Monday, December 15, 2008

It's a Dog Eat Dog World

I stayed home from work on Friday; I was just too stressed about the church letter and all. J stayed home with me so that I wouldn't stay in bed all day. I tend to do that when I get depressed. I called in and said that I had a family emergency. Today I went back to work and, surprise, my assistant wasn't there. Guess why? She was having family problems. She wanted to talk to me, so I called her. I am starting to feel like the school psychologist. She doesn't want to disappoint me. She and her mom had a fight; she has nowhere to live after January. She is afraid that I am mad at her. I told her that I was glad that she did not come in today; I don't want her to be around the kids when she is stressed, they can feel that. I want my students to be happy and relaxed. Then another assistant started to get a little "clingy." I don't want to be "mom" to these 20, 22-yr-olds, but I guess I will have to be. They are so young, have no idea what they want to be when they "grow up."

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if everyone at work knew about all I have been going through since the second week I started working there, October 14th. I have left my husband, left my two kids, been basically excommunicated from my parents and my brother, been kicked out of my church and told I am going to hell, etc., etc. It makes me wonder how I come in to work everyday with a smile on my face, telling the kids what a good job they are doing, high fiving them when they sound out a word for the first time or discover that an isosceles triangle has two sides that are the same.

It reminds me of 1992, when I was "functioning" as a Montessori elementary teacher on the outside but literally drowning on the inside. And you know what hurts the most? That I cannot express to the people that I love how absolutely thrilled I am to have the love of my life back, the one I greet at the door every evening. The one whose ring I wear with pride, even though no one has a clue who let me wear it. I feel like I am being eaten alive from the inside because I am not allowed to express my feelings or mention her name to anyone.

No comments: