Saturday, November 29, 2008

Smith Hall

This is a photograph of Smith Hall, the location of our said second false breakup below. Here is a description of the dorm from the Texas State website:

Smith Hall. Located near the library, Smith Hall sits high on the hill overlooking the campus. Residents are divided among three buildings with a community bath for a closer community. (Community bath for a closer community? I'll say... two showers in one. In order to get to the back shower, you had to go through the first person's shower stall. That feature clinched this dorm selection for us. )

You're My Everything

Okay, so where did I leave off? Oh, summer of 1979, after taking J to Whataburger. Well, from there, time just drips on, that's the only way I can describe it, dripping, one moment into the next, like the stalagmites and stalagtites in a cavern, in such subtle movements. From fall of 1979 until fall of 1980, every moment just runs together. I remember so many things, but I can't tell you how we got from one moment to the next.

I remember high school marching band practice in the early mornings, in the fall; it was terribly cold at 6:30-7:00 a.m. Somehow I always managed to "forget" my jacket, and J would lend me hers. I loved wearing her jacket; it made me feel so warm, so comfortable, so safe. To me, it fit perfectly. I wanted to wear it all day.

I am going out of order here, as I'm sure I will often, but it must have been late fall, early winter. We were on the marching field. I was not wearing her jacket because we had "broken up" our friendship, our first false breakup. I remember thinking how I just wanted to ask for her jacket back; then everything would be back to normal again.

What happened was this: we were in my bedroom. We were hugging - in a long embrace, mind you, but a hug nonetheless. We had been "hugging" for quite awhile. We used to go to her dad's office in the garage after school and just hold each other for at least 45 minutes to an hour at a time, and we literally had NO CLUE why -- well, at least I know that I didn't. It just was where I wanted to be. All day long at school, all I could think about was the bell ringing and getting over to her house so that I could be in her arms. Anyway, we were in my bedroom hugging, and my dad walked in. Instinct just caused us to jump back. My dad got very upset. I don't remember anything he said to us, but he called J's dad and told him that he was concerned about the two of us. I cannot even imagine the conversation the two had, but I remember J's dad being very defensive. So J and I talked and decided that maybe we were too "dependent" (ha ha) on each other as friends and decided to break up the friendship. We were miserable, and I doubt we even made it through the day.

Our second false breakup was in college, spring semester of 1981. We decided to call it off for one stupid reason or another. We were in the dorm, Smith Hall. She went to one twin bed, I went to another. I think we made it 30 minutes. I'm sure I was the one crying, and J was the one who came over to me and said, "This isn't going to work." Duh.

Our third false breakup was this year. I sent J an email and told her we were just going to have to wait three years. She wrote me back and said, " I'm sorry you feel this way. I will wait for you." I think we made it a few hours. Again, we were both miserable.

For those who think that our relationship is a fluke, something that will pass in a few months, a few years, you are wrong. We have fought to hide and later to destroy our feelings for one another; it never worked. Those feelings have been there since Day One, and they have never been minuscule. I know for me there was never even a "crush." I wish I could explain it. I have had people in my past and present who have asked, "What is it about J? Why do you love her so much? Why are you willing to literally give up all of your material possessions and your friends and your family in order to be with her?" And my answer to that is simply, "I don't know. I just know that I will never be complete without her. It has been that why since the day I looked up and she was watching me play that stupid football game, and I have no clue why."

I was so young and so naive back then. J tried to tell me many times in her own way how she felt about me. One day she played a 45 rpm record for me (yes, a 45). She told me she was dedicating the song to me, but for me to not listen to the part about "kissing your lips" or "I'm in love." But everything else in the song was dedicated to me. "Oh, and don't listen to the part about waking up next to you and looking in your eyes, either. You have green eyes anyway, not brown ones." Okay. And on and on about the "don't listen to the part about..." Well, by the time I listened to the song, there wasn't much left of it. LOL And, once again, it didn't hit me how she felt or how I felt. I think I was simply in denial at that point. By the way, the name of that song is "You're My Everything."And everytime she plays it for me, she has to hold me tight against her because I bawl like a baby. And I want it played at our commitment ceremony.

Our Weekend So Far

Friday, J let me sleep in for awhile while she went to get her oil changed. Then we went to the carwash. She got gum on her driver's seat the night before at the movies (Hint: don't go see 4 Christmases) They were able to get the gum off!!!! We then went to Barnes and Noble for some Christmas shopping.

