Friday, March 27, 2009


It is storming here. I woke up this morning, and my body told me not to get out of bed. My chest was so sore, I didn't feel like I had had a wink of sleep, and I knew I could not put on a happy face for those kids today. Went to the doctor yesterday. Have another ear infection; probably just the same one. Slept until 10:23 this morning. I knew I probably could have gone to work. I felt bad that J was going and I was not. But I also know that I could not have done my best work, and that is very important to me, that the kids not see me stressed or ill. Hell, yesterday they kept patting my back over and over again, as if that would make my coughing stop. They can "pat" pretty darn hard, so all it did was make my chest hurt more.
J doesn't like me being alone all day in the apartment. She knows I get depressed. I am not used to such a small space, and it has been so dark all day. I taped some things on the DVR and watched them, surfed my daily blogs, trying to lift my spirits. All I can think of is J, wanting to be with her. I'm supposed to go to my grandmother's tomorrow. In my head, I am afraid that if I cancel, she will die this week, even though she isn't ill. So I am going. I feel like a bad person wanting to be with J all weekend. I should want to be with my kids or other members of my family. But I have missed so many years with J. I cannot seem to get enough of her. I want to breathe her in and out of my lungs and like I said in my earlier post, not go to sleep at night. I am afraid that this is all a dream.
When we planned to get back together, she and I went looking at apartments. It was an exciting, confusing day. I don't think she really thought I would go through with it because she didn't put a deposit down. If I backed out, she could just continue living with her mom until I made the move. I don't think she was sure of it until I was on my way in the car to confront my ex. I had told him I wanted to talk to him about my drinking. When he got there, I could have made up another story, say that I wanted help, to change. But I didn't. I knew that if I didn't come clean right then, that I would probably not survive. It was only going to get worse. So not only did I admit that we were having an "affair", but I admitted that my whole life with him had been a lie. Imagine my surprise when he didn't yell, didn't cry. I was almost disappointed.
I left and drove to meet J down the road in a supermarket parking lot because she was afraid that I would be too upset to drive. I wasn't. I think I was just in shock. I felt that J was my knight in shining armor, picking me up on her white horse and carrying me back to my true self. I have never looked back and regretted leaving. I do regret that I did not tell my girls myself, but at that time, there is no way in hell that I could have faced them. I left that ugly task to my ex and a friend, and for that, I am truly sorry.
In a few weeks, J and I are going to San Antonio to meet some friends of hers. She has booked a room at that wonderful hotel in San Marcos where we stayed on our anniversary. She knows that it will always be special to me. Wow, what a woman! I plan to recreate our anniversary minus the tears, I hope. I am praying that the more often we go to San Marcos, the more I will "heal" and the tears will cease. That instead of dreading leaving to go home, I will look forward to returning again. And one day, I hope to retire there with the love of my life, and that you will all come visit and celebrate life with us!

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