The Rings

These are our rings! They are 14K gold, and they should be coming in in a couple of weeks! Hope we are able to get them engraved before the ceremony! Not going to tell you what they will say because 1) it won't be visable anyway, and 2) it wouldn't make sense to anyone but J and I (trust me). Even the engraver is going to be scratching his/her head.

Out of the Closet

Back when we were younger, people weren't "in the closet." That term never seemed to be used. Around 1971, I mentioned to my aunt that I had heard the word "queer" down the street. She told me to never say that word again. The first time I saw the word "homosexual" was in a TV guide for a program called Room 222. I remember watching that episode in my room with a kind of fascination, trying to figure out what "homosexual" really meant. Then there was the waitress at my grandparents' favorite hangout, Jean, a "lezzy" they called her. She would always sing along with the song Satin Sheets to the juke box. I was told not to hold much conversation with her because of the way she was. Then one of my friend's mothers ran off with "another woman." That was around 7th grade. I remember thinking, "Yeah, that makes sense to me," but not in a bad way towards the mom. I just plain made sense.

Tonight J and I watched Prayers for Bobby, a movie on Lifetime. It was very unsettling, but I wish everyone could see it. The movie made me realize something for the first time - in the whole five years that J and I were together, not once did we utter the words "gay" or "lesbian." I heard J say it for the first time about six months ago, and I think my mouth hung open LOL. In fact, if you were to honestly ask me in college, I would have told you those terms did not apply to us. I don't think I was in any closet - I think I was in a basement of denial. We always said things like, "We're not supposed to love each other this way," or "People don't understand us."

J will tell you that it took me absolutely FOREVER to consciously realize what she had been trying so hard to express to me. It wasn't until she gave me a book of poetry she had written for me that it finally hit me. I still remember the booth where we were sitting at Pizza Inn. When she gave me those poems I remember thinking to myself, "She thinks of me the why a boy thinks about a girl."

One night in my bedroom, we were snuggled together on my twin trundle bed, and we finally said it outloud. I don't remember who said it first, but we came to the conclusion that we were "in love." I don't mean romantic, walk down the aisle, live with you forever in love. I mean the deep, painful, Oh, my God, what the hell are we going to do now in love. I was scared to death. Not only had I never been in love with a woman (girl) before (16, 17), I had never been in love, period.

I don't believe most people fall in love that young. I don't believe anything in childhood or adolescence prepares you for that. For me, it was a kick in the gut, a time in my life that I always talk fondly about to J. But, truthfully, it was one of the most painful times of my life. Here I was, totally infatuated, and I will admit, obsessed with J, and I could tell no one. It seems so petty now, but I really wanted her to take me to prom.

I remember talking to a lady "mentor" of mine on the phone. I told her I was not doing well - I needed to confess something. She said matter of factly, "Oh, you don't need to confess anything to me. It can't be THAT bad unless it is one of three things - 1) You're a homosexual, 2) you're on drugs, or 3) you're an alcoholic." I told her it was none of the three. She said, "Well, then you're okay." I remember thinking that if "homosexual" is number one on the list, was that the worst or the second from worst?

Even today, I still think about going to hell and what it will be like. Will I say to myself, "Bring on the flames; it was all worth it!" Or will I be screaming in pain and agony for eternity, begging God for anothe chance? Truth is, I can't worry about that anymore because I am confident that I was born to love J - everything in my life before meeting her built up and prepared me for that. And my feelings for J will never go away - not with therapy, prayer, pills, or alcohol. And since God is my Creator and Father, he is always going to love me as his child. He may not like everything I feel or do, but he still loves me.

I did a lot of things in high school that I am not proud of, but the love J offered me was a gift, a chance to start my life over, truly feeling loved for the first time in my life. And I grabbed onto it and held it in my heart for 30 years. Even though I have her back in the flesh, if she left me tomorrow, I would still have her love.

I'm happy to say that, while I may still be "in the closet" to some people, I am no longer in the basement. And while the Bible may say that I'm going to hell, and there aren't any guarantees, I did everything within my power to chase away the love I have for J, and it always bounced back to me. I can no longer fight it. I did nothing wrong except try to be someone I'm not in order to avoid the inevitable - ridicule and blame.