She took me out for chicken fried steaks for lunch. By that time, I was not feeling well, so I guess I was a bit testy. We were sitting in the restaurant, and an old man walked past our table on his way back from the restroom, and he gave us a bad look. J couldn't see it cuz her back was to him. After a few minutes, I overheard him say to his wife something to the effect of, "those two dykes sitting over there." It REALLY upset me. J asked me what he said, but I didn't want to tell her. I was afraid she would go over to him. When he left, she said that, had she known what he had said, she would have told him, "At least I'm not with an asshole like you!"

I told J that, even though we think it has, things have not really changed over the past 30 years. Yeah, we have friends who accept us, but there will ALWAYS be prejudiced people who don't even know us as people who will sling derogatory names at us. We weren't doing anything to this man. It is really taking me awhile to shake this moment.

Fast forward to today, a TOTALLY opposite experience, going to lunch with friends after our photo shoot. Everyone at the table laughing and including us in their conversation, urging us to do a commitment ceremony in February. It just made everything better.

I will post photos from our photo shoot as soon as I get them. I was very uncomfortable, not because we were together, outside, in the public, but because I don't like having my picture taken AT ALL!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Grins Restaurant

Here are some pics of Grins in San Marcos, where we had the great hamburgers and wine coolers! The table where we sat is in the pic, the one at top in front of double doors!

Palmer's Restaurant

Here are some pics of Palmer's, the romantic restaurant in San Marcos I was telling you about. It was almost dark by the time we got there and a bit too chilly to eat in the courtyard. Anyway, we had always eaten inside, so we would have wanted to see the interior.

Lantana Hall

This is a pic of the entrance to Lantana Hall, where J and I lived from August 1981 to May of 1982. I lived there the previous year. For one year, she and I managed to sleep on a twin bed. Quite an experience, or as J would say, "Interesting." I have this pic as the background on the computer.

Thanksgiving '08

For the past 23 years I have wondered about J on holidays, where she was, what she was doing, was she happy? Now, I finally get my first Thanksgiving with her, and I am depressed. That is not fair to her. We are supposed to go to dinner and a movie, and all I feel like doing is crying.

My husband took my two daughters out of state for the week to give them some time with relatives they have not seen in awhile. My parents did not invite me to their home for Thanksgiving. Today, around 2:00 p.m. will sit down with my grandmother and my brother and sister-in-law for our very traditional Thanksgiving dinner. I am hurt. I know I shouldn't be surprised, but a couple of weeks ago they invited me over to see them. My dad asked me what I was doing for Thanksgiving; I said, "I don't know," half-hoping he would say, "Well, if you're not doing anything, want to come up here?" But he didn't.

I know that I should stop feeling sorry for myself and give the rest of the holiday to J; but, you see, this is precisely why we broke up 23 years ago -- we were so young and not ready to allow our family members to turn their backs on us for being in love. Now, 30 years later, you would think that they would try to (not accept us), but at least be able to handle me being in the room with them on Thanksgiving, and I'm talking alone, not as a couple. I know part of the problem is because I left my kids, not just that I have chosen this lifestyle. But, you have to understand, (and I thought they did), that I would not have been alive on this earth much longer if I would have kept going the way I was going.

I have been reading some of your blogs, linked via Butch Girlcat and Freedom Girl. I find that I click on a link, which takes me to another one, and then another one. All of a sudden, I am on blogs that focus strictly on sex with other women, many of whom have multiple partners. Is that what makes you a lesbian? That is not me, and that is not J. We are in it for love. I dont' even look at other women that way. What does that make me? Am I not a part of your community? Where do I belong? Now, I'm not trying to put you women down or say that we are better than you. I just know that today, J and I were in bed, and the last thing I wanted to do was have sex. I wanted to be held in her arms until the end of time. Period. So I am not going to anymore of those links today. I am already depressed. I will just sit here and surf other places until my sweet J comes home to me.

For those of you who visit, if you have any blogs that are not so focused on sex (like Leo's and FG's and some others I can't think of at the moment), please let me know what they are. Thanks!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Love or Obsession ?

Today J and I are going to visit the divorce lawyer and then go to lunch together. I can't wait to see her. It has been two and a half hours since she left for work. I am lonely. I miss her so much. Even when I'm not at home, I am thinking about her all the time. It makes me feel like I'm strange. I asked her about it the other day, if there was something wrong with me thinking about her all the time. She said that that is what it feels like being in love.

