The First Kiss

When I would spend the night at J's house, (I was a senior, she a junior in high school), I would lay down on my side, as I usually do when I sleep. She would lay down behind me and press her body against me. She didn't even have her arm around me. Our bodies fit so perfectly together. I knew she was my friend, but I had never wanted a friend to do that before. I could feel the warmth of her body against me, and the coolness and softness of her arm against mine. It never bothered me; I never questioned it. For some reason we needed to touch when we slept. We were still dressed in the clothes we had worn that day. We never wore pajamas. It almost felt like wasting time, to go into the bathroom and change clothes. I remember not wanting to waste a minute before getting in bed with her. But I didn't know why. I think I was also shy about being in pajamas. I remember having a "funny feeling" in my stomach whenever I was near her. We didn't even have to touch; it just happened. It was a very scary feeling because it was new to me, but it didn't really feel "wrong." I know it sounds naive, but I really didn't connect that feeling with being in her presence for some time. Sure, I had dated boys, but I had never experienced that feeling, never.

J and I became "intimate" not long after that, but, amazingly, no kissing was ever involved. It's weird, but it still didn't register in me what we were doing. I think I pushed it out of my mind every time. I just knew that I wanted to be in her arms and nowhere else in the world. I never once thought "I'm in love." I'm not sure I even knew what that meant. I knew what love was; I knew what sex was. I guess I just had a problem fusing the two together. Years later, I would tell a counselor that I lost my virginity to J. That is how I always saw it.

One day, we were in her living room -- and if I've told this story once, I apologize -- and we were playing video baseball. One of us made a homerun, and we turned to each other -- or maybe she pulled my face towards hers -- and she kissed me. I mean, she REALLY kissed me. I had never experienced anything like that in my entire life. We locked lips only, that was it. I was in shock! It felt so right. And that's when I knew that there was no going back. Maybe I tried to deny my feelings for her from the very start, but after that kiss, there was no denying anything. My question is: Can a kiss be better than sex? To me, it can be. I mean, there is nothing better in the world to me than being in J's arms, her kissing me. I told her last night, "I don't want you to stop kissing me." She said, "I won't." But that's not what I meant. I meant, "TONIGHT, please don't stop kissing me. I don't want to fall asleep. Don't stop kissing me. It makes me sad to think of you stopping. I want to stay awake! I am afraid that I will never wake up and so you will never kiss me again!" I think J is a wonderful kisser because she puts her entire soul into a kiss. It is her neverending love for me all wrapped up in her lips. And when she holds me, I feel like I am swaddled with the most beautiful gift in the universe, and it is all for me. Almost every night I rest my head on her shoulder while she is holding me, nuzzling my head to her neck, throwing my head back, my lips a half-inch away from hers. I can feel her breath on my face. I can feel my heart pounding so fast. And I lay there and think to myself, if I can just get close enough to her lips, and she can feel my breathing, she will kiss me again! And she does.