For those of you who judge me, especially those of you in my church, God is about love; he is not about hate. God is about forgiveness; he is not about condemnation. Take a look in the mirror and tell yourself that you're better than me, and then look it up in your Bible where it says that.

My readers, may God keep all of you in his pocket.

Why I Love Her

I love the way she talks to me when she thinks that I am sleeping.
I love it when I stroke her hair and it falls perfectly back in place.
I love the way her smile and laughter set my heart aglow.
That's why I love her.


I love when I reach for her in the night; she is always there.
When I hear a noise and she hears it too, she's up in a flash to protect me.
I love the way she snores like a duck, even though it keeps me awake.
I love the way she holds me close and tells me she will never leave me.
She treats me like a princess even when I am a drama queen.
That's why I love her.

Receiving her love is sometimes hard, like flying into the wind.
It feels so good hitting your face, that sometimes you have to look away.
But you always come back for more.
It's like a magic carpet ride -- I don't care where we go, just don't ever land.

And I love that she is the same, sweet girl as before, only even more beautiful than I can remember.
The love in her eyes makes me feel 17 again.
I have always loved her with more passion than will fill a room.
And an attraction so deep and stronger than any magnetic force on earth
She is and forever will be my soulmate.
And that's why I love her.

Questions, Questions

How clean is your bathroom? We just had a party, so it probably needs cleaning again, not that our guests were messy or anything.

In what state was your heart broken...the first time?Texas

Fishing: fun or I'd rather watch the grass grow? As long as I don't have to bait the hook or take the fish off the hook. Yeah, you do all the work; I'll just hold the line.

Yes or No: I consider myself to be an artist. No, only if drawing stick figures counts.

When was the last time you took a 'personal' day? What did you do? Last week, and I think my boss is pissed. Slept late, ran errands, hung out with J. She played hooky, too!

If you got asked to be an extra in a gay movie, would you do it? If there was no sex involved.

Describe your perfect day from 8 AM - Midnight. Sleep late. Hang with J. Hang with my kids. Cook a special, candlelit dinner, cheesecake, watch tons of movies. Save the dirty dishes for another day.

Why is your favorite person your favorite person? Because she ALWAYS makes me feel special.

What is your best quality? I care.

Your worst? I take things very personally.

The color red makes me feel: like I'm about to have a hot flash

Your favorite/most memorable book of all time? Hop on Pop

Are you more comfortable in an urban environment or a rural environment? Rural

I wish I was: skinny

Someday I'd like to have: J's last name

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

You Are 20% Boyish and 80% Girlish

Even if you're not a girl, you're very feminine. You're in touch with your feelings, and your heart rules you. A bit of a emotional roller coaster, one moment you're up and the next you're down. But no matter what, you try to be as cute and perky as possible.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Shower

Well, remember that I said we were having a game night here on Saturday night? It ended up being a surprise shower for J and I. It was really fun! They brought balloons and flowers. I also got a corsage; J got a boutonniere (there's that word again that I never can spell). They gave me a sash that said "Bride", and J's said "Groom." LOL

We got some LOVELY gifts. Everything was wonderful. And the food, my goodness! There was soooo much food. Someone brought Cherry Rum, and we had Margaritas and Mai Tais, as well, as wine.

C made us magnets that have B & J, March 1, 2009, Lucky at Love, a casino themed picture. I put one on our frig even though J doesn't like magnets on the frig. LOL

We played lots of games, too. First was Cranium, then Taboo, then Mad Gabs (that was my favorite), a word game, and Scattergories (my second favorite). Thanks to all of you gals who came. It is a night J and I will never forget. Please send us photos of the event if you have any.

Last night was our experience at the lesbian bar in Houston. I was a nervous wreck, plus, I wasn't feeling well after dinner, so I'm not sure I got an accurate feel for the place. Jenny McNulty and Vickie Shaw were there. I thought Vickie was really funny, but I did not find her very personable afterward when we were buying one of her DVDs. Maybe she wasn't feeling too well. Or maybe she's an introvert turned comedian. She just wasn't what I expected, and I was a bit disappointed. And the lady she had helping her with her DVDs was rude to J. J gave her a fifty to pay for a $25 DVD. The lady said, "Who the hell brings a fifty with them?" She ought to be glad we purchased anything at all after that remark. Got two more magnets from Vickie. Those were free -- whoopty doo! Put those on the refrigerator, as well. Sorry, honey.