I remember feeling this way during high school with her, like letting her go to her first class was going to absolutely kill me. And I remember feeling this way in college FOR AWHILE. Maybe it's the newness of being back together. I hope not. We had a lot of issues in college, I think the worst being that we were extremely isolated from other people. We spent a lot of time and energy covering our relationship up so no one would find out. I think somewhere along the line we literally wore ourselves out emotionally. I am glad we were together for so long, but, I tell you, if that were the case now at my age, there is no way I could do it.

But back to love or obsession. Sometimes I feel that I am hourding J as mine, that I don't want to share her with anyone else. It's not a jealousy, really. It is more of, "Don't you people understand? I have been without her for 23 years! Leave us alone for the next 23 why don't you! Why do we have to go to work or to see family?" But, really, I don't want us to be left alone. We were alone all weekend in San Marcos; but, to be honest, by Sunday, I was ready for us to get back to our new home.

I will see J in one hour and fifteen minutes -- see, I am counting down! I don't know how to describe it any other way; I am comfortable with her. I tell her often, "Please don't die!" She laughs and says I'm silly, that she is in good health. But, honestly, I don't know what I would ever do without her in my life. You decide - am I in love or obsessed?

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

More of Our Story

Okay, so we left off at the band trip. A lot of what follows that is a blur to me. Funny how I can remember some things so vividly, and other things I can't remember.

One day that summer, for some unknown reason (must have been fate), I needed something to do. Out of the total blue, I called J and asked her if she would like to go to lunch. Now, you have to remember, she and I were NOT friends; we did not hang out together. Why would I pick her above other people? Somewhere beneath me there must have been a voice telling me to call her. She does not know this (but she will after having read this blog), but I consider this to have been our "first date."

I picked her up at her house. I remember it being a very hot, humid day, as it always is in Houston in the middle of the summer. I still remember her telling me over the phone to come through the gate to the back door. She was there to greet me. We went to Whataburger, which was closer to my house, actually. I can still remember which side of the restaurant we sat on. I have no clue what we talked about, how long the "date" lasted, or how it ended. I don't know if I even called her after that for the rest of the summer. But whenever I think of J (and she doesn't know this), I still think of her as the 17-year-old girl that I drove to lunch one day and probably could not keep my eyes off of.

Monday, November 24, 2008

My Anniversary Surprise

Friday night, J gave me my anniversary surprise - a diamond heart necklace. It is beautiful! She said she was going to wait until 5:45 the next morning, but she was too anxious. You should have seen her. She was pacing around the suite. I could not figure out why she was soooo nervous. I will try to post a pic of it if I can figure it out. I will wear it always.

J says that she was 16 when she first noticed me. I don't even remember that, and it makes me feel bad. I was dating guys, of course, trying to fit in with all of my friends. When we were 17, we went on a band trip to Concan, Texas. If you have never been there, you should go. It is on the Frio River. I remember her on the bus on the trip up there. I was not feeling well on the trip. She had an electronic football game (I didn't even like football at that time). Sometime during the trip, she started letting me play the game. I must have played it all weekend. When you got a touchdown, the game would play a little song. It was catchy, and I would hum it every time it played. And, for some reason, every time it played, I would look J's way. She would just be sitting there, with her arms crossed in front of her, looking at me and laughing and smiling. Every single time. I can still remember it like it was yesterday. That was the beginning for me, of falling in love, even though I didn't know it at the time. It was May of 1979. It was the beginning of a love I could never shake, an endless love.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

My Favorite Weekend

Yesterday, November 22nd, was what we consider to be our 28th wedding anniversary. Even though I have been legally married twice since then, we have always considered ourselves married to one another.

It was November 22, 1980. We were both 18 years old. J had come to San Marcos to visit me at college for the weekend. Instead of staying in my dorm, we went to a motel for the night of November 21st. At around 5:30 the morning of the 22nd, J turned to me and asked me to marry her. How could I say "no"? She was my entire life. At exactly 5:45 a.m. we said our vows to one another. I don't remember exactly what we said, but I remember being ecstatically happy. Later on, it made me kind of sad because I couldn't tell anyone about being united with my soulmate.

