Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Communication and Thoughts

You Communicate With Your Body

This isn't as bad as it sounds, it just means that you're a "touchy-feely" person.

You need a lot of affection in your life. And for you, this means both giving and receiving little touches.

Warm hearted, you bond with people easily. In fact, you often feel a little sad when you're not in the company of others.

A little moody, you tend to be controlled by your emotions. But a bit hug always comforts you!

I would agree with most of what is said about me here, except for the bonding with people easily! J can usually tell by my body language how I am feeling when she walks in the door. BUT she can also tell just by the sound of my voice on the phone. I really don't try to hide my discontent from her because it is useless. She will figure it out when she gets home anyway.
Lately, I have been very down because of the divorce, the girls, my job, on and on and on. I hate that because I have SO MUCH to be thankful for and to look forward to. Sometimes I wonder if I will really ever enjoy my life. It seems like I am constantly looking over my shoulder to see if someone from my past is going to see me. I am not embarrassed about being in love with J, but I AM embarrassed that I left the girls because I KNOW people do not understand. They do not know what I have been through, put my family through, how hard I really did try. All they see is that I left the kids.
I saw my grandma on Saturday, and she said, "You know, tomorrow I am going to tell M about you." That is a friend of mine from a church long ago. And she said, "And you know that once M knows, everybody is going to find out." What could I say, "Don't tell her?" I want people to know. I don't want to lie to anyone; that was the whole point in leaving. BUT if you do not know my background with J (hopefully, you have read our blog from the first day forward), then you cannot appreciate what I did and take it for what it truly means: It set me free; it set my ex free; it set my kids free. Free for everyone to be who they truly are, say what they truly feel, stop wondering what is wrong with each of us. We were all in bondage. The tension that was ALWAYS there, the fear of not knowing what the problem was or what to do about it, that is completely gone. The mindless drinking, the pretending games, the walking on eggshells, all gone. The hurt is here, it is absolutely real, BUT it makes sense. There is no question of "why" it hurts, "where" it is coming from. All of those questions are gone. And it is liberating, let me tell you. I did not move out to live a "deviant" lifestyle, to fool around. I am in a solid, loving relationship that should never have ended over 20 years ago. J and I cannot go back, but we are trying desperately to make up for the past, to do things together that we should have done all those years. Sometimes I feel like I am trying to fit 23 years into a week; it just isn't happening. I feel like we are so much older, that there is so little time for us to do what we want to do. And then in the same breath I feel like we have our whole lives ahead of us, that we are only beginning; when, actually, we are simply picking up from where we left off. There were no surprises. The first day we talked on the phone for the first time after so long, I knew. J said, "I can't believe I'm talking to you." I texted her that week and said, "I wish we could get back together." And she replied, "When the time is right." NEVER in my wildest dreams did I think that we would get back together, much less within the next six months. And when I got to see her for the first time, man, she had two red roses behind her back. "One for the past, one for the future." Didn't I tell you she was romantic? Talking about being swept off my feet. We spent about eight hours together, and it wasn't like about 10 years ago, when everything was tense feeling, "Oh, we really shouldn't be seeing each other" kind of feeling. It was sublime, is the only way to describe it. Perfect.
The rings came today! J let me wear mine for a little while. I did not want to take it off my finger. To see the ring on her finger when she tried it on for size, wow, that was an amazing feeling! Maybe it is not going to be legal, but it might as well be. I am so in love with this woman that it scares me sometimes. Thanks to all of you who allow me to express my love for her here. I knew her before you did Ha ha! (Except for J's sis)


Sabrae Carter said...

oh i will have to check this out! :)

Rebecca said...

Hi B!
I have read this post a few times and I think it is good you are getting your feelings out in order to sort them out.
You sure have hit the "bondage" thing right on the head. I know all too well how my church used to talk about being in "bondage" to sin and that my feelings for women were "bondage" etc. etc. It took me nearly 18 years to realize that the real "bondage" I was living with were all the lies. Lies to my husband, lies to my kids, lies to the whole world thank you very much.
Keep up the great work on here, it is wonderful to read and share your story.
Oh, and Lorrie and I had a great time, I am missing her so much now....I envy you.