Sunday, March 8, 2009

Does It Matter Why I'm Gay?

I love this photo. It was taken in the hotel, about 30 minutes before the ceremony, J's final 30 minutes of freedom, ha ha. J was a nervous wreck. She paced and sighed for about 3 hrs. prior to the ceremony. I was not really nervous, just busy laughing at her. We saw each other before the ceremony. I didn't want to do the traditional "don't see the bride before the wedding" routine. J picked out my dress, she had already seen me in it, so what was the big deal? The only thing I didn't let her see was the garter.

I was reading Rebecca's post about her exorcism, and it reminded me of something I went through a couple of years ago. My friend R, who is the wife of a Methodist minister, but is waaay far from the Methodists' beliefs, did a theophostic session with me to cure me of my homosexuality. I had been exploring theophostic ministry for awhile with her. I never really believed in it, but, hell, I'd give anything a try. To learn more about it, click here: Off the subject, I also tried EFT: (Emotional Freedom Techniques) for my OCD. I must say that the DVD's were quite convincing, albeit probably staged. R and my ex friend J still believe in and practice both of these ad nauseum. The EFT did nothing except make me feel silly. The theophostic sessions basically creeped me out.

The theophostic session. She told me that I was perverted but that I could be healed. It was pointed out to me that I was gay because I had been sexually abused as a child. Okay, I admit that the timeline possibly fits, I mean, I can't really remember a time in my life when the abuse was not going on, and I can't remember a time in my life when I wasn't gay. But my point to her was and still is, "So what?" So what if maybe I wasn't born this way (which I believe I was), so what if being abused turned me away from men? So what if there is a "cause" for me being gay? I was abused as a child by a woman at least once, so why am I not asexual?" She told me that was because it only happened once or twice with a woman. Oh, okay, so the men cancel the woman out, like a full house beats two pair? This very same woman was abused by a man as a child, probably much more violently, too. Why isn't she gay? Many prostitutes have been victims of sexual abuse. Why didn't I turn out to be a prostitute? I mean, I told her that I really don't care why I am the way I am, I just am. She told me that I was going to hell if I did not do something about it. I believed her. She spouted off scripture after scripture telling me that I was going to hell, even though just a few months earlier she had told me that I was a Christian simply because I believed that Jesus was my saviour and died for my sins, that that was all it took, simple as that. She must be sitting there now, shaking her head at her failure to cure me. She tried, really she did. While she is sitting in a home dominated by a wife beater of a preacher husband, pretending that she is happy, she is pitying me for "choosing" homosexuality.

I don't like to be put in a box and analyzed like a germ through a microscope. I think my mom is probably wondering what she and Dad did wrong. I suspect that my dad (the logical thinker) thinks it is because of my abuse, and, therefore, beyond my control -- yea! I am off the hook here! My ex best friend texted me in December and told me that she wished I hadn't left, that I would have asked my ex-husband for help first. Hellooooo, was he supposed to cure my gayness? Would you want to be with someone who wasn't in love with you?

It boggles my mind (and hurts my feelings) how people look at me like I have some sort of disease or something. I met a woman yesterday who is spending A LOT of time with my 15-yr-old, almost like a substitute mom. She came on the scene to "help" my daughter when I left. I could tell by the way that she presented herself to me that she pitied me in some way. She made a big deal about going out of her way to shake my hand. But I kept my shoulders back and my head up. I didn't thank her for all the things she has done for my daughter. You know why? Because I could have done all those things had I been allowed to. Another lady at the church took this same daughter to lunch last Friday and ended up spending the entire day with her to "get to know her." I think that is weird. No one needs to be fostering my daughter. She has a mom. I know they think that I am a terrible role model; but the fact is that my daughter is probably not gay, so what do they think I am going to do to her if not make her gay? My daughters' counselor told me that some children fear that because one of the parents is gay, that they will be, also. He said that the hardest part for them is not that I left their dad, but that I am gay.

J said it best when she told me that in order for my children to not be ashamed of who I am, that I have to show them that I myself am not ashamed. That is soooo true. I would imagine that in a few months, I will have a heart to heart talk with my daughter about what exactly I feel for J. I really feel that J and I are very different than most lesbian love stories since we go back to first loves. I feel that I am going to have an easier time discussing my sexuality to her because of this. At 15, first love is something that she can already relate to; she has been through that already. I think it will be a good starting point for discussion, "Remember your first love, how you felt when he looked at you? Spoke to you? All the thoughts you had about your future together?" My dream is that one day my girls will want to meet J and get to know her, and especially know how much J loves me and that she is taking care of me, and that I am sooo much healthier and better off with J because I am truly with my soulmate and happy.

Does it matter why I'm gay? No. I stopped asking myself that question a few years ago. What matters is what I am going to do about it. Answer: Live my life with the one I love, stop making excuses for who I am, show my family and ex friends that I am healthy, happy, and productive, and that I can still be a good mom to my girls. I did my kids a favor. I gave them answers to questions they had been asking probably their whole lives. I could have taken my life, but instead, I took the brave way out.

1 comment:

Diane said...

great post. i hope your girls will come around to you someday when they are ready to share in your joy. in the meantime it must be very painful for you to be away from them, even moreso under the circumstances, and to tolerate such bigotry. know that there are many of us who are out here cheering for you and J, and hoping to find such happiness someday.

your story is very special, especially as a lesbian love story. i hope that all true loves, nomatter when or how they are discovered, can be viewed with the equal respect and kindess from our fellow humans that they truly deserve.