Friday night, J and I went away for the weekend, back to San Marcos, where we lived together for three years. (We were a couple for five of those years) When we got to Luling, about 24 miles from San Marcos, I started to cry. As soon as we exited the interstate, everything started to come back. We passed Stairtown, which still smells awful. I was trying to hold back the tears, having stopped crying from the first time. And then I saw them, the lights of Martindale, population 953, where we had lived together at one point in a tiny trailer. I have lots of stories to tell from living there. On our way home from Houston on Sunday nights, I had always anxiously looked for those lights, a place where I longed to be. We drove past twice. The trailer is no longer there, but I just couldn't help it. I just kept crying. J says that of all the places we visited over the weekend, Martindale is where I got the most emotional. I am not sure why. We moved to Martindale, I believe, to isolate ourselves further from people who we thought did not accept us.

We got to San Marcos around 8:30 p.m. Friday night. The hotel was fabulous. I could have spent the night in the lobby and been happy. We ordered room service and had a very romantic evening.

Saturday we went to the trailer park. This was our first home off campus; and, believe it or not, 29 years later, the trailer is still there. I think it looks better than it did when we lived there! It was a dump back then. I think we paid about $200 a month for it. #67. Wow, it must be 40 to 45 years old! It has held up better than me!

We then drove through the edge of campus, and J found the place where we both used to work. I could not believe she remembered how to get to that house!

Then we drove to Devil's Backbone. If you are in the San Marcos/Wimberely area, this is a place you must see. Our favorite "picnic area" is still there with a lookout of a breathtaking view, especially when you are with the one you love.

We then proceeded back to town to hunt for our old apartment, the last place we lived together, the place of our breaking up. I had been to San Marcos in August and drove around in circles trying to find it but couldn't. J found it on the second try!!!! I could not get emotional about this place. While it was one of my favorite places to live, it held a bad memory for me, and I just could not connect with my feelings at that point.

We then visited Gil's Broiler, Home of the Manske Roll. I COULD NOT believe it was still there, but J said that places like that never close. We had a Manske Roll for lunch. Simply marvelous.

We went back to the hotel for a nap and then to one of our most favorite restaurants in town, a romantic spot called Palmer's. They don't have fried mushrooms anymore, but the strawberry dacquiris where great! I could not remember the inside of the restaurant, but J remembered everything, even the fireplace. How in the world we saved up enough money in college to go there is beyond me. It was very romantic, and J said that a couple of people were looking at us. I LIKE THAT A LOT!!!! I love people knowing that we are together as a couple.

Today we went to Grin's for lunch, the best place in San Marcos for a hamburger and wine coolers! Then we went to Aquarena Center, formally Aquarena Springs, which, to me, was depressing. We spent a lot of time there back then, just walking around and talking. It is not the same anymore, and if I wrote about the changes, I would start bawling, so let's just leave it at that. I wrote our initials on the bridge, near where they used to be, but it did not cheer me up. A helluva way to end a beautiful weekend.

J thought that I would cry as we were leaving town, but I purposely read the university newspaper as we made our way back to I-10. It was a weekend to remember always. It could not have been any more special. We have made new memories that we will never forget. I love San Marcos because of the time we spent together, and now we are talking about retiring near there. That would be a dream come true for me. I'm ready to move now!!!!

Thursday, November 20, 2008


My name is B. I am just pushing 50. I have never considered myself to be a lesbian, gay, queer, etc. I have just always considered myself to be in love with a beautiful person, who, yes, happens to be the same sex as I am. Her name is J, and you will hear an awful lot about her the next few posts.

Six weeks ago I made a life-changing decision. I willfully left my husband of almost 19 years and my two daughters, ages 15 and 18, to be with the one who I have always been destined to be with. This blog will be an account of the journey I have made, the decision that I have made, which has affected countless individuals - my husband, my children, my parents, my family, my friends, myself and J. How could I do this, you may ask. How could I leave my own flesh and blood? I ask myself that question daily. But then I ask myself, "How could I not?" Hopefully, through this blog you will begin to consider what it has been like for me to live for 23 years without my "Endless Love". I don't expect for you to agree with my decision, just to listen and comment as you wish. And maybe, just maybe, you will wish J and I well; because, you see, we have always been meant to be together -- I know that when I look into her eyes. No one will ever love me as much as she does, nowhere else in the world do I feel safe and comfortable. For once in my life, I am where I want to be.