I can't really tell you much about the lesbian bar because I tried to stay focused on the stage. There was one butch who wouldn't let me going into the restroom. I ended up on the other side of the club by a different bar. I felt sooo stupid because I was so intimidated. I probably wouldn't have felt that way had I not been feeling pretty ill at that point. There was a couple who had been together for 45 years. When Vickie asked them how they met, neither one of them could remember. I wasn't really that uncomfortable because it was a show. I would probably have to go back during a regular night to see how it really is. J liked being able to hold my hand in a public place, and we also held hands in the street while walking back to the car.

Tomorrow night the apartments are having a dinner/bingo night with food catered from the Olive Garden. We are thinking about going to that. Maybe we can meet our upstairs neighbors and sneak something into their drinks. Grrrrr. I really am nicer in person than I sound.

Some Pics of Me and the Love of My Life

TGIF

A story from today at school - A, a 6-yr-old girl told me, "Ms. B, today I am staying after school for awhile because my daddy is having an infection, and my mommy has to put his mind back together." She was dead serious. I asked her several times to clarify and she wouldn't change her story. Ha ha. Turns out, her dad had some sort of out-patient surgery today. Kids sure turn things around.

Well, wish us luck with tomorrow night's party. I am really nervous. There are three people coming whom I have not met yet, and I have to cook for them!

I bought a blow-up plastic flamingo today at Party City to take along to Vegas so everyone there can sign it. I also found some neat party favors to give our guests. Not telling because I know one of them is reading this. That would be YOU JD!

J is coming home a little late tonight, and then we will have dinner and relax. I love Fridays. I will try to write more this weekend. My brain is just fried. Maybe I need my mind put back together. LOL

I'm Back

Have been off the internet for awhile. Thank you guys for staying subscribed. The commitment ceremony plans are in full swing. J is going to wear a boutonniere (sp?); I'm going to have a rose bouquet. We are working on invitations, with JD's help, of course. I am going to walk down the aisle to J to Endless Love. Then we will say our personal vows and exchange rings. We will walk out to You're My Everything and hope to dance first dance to Lady. Still looking at rings, and this weekend need to try to pick out clothes. It is coming soon! Eek! So much to plan. I need to call the wedding coordinator tomorrow to ask lots of questions.

This week I was the owner of one car that's window would not roll down and another car that's window would not roll up. Sunday, when I went out to get into my new car, I noticed that someone had smashed in the driver's side window. Glass everywhere. J and I took Monday off (supposedly to get window fixed), but ended up hanging together all day and went to P.F. Chang's for lunch with a gift card. We got absolutely nothing done, as the cable company was closed for MLK Day, and we could not exchange modem or get glass replaced.

I got to see my 15-yr-old perform Sunday in Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. She was awesome. I got lots of stares from people I once knew. Two people did actually come up to me and give me a hug. Sat by my mom and grandma, who were civil. My 18-yr-old basically acted like she didn't want to have anything to do with me and hung on to her dad.

As I catch up on your blogs, I am bombarded in my head with vocabulary such as: butch, femme, queer, transgender, GBLT, top, bottom, stone. It just baffles my brain. It is too much for me to take in for the moment. All I can see of myself right now and in the past is "in love." Do I really need to analyze who I am in this relationship? Do I really need to dig down to the very core of "why"? I am going to say "no" for now.

Lately, I have felt out of place in the world. I mean, I am not a Democrat, but then I guess I am not really a Republican, either. Shouldn't I be supporting someone who is supporting my relationship with J? Well, maybe, but there are other things that he stands for that I don't agree with. But then the other candidate, there are things that I didn't agree with, either.

J and I are not the activist type. Does that make us bad? I mean, there are all these other thousands of GBLT people out there fighting for our right to marry. What are J and I doing about it? Is it a bad thing because we are not marching on the capitol?

