Friday, July 3, 2009
Ass in the Trash (Don't read if you are squeamish.)
I had made an appointment with my new OB/GYN. He announced that he was going to do a pap test and a rectal exam. Okay, so I kinda freaked out. I mean just the words rectal exam had my heart racing, my blood pressure up, and my legs ready to bolt out the door. You, see -- ahem -- well, okay, I will admit it. We are all adults here anyway, right? I had been having a bit of trouble with hemorroids in the past, and the thought of a rectal exam was extremely stressful to me. I knew it was gonna hurt like fire up my ass and that blood would probably be everywhere.
So we go through all the other parts of the exam, and he announces, "Now, for the rectal exam!" Bam! Wow! He torpedoed me like a razor blade! I was in sooo much pain, let me tell you! I was trying not to cry out. When it was over, I was shaking so much that I could barely walk over to my clothes to put them back on.
Then the nurse walked into the room carrying a tiny paper bag. She said, "You need to carry this specimen downstairs to the lab and drop it off." I reminded her that I needed to use a certain lab because of my insurance, and was that the correct lab?
Do you know what that bitch did? She turned around, walked over to the trash can, stepped on the pedal, opened the lid, and threw the bag into the trash! I said to her, "What was that you just threw away?" She said, "Your rectal specimen. For that lab, you have to do it yourself at home." And she shoved an envelope in my hand that was supposed to have directions inside on how to do it to yourself. I was beyond pissed off. I couldn't think straight. I wanted to yell and scream at the nurse and say, "You turn around and go get that paper bag out of that trash can this minute, bitch! Do you hear me? Look at me when I'm talking to you! How dare you throw that specimen in the trash! Do you have any idea what I just went through?"
So horrified that I asked myself: What about my pap test? Do I have to do that to myself, too? How could I do that? (I'm laughing about that now.)
I asked, "What about my pap test?" She said that that specimen could go to that lab. So I went through the whole stupid rectal exam for nothing!
So to lighten things up a bit, I will tell you an old joke that my grandfather used to tell me:
A proctologist was in surgery, working on a patient. The nurse came in with an iced cold beer on an instrument tray. The proctologist said to the nurse, "No, nurse. I asked for a butt light!"