Thursday, January 22, 2009

I'm Back

Have been off the internet for awhile. Thank you guys for staying subscribed. The commitment ceremony plans are in full swing. J is going to wear a boutonniere (sp?); I'm going to have a rose bouquet. We are working on invitations, with JD's help, of course. I am going to walk down the aisle to J to Endless Love. Then we will say our personal vows and exchange rings. We will walk out to You're My Everything and hope to dance first dance to Lady. Still looking at rings, and this weekend need to try to pick out clothes. It is coming soon! Eek! So much to plan. I need to call the wedding coordinator tomorrow to ask lots of questions.

This week I was the owner of one car that's window would not roll down and another car that's window would not roll up. Sunday, when I went out to get into my new car, I noticed that someone had smashed in the driver's side window. Glass everywhere. J and I took Monday off (supposedly to get window fixed), but ended up hanging together all day and went to P.F. Chang's for lunch with a gift card. We got absolutely nothing done, as the cable company was closed for MLK Day, and we could not exchange modem or get glass replaced.

I got to see my 15-yr-old perform Sunday in Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. She was awesome. I got lots of stares from people I once knew. Two people did actually come up to me and give me a hug. Sat by my mom and grandma, who were civil. My 18-yr-old basically acted like she didn't want to have anything to do with me and hung on to her dad.

As I catch up on your blogs, I am bombarded in my head with vocabulary such as: butch, femme, queer, transgender, GBLT, top, bottom, stone. It just baffles my brain. It is too much for me to take in for the moment. All I can see of myself right now and in the past is "in love." Do I really need to analyze who I am in this relationship? Do I really need to dig down to the very core of "why"? I am going to say "no" for now.

Lately, I have felt out of place in the world. I mean, I am not a Democrat, but then I guess I am not really a Republican, either. Shouldn't I be supporting someone who is supporting my relationship with J? Well, maybe, but there are other things that he stands for that I don't agree with. But then the other candidate, there are things that I didn't agree with, either.

J and I are not the activist type. Does that make us bad? I mean, there are all these other thousands of GBLT people out there fighting for our right to marry. What are J and I doing about it? Is it a bad thing because we are not marching on the capitol?

I think that J and I have just always just wanted to be left alone. Does that make any sense? Yes, it would be GREAT if we had the same rights as "married" heterosexuals. We talk about that sometimes. Maybe someday we will get involved in "the fight", but I seriously doubt that we will be holding up signs and picketing. Not that that is a bad thing at all. I commend anyone who does that. I just don't see us doing that for some reason. I guess we have just lived with it so long, that we have decided to get along as well as we can. I think our dream is to have our family support us more than the world to support us. I hope it does not appear to others that we are lazy. We seem to just be happy being "us". We don't announce it to anyone, but we are not really hiding it, either, except from my job, of course.

Saturday night we are having game night at our place. So far it looks like between 12 and 18 people for chili. Fun! Sunday night we will be going to see Vickie Shaw!!! Woohoo!! I wrote her an e-mail and asked her to shout out to us from the stage. That would be great!!!!


Rebecca said...

Glad you are back, I missed reading your posts! They are always so honest and thought provoking and I love how you are just you!
I am glad your daughter did a great job in the play. Give your 18 year old time...but you know that. That sucks about the car windows though. Hope they are fixed now.
Your ceremony sounds great, YEA!!!
In my opinion, nope, you do not need to analyze anything. Lorrie and I don't fit any of those descriptions either really, we aren't butch, or very femme, we are pretty much who we have always been, just finally accepting of who it is we really are.
I think some of us need the terminology to straighten, [pun not originally intended, but I like it!] things out in our heads.
It isn't hard or really a big deal though and to confuse the issue more and because I can't shut up, LOL; Butch(masculine) and Femme(more feminine) are about types of lesbians, tops and bottoms are about who is more submissive or dominant in the relationship (gay or lesbian). I thought it was about clothing at first!
GLBT = Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Trangender (sometimes LGBT)
Transgender are people who are NOT crossdressers but who change or are changing their gender by surgery. They believe they were born with the wrong parts basically. I will not pretend to understand it fully but I believe that everyone's rights as humans need to be respected. The GLBT is used mostly when talking about all of us as a group, having full equal rights in housing, jobs, and marriage too. Queer is used for different things, sometimes straight people that are just different in the way they present their gender and themselves to the world. I don't even know all the uses, but lots of folks are using it these days, mostly the younger ones...oh and stone, as in stone butch, LOL I learn fast! Very masculine acting lesbian.
I was a life long Republican myself B, until 9 years ago I became a Libertarian, mostly cause I could never register Democrat, ewwww LOL. Oh I voted for W the first time, but did not like a lot of things like Gitmo and the wire taps and stuff, I have always been very much for the constitution and that stuff scared me.
You know what B, it's OK if right now you don't want to be an "activist."
Here is my thing, we spent a very large portion of our lives beating our selves up, living all bent up and crushing our feelings. We need time to heal from that and learn to accept ourselves just as we are. I think that getting good with yourself and J is a type of activism, if it can be called that. You are just working on your own "internal rights." Your right to be just who you are, a woman very in much in love with her J! A woman who loves her children and most times her job, LOL.
You know what B, we spent most of our lives doing things that were expected of us didn't we?
I think you deserve to do what you need for you.
Glad you are back, and no, I can't just write a short little note, just ask my English professor!

Leo MacCool said...

hi b.! i'm catching up on blogs, too, and am here catching up on yours. i had to comment on your post as i suspect i'm a major terminology-bombardment suspect. ;) my feeling is, sometimes the language, terms, concepts, help to clarify who i am and how i relate to other people. that's what it's there for. but there's no requirement, no need to pick appropriate 'labels' or define yourself using particular terminology. i want to use those words to describe myself & communicate with others, not to try to fit myself into a pre-ordained box or definition.

anyway rebecca's definitions seem fine to me, except on transgender... you do not have to have surgery to be transgendered. if you ever want me to clarify what i mean by a given term, please don't hesitate to ask.

and last but not least... just living with and loving a same-sex partner is activism in our society, in my opinion.