I think that J and I have just always just wanted to be left alone. Does that make any sense? Yes, it would be GREAT if we had the same rights as "married" heterosexuals. We talk about that sometimes. Maybe someday we will get involved in "the fight", but I seriously doubt that we will be holding up signs and picketing. Not that that is a bad thing at all. I commend anyone who does that. I just don't see us doing that for some reason. I guess we have just lived with it so long, that we have decided to get along as well as we can. I think our dream is to have our family support us more than the world to support us. I hope it does not appear to others that we are lazy. We seem to just be happy being "us". We don't announce it to anyone, but we are not really hiding it, either, except from my job, of course.

Saturday night we are having game night at our place. So far it looks like between 12 and 18 people for chili. Fun! Sunday night we will be going to see Vickie Shaw!!! Woohoo!! I wrote her an e-mail and asked her to shout out to us from the stage. That would be great!!!!

I Hate Sundays

As some of you may know, I HATE SUNDAYS! It's the day before I have to go back to work. Sometimes I cry for no apparent reason. J says I try to ruin the day before it even starts.

Today, we were at Randall's checking out at the register. The cashier is handicapped. It appears that his left arm has palsy or something. Anyway, he does most everything with his right arm/hand.

What made him start slinging the groceries down the conveyor belt towards me, turning beet red in the face, and kind of grunting to himself? I mean, he was REALLY angry. The only thing that we can figure out is this: Dr. Peppers were buy two, get one free. J put one 12-pack on the conveyor belt and left the other two in the cart. She was going to tell him when he rang up the one that we had the other two; that is what other cashiers usually tell her to do, "Don't put them all up here, just one to ring it up." Anyway, that seems to be where the trouble started. He had these "thank you" stickers that you have to put on the boxes, to show that they are paid for. I guess he saw the other two cartons in our basket, and assumed that we were trying to take advantage of him and sneak out the door with them. He pretty much bolted out of his kiosk to put the stickers on the cartons (we would have been glad to do that, which is what is normally done). The first item he rung up was a Sunday newspaper, which he immediately "slung" my way toward the end of the conveyor belt. I would have been glad to have bagged most of the groceries, as there was no bagger, but he made sure we knew he was pissed off as he started literally cramming (over cramming, mind you) items into the bags. J kept looking at me like, "What did we do?" I did kind of chuckle when he stuck one of the "thank you" stickers on his forehead. It just got worse when one of the bags tore and he attempted to double bag it but it just wasn't working. He got really angry at the bag, and I was looking around for a manager. He was SO ANGRY! He then just kept slinging the over bagged bags of groceries towards me.

Then it was kinda funny. All of a sudden at the end of our groceries he said, "Do you need help out with this? Have a wonderful day." I was really shocked that J did not call the manager, but I have never been with her in situations like this. Even in the parking lot I was suggesting that we go back inside and report him. In the end, we decided that we would let it slide and just never get in his line again. Maybe he doesn't like lesbians ha ha. I think J was quite offended that he would think she was trying to steal those Dr. Peppers; but as I told her, there are probably people who have tried to take advantage of him in the past. Maybe J doesn't have a very honest face LOL. Still, the situation could have been totally avoided it he had just asked, "Oh, did you know you have some more Dr. Peppers in the cart?"

Today, we watched the Bucket List. It was okay, but I thought it was supposed to be a comedy. It had some funny parts, but it was kind of depressing, too.

Well, I have enjoyed reading your blogs this weekend. I'm sorry I haven't made any comments. I'm going to go enjoy my last four hours of the weekend with J.

ABCs About Me

Got from L.L. Cool Joe, but he doesn’t even know who I am. So if you know him, please tell him I said "thanks"!

A
-Age: late 40s
- Annoyance: when the toilet paper roll is almost empty
- Allergic: nothing that I know of
- Animal: dog
- Actor: Denzel Washington, especially his earlier films; Meryl Streep

B
- Beer: no, thank you
- Birthday/Birthplace: February 15th, Indiana
- Best Friends: J
- Best feeling in the world: seeing my daughter graduate this May
- Blind or Deaf: blind
- Best weather: 70 degrees
- Been in Love: have been since I was 17
- Been bitched out? Oh, yeah
- Been on stage? Yep, many times
- Believe in yourself? No way
- Believe in life on other planets: yes
- Believe in miracles: you betcha
- Believe in Magic: not the rabbit-out-of-the-hat kind
- Believe in God: yes
- Believe in Satan: yes
- Believe in Santa: no, but “he” brought me a Sonic card for Christmas
- Believe in Ghosts/spirits: yes

