Monday, March 23, 2009

She's a Senior

The two photos at the top are my 18-yr old. The third photo is her with her 15-yr-old sister. I look at her now, a senior in high school, graduating in less than two months. She barely wants to have anything to do with me. Today, 6-yr-old S said to me, "Ms. B, I wish you were my mommy." I told her, "No, you don't, S. You already have a mommy, and she loves you very much." And she replied, "I know, but I want you to be my mommy." That conversation made me soo sad. S and I have that talk quite a bit, I guess because her mom is finishing graduate school and probably doesn't have a lot of time to spend with her right now. I wanted to say, "I wish my daughter wished that I was her mom." I am here for her, every day if need be, and she acts like she could care less.
I know that somewhere in her heart she does love me and miss me, but it hurt Saturday night when I told her, "I would like to see you more often." She said, "I know, but I have a lot of things to do." I replied, "Well, do you think you can make some time for me?" And she shrugged her shoulders and said, "I guess."
What's so sad is that she has absolutely no idea how much I cry and cry to hear from her, to be with her, to stroke her hair or watch a movie with her. To check her homework or listen to her play on the piano. Just one more time I would love to hear her play the piano. Or nag her to get up in the morning. She doesn't realize what I went through physically just to have her, all of the tests and medical procedures that I went through before she was born, how I worried that she would come too early, how I stayed on bedrest for so long to ensure that she would be born healthy, how I fought to no avail to have her naturally. I knew that the percentage was high that she would have learning differences, but I had her anyway. She doesn't know how I tried so hard to teach her her colors and songs and her alphabet. I had a second job to pay for her therapy. It was a controversial therapy at the time, and it was not covered by insurance. I quit my job to spend more time with her. Her dad and I struggled financially for years so that I could homeschool her. She does so well when she is taught one-on-one. You can't get that in any school, no matter how much you pay. A doctor told me that she would never graduate from high school, and look at her now! I am not saying any of this to be seen as a martyr or a supermom. I just wish she would realize how much I love her. I wouldn't have gone through all of that otherwise.
She may not be book smart, but if she doesn't know an answer, I taught her how to find it, and that's what you need in this world. She is one of the most creative people I have ever met. She comes up with the most unique designs, so original. I don't know where she got that ability from, but there are some very successful, creative people in the world, and I know that God has something special in store for her. I have always taught her that she can do anything she wants to do. Her most special characteristic is patience, especially with young children. Adults are always asking her to babysit, teach a VBS class or work in the nursery. She never gets upset with young children. She would be a wonderful teacher, but it is not what she wants to do. She will be a fantastic mom, though!
My daughter can not read this blog -- well, not now, anyway. But if she was reading, I would say, "K, I love you. I am sooo proud of you. You have worked sooo incredibly hard. There is nothing wrong with you. God just made you different, as he did all of us. You don't realize the obstacles that you overcame. Use your strengths, build on them. You will go far. You can do anything you put your mind to. I miss you. If I am not invited to your graduation, know that I wanted to be there on the stage presenting you with your diploma which you soo deserve. I love you. Love, Mom."

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