it?

Anyway, there were days when I would order this particular drink every single day; we lived by a Sonic. Since we have moved into town, I get it about once or twice a week. I had not been to this Sonic location in about a year or so. Imagine my surprise when the Sonic worker came out with my cup in her hand and announced "It's on me. You're here everyday so you don't need to pay tonight." Hmmm. I didn't tell her the truth. Nice to know that there is some other soul out there who drinks the same drink I do. I bet SHE/HE doesn't get teased for it! So I got a free drink. It's just as well - it wasn't that great.

I have spent the day talking to angry and/or incompetent people. I am so ready to find a new job.

My daughter did great in The Sound of Music! One of my best friends whom I lost when I left came up and hugged me at intermission. You could have knocked me over with a feather. And the next day she actually friended me on Facebook!

I am really seriously thinking about changing my last name soon. I am that ready. J and I have to sit down and discuss the repercussions, and there will be many. Have any of you (other than Jessie) changed your last name to match your husbian's?

I have started listening to OutQ 109 on Sirius radio. Still not sure what I think about it. Some of the talk shows are good. Sometimes I have to change the channel, though. TMI for me. I really like Rosie's show and didn't think I would. So far she hasn't been obnoxious at all.

Sister Berthe

She is the mean nun, the one who sings "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria." She got picked to sing the reprise of it. So proud. This photo was taken at dress rehearsal, thus the empty seats.

Finishing and Starting

Today I gave two homeschool workshops. I was afraid no one would show up since it's the middle of the school year, but we had a decent turnout and all went well. Passed out my flyers and business cards in the end, so maybe I will get some interest there.
Now that the workshops are done, my new goal is to get started on finishing my novel. That's one of the reasons I bought this netbook. I have so many plans for the subplots; it's just so dang overwhelming and the thought of the editing process is a nightmare to me. My hope is to have it ready for final editing before the end of 2011.
I am back on weigh watchers. Lost 7 1/2 lbs this week. It's all fluid, I know. A friend of mine lost 50 lbs since August, so she has inspired me to diary every single thing I put in my mouth.
Last Sunday I wrote down everything I was going to eat every day for the week, including snacks. I really think the diary is the key. It's amazing how many calories we pop into our mouths without even thinking about it. Every little thing does add up.
I hope all of you are having a great new year! My youngest is Sister Berthe in The Sound of Music this weekend. From what I have heard, she did an excellent job on opening night. I am going to the matinee tomorrow.
J and I have renewed our lease here as we like it very much. She and I both got new cars at the end of December. No more worries that I will break down on the road. My car is already dirty, which I hate. I bought a sandwich at Chick-Fil-A on the way to my parents' today and put it in the trunk because I don't want the new car smell to go away!
All the news I can think of for now.

2010 in Review

January 2010


* I didn't do too well on my resolution.
* I talked to my 13-yr-old self.
* My parents ignored my invitation.

February 2010

* I came out to a friend.

March 2010

* I brought my daughter to our apartment.

April 2010

* I still wasn't able to come out to my maternal grandmother.
* I started another book in my head but dropped the idea pronto.
* J and I faced rejection for the umpteenth time.
* The first of many fires starts in our neighborhood.

May 2010

* I finally came out to my maternal grandmother.
* As usual, I was treated like a queen.
* I questioned my sanity.

June 2010

* J and I joined the church.
* K20 told me she loved me for the first (and last) time.
* I know longer felt safe at work.
* I started an OCD blog.
* I helped decorate the pride float.
* My paternal grandmother started sleeping with a potato.

July 2010

* I got an astronomical number of hits from this one post. Go figure.
* I got acquainted with the stairwell at work.

August 2010

* K17 made me proud.
* K17 and I finally have the talk.
* K20 and I finally have the talk.

September 2010

* K17 admitted she knows a bisexual.
* My parents met J after almost 30 years.
* J was in a major wreck.
* I got a new do.

October

* I want on a Facebook fast for the month.

November

* J and went on a day trip to Brenham.

Going to lunch and shopping with my daughters today. Life is good.