C
- Car: Saturn Vue and a Chevrolet Malibu I’m trying to get rid of
- Candy: Three Musketeers Bar
- Color: purple!- Cried in school: I doubt it
- Chocolate/Vanilla: chocolate
- Chinese/Mexican food: Mexican
- Cake or pie: cold chocolate cake with chocolate icing
- Countries to visit: Italy, Austria

D
- Day or Night: night
- Dream vehicle: anything that doesn’t break down
- Danced: huh?
- Dance in the rain? nope
- Dance in the middle of the street? Don’t think so

E
- Eggs: scrambled
- Eyes: hazel
- Everyone has a: dream
- Ever failed a class? No, I drop them before that happens

F
- First crush: no clue
- Full name: not telling
- First thoughts waking up: I don’t want to go to work!
- Food: Mexican

G
- Greatest Fear: that J will die
- Gum: not very often
- Get along with your parents? Right now, no
- Good luck charms: J, my kids

H
- Hair Color: brown with highlights (okay, okay, there’s gray under there)
- Height: 5’9”
- Happy: to a certain extent
- Holidays: depressing
- How do you want to die: holding J’s hand
- Health freak? no- Hate: bigots

I(In guys/girls)
- Eye color: green
- Hair Color: dark
- Height: shorter than me
- Clothing Style: whatever she’s comfortable in. My favorite is her sweater vest or her Sponge Bob pajama top
- Characteristics: happy, loving, faithful

- Ice Cream: dutch chocolate or mint chocolate chip
- Instrument: flute/guitar

- Jewelry: rings, toe ring, necklace, earrings
- Job: teacher

K
- Kids: 2
- Kickboxing or karate: Neither. I can’t stand the sweat on the floor!
- Keep a journal? Nope, but my blog sort of serves as one

L
- Longest Car Ride: to Canada and back
- Love: being held by J
- Letter: as in alphabet?
- Laughed so hard you cried: when J tickled the heck out of me
- Love at first sight: no, not for me unfortunately. Took me awhile to wake up.

M
- Milk flavor: flavored milk? yuck
- Movie: oh, man, too many to list
- Mooned anyone? no
- Marriage: yes, we’re not going to talk about that
- Motion sickness? sometimes
- McD's or BK: BK Whopper with Cheese

N
- Number of Siblings: 1
- Number of Piercings: None, but I want a navel ring.
- Number:

O
- Overused Phrases: do not, cannot, will not
- One wish: that my kids will forgive me
- One phobia: that J will die, heights, closed in places

P
- Place you'd like to live: San Marcos, Texas
- Pepsi/Coke: Diet Coke with cherry

Q
- Quail: ate it once baked with grapes

R
- Reason to cry: when I miss my kids
- Reality T.V. : Wife Swap, Amazing Race
- Radio Station: talk radio
- Roll your tongue in a circle?: sure

S
- Song: “You’re My Everything”
- Sushi: you can’t pay me to eat it
- Skipped school: yes, government class in high school
- Slept outside: sure
- Seen a dead body?: yes, many
- Skinny dipped?: yep
- Shower daily?: try to
- Sing well?: that depends on whose listening
- Sing In the shower? Not anymore
- Swear?: rarely
- Stuffed Animals?: no, left them all at the house
- Single/Group dates: single
- Strawberries/Blueberries: strawberries
- Scientists need to invent: a cure for cancer

T
- Time for bed: 9:00 o’clock LOL
- Thunderstorms: am scared of them, but find them very romantic
- Touch your tongue to your nose?: no, why would anyone want to do that?

U
- Unpredictable: no
- Under the influence?: not at the moment, darn it
- Understanding?: I think so

V
- Vegetable you hate: brussel sprouts, green peas, lima beans!
- Vegetable you love: potatoes
- Vacation spot: cruise to Alaska (dream on)

W
- Weakness: cheese
-When you grow up: I will be self-sufficient
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: none of them, thankfully
- Who makes you laugh the most: J and my kids
- Worst feeling: leaving my kids in their beds October 10th
- Wanted to be a model?: no way
- Where do we go when we die: heaven
- Worst weather: hurricanes
- Walk with a book on your head?: yes, I can

X
- X-Rays: teeth, elbow, fingers

Y
-Year it is now: 2009
-Yellow: sunshine

Z
- Zoo animal: monkeys or sea lions
- Zodiac sign: Aquarius

Thursday

Today first grader A said to me, "Look, my wrist is swollen." I asked, "Why is your wrist swollen, A?" He said, "Because I wore my watch too tight. My mom says that if the swelling doesn't go down I have to go to the doctor. I don't want to go to the doctor!" I asked, "Why don't you want to go to the doctor, A?" He replied, "I don't want him to cut my hand off!"

