Thursday, November 27, 2008

Thanksgiving '08

For the past 23 years I have wondered about J on holidays, where she was, what she was doing, was she happy? Now, I finally get my first Thanksgiving with her, and I am depressed. That is not fair to her. We are supposed to go to dinner and a movie, and all I feel like doing is crying.

My husband took my two daughters out of state for the week to give them some time with relatives they have not seen in awhile. My parents did not invite me to their home for Thanksgiving. Today, around 2:00 p.m. will sit down with my grandmother and my brother and sister-in-law for our very traditional Thanksgiving dinner. I am hurt. I know I shouldn't be surprised, but a couple of weeks ago they invited me over to see them. My dad asked me what I was doing for Thanksgiving; I said, "I don't know," half-hoping he would say, "Well, if you're not doing anything, want to come up here?" But he didn't.

I know that I should stop feeling sorry for myself and give the rest of the holiday to J; but, you see, this is precisely why we broke up 23 years ago -- we were so young and not ready to allow our family members to turn their backs on us for being in love. Now, 30 years later, you would think that they would try to (not accept us), but at least be able to handle me being in the room with them on Thanksgiving, and I'm talking alone, not as a couple. I know part of the problem is because I left my kids, not just that I have chosen this lifestyle. But, you have to understand, (and I thought they did), that I would not have been alive on this earth much longer if I would have kept going the way I was going.

I have been reading some of your blogs, linked via Butch Girlcat and Freedom Girl. I find that I click on a link, which takes me to another one, and then another one. All of a sudden, I am on blogs that focus strictly on sex with other women, many of whom have multiple partners. Is that what makes you a lesbian? That is not me, and that is not J. We are in it for love. I dont' even look at other women that way. What does that make me? Am I not a part of your community? Where do I belong? Now, I'm not trying to put you women down or say that we are better than you. I just know that today, J and I were in bed, and the last thing I wanted to do was have sex. I wanted to be held in her arms until the end of time. Period. So I am not going to anymore of those links today. I am already depressed. I will just sit here and surf other places until my sweet J comes home to me.

For those of you who visit, if you have any blogs that are not so focused on sex (like Leo's and FG's and some others I can't think of at the moment), please let me know what they are. Thanks!


A. Smith said...

I soooo feel your pain. I have gotten some negativity because I'm a Lesbian, but not an activist. Because I focus my life on my family, my fiancee and our home...not on the "FIGHT". Trust me girl, you are not alone.

Freedomgirl said...

Hey, B., thanks for commenting on my blog, and for the shout out. I think you raise some interesting points.

I would never define 'lesbian' as simply a woman who has sex with other women. It's more complicated than that. Many women I know identify as 'bi' or 'queer' because they mainly sleep with men, but are open to messing around with women. They are certainly not lesbians in my book!

Everyone is different, and there's no judgment on you for not being as interested in sex as some others might be. Clearly you have a lot on your plate right now! I don't write about sex much on my blog, not because I'm not interested, but mostly because I'm worried about my future career and I don't want it to haunt me later on. I think a lot of people use their anonymous blogs as an outlet for their sexuality, since it's not something that people can usually talk about in real life. There is a really pervasive attitude of shame around sex, especially around gay sex, that I think we are all trying to overcome in a quest to feel better about ourselves and our lives.

In my opinion, loving another woman and deciding to make your life together makes you a lesbian, if you have no interest in dating men should you break up. Some women who are monogamously with one other woman still identify as bi, since they theoretically would still date men if they broke up with their partner. One friend of mine refers to these women as 'gay by monogamy', since to the world they are indistinguishable from 100% gay women.

Leo and I spent years and years isolated from the gay community; recently connecting to it, partly through our blogs, and partly through real life events, has made a huge difference. The closet is just so damaging, at least it was for me. I have made such good friends in the past few months, it's been life-altering! So best of luck. You both are so brave for setting out on this path -- I'm so glad you managed to re-connect with each other.

OK, I'll stop monopolizing your comments now! Oh yeah, and if you haven't stumbled across Clementine's blog yet, it's awesome and not about sex at all:

xx FG