Catching Up

I just noticed that I haven't posted since early December. Wow. Christmas is over; we made it through. I have seven days more days off; can't believe it.
We each went to our respective families' homes yesterday after opening our stockings in the morning and eating my breakfast casserole with homemade biscuits. We didn't exchange gifts this year as we both pitched in for a much needed T.V. I can actually see and hear it now!
Each of us is also getting a new car this week! J's Mustang was finally returned to her last week after the September 15th wreck, and we just don't feel comfortable letting her drive it as it should have been totaled to begin with. She picks up her new Mustang tomorrow night; I pick up my Focus Tuesday night. Now we will have one practical car and one for just plain fun!
My family had Christmas at my brother's as my mother had to go to FL to be with my grandmother (the one I am closer to than my mom). My grandmother was originally supposed to come here for Christmas but had a defribrillator put in. It's all a big mess of a story but the bottom line is that my dad spent his first Christmas away from my mom in about 52 years and he was pretty upset about it.
The day went better than Thanksgiving; I didn't have a panic attack, at least. By 4:00 o'clock, everyone was leaving.
When J came home, we watched Netflix and just relaxed.
Tomorrow I have my first appointment with the Rheumatologist and J has to go back to work. My plan is to have the girls over one day next week for movies and pizza. My youngest just got a vehicle but isn't driving on freeways yet, so I will get to put some miles on my new wheels to pick her up. One day I will go spend the day with my paternal grandmother. I also need to spend some quality writing time. My January 15th workshops are coming up soon and I also want to get back to my novel. I have one more book I really want to read - the book about Henrietta Lacks - and then finishing my novel is my goal. I used part of my bonus money to buy a Samsung netbook that I can take places and write when the mood hits me. I can't tell you how many times I have laid in bed, trying to go to sleep, and an idea about my book will hit me.
To all of my blogging friends, I hope that your holidays were great and that you ring in the new year with loved ones. No one should be alone on New Year's Eve.

Wordless Wednesday

Hanging Up

We hung up the pictures!

One More

Saturday night we are having a party. Our guests are bringing Toys for Tots donations. I am so excited!! I love having people over. Okay, well, I should say that I love it when it's over. I spend the whole time beforehand worrying and worrying: will the food be good, will we have enough, will the a/c keep everyone cool, blah, blah, blah.

As usual, we are putting things off til the very end. For those of you who are curious, no, we haven't hung the pictures yet! LOL

I have some errands to do Saturday morning and chickens and a vegetable to cook. I feel guilty for watching the Texans game and The Apprentice tonight. Once we get things done "tomorrow night", we will sit down and watch some Everwood Season 2.

It will work out fine, I know. It always does. I hope everyone has a great weekend. Doris, I wish you could be here! We would have a blast!

Wordless Wednesday

Our Holidays

I had a five-day holiday! It was fantastic and I am sorry it is almost over. I stayed home with J on Wednesday as she had thrown out her back. We were going to hang up pictures, but it was good to just rest. Made my usual spinach dip and chilled the wine for Thursday.

Thursday morning, before we went to our respective Thanksgiving Day dinners, J and I went to Garden Ridge to purchase a comforter set. I cannot believe that I got her into a store, much less on Thanksgiving morning! Here is a picture:










And a close-up of the pattern:



Thanksgiving dinner went okay with my parents, brother and sister-in-law, and my grandmother. My kids were with their dad in Arkansas. Around 3:00 o'clock I felt a panic attack coming on. Nothing seemed right without my girls, and I felt to blame for us not all being together and the conversation always skipping around me and my life with J. So I got up and left before dessert. We were going to hang up pictures that night. I can't even remember what we did.



Friday morning, I was lazy and slept in. It was wonderful. Again, we went SHOPPING that afternoon in search of a mirror to hang over the fireplace. We didn't find one, but I did get the majority of the decorating done:

Friday night, we turned on the above Christmas lights, lit a fire, and watched The Wizard of Oz. I know we really had intended to hang up the pictures.

Saturday I went to visit my grandmother, look at Hondas, and do some research at a store I will be speaking at in January. We went to Spec's in search of cherry rum and then had pizza and pasta at Barry's Pizza. Last night we watched a Hallmark Christmas movie and just chilled. Again, the pictures still lean against a wall in the office.

Today's plans are to go to church for the first time in months, grocery shop, and watch The Amazing Race. Oh, yeah, wait >>>> J, are we going to hang up pictures? Ha ha!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. Thanks for reading!

Wordless Wednesday