Here's another one from today, not funny at all, but I just love the way kids put things in such a precious way. First grader H told me that her papa (grandfather) went to the hospital and they took these spotty things out. Then they put him in a special fireplace and he turned into that stuff under logs (ashes).

J is not feeling well today. That makes me sad. I will let you know how she is feeling tomorrow.

Wednesday Meme

1. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES? blue with shells on them
2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? Love, Ellen and The Shack
3. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE TIME OF DAY? night
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Taboo, but I'm not sure you would call it a board game
5. YOUR FAVORITE MAGAZINE? People
6. YOUR FAVORITE SMELL? bacon is high on the list, but roses are probably my favorite

Bad Hair Day

I tried to upload a bad hair day picture, but blogger is not letting me. Anyway, today at school 5-yr-old S said to me, "Ms. B, remember the other day when you were having a bad hair day?" I said, "Yes." She said, "Well, you're having another one." Ha ha!

My assistant had a BAD asthma attack during class, and it upset the kids. Then later, one of the boys who is usually the SWEETEST boy you could ever imagine said, "What the hell." Could have knocked me over with a feather!

Well, we have the Flamingo Wedding Chapel reserved for March 1st in Las Vegas. I really like it. It is very simple. We got the chapel for 30 minutes. We still have to pick out invitations, rings, clothes. Ugh! It is all happening soooo fast! Can't wait, though.

Today I did not do well at work. I lost my patience, I did. Monday, on the first day back, the kids were angels. Today they turned into creepos. I mean, I didn't yell or anything, I really never do. But it just seemed like everyone was needy and whiny, and I am just not into taking care of needy and whiny kids right now. I just have no sympathy for them today.

In our classroom we have a hug basket. It's a basket that starts out empty. "Hugs" are actually colored ponytail holders. There are probably about 45 of them. We put hugs in the basket for lots of things. If a student answers a hard question, does a challenging piece of work super fast, or does something especially nice for someone or for the class, we put a hug in the basket. This is usually followed by a classwide "yea"! When it is full, the class gets a special treat, like special erasers, piece of candy, etc. Likewise, if someone does something against the rules or the class is not listening, we take hugs out of the basket. Like if I find that two rugs have not been rolled up correctly, I remove two hugs from the basket. That is always followed by a classwide "awwww."

J is THE hug in my basket. She puts a smile on my face at the end of a hard day. I LOVE it when she comes home at night. I sometimes cry when she leaves in the morning. If I could be with her all day, every day, that would be heaven. I am soooo happy that she waited 23 years for me. Now, how many people can say that someone waited that long for them? Not very many, I'd bet.

Well, the neighbors upstairs are pounding on the floor again. Guess that means it's time to start dinner. Tonight we are having scallops. I hope J likes dinner. It's one of the ways that I can show her how special she is to me. She works so hard all day and sits in traffic for HOURS. If I can get a job closer to town, we will probably move from here when our lease is up in October.

Tuesday

I went back to work yesterday after a two-week break. Man, the kids seem to have grown sooo much, and two of them came back reading!!! Woohoo!

Every day we have a "child of the day" who holds the flag, always leads the line, passes out paper, etc. Whenever I leave the room, the child of the day is the "monitor." I don't know why K-1 kids would need a monitor, but the kids seem to think it's essential. In fact, they are constantly bugging me to have someone in charge of helping the monitor, sort of a monitor monitor.

Anyway, today I just HAD to go to the bathroom, so I left G in charge as "monitor." The bathroom is connected to the classroom. While I was on the pot (ha ha), I heard them all "whispering", "Shhhh, Ms. B is going to the bathroom." LOL I think they were all listening to me pee! Anyway, it was hysterical because when I came out to wash my hands, 15 kids were staring at me, silent as mice. I said to them, "Yes, even teachers have to take a restroom break," and we all laughed.

