Saturday, November 29, 2008

You're My Everything

Okay, so where did I leave off? Oh, summer of 1979, after taking J to Whataburger. Well, from there, time just drips on, that's the only way I can describe it, dripping, one moment into the next, like the stalagmites and stalagtites in a cavern, in such subtle movements. From fall of 1979 until fall of 1980, every moment just runs together. I remember so many things, but I can't tell you how we got from one moment to the next.

I remember high school marching band practice in the early mornings, in the fall; it was terribly cold at 6:30-7:00 a.m. Somehow I always managed to "forget" my jacket, and J would lend me hers. I loved wearing her jacket; it made me feel so warm, so comfortable, so safe. To me, it fit perfectly. I wanted to wear it all day.

I am going out of order here, as I'm sure I will often, but it must have been late fall, early winter. We were on the marching field. I was not wearing her jacket because we had "broken up" our friendship, our first false breakup. I remember thinking how I just wanted to ask for her jacket back; then everything would be back to normal again.

What happened was this: we were in my bedroom. We were hugging - in a long embrace, mind you, but a hug nonetheless. We had been "hugging" for quite awhile. We used to go to her dad's office in the garage after school and just hold each other for at least 45 minutes to an hour at a time, and we literally had NO CLUE why -- well, at least I know that I didn't. It just was where I wanted to be. All day long at school, all I could think about was the bell ringing and getting over to her house so that I could be in her arms. Anyway, we were in my bedroom hugging, and my dad walked in. Instinct just caused us to jump back. My dad got very upset. I don't remember anything he said to us, but he called J's dad and told him that he was concerned about the two of us. I cannot even imagine the conversation the two had, but I remember J's dad being very defensive. So J and I talked and decided that maybe we were too "dependent" (ha ha) on each other as friends and decided to break up the friendship. We were miserable, and I doubt we even made it through the day.

Our second false breakup was in college, spring semester of 1981. We decided to call it off for one stupid reason or another. We were in the dorm, Smith Hall. She went to one twin bed, I went to another. I think we made it 30 minutes. I'm sure I was the one crying, and J was the one who came over to me and said, "This isn't going to work." Duh.

Our third false breakup was this year. I sent J an email and told her we were just going to have to wait three years. She wrote me back and said, " I'm sorry you feel this way. I will wait for you." I think we made it a few hours. Again, we were both miserable.

For those who think that our relationship is a fluke, something that will pass in a few months, a few years, you are wrong. We have fought to hide and later to destroy our feelings for one another; it never worked. Those feelings have been there since Day One, and they have never been minuscule. I know for me there was never even a "crush." I wish I could explain it. I have had people in my past and present who have asked, "What is it about J? Why do you love her so much? Why are you willing to literally give up all of your material possessions and your friends and your family in order to be with her?" And my answer to that is simply, "I don't know. I just know that I will never be complete without her. It has been that why since the day I looked up and she was watching me play that stupid football game, and I have no clue why."

I was so young and so naive back then. J tried to tell me many times in her own way how she felt about me. One day she played a 45 rpm record for me (yes, a 45). She told me she was dedicating the song to me, but for me to not listen to the part about "kissing your lips" or "I'm in love." But everything else in the song was dedicated to me. "Oh, and don't listen to the part about waking up next to you and looking in your eyes, either. You have green eyes anyway, not brown ones." Okay. And on and on about the "don't listen to the part about..." Well, by the time I listened to the song, there wasn't much left of it. LOL And, once again, it didn't hit me how she felt or how I felt. I think I was simply in denial at that point. By the way, the name of that song is "You're My Everything."And everytime she plays it for me, she has to hold me tight against her because I bawl like a baby. And I want it played at our commitment ceremony.

1 comment:

Sabrae said...

awwww so special!!!