Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Childhood Memories

I was thinking this morning -- and I don't know what got me to thinking this early -- my ex asked me how long ago did I realize that I was gay? I told him around the age of twelve. Well, actually, I think it must have been sooner. Heck, it goes all the way back to Andrea in fourth grade or Daphne in kindergarten. See, these were girls we used to call "tomboys." Now, I know what you're thinking, tomboys don't always turn out to be gay, but in this case, they did. I used to watch Andrea beat all the boys in the class in races, and Daphne taught me how to climb a tree for the first time, how to catch a crawdad (or, actually, watch her catch a crawdad) and how to climb on top of the school roof and not get caught. She was ALWAYS in trouble.

I used to watch these girls. I was always the best friend. And while, of course, I was not in love with them -- I wouldn't even go as far to say that they were crushes, just friendships -- these girls prepared me for love and life with J. You see, they are the ones that I became comfortable around, me doing the "girlie" things like spreading the peanut butter, them doing the "boyish" things like squashing the bugs. For some reason, just today, I remember being so at home in that role and letting them be comfortable in theirs. I didn't have to listen to them (like my other friends) talk about boys or their hair or what shoes went with which dress (they didn't wear dresses ha!). If they had not come into my lives, would I have turned out gay? J thinks we are born this way. The farther I go back in time in my mind, the more I tend to agree with her. A lot of times I think about certain students that I taught in first grade and about their roles in their friendships, and I wonder if they may be gay, first grade, mind you!

So, yeah, well, next time this issue comes up with my mother, I will have to honestly say, "Mom, I think I have been gay since kindergarten." You may wonder why it is so important to me. Well, the time and age has always been important to me. It's like a victory when I finally figure it out. I mean, it REALLY bothered me when I couldn't remember if I was 12 or 13 when my grandfather started with me. 13, for some reason, was NOT OKAY. I was older then, a teenager, even. I should have known better (and I did). But 12, well, that was still innocence. If it happened when I was 12, then I could handle that. Turns out, I do now remember a couple of incidences when I was 12. I bookmarked them in my mind because I was 12 when I got my contact lenses, and I remember having contacts during this time. Sorry about the bunny trail. So now I can say "kindergarten." Wow! It's like a coat of armor, protecting me from all the mean, self-righteous people I will come in contact with in 2009. It gives me strength; it gives me power. It puts the blame on no one, and it answers so many questions about my life. It doesn't tell me why I fell in love with J (I think that is simply fate of the gods), but it does explain a lot about how I see my role in this relationship, why I let her drive us everywhere (she says it's her job), open doors for me (again, her job), buy me flowers (hmm, her job) -- do we see a pattern here? -- why I love to cook the meals, clean the apt (which I am behind in doing), light the candles, and wear the makeup.

So I just want to say "thank you" to Daphne and Andrea and a couple of others along the way. Andrea is now a very successful police officer, and Daphne, well, she is always in all kinds of trouble. Hmmmm, wonder if they can say "thank you" to me, too?

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