This month is FULL of activities. J and I are having a game night on the 24th, going to see Vickie Shaw on the 25th. The 17th I have to go to a divorced parents class for the court. J is going to buy us a "tree" for our balcony at some plant show. And on the 18th I am going to go see my 15-yr-old perform in Narnia, the musical. She is going to be one of the dancers this time.

Speaking of balcony, I am having a hard time adjusting to apartment living. For one thing, last night (we are on the 2nd floor of 3 floors), the people below us were barbequing on their patio. They used so much lighter fluid, that J and I were breathing it in, and that was with our door closed! A couple of nights ago, I was awakened at 4:30 in the morning (I checked the clock) to the sound of the neighbors upstairs having sex. The bed springs were squeaking in that certain rhythm that everyone knows, and it TOTALLY grossed me out (or I have to admit that I might have been secretly saying to myself, "How come I'm not getting any right now?" But J (ha ha) unfortunately was sound asleep. Next, the same people upstairs seem to rearrange their furniture on a nightly basis, while they are at the same time dropping objects on the floor that must weigh AT LEAST 20 lbs each. I am about ready to tell them that we need a schedule. When J and I are in the living room trying to watch TV, they need to be in their bedroom doing their thing. When J and I are in the bedroom, they need to be in the living room or kitchen. Doesn't that sound like a reasonable request?

Kissing

I know I am weird, but I have a lot of trouble watching two women kiss. It just freaks me out. Now, I know that there will be a photo of J and I kissing at the ceremony. Surely, that will not freak me out. I have ALWAYS loved kissing J. I don't know why, but when I look at other women together, they never look like they "go together." But I have always felt that J and I go together perfectly. Isn't that strange?

January 25th will be my first experience ever in a lesbian bar, and I am scared to death! The experiences in gay/lesbian bars that a lot of you talk about and look forward to, I am dreading. While I love the fact that other people check J out (it makes me very proud), I am scared to death that someone is going to ask her to dance OR hit on her. I know, I know, that's weird, I should be glad for her if she dances with someone else, but I am just the jealous kind; I want her to spend her entire evening with ME! And I do trust her. I mean, even if I didn't, what could she do if I was in the same room? It's just insecurity, I know. I don't even understand why we have "lesbian/gay" bars in the first place. It sure doesn't make me feel more comfortable. I would be much more comfortable in a "regular" bar where gay couples were allowed to dance just the same as everyone else. I actually kind of like having men around with us. It makes me feel like, "hey, you, see here! You're not all that. I don't need your kind to make me happy!" Ha ha. Kind of puts a man in his place, if you know what I mean!

Not that I hate men. I don't. I'm just not wowed by them. I can only think of a handful of men whose accomplishments I find amazing, and most of them aren't even alive anymore.

I have had some chest pain the past week or so that is driving me crazy. I know it is nothing to worry about, BUT as J will tell you, I always have to have SOMETHING to worry about. I visited with my grandmother Saturday. She is 93, and I sometimes think she is in better condition than I am. A year ago, she was doing 20 minutes on the treadmill daily. As you can see below on the test I took, I am a sloth. Ugh! I am not going to set a losing weight resolution for 2009. But I am going to TRY to drink more water, which I abhor and try to get more healthy foods into my diet, like fruits and yogurt. AND J will have to remind me I said this, but when we go out to eat, I want to strive to eat a salad, or at least order something baked or broiled. Most places you go nowadays offer that, but then I look at the loaded baked potato or french fries (when have you ever seen a broiled entree served with french fries?), and I simply cannot contain myself.

Some of you have told me that you have tried to comment on this blog and it won't let you since you do not have a Google account. Sorry about that.

It's back to work tomorrow after two weeks off. BLAH! Going to go spend some snuggle time with J for the rest of the evening.

How Sinful Am I?

Your Deadly Sins

Envy: 60% Sloth: 40% Gluttony: 0% Greed: 0% Lust: 0% Pride: 0% Wrath: 0% Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14% You will die a boring death. While dying, you will be jealous of those who die dramatic deaths.

How Sinful Are You?

I Knew It!