Sunday, January 4, 2009


I know I am weird, but I have a lot of trouble watching two women kiss. It just freaks me out. Now, I know that there will be a photo of J and I kissing at the ceremony. Surely, that will not freak me out. I have ALWAYS loved kissing J. I don't know why, but when I look at other women together, they never look like they "go together." But I have always felt that J and I go together perfectly. Isn't that strange?

January 25th will be my first experience ever in a lesbian bar, and I am scared to death! The experiences in gay/lesbian bars that a lot of you talk about and look forward to, I am dreading. While I love the fact that other people check J out (it makes me very proud), I am scared to death that someone is going to ask her to dance OR hit on her. I know, I know, that's weird, I should be glad for her if she dances with someone else, but I am just the jealous kind; I want her to spend her entire evening with ME! And I do trust her. I mean, even if I didn't, what could she do if I was in the same room? It's just insecurity, I know. I don't even understand why we have "lesbian/gay" bars in the first place. It sure doesn't make me feel more comfortable. I would be much more comfortable in a "regular" bar where gay couples were allowed to dance just the same as everyone else. I actually kind of like having men around with us. It makes me feel like, "hey, you, see here! You're not all that. I don't need your kind to make me happy!" Ha ha. Kind of puts a man in his place, if you know what I mean!

Not that I hate men. I don't. I'm just not wowed by them. I can only think of a handful of men whose accomplishments I find amazing, and most of them aren't even alive anymore.

I have had some chest pain the past week or so that is driving me crazy. I know it is nothing to worry about, BUT as J will tell you, I always have to have SOMETHING to worry about. I visited with my grandmother Saturday. She is 93, and I sometimes think she is in better condition than I am. A year ago, she was doing 20 minutes on the treadmill daily. As you can see below on the test I took, I am a sloth. Ugh! I am not going to set a losing weight resolution for 2009. But I am going to TRY to drink more water, which I abhor and try to get more healthy foods into my diet, like fruits and yogurt. AND J will have to remind me I said this, but when we go out to eat, I want to strive to eat a salad, or at least order something baked or broiled. Most places you go nowadays offer that, but then I look at the loaded baked potato or french fries (when have you ever seen a broiled entree served with french fries?), and I simply cannot contain myself.

Some of you have told me that you have tried to comment on this blog and it won't let you since you do not have a Google account. Sorry about that.

It's back to work tomorrow after two weeks off. BLAH! Going to go spend some snuggle time with J for the rest of the evening.


Rebecca said...

Hi B,
I don't think you are weird. I think your upbringing, from what you have written, has a lot to do with you reaction. All you need to know right now is that you and J go together. The beauty of two people in love will come to you with time.
Put your fears to rest on the lesbian bar too....unlike in the L Word or other misconceptions about lesbians and gays, if it is clear you are with J, no one will hit on her. It won't matter that she and you are beautiful. It will be because, unless they are a total idiot, your relationship will be respected.
Lorrie nor I have been hit on at any lesbian bar we have been to together. They will check you both out for sure, but like I said, they will respect your being together.
And one nice thing about a lesbian bar is that NO ONE will ask you to watch.......UGH! LOL
Take care! Have fun!

Leo MacCool said...

re: women kissing... i used to feel that way too, and also about two men kissing. i think it came from being raised to view same-sex relationships as wrong. honestly, i think going to a lesbian bar can be very healing for that sort of thing. it is good to see others like us, to realize the range of human love & experience, to see that we are all beautiful in our love.

and i would second rebecca... you & j are obviously together, not out looking for action... you should be fine. we've never had any attention that made us uncomfortable at gay bars (unlike at straight bars, but that's another story). hope you have/had an awesome time!