Tuesday, July 7, 2009


I have been reading about 20 blogs per day now for about six months or so. The majority of the blogs are written by lesbians in a partner/marriage relationship because that's what I am really interested in -- making acquaintances with others in our situation.

Today I read that one of the couples split. Just like that -- split up. No words of sadness, regret, drama written on the blog. Only that they just "split." This is, I think, the third couple in the past six months that I have been reading that have parted. Now, I am SURE that there is much more to it that has not been written on their blogs, things that they never wanted to share with the cyberworld. I mean, who wants to write about all the downs in a relationship or when things get rocky. I am not going in that direction.

What I am pondering is this: How likely is it that the rest of you "partners" that I read about will stay together? Does anyone have statistics on that? The percentage of GLBTs who stay together? I'm not talking about dating couples. I'm talking about those couples who have made a public/private "commitment" to one another, and especially those of you who are raising a family together. I sometimes worry that J and I will not be able to stay together. It is always a constant fear in the back of my mind. I mean, both of our families and most of my friends are on pins and needles waiting for it to happen, for us to break up.

And there are some times in our relationship when I say to myself, "Oh, yeah, this is one of the reasons we didn't stay together before." I only seem to remember the good memories, not our struggles that we had. It's like I completely blocked them all out. J and I sometimes talk about it, that we both believe we would not have been able to stay together before. We were soooo young (well, so are many of you). I wanted kids (well, so do many of you, and some of you are doing something about it). We were petrified our friends and family would find out and were afraid of the unknown. Remember, it was the early '80s for us. We basically stayed in our apartment all the time with our blinds literally closed. The past is the past; there is no way of changing that.

BUT we have waited so long, 30 years, to be together. How can we split up now? It seems like it would take an atomic bomb to tear us apart. We have worked so hard and been through so much to get where we are. This time last year, we were sneaking around, emotionally and physically drawn to one another like a wildfire to a forest. We hardly ever argued, except for when I drank. Now that things are more settled, we seem to get into more disagreements. And there is more drama. I believe that is for several reasons: 1) We are still under a TREMENDOUS amount of stress, 2) We haven't live together for a long time. It takes awhile to get all the kinks worked out, 3) We are passionate about one another. I think that is where a lot of the drama comes into play. My ex and I hardly ever argued or sulked or anything. We just got along. But I think that is because the deep feelings were not there. There was no reason to fight or cry or be scared, because it there was no treasure at stake. Really, the only thing there was to fight for were my kids. Otherwise, I just let things go, or he just let things go.
However, sometimes when J and I argue, I feel like my whole world is crashing down on me. I ask myself, "What will be the final straw? What will it take for her to walk out the door and never come back? Will it be something big or little? Will she just one day say that she's had enough?"

In my heart I believe that J and I WILL stay together, and I pray that those of you reading my blog will, too. She and I definitely have more good times than bad. We don't enjoy sleeping apart, even if it because one of us (I won't say which) is snoring like a duck. We would rather do things together than apart (that includes errands like grocery shopping and bank runs.) As I am sitting here typing away, knowing she is in the other room on the sofa with a backache, I can barely contain myself from walking in there to kiss her. I know we will be okay. If the passion and drama is there when we are getting along, why would it not be there when we don't?
Anyway, if anyone can give me statistics on gay "divorce" rates that are accurate, please let me know.
On another note, we are in need of prayer for several reasons:
1) My car is in the shop, and it is going to be expensive to fix. I just thank God that I did not stall on my way to the interview yesterday.
2) My interview. I sent a follow-up e-mail to the attorney and received one in return, saying that I am still being considered, and that he will make a decision next week. I really want this job, folks. But I have to remember that it is not about me, it is about God's will for my life and career. I went back to the school today to retrieve some work to do this week in preparation for the new year. I am still trying to stay positive about the job without obsessing over whether I get it or not.
3) J's back has really been bothering her the past few days. I am really worried about her.
4) Please pray that my daughters will continue to call and ask me for advice. It makes me feel so good that they are both finally doing that, that they are starting to trust me a little bit more to ask me for help (especially the older one.) They both have a habit of texting me first to see if they can call me. I have told them both that they do not have to ask permission to call me; just call me. If I can't come to the phone, I won't answer it.
Thanks for your prayers and good thoughts!


Freedomgirl said...

hey, it's been awhile since i commented! been busy.

leo and i had a pretty awful fight last night, and i felt just like you say -- like the world was crashing down on me. it takes me a long time to get over a disagreement like that.

but we have just moved, and the tension and differences always come up when you move house. it's incredibly stressful. and you guys have just moved in together for the (basically) first time -- we fought like banshees the first few months we lived together. i think things like that don't depend on age.

but today we worked things out, and addressed some of the issues. and that's the thing that makes everything work. we really love each other. some stuff drives me nuts. and then the next day, after we've said awful things to each other, it all seems stupid.

it's better to have the drama, and the deep love, than to just be indifferent. leo and i have been together for 15 years, and there have been abysmal lows and ecstatic highs.

you and j have been through a lot -- it takes immense strength to make the choices you've made, and persevere in the face of strong and implacable opposition. you can make it if you really, really want to. lots of gay couples split up, but lots of straight ones do too. i like to hope that gay couples are the ones who are together because they really truly love each other, and not because it's convenient.

xx FG

Rebecca said...

Just like Freedomgirl says, you two have been through so much the last year or more. The break up rates are higher for gay men than lesbians, which I think the only statistic I have ever seen puts us close to the same rate of breakup or divorce as the rest of the nation. Maybe a little higher, but don't forget most gay people don't have kids, nor can we get married except for 6 states.
I don't think you should be worrying about this at all, you guys are still working out a lot in so many different areas too. Just make sure that you keep the lines of communication open. In a non confrontational way too. Be honest about what is really bothering you and let her be honest too. Don't dismiss your feelings as unimportant and don't do the same to her. These are general things and not reading into anything at all.
But a real killer is going to be you worrying about next month or next year or whenever, from personal experience Lorrie and I have to work on that sometimes, I mean, what if I move there and we break up? But we talk about these things, sometimes hesitantly but as long as we both respect each others feelings as being honest, we have to face them, talk them over and then decide that we cannot give up on a chance for real love just because of what might happen.
Oh, and it is all so stupid, LOL. Life is so short, so amazing and we waste so much with the one we love with misunderstanding sometimes, don't we?
Take care, and don't worry!

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Camlin said...

It sounds like you have all the right ingredients...and remember how you've both matured over the years.

Good thoughts headed your way.