Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Love or Obsession ?

Today J and I are going to visit the divorce lawyer and then go to lunch together. I can't wait to see her. It has been two and a half hours since she left for work. I am lonely. I miss her so much. Even when I'm not at home, I am thinking about her all the time. It makes me feel like I'm strange. I asked her about it the other day, if there was something wrong with me thinking about her all the time. She said that that is what it feels like being in love.

I remember feeling this way during high school with her, like letting her go to her first class was going to absolutely kill me. And I remember feeling this way in college FOR AWHILE. Maybe it's the newness of being back together. I hope not. We had a lot of issues in college, I think the worst being that we were extremely isolated from other people. We spent a lot of time and energy covering our relationship up so no one would find out. I think somewhere along the line we literally wore ourselves out emotionally. I am glad we were together for so long, but, I tell you, if that were the case now at my age, there is no way I could do it.

But back to love or obsession. Sometimes I feel that I am hourding J as mine, that I don't want to share her with anyone else. It's not a jealousy, really. It is more of, "Don't you people understand? I have been without her for 23 years! Leave us alone for the next 23 why don't you! Why do we have to go to work or to see family?" But, really, I don't want us to be left alone. We were alone all weekend in San Marcos; but, to be honest, by Sunday, I was ready for us to get back to our new home.

I will see J in one hour and fifteen minutes -- see, I am counting down! I don't know how to describe it any other way; I am comfortable with her. I tell her often, "Please don't die!" She laughs and says I'm silly, that she is in good health. But, honestly, I don't know what I would ever do without her in my life. You decide - am I in love or obsessed?

1 comment:

Rebecca said...

No, you are not obsessed, but I think you have probably by now come to that same conclusion. I am enjoying reading your posts, just found you from a comment you left on our blog.
It sounds so much like Lorrie and I, and after more than two years the constant thinking about has not lessened but our love for each other has deepened.
IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE IN LOVE!! Truly in LOVE! I never knew it was like this before. I thought old sappy movies were just fantasy, LOL. I am glad I stopped by, it is wonderful to see that while different, we have so much in common.