SPLIT

I have been reading about 20 blogs per day now for about six months or so. The majority of the blogs are written by lesbians in a partner/marriage relationship because that's what I am really interested in -- making acquaintances with others in our situation.

Today I read that one of the couples split. Just like that -- split up. No words of sadness, regret, drama written on the blog. Only that they just "split." This is, I think, the third couple in the past six months that I have been reading that have parted. Now, I am SURE that there is much more to it that has not been written on their blogs, things that they never wanted to share with the cyberworld. I mean, who wants to write about all the downs in a relationship or when things get rocky. I am not going in that direction.

What I am pondering is this: How likely is it that the rest of you "partners" that I read about will stay together? Does anyone have statistics on that? The percentage of GLBTs who stay together? I'm not talking about dating couples. I'm talking about those couples who have made a public/private "commitment" to one another, and especially those of you who are raising a family together. I sometimes worry that J and I will not be able to stay together. It is always a constant fear in the back of my mind. I mean, both of our families and most of my friends are on pins and needles waiting for it to happen, for us to break up.

And there are some times in our relationship when I say to myself, "Oh, yeah, this is one of the reasons we didn't stay together before." I only seem to remember the good memories, not our struggles that we had. It's like I completely blocked them all out. J and I sometimes talk about it, that we both believe we would not have been able to stay together before. We were soooo young (well, so are many of you). I wanted kids (well, so do many of you, and some of you are doing something about it). We were petrified our friends and family would find out and were afraid of the unknown. Remember, it was the early '80s for us. We basically stayed in our apartment all the time with our blinds literally closed. The past is the past; there is no way of changing that.

BUT we have waited so long, 30 years, to be together. How can we split up now? It seems like it would take an atomic bomb to tear us apart. We have worked so hard and been through so much to get where we are. This time last year, we were sneaking around, emotionally and physically drawn to one another like a wildfire to a forest. We hardly ever argued, except for when I drank. Now that things are more settled, we seem to get into more disagreements. And there is more drama. I believe that is for several reasons: 1) We are still under a TREMENDOUS amount of stress, 2) We haven't live together for a long time. It takes awhile to get all the kinks worked out, 3) We are passionate about one another. I think that is where a lot of the drama comes into play. My ex and I hardly ever argued or sulked or anything. We just got along. But I think that is because the deep feelings were not there. There was no reason to fight or cry or be scared, because it there was no treasure at stake. Really, the only thing there was to fight for were my kids. Otherwise, I just let things go, or he just let things go.

However, sometimes when J and I argue, I feel like my whole world is crashing down on me. I ask myself, "What will be the final straw? What will it take for her to walk out the door and never come back? Will it be something big or little? Will she just one day say that she's had enough?"

In my heart I believe that J and I WILL stay together, and I pray that those of you reading my blog will, too. She and I definitely have more good times than bad. We don't enjoy sleeping apart, even if it because one of us (I won't say which) is snoring like a duck. We would rather do things together than apart (that includes errands like grocery shopping and bank runs.) As I am sitting here typing away, knowing she is in the other room on the sofa with a backache, I can barely contain myself from walking in there to kiss her. I know we will be okay. If the passion and drama is there when we are getting along, why would it not be there when we don't?

Anyway, if anyone can give me statistics on gay "divorce" rates that are accurate, please let me know.

On another note, we are in need of prayer for several reasons:

1) My car is in the shop, and it is going to be expensive to fix. I just thank God that I did not stall on my way to the interview yesterday.

2) My interview. I sent a follow-up e-mail to the attorney and received one in return, saying that I am still being considered, and that he will make a decision next week. I really want this job, folks. But I have to remember that it is not about me, it is about God's will for my life and career. I went back to the school today to retrieve some work to do this week in preparation for the new year. I am still trying to stay positive about the job without obsessing over whether I get it or not.

3) J's back has really been bothering her the past few days. I am really worried about her.

4) Please pray that my daughters will continue to call and ask me for advice. It makes me feel so good that they are both finally doing that, that they are starting to trust me a little bit more to ask me for help (especially the older one.) They both have a habit of texting me first to see if they can call me. I have told them both that they do not have to ask permission to call me; just call me. If I can't come to the phone, I won't answer it.

Thanks for your prayers